Having needs and wants in a relationship can feel vulnerable. Ideally our partner is the safest person to express them to, but sometimes we worry the most about a partner’s reaction, because their opinion of us matters. We don’t want to become undesirable or abandoned, so it can feel risky. Today’s guest talks about how to create the safety to share your share needs and wants.
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
How to Express Needs and Wants in a Relationship: Show Notes
We all have needs and wants in a relationship, but it can feel tricky to figure out how to express them. Many people are afraid of feeling needy, being a burden, becoming undesirable, or someone leaving because we are “too much.”
What have you done with your needs and wants? Have you expressed them? Hidden them? Some of both?
Today’s Practicing Love podcast guest, Junie Moon, is a love coach. She is the CEO of Midlife Love Out Loud, and creator of the podcast by the same name. She’s also the author of the amazing book: Loving the Whole Package – Shed the Shame and Live Life Out Loud.
In our important conversation we discussed…
- What our shadows are, and how they hijack our relationships if we aren’t conscious of them
- How to make asking for our needs and wants less scary
- Creating safety for yourself and your partner in your relationship
- Rewiring yourself to be able to see the person in front of you, rather than your wounds or projections
- How to build trust and where to find its foundation
- The golden tool you can’t live without in relationships
Junie Moon is a woman who has overcome incredible relationship challenges and found the light within the shadows. I trust her and the depth of her heart and work.
If you’re a woman in midlife and think any struggles in your love life could be related to menopause or perimenopause, check out my recent article on how this does not have to kill your love life, and how it can actually be something that helps you be cherished and supported.
If you’re a man in a midlife relationship and wonder if any of your struggles could be related to your partner’s menopause or perimenopause journey, check out my recent article: What a Man Needs to Know About Menopause to Save His Love and Sex Life.
Humans and love are complex. I’m here if you need support. If you have questions about midlife love, or any phase of your love life, reply here to let me know.
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Bio:
Junie Moon, CEO of Midlife Love Out Loud, a Global Love Mentor, Best-selling Author, Women’s Empowerment Leader, and Certified Shadow Work® Coach, has supported thousands of women over the past 30 years to claim what is their birthright: the freedom to be and love themselves without apology. When women experience this freedom to love themselves without apology, they attract life-long Next Level Love and experience an extraordinary second half of life.
Using her unique heart-centered dating strategies, coupled with powerful mindset tools, Junie helps women in midlife to magnetize their ideal partner and experience Next Level Love. Along the way, women embrace this precious stage of life with confidence, playfulness and ease.
Junie has been seen on News 12 New Jersey, Blog Talk Radio, Authority Magazine, Thrive Global and in the Newark International with her film Shed the Shame that she produced and starred in. She’s also the International Bestselling author of Loving The Whole Package: Shed The Shame and Live Life Out Loud, International Award winning speaker and host of the successful Midlife Love Out Loud podcast. Junie has shared the stage with Sheri Winston, John Gray, Sage Lavine and other ground-breaking thought leaders of our time.
Transcript
Shana James (00:04)
Hello and welcome to this episode of Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life After 40. I am thrilled to be here today with Junie Moon. She is the CEO of Midlife Love Out Loud and the creator of the podcast by the same name. She’s an incredible love coach and she is the author of Loving the Whole Package: Shed the Shame and Live Life Out Loud.
I’m so happy to be here with you, and I’m happy for multiple reasons. We know each other in a few different contexts, but I know that the work you do, with women especially, is authentic and real, and I know you are a huge proponent of women loving themselves and loving their bodies and releasing our shame. So thank you for that work in the world.
Junie Moon (00:47)
Thanks for that intro and so good to be here. Thank you.
Shana James (00:56)
I always like to start with a little bit of background history just so people can know who you are, and where you’re coming from relationally. So, can you tell us a little bit about either the relationship you’re currently in or anything that would be helpful in your relationship history?
Junie Moon (01:15)
Okay, let’s just dive right in. Let’s start with the now, because now is pretty spectacular.
I have my king. He’s got my back. I’m able to relax and be myself and not jump through hoops, which is what I used to do, and just be myself and love the journey. I can relax in my body and I get my needs met and I can express myself fully without being so scared.
