While there are overlaps, communicating as a couple is different from communicating at work or with family. In a couple, in addition to building trust and respect, you have to help someone feel so safe with you that they will be vulnerable with their emotions and their body! Today’s guest shares the most important communication skills for couples to keep their relationship connected, that also work in the dating phase.
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Communicating as a Couple to Feel More Connected: Show Notes
It’s not a guess that, at some point, you’ve felt misunderstood by someone you love. Everyone has!
When we consider how to feel heard and connected in a romantic relationship, there are many layers. Communication is one of the skills that weaves through all of the layers.
It is often like peeling an onion. As soon as one layer is peeled, another is revealed. And more of communication is non-verbal than many people realize.
Beyond the actual words you speak, and when you speak them, it’s important to recognize some of the other layers, including:
- Whether you are able to see someone else’s perspective as valid
- Your capacity to speak with compassion, and without blame or shame
- Your ability to listen, fully, until someone feels understood
- Your tone, and whether you are holding on to negative beliefs about your partner
- Whether you’re trying to prove something about yourself, and thus defending that
- How you relate to your fear of being rejected or abandoned
Today’s Practicing Love podcast guest, Robyn Smith, is an award-winning speaker, and master trauma, communication, and relationship coach for women. She’s helped thousands transform frustration into fulfillment by cultivating deeper, more conscious, and loving connections. She also walks her talk in her 23 year marriage!
On today’s podcast about communicating as a couple we discussed…
- When to accept differences vs see them as dealbreakers
- How to speak your mind without making the person you love wrong
- What you can replace defensiveness with, to reduce upset and hurt
- Listening deeper than the surface words your partner uses
- Why effective communication is the cornerstone to navigating relationship challenges
- How seeing patterns in communication helps breaks cycles of conflict
- The importance of recognizing our old wounds, and the reactions they cause us to have
Robyn also has a training happening next week. Sign up for her FREE Communication training: THE CONNECTION CODE: Master Authentic and Loving Communication here.
Women can join live and men can listen to the recordings.
🌟 You’ll learn:
✔️ How to communicate clearly so you get heard and understood
✔️ Tools to speak authentically and lovingly so you avoid conflict
✔️ The one key skill that creates more intimacy with your partner
✔️ How to ask for what you want without evoking a defensive reaction
This is a great opportunity to learn from someone I trust, who really understands what it takes to make a relationship thrive, even in challenging times.
Links:
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Connect with Robyn
*Sign up for Robyn’s FREE Communication training: THE CONNECTION CODE: Master Authentic and Loving Communication.
Women can join live and men can listen to the recordings
*Grab Robyn’s FREE Connection Cure Communication Checklist here
Bio:
Robyn Smith is an award-winning speaker and master trauma, communication, and relationship coach for women. Founder of the Rock Your Relationship movement, she’s helped thousands transform frustration into fulfillment by cultivating deeper, more conscious, and loving connections. With her thriving 23-year marriage as inspiration, Robyn combines practical relationship strategies with emotional healing to create lasting change. Her approach goes beyond communication, reshaping how women experience love and connection. As a certified master trauma coach, she specializes in helping clients break free from trauma and unhealthy patterns, restoring harmony within relationships and within themselves.
Transcript
Shana James, M.A. (00:05)
Hello and welcome to this episode of Practicing Love, Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life After 40. I am excited to be here today with an amazing woman who I’ve known for many years and trust deeply with her wisdom, Robyn Smith. Robyn, thank you so much for being here to talk about the keys to communicate as a couple.
Robyn Smith (00:20)
Thanks for having me. I’m honored to be here.
Shana James, M.A. (00:24)
Robyn is a master trauma, communication, and relationship coach for women. She’s the founder of the Rock Your Relationship Movement and she is in a thriving 23 year marriage, which these days is quite a feat. So, congratulations and I’m excited to hear what you have to share with us.
Can you tell us a little bit about anything that stands out either about your current relationship or how you got into this relationship?
Robyn Smith (00:58)
Currently what’s real is we moved to Costa Rica about three years ago and we’ve been building a whole new life here. And it’s taken a lot of teamwork and we’ve, I think, impressed ourselves with how well we’re doing with that, given how really challenging it has been. I think it’s brought us closer together.
Shana James, M.A. (01:22)
I love that you’re speaking to that, because the fantasy is, you moved to Costa Rica. How delightful. And the reality is, wow, we have to build a whole new life, and a whole new community, in a culture that’s very different. So I’m glad that’s going well.