Shana James (01:22)
Awesome.
Junie Moon (01:44)
He is my king. I am his queen and it is pretty darn great. But that’s not how it was before. Even the other day I had this big event I was doing and he cooked for me. He asked: how can I help you? How can I support you? And I’ve been doing this alone for so long!
Shana James (01:52)
I’m so happy that it is this way, and that you’re having that.
Junie Moon (02:14)
It was amazing. And we’ll get more into that later because there’s a story around that. 20 years in a marriage that was very dysfunctional, walking on eggshells, knots in my stomach on a regular basis because I was micromanaging everything. He was a bully. He scared me. And yet I also didn’t want to lose him. We had a kid. I was afraid of being alone.
And I tried to manage everything I could, and I didn’t get my needs met. I couldn’t stand my ground. And it was painful and I would eat a lot of food to manage it all.
You don’t maybe know this, but I was 200 pounds 20 years ago, and I thought I had a food problem, going up and down the scale 40, 50 pounds at a time. I found this body of work called shadow work and it helped me see that the food was a symptom and really even the relationship, the way it was was coming from my insecurities, and my fear of being left and being alone, or not being good enough or all those things.
We all have these flavors of, Am I okay the way I am? And once I unpacked that, and really came home to my heart and my truth, and my authentic expression and my fullness, my vibrancy of who I really am, the marriage didn’t last. However, I was able to step into another relationship that I call next level love, where I was able to relax and really be honored and taken care of in a way that I never thought was possible.
But I didn’t really have the dating skills at that point. So I knew how to unpack my shadow and transform, but I didn’t know how to date well. So I studied and I knew that I was onto something because I found my partner with all the things I learned. And now I have a step-by-step process to help women unpack the past and really come home to their true self, honestly, boldly, and call in the partner, if they choose to have a partner, or at least have an extraordinary second half of life.
I’m all about love. I’m all about self-expression and authenticity, and it really does start with self-love.
Shana James (04:29)
Beautiful. I’m so touched by the fact that you can look back at that relationship in those 20 years and see who you were back then, or who you expressed yourself as, let’s say, because you were always this woman you are now. And yet, she was more hidden and shut down and afraid and just trying to keep the peace or trying to make things right for your kid.
And I think that’s an experience a lot of people have. So I’m inspired by seeing you not shut yourself down, or find yourself, and then commit to not shut those parts down, and that you are actually met now in love in that way. And I think for some people that looks like ending a relationship and for some people that looks like working on this together and staying in a relationship. There’s no right way to do it. And you’ve come through this journey beautifully.
Junie Moon (05:32)
Yeah. Thank you so much. And it is a journey. I always say that I’ve been walking and hiking up the mountain of love, and I’m not at the top. I don’t think I’ll ever be at the top. It’s a lifelong journey of really revealing and healing and learning and growing.
I’m way further up the mountain than I’ve ever been. And when I have those moments of struggle, I work it with him, but I work it with myself first. And it’s just so different – being loving to myself in such a new way, solid way.
Shana James (06:10)
Yes, and to have loving yourself as a foundation, and the recognition, I think, that there is no top is actually freeing. It’s that kind of wisdom – that we don’t have to make ourselves wrong, that we get triggered, that we have wounds, that we are human, and we get to learn to be more conscious with them and be more loving, and create more intimacy through them, as opposed to dissing parts of ourselves to try to make a relationship work.
Junie Moon (06:44)
Absolutely. And that’s why I titled my book, Loving the Whole Package, Shed the Shame and Live Life Out Loud. We need, in my opinion and experience, to love all of who we are. We are not perfect. We’re beautiful and amazing human beings.
We’re perfectly imperfect. And when we can take the shame off of the things that we think we could have done differently, or if we drop the ball in some way, if we rake ourselves over the coal, it just adds insult to injury.