Robyn Smith (01:38)
Absolutely. Yeah, this has been one challenge after another. And we’re building a home. That’s a whole other level of challenge.
Shana James, M.A. (01:42)
Really. I mean, it really tests a relationship to go through all of these major transformations and everything from decision-making to organizing, and taking action, and different styles of motivation and all of that.
Is there anything standing out the most from this current time that you feel proud of?
Robyn Smith (02:25)
Yeah, we are somewhat different in our preferences around life or home. So my husband’s a builder and an artist. So he’s got real visions of how it should be, and the value of the home. And I’m a little more like, let’s just keep it simple. And I don’t need anything fancy. And so we’ve had to really compromise and negotiate around these things.
And I’m proud of where we’ve gotten to with that because it has been some of the bigger challenges of finding our way with different ideas about what we want. That’s part of any relationship, whether you’re building a home or not, that you’re decorating a home or you’re raising a kid or whatever you’re doing, there’s always going to be differences about what you like and what you think is right and what you don’t think is right.
Shana James, M.A. (03:24)
…And how attached you are to what you think is right. We’re going to get more into the tips and wisdom from your practices later, but if there’s anything that comes up for you around compromise or negotiation – I know you teach women how to communicate in a way that creates more and better love and relationships – Is there anything you’ve been using as you’re also teaching it?
Robyn Smith (03:57)
A couple things. So a thing I teach about a lot is when to accept your differences. Sometimes people will stick that in the middle as an obstacle. We can’t make this work because we don’t agree on this thing. There certainly are deal breakers that we all have. But sometimes I think people make things deal breakers that they could really work with. And if they could work with that they could get to a better place. And so I know we have had some of those hurdles that we’ve worked through.
I’m grateful because we’re doing well.
Shana James, M.A. (04:39)
That’s great.
My partner has said to me that he’s never been in a relationship where he could talk about things as freely. So it’s not that we don’t have struggles, but he said, this just feels so amazing that we can talk about anything. And if we can talk about anything, it feels like we can pretty much get through anything.
Robyn Smith (04:49)
I love that. Thank you for bringing in the communication because that’s exactly it – to be able to voice, – what do you want? What do I want? How can we make this work for both of us? Or, how can we compromise here? To be on the same team with it, instead of pushing away because I can’t accept that, so it’s not going to work.
Shana James, M.A. (05:11)
Yes, thank you for highlighting more of the keys to communicate as a couple, so people feel connected and heard!
Alright, we’re gonna dive into one of your personal struggles, as people who have listened know. If you’re listening for the first time, you may not know that the purpose of this podcast really is, and so far I’ve been interviewing experts and people in the relationship field, because I want to help people see that even those of us who have been working at this for a very long time, that we still struggle and we are practicing love and finding ways to make our relationships work.
It’s not because it’s just easy, or because we found the perfect person who checks all of our boxes. So I’m excited to hear something that you’ve struggled with in your relationship life.
Robyn Smith (06:05)
Thank you. One that comes to mind that’s current, is around this building process. We’re kind of still working through it, what I’ve spoken to, but that piece around my husband Patrick is really kind of set in his ways and he knows a lot more about building and structure and, and even aesthetics than me.
He has his own ideas. And I will come up and say, you know, I don’t want that, or that doesn’t work for me, or that’s not my idea of what we need, you know? And so we can have a little power struggle about that, or butt heads and he’s pretty firm in his thinking. And so for me, there’s been a lot of kind of accepting, like, okay, he knows what’s best here. He gets structure in a way that I don’t, in the buildings, and what’s needed.
And I tend to sweat the small stuff and I’ve learned that a lot through our relationship, as I get a little nitpicky and a little minuscule – what about this? What about that?
And he’s like, it’s going to be fine. So I’ve learned to kind of let go. I’d say let go a lot and also not shut up about it. I will speak my mind, but not making him wrong, but just ask: do we need that or is that true, or what’s that about? and sometimes that’s tiring for him to have to explain himself but it helps me understand why he’s doing what he’s doing and I let him know I want to be included in this.
It’s our house and it’s important to me to be included even if you feel like you have to explain stupid stuff that you know to me because I just want to understand, and I want to feel like the decisions are my decisions too, or I’m on board with them.
Shana James, M.A. (08:12)
Yes. Our house, our decisions.