And I always say self-love in action. I mean, we can look in the mirror and go, I love you and do all the affirmations. But what does it sound like in our head? Right? How do we talk to ourselves? How do we treat ourselves? Do we go, my God, you stupid idiot. How could you forgotten? Blah, blah.. Or, hey you’re going a little too fast here. What’s going on, sister? Let’s slow it down. Let me love you up. And let’s take a breath. You can do that relationship with yourself in a very different way.
Shana James (07:21)
Awesome. Okay, can we dive into your particular struggle? I know we all have many of them, but the one you want to share with us today. What has been a challenge for you in a relationship?
Junie Moon (07:49)
There are lots of different ones. I think the biggest one for me is really asking for my needs and wants to be met in a relationship, because there’s a part of me that still is afraid on some level that I will disappoint him, or I will let him down, or he might leave me. All of this is just the old stuff because of the past.
This weekend was an example. I’m headed into this huge weekend, with all these people coming to this event, juggling a million things. I’m leaving tomorrow for a trip. So I want to see him. And there’s this part of me that’s like, my God, I don’t know how much time I could really spend with him. I don’t know how I’m going to be, my bandwidth, all of that stuff.
And so I was sitting with the anxiety, and I didn’t eat over it. I didn’t freak out. I didn’t have
days of torture. I was just asking, what’s going on here?
I did the work and I sat with it. I’m like, okay, well, I could do what I did in the past, and just shove it down and make believe everything’s okay, and take care of him and give him – give him – wow, even in my language – give him the sex he’s going to want… But then whoa, this is uncomfortable. Let me be with it.
Shana James (08:53)
Actually feel it. Mm-hmm.
Junie Moon (09:17)
I had a conversation with him. I knew I have the ability, but it wasn’t necessarily like, woohoo, I’m comfortable with this. It’s still a little uncomfortable. We’re still emotional human beings. And yet I knew I had to have this conversation with him.
Shana James (09:27)
No, It’s still not easy.
Ok let’s save the conversation for a little bit later so we can get a clearer sense of the struggle, and then we’ll go into the learnings and the practicing because yes, that’s it. And I‘ll admit it’s scary for me too. I had a conversation the other day, where my partner and I had been talking about living together and what that would look like. I was scared.
Junie Moon (09:44)
Right, so I’m scared of disappointing. I’m scared of being left. I’m scared, scared scared.
Shana James (10:01)
Yes! I left him a message and said: I have this deep fear that I’m going to be a total disappointment – that from a distance, I can hide certain things from you about what’s happening in my life or how intense certain things are. And from up close I can’t hide that, and isn’t that going to be disappointing? So, I relate to that too.
Junie Moon (10:16)
Thank you. And even just the other night we were playing this game, it’s called Kama Sutra. And yes, there are some sexual positions and stuff, but we didn’t even get to that point. We were playing this game and it was: give your partner this kind of massage and do this to your partner. And I thought, whoa, I didn’t shave.
What is he gonna notice? Is he gonna like me, and find me attractive? So I’m noticing the thoughts. And then of course I shared it with him – I’m noticing my fear of disappointing you, and not being good enough. It’s still there. It’s not 100 % gone. I mean, I’ve come a long way, but that fear of if he really sees me and knows me, will he stick around?
Shana James (10:58)
Yes. We’re getting into the practice also, the practice of being able to notice and to speak it and put it out there, instead of a, just denying it in ourselves and trying to, like you said, act happy, or act like nothing’s going on, or B I’m going to put my legs out there, because they’re not shaven. And so I’m going to pull back on the intimacy, to try to protect, or to try to not be a disappointment.
That practice, I often think of it as the middle road, is that I can be aware of this and I can communicate and I can create that intimacy instead of trying to manage it on either side.
Junie Moon (11:34)
Exactly. So spot on. And as he was sharing that, all I kept thinking about is creating a safe place inside of myself and in the container. It’s the perfect paradox. The safer I feel, the more I can open, the safer I feel, the more I can connect and intimacy – into me you see – the more I’m relaxed and trusting, the more I can allow him in. And if I’m not aware that there’s a part of me that’s scared, that’s the old me!
it’s gonna trip me up in some way, I’m gonna say something I don’t mean, I’m gonna act in some way, and that’s where a lot of my clients come to me and say, I keep blowing up these relationships or I keep pushing them away, or being the doormat and people pleasing, all those things. What is underneath it? It’s the fear of something is going to go wrong.