Robyn Smith (08:34)
So that’s kind of been ongoing, a new journey that we haven’t had. We actually did build our house in California too, but this is next level of that journey, you know, and that challenge that we’ve been facing.
Shana James, M.A. (08:42)
Yeah, it reminds me too, I’ve been working with couples on this for a long time. Couples bring up these examples of, I want to paint a room or I want to add a whatever to the house, and the squabbles or fights or conflicts that come up are fascinating to me.
And then to start to pick them apart a little bit and realize, one person’s tracking for structure, the other person’s tracking for beauty, someone’s tracking for time and effort and energy and someone is tracking the money situation. But it’s not always apparent.
Robyn Smith (09:23)
Absolutely. I love that point too, because so often there’s such a much deeper issue at play too. There’s aesthetics and there’s money. And then sometimes it’s about being important or feeling like I matter, and so often the couples don’t see that, and they’re arguing on the superficial level. It’s like, I just need to be heard and I need to know that you care.
Shana James, M.A. (09:47)
Of course. I’m so glad you just said that. Because even those things that people are tracking for are more still the surface layer of what you’re saying. Yes, I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel like you care about me. I don’t feel valued. I don’t feel included.
Robyn Smith (10:12)
That’s why I love the work. I work with couples as well, and I love that opportunity to go deeper, whether it’s with an individual or a couple. Okay, let’s see what’s underneath that. What’s the real need here? What’s the real fear here?
Shana James, M.A. (10:30)
Yes. How do you work with that for yourself? When you notice, wow, there is this underlying fear or this underlying need. Do you work with that together? Do you do that on your own?
Robyn Smith (10:53)
Yeah, I think we do it together. I’m pretty out front about whatever’s going on for me. I don’t like to pull away. My style is just, lay it all out there. So I think a little like you were sharing too, and process together.
So I’d like to be heard and seen and all of that. And I think because of the work I’ve done over the years, I’m not afraid anymore. And because of the safety that we’ve built up over time, I’m not afraid he’s gonna leave me if I say something wrong or stupid or that he doesn’t agree with.
So I feel really safe to just share some of those fears, or even stuff that I’m maybe a little ashamed about, that I’m worried about or whatever that I’m judging. I don’t hold those back.
Shana James, M.A. (11:45)
Awesome. And I know for when I’m teaching communication classes – I created one for men last year where we talked about asking if this is a good time, and then setting a context of “here’s why I want to talk about this and here’s how it could benefit us,” or “here’s what I want for you,” beyond just what I want, because if we are leaving someone to create their own context for a conversation, it usually is something negative like, “ you don’t love me anymore.” Or “you’re mad at me,” or things like that. Do you have ways that you personally practice as you’re having those conversations, either setting them up or structuring them?
Robyn Smith (12:34)
Yeah, that’s funny because I was thinking we might talk about that today. So yes, and I love what you’re saying about a shared intention or a vision, which I probably don’t tend to do.
Well, we do that around our sexual time. We do set intentions for that. We could do that more in our conversations. But what we do is set the time, like, “hey, I want to have this conversation when is a good time to talk?” We need to have a business meeting. We need to sit down and just getting really clear that someone is available for that physically, energetically, emotionally, that you’re really here and able to be present for that.
So we definitely do that. And I ask for that.
Shana James, M.A. (13:17)
Yeah. Living what you teach, I would imagine there are many fundamentals, and you likely practice without even knowing it. At this point, it’s unconscious competence, right? So as you’re speaking, I’m guessing, you can tell me if I’m wrong, but you’re not using “you statements” or blaming, or telling him what’s wrong with him.
Robyn Smith (13:52)
I’ll do my best. Yeah. Absolutely that is exactly what I teach, you know, as part of the skills that I offer. And I have my moments where I just want to blame it. And so it does happen.
But I do my best. I’m aware when I just decided to dig a little bit and I often apologize for that. So, yeah, I’m not doing it perfectly. And we’ve come a long way because I definitely came from a household where blame was popular and kind of a go to.
And so it took some retraining, a lot of retraining myself to get that out of my language and really come back to those I statements and how powerful that is and empowering that is to communicate as a couple, in kind and caring ways.
Shana James, M.A. (14:44)
I love that point, because I too came from a family of a lot of blame and a lot of attack and a lot of shame. It’s like this training because it doesn’t just come naturally if that’s the environment that we grew up in.