Shana James (12:37)
Yes, okay, I wanna go back to creating safety because I do believe that, except for extreme situations, we create our own safety. So how did you do that in the midst of that situation?
Junie Moon (12:59)
To me, the biggest tool, the golden tool is communication.
First is awareness, because if you’re not aware, and a lot of people aren’t, they might notice that they’re tight or feeling their stomach, or their throat closes, up or the knots in their stomach. So that’s an awareness right there. And then be curious about what’s that about?
Ask your body, what are you trying to tell me? I spend a lot of time with my clients on how, after you do this and you’re clear about it, how do you share this with your partner? Communication to me is the golden way to create that safe place or not, because if you share honestly and vulnerably and you’re not met in the way that creates safety, that is something to notice and be curious about too.
Shana James (13:40)
100%. Then you create your own safety by continuing to be vulnerable and say, wow, I noticed the way you responded to that. I don’t feel as safe as I want to feel, or I don’t feel as if I can be as free with you as I want to feel. And then we get to see…do we feel misunderstood or pushed aside? And if so, the choice might be to leave, but often we can actually still try to work it through.
Junie Moon (14:27)
Yeah. It could be the most wonderful opportunity and breakthrough to a deeper connection by being vulnerable and saying, “ooh, you know, when you said that, I noticed this,” or sharing the thoughts I had in my mind, and this is what I want. Putting it all together right there. There’s such a deep opportunity for when you can do conflict well, when you have that capacity where you can be in the fire together.
You have the opportunity to make a diamond, or it could blow up. If you know how to do it well, and you’re with the right person, you can go so much more deeply with that conversation.
Shana James (15:13)
Yeah, I’m thinking about different aspects of safety too and where for me, and this does still feel like a practice, the more I remind myself that I am okay alone or together…yes, there’s a big part of me that wants a loving relationship in my life, but there’s also a bigger part of me that is unwilling to settle or sacrifice, or come down in my level of consciousness to make that happen. And that creates a safety for me.
Junie Moon (16:00)
Exactly, and that comes right back to how are we in relationship to ourselves? I always say: become your own soulmate first. Know yourself, treat yourself like gold, know that you have your own back, because ultimately trust is an inside job.
People say so often, I want to be able to trust somebody. It starts with knowing that you can trust yourself, that you will be solid no matter what happens! And that you can handle things like that and choose well so that you are taken care of no matter what happens. So I’m right there with you.
Shana James (16:35)
I love that. There is this way viscerally, that if you don’t trust your own experience, if you don’t trust the signals that you’re getting from your body or your intuition, you can’t actually trust another person because you’re not in reality.
Junie Moon (16:55)
Yeah. And I want to piggyback on not being in reality. If we haven’t unpacked the past, and we haven’t rewired, the person in front of you is not even the person that’s in front of you.
They’re every single person you’ve met before, with all your beliefs and all your experiences. So I always say, if you really want to be present and open to a very different, juicy, unknown, special relationship, you need to be here – not seeing your exes and pulling up some of the beliefs around, “you should be this,” “you shouldn’t be this or look like this.”
And so much of this programming happens when we’re just absorbing all these pieces of information when we’re kids. And so that’s why the shadow work, knowing what’s in shadow, the blind spots, what are we not accessing anymore, and what are we actually seeing…we need to clean that up. Otherwise, we really are acting out of the past.
And if we don’t do something differently, we’re going to have the same relationship over and over. So we must do that.
Shana James (17:55)
I keep having this image of sitting in front of a partner and the face keeps changing, and it’s like one past relationship after another – parent, cultural, dates – and how we slot people in, and our memories in, and then we’re not free to actually relate to that person.
Junie Moon (18:12)
Absolutely. And why do we do that? Again, it comes to safety. If I can identify then I know what he’s doing. I know this scenario. I’ve been here before. There’s a sense of uncharted territory versus, I know how this is going to play out.
It gives us some fake power. And yet that means we’re not seeing or experiencing what’s really happening now.