And so for all of us, whether it’s a blaming, or a collapsing, or a stewing, or passive aggressive or whatever, whatever examples we saw become part of our nervous system, or the rebellion from those becomes part of our system. And we really do have to learn and be willing to grow.
Robyn Smith (15:37)
Yeah, and practice and be conscious.
Shana James, M.A. (15:39)
Yeah, What else would you say is helpful in your conversations as a kind of practice?
Robyn Smith (15:51)
To really watch the defensiveness, and that it’s a human pattern, especially when you’re feeling blamed or attacked. So it’s easy to go there. I work with a lot of couples and individuals around that and to practice humility as the alternative is just to really say,, okay, I hear you. Yes, you know, I see that I did that or whatever it might be.
It’s so much more inviting and connecting when we do, and when I do. So I feel like that’s a really important practice. You see the pattern of wanting to defend. “I didn’t do that. I don’t know what you mean.” Or “I don’t know why that happened,” to protect our fragile egos. But when we can just let down that wall and take in some feedback or apologize for mistakes, it just all goes better.
Shana James, M.A. (16:48)
Yeah, I’m thinking of a couple that I’ve worked with where one way of defending can even just be explaining or rationalizing, and where people’s hearts get missed in that process, right? Or where it’s like, I’m trying to help you understand why I did that thing, and meanwhile the other person is like “In this moment, I don’t care. What I really want to know is that you care about me and that you hear me and that you understand me, and that it makes sense to you why I’m hurting.”
And that can seem so, so innocent. But I’m just trying to help you understand…
Robyn Smith (17:35)
I just worked with a couple around that exact thing yesterday. And the other part of the pattern is that sometimes people ask, “why did you do that?” Which is a subtle way of blaming.
And so, and then the person goes into defensiveness. “Well, I did that because…”, that’s the explaining you’re talking about. And the other person’s like, “well, why are you always defending yourself?” Well, because you’re kind of blaming me, and asking me these questions. I feel like I have to defend myself.
Shana James, M.A. (17:58)
Right. There is always two sides of a dynamic. And I imagine that one is about tone too, Because you could ask from a genuinely curious, loving place, like, “why did you do that? Can you help me understand that?” It’s very different from an accusatory “why did you do that?”
Robyn Smith (18:21)
Right. It’s so fascinating when you can start to see the patterns. And when we can see how we’ve hooked each other in the pattern. Sometimes I work with one person and I’m hearing their side, and then we get together as a couple and now I see what’s really going on here. You’re not innocently involved here.
There’s your part in how that dynamic is getting created and perpetuated. So it’s super helpful to hear and see from both parties. And yeah, totally what you said about that explaining piece of – can you hear the underneath piece, that your partner just said they want connection?
And they’re afraid of disconnection. And you just explained why you’re not having connection because she’s blaming you. But how about just really acknowledging that she said that?
And that’s, like you said, such a heart heart longing that was expressed. And when you miss that, you’re in your head, you get out of the heart and into your head and you’re up here in explanation. It’s actually a way to continue disconnection.
Shana James, M.A. (19:37)
Yes.
Robyn Smith (19:48)
So dropping into, “let me hear what you said. I really get how that’s important to you.” – that listening practice, sharing what you heard, is so powerful.
Shana James, M.A. (20:04)
And way more vulnerable. Way more vulnerable to open, to show me the parts of myself that feel like my shadow that I don’t want anyone to see.
Robyn Smith (20:22)
Yeah, it can be scary. And can be so healing too when you realize, okay, that wasn’t so bad. And now I feel closer to you because that happened and, you know, we can learn to trust that process in a safe container.
Shana James, M.A. (20:28)
Agreed. Beautiful. Is there anything else that feels important as you think about what you practice, whether in this situation or just on a daily basis to keep your marriage alive, that has allowed you to have 23 years of a thriving relationship?
Robyn Smith (21:06)
Another piece that I practice that’s been really important to me specifically, I think it applies to a lot of people too, I have an old wound around my mother not being a good listener and being super hyper-focused, say on the crossword puzzle.
And I’m like, “mom, I need your attention,” and she doesn’t hear me. And so for me, eye contact is really important in important conversations. Not like, hey, see you later or don’t forget the broccoli conversations, but the more important ones, I want to know you’re hearing me. And I can’t know that when you start walking into the other room or you’re like, “yeah, I’m hearing you, but I’m going to do the dishes right now.”