Why do we do that? It’s because there’s a part of us inside of us that really wants to keep us safe, and is assessing danger and risk all the time. So it keeps plugging in all those tapes going, “You know this. This is how he’s being. This is how you should be.”
Because, that comfort zone, which is not so comfortable sometimes, but at least we understand it. At least we know it. So I always say, let’s stretch our comfort zone. Let’s not jump out of the comfort zone. It’s comfortable here.
Shana James (19:05)
Yes, and this is how I can protect myself. I don’t need to skydive out of my comfort zone.
Junie Moon (19:21)
Right? Who wants to do that? That sounds really scary.
However, the more tools we have, the more we know ourselves, we can go, I can handle this. And then we can really drop into the present moment and trust, truly trust that we are able to show up in a different way.
Shana James (19:28)
Yes. I love that. I talk about not overcoming, but practicing, because like you said, it’s not comfortable to have that conversation. And yet clearly you’re committed to having that conversation. I’m curious to hear a little bit more about that moment.
Junie Moon (19:40)
Yeah, So we’ve been together for a while. So that helps. Though I would have had this conversation anyway, because I don’t sweep things under the rug. I had a friend years ago who, when I didn’t sweep something under the rug in a new relationship would say, “why did you feel like you had to tell him that?” And I said, “how long should I wait to tell somebody that they’re hurting me?”
Two months, six months a year? No, I don’t sweep things under the rug. And anybody who’s listening and watching, make a vow right now: I will not sweep things under the rug, because it’s going to come out some way.
So I sat with it, knowing that early on in our relationship he said time is important to him. Quality time is important. And we don’t live right around the corner. And I’m going on this seven day trip. So I’m like, wow, I’m about to have a conversation with him about my bandwidth.
I was a little nervous. There’s no doubt about it, but I also trusted myself and I was putting a stake in the ground for this is important to me. So I called him and I shared really honestly. I said, I need to give you the heads up on what’s coming up this weekend.
I wanted to give him the picture so he’s not a deer in headlights either. So this is what’s happening. This is what is going to be going on inside of me, because I know all that I was holding…
I’m probably going to be tired. I’m going to need food. I’m going to need rest. I don’t know how this is going to play out, but these are the pockets of time I know we can spend together. And I have to be honest with you. I’m not sure about the other stuff, but what I want is…
And this is what a lot of people forget to do. I shared what I saw was potentially going to happen. And then I said, “and what I really need is support and understanding. I really need you to have my back here. Is that something that feels right to you?”
Shana James (21:53)
So not only are you saying, here’s what I know I need…then you’re making a request.
Junie Moon (21:56)
I got a buy-in. Yes, I made the request and then I literally asked, is this okay for you? Because if it wasn’t, I might have then said, well, maybe we need to look at the weekend again and maybe you just come up on Sunday.
But he was like, “I love you, I’ve got your back, it’s all gonna be good.” And then one more thing that was beautiful. He cooked for me, he had my back, he did everything. He was even on my panel for my event, with all these guys sharing….
After I finished my event, I truly was beyond exhausted. I did not expect to be so tired. And I had hoped to have some intimacy with him. I had hoped to have a big evening with him. And I looked at him and I was like, I need to take a bath. I need to slow down. I’m really exhausted.
And he looked at me and he said, “babe, what do you need? How does this night look for you? What would be the best scenario?”
And I didn’t just jump right in. I didn’t say, “don’t worry.” I was like, let me take a breath. And I shared with him what would help and support me. And it was such a wonderful night. He cooked for me. It was amazing. It brought us closer. I now know he’s a great cook. He made me chili once. It was good, but he made me some chicken and wow. And a massage.
He has great hands. I hadn’t had a full massage from him. I got some bonuses here!
Shana James (23:31)
Wow, he really stepped up. And he stepped up because you asked, and because you said it in such a beautiful way.
There’s a difference between demanding vs saying, “Hey, you know, this isn’t gonna work for all these reasons,” and going into that protective mode because the fear takes over. That didn’t happen. You didn’t say, “Actually, you shouldn’t come. I don’t want…, and I don’t want…You didn’t let that part, the I don’t want to be a disappointment to you part take over.
Junie Moon (23:38)
Yes. I could have gone in so many different directions out of shadow, out of my discomfort, out of trying to make sure everything stays okay.
When we can have these honest conversations in a healthy way, and I wanna underline in a healthy way, where you’re not on the edge, and you’re not blaming or shoulding or trying to control it, when we can really allow ourselves to be seen and come from that honest place, it’s magic.
Shana James (24:32)
Totally. My book Honest Sex could have been called Honest Conversations, but there is a part about sex. The whole first section is about honesty, and how we communicate with each other in a way that’s mature and creates more intimacy. Because, like we’ve been saying, people either tend to not say anything and shove it under the rug, or communicate in very ineffective ways.
I don’t mean this as a judgment, but immature ways where we don’t realize the impact that our words have, or our tone has, or when we’re speaking from those surface places, as opposed to that depth and vulnerability.
Junie Moon (25:15)
I love the word immature actually, and I know that can have a negative connotation. However, immature is somebody who’s young, right? Somebody who doesn’t know any better. And so much of our dysfunctional or unhealthy communication comes from a very young place of, “I’m scared I’m going to be left alone, thrown out of the tribe and not survive.” It is a survival instinct. So it is a very immature, young, unevolved place.
And can we have compassion for that place that sometimes doesn’t know exactly how to say it or the fear of being vulnerable. I am the vulnerability queen and I’m this authentic, honest person, totally. And I still might say it with tears in my eyes, because I’m very emotional. I literally will say, I’m going to get a little emotional, just let the world know I’m going to get a little emotional, because I’m feeling some vulnerability or some fear right now.
Shana James (26:00)
Me too.
Junie Moon (26:13)
And I need to share with you what’s going on inside of me. So I do a little disclaimer. It just, feels right to me. I share it with them and then they’re like, okay, I need to show up and give her some love and attention and really listen with my heart. That’s what I’m inviting them into by that disclaimer, and to create a safe place for me.
Shana James (26:18)
Yeah, and I think for anyone listening who has not had a lot of experience being vulnerable, to know that you and I have both been vulnerable probably thousands of times at this point, and that we still get nervous. It’s not trying to get to the top of the mountain where there is no more nervousness. It’s about how we connect through that nervousness.
Junie Moon (27:04)
Exactly. The more we do it, the more we learn we can live through it. The more we learn the tools to do it well, the better it goes. And that’s why it’s so good to have coaches like you and me to be able to go, try this on, or let’s reframe that. And how does that feel? And what’s really going on? Because so often there are blind spots that push people away, or we say things we wish we didn’t say.
Shana James (27:11)
I’ve had so many clients come back and say, I said the thing that I wanted to say and I didn’t die. But it can feel like we’re going to.
Junie Moon (27:36)
Yeah, my God. I didn’t die. And they’re so happy. And then it’s like, I couldn’t believe it. He really stepped up and he helped me, and I was crying. There’s so much gold here. And ultimately it’s just being really kind to ourselves. That really is the magic. It really is.
Shana James (27:47)
Yes.
Anything else you want to say about how you practice currently with this one, around the fear of being a disappointment, around having honest conversations, or ny other tips that you have for people?
Junie Moon (28:11)
I’m constantly, not purposely, but constantly noticing, Am I relaxed? Am I comfortable in my body or am I stressed? I have an aura ring, so I’m looking at my stress at the end of the day and remembering moments. I track throughout the day here and there. How am I feeling? I’ll notice when my chest is tight and what I’m doing at that moment.
It may not have anything to do with him. However, if I don’t deal with that, it could very well end up being around him. Right?
I know our bodies give us a lot of information. And I know that my body speaks to me, whether it’s through inflammation and pain, which is a very common thing for me, or I just notice that I’m not getting full breaths. And so I listen to my body.
If I find myself ruminating, my goodness, my mind is running amok. And so that’s when I really lean into the tools. So if it’s my body, I might do a meditation. I love Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work. I might take a walk and get some fresh air moving my body, because sitting sometimes can be more challenging than just getting out in nature and just breathing in really good air and remembering I’m so much more than this moment in time.