I require more attention. And I’m not judging that as a needy thing. I think we all deserve that. And so I’ve learned to ask for that over the years. “Can you please sit down and come back to this conversation?” And it’s really important to me to feel that you’re here and I don’t want to be yelling the conversation to you in the other room.
So that’s been a piece for me to ask for what I want, and to also name that, and so I put that out to my clients and whoever’s listening, that we deserve that..
Shana James, M.A. (22:29)
Yeah, and it’s so powerful to recognize your own need, because your partner may not need that to feel heard. So to not discount yourself for needing it when someone else doesn’t, and also to find, what is it actually, helps me feel understood. And asking for it instead of complaining that it’s not happening!
Robyn Smith (23:01)
Right, right. That’s a huge point there too. Complaining is, as I say in my teaching, like you dropped a dead weight or a deflated ball, and it goes nowhere. You don’t want to play with that.
Shana James, M.A. (23:15)
I was thinking of it like shitting in the pool, but yours is a nicer metaphor.
Robyn Smith (23:21)
Yeah, a request is much more workable than a complaint.
Shana James, M.A. (23:22)
Yes, right. It doesn’t go anywhere. And people just feel shitty, and then it goes down that downward spiral of, you’re not actually seeing me or appreciating me and just bounces back and forth.
I used to do that in my marriage. I’m guilty of that. When he got vulnerable and would say, “this hard for me when you don’t…” And I’d be like, “well, you don’t…”
What I had to realize about myself was I wasn’t actually speaking up for myself, and asking for what I needed. So when he did, I started to feel pissed, like, why can you ask for what you want, but I can’t ask for what I want? So then I would get defensive and do that. Realizing later that that was my issue.
Robyn Smith (24:17)
Yeah, your wounded self.
Shana James, M.A. (24:22)
Yeah. Alright, any last bits before we help people know where to find you?
Robyn Smith (24:38)
I think we covered the points I wanted to cover and I love how we just got to it in our own organic way, so that was great.
Pretty complete. Okay, here’s one piece I will say, just as I said that. I love dropping a seed for: you can have it too. We all have our background, whether it’s trauma or just a lot of drama, but we’ve all got wounds that can be healed. And it takes persistence, it takes commitment and getting support usually to do that.
I don’t think most of us can do it alone. And so I love that people are here listening and looking for some support. And I just encourage people to take that next step. Really, it’s precious when you have a coach like you or me, or whoever you are drawn to, to get in there with you, and help you unpack what’s really going on and get underneath. So you’re not stuck on the surface of those frustrating arguments and those disappointments, or angry or resentful feelings that continue because you haven’t broken the cycle.
So breaking the cycle, unpacking the patterns, getting to the core is life changing. Absolutely life changing. I want that for everybody.
Shana James, M.A. (25:59)
Life-changing. I just love that too. You can spend years and decades not feeling loved, not feeling understood, not feeling heard, and it’s exhausting, and it’s heartbreaking and disappointing, and why do that to yourself?
Alright, so where can people find you? I know you have a training coming up if people are listening to this in our current live version.
Robyn Smith (26:30)
That’s right. The training is called the Connection Code: Mastering Authentic and Loving Communication.
So I offer that for women live and men on the recordings. We create a safe environment and I teach them solid communication skills, for about an hour a day for four days. I have some real tools here you can start implementing. I highly encourage people to sign up for that. It’s totally free. And if you happen to miss it, there’s my communication checklist, which is a really simple tool to look through what you’re doing, and what you might be missing, and some tips for how to fill in those gaps on the checklist.
So those are all free and available on my website RobynSmith.net. I’m on YouTube and have a Facebook group also.
Shana James, M.A. (27:24)
Awesome, thank you so much. And I highly recommend doing Robyn’s training. There’s so much to be gained from you, who has done the work to understand these deeper layers of trauma and how trauma then shows up in our communication.
And like we said, we both want you to have amazing love, and to know that it’s possible and to know that however you were raised, it’s possible. My example relationship growing up was, and still is, fraught with so much bitterness and anger and disappointment. There’s no understanding of the depth of what’s happening, or respecting what’s happening for each other.
And so I know if I can learn, then anyone else can too. Thank you so much for being here and for teaching what you’re teaching in the world, and the keys to communicate as a couple.
Robyn Smith (28:40)
My pleasure. Thanks for the great conversation.
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