There’s so many things, but really just breathing, connecting, allowing myself to have the experience, not to push it away, but to be curious about what’s going on.
Shana James (29:49)
Right, and if you’re sad, allowing yourself to actually be sad, and acknowledge that upset or anger, or hurt or disappointment, or any of those things. We can do that without blaming or shaming someone else through the shadow work that you’re talking about…through that inquiry of “what is this for me?” And how does it connect to a past experience where then I would want to say “all men are, all women are, or this always happens.”
And actually, like you said, doing the work to understand it yourself, bring compassion to yourself, and then bring it to the conversation with your partner.
Junie Moon (30:26)
And when you have that information, you can then share it. I always say, if you’re triggered, yes, maybe their behavior did suck. Maybe they did do something that was inappropriate. Okay. You’ll deal with that another time. If you’re triggered, and it’s not just a noticing, you’ve got to do your work. Take a breath. Don’t go forward. Take some time and really look at what’s going on inside of you. The more information you have about what happened, your beliefs about it, what you need moving forward, and what you’re feeling about it, and taking responsibility for your reaction, then you can share it with your partner and say, “when this happened, this is what moved through me. This is how I felt and this is what I really would like to be different moving forward.” Then you can have that conversation.
Shana James (31:15)
I love it. And those different pieces of it – here’s what was vulnerable, here’s what I actually really want. That’s one of the things I learned from my divorce – that complaint and desire are opposite sides of the same coin. And that any time we bring a complaint, as opposed to the desire, people tend to shut down. We push people away. People feel unworthy and less than. So I love how you’re saying to bring “here’s what I really want. Are you available for this?”
Junie Moon (31:49)
Right. We want to invite them in. We want them to understand what’s going on inside of us, to pull them in, to let them know how these things affect us. Because if we can really own it as our own experience, and share some of our thoughts around it without pointing fingers, they’re going to be less defensive and be interested in doing this differently.
Shana James (32:20)
Then we get to ask ourselves, do I want to live a life where I’m going to yell and nag and complain about that? Or how am I going to relate to this consciously, and make a choice here? Whether it’s I’m leaving, or I’m actually going to stay and I’m going to work this through and see why this is so hard for me.
This has been amazing and I’m excited for people to hear about the fear of being a disappointment. I think that’s the biggest thread we’ve been on. It’s such a tender one, and a scary one, but there are ways we can really show up with our hearts open, and with our requests rather than demands – being vulnerable instead of putting up those walls of protection, and being willing to see what shows up in return. And trusting.
Junie Moon (33:29)
It’s so freeing, to just be yourself, and to let somebody in. I get that it’s all those things. And when you can really just allow yourself this journey of connecting to yourself, and then sharing it… it’s so exhausting – the hiding, the squashing, the trying to manipulate and be good enough and jump through the hoops, and then maybe I’ll be safe.
Shana James (33:42)
My God. Trying to prove. It’s exhausting. And we don’t really get to feel the love when we’re doing that.
Junie Moon (33:57)
It’s just so exhausting, and no, we’re always on guard and all that stuff. Not fun.
Shana James (34:07)
Thank you so much and where can people find more of your work?
Junie Moon (34:15)
I have a quiz that’s so awesome. I’ve spent a lot of time creating it. It’s to discover your love avatar, and see how relationship ready you are. It’s a quick quiz, but it gives you some really good information about where you are when it comes to being relationship ready, and what’s your superpower as your love avatar, and where there might be some challenges, where the shadows lurking. So it’s on my website, which is midlife love out loud.
As well as my podcast and all a lot of content, the quiz is right there It’ll pop right up and you’ll learn so much about how you’re wired, and where you are when it comes to opening or shutting down, and how to move toward that next level love kind of relationship. Go to my website. Enjoy all the material there, and definitely take the quiz. It’s really informative.
Shana James (35:12)
Awesome. Thank you so much for being here and talking about needs and wants in a relationship, and creating safety for ourselves.
Junie Moon (35:15)
This was so much fun. Thank you so much. This was great.
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