When one partner’s attachment style is anxious, and the other’s is avoidant, it can be painful for both. But you can learn to consciously communicate and create ways for each person to feel safe and valued. Today’s guests talk about how to lovingly collaborate and negotiate, to meet the needs and desires of each partner.
If you’re not satisfied with your love or sex-life, and could use some insights into what makes a person want more of you, tell me more about yourself here and we’ll schedule a time to talk.
Show notes
Have you ever loved someone, but found it challenging or painful to be in a relationship?
I laughed a bit as I wrote that because I think most of us would answer YES!
There are different reasons for this, but one of the main reasons that’s getting a lot of attention these days is attachment styles.
Have you explored your attachment style in romantic relationships?
To give a very basic description, attachment styles refer to how you engage in relationships (romantic and otherwise). There are 3 basic attachment styles: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. Though, we can exhibit aspects of different styles at different times of our lives, and in different phases of relationship.
While I have become more secure over the years, I lean more toward an anxious style in the beginning of a relationship, and then have avoidant tendencies as a relationship progresses. My partner and I often joke with each other about our avoidant tendencies, since we thankfully both have them.
It’s likely you exhibit one of these styles more often, but you may also have secure, anxious, and avoidant moments. Dr. Stan Tatkin is a well known attachment therapist who created his own designations for these three attachment styles — Anchor, Wave and Island. To me, they feel more neutral, and easier to stomach, as we dissect our relational styles.
It’s incredibly powerful to understand your style and tendencies, and that of your partner, because love and good feelings alone don’t create healthy, lasting relationships. We need to understand the underpinnings of our conflict and upsets.
Today’s Practicing Love podcast guests, Jason and Violet Lange are a conscious couple, who both work as life and love coaches. They recently created a program for couples called Evolutionary Couples, where they give guidance for communication, intimacy, shared purpose, and more. Today, they get vulnerable about their attachment styles and the impact on their relationship. They’ve named one of their dynamics The Grenade at the Wall! Have a guess of who’s the grenade and who’s the wall?
It is so helpful to hear from a couple who consciously shares about their dynamic, without making either person wrong, and the ways they collaborate when they have breakdowns. In our powerful conversation we discussed…
- How to stay away from the relationship fantasies that make us feel bad and wrong about ourselves
- The true passion that arises from a sober view of romantic relationships
- How to lovingly navigate a partner’s insecurities
- What creates relational safety
- The power of couples naming patterns and cycles
- How to recognize when triggers are happening, rather than getting sucked in
- The importance of bringing energy to a relationship, rather than showing up empty
- Staying connected in the midst of desire conflicts
- Dealing with socks on the floor and other annoying habits
- The sacred practice of sexual generosity
- Building trust through rupture and repair
Jason and Violet have a quite extraordinary love story, and they both started their relationship by being as honest as they could, to make sure they could be fully themselves with each other. They are also parents, which helps if you’re a parent who feels like you’re trying to keep a relationship alive in the midst of child-care and an overwhelming number of life responsibilities.
When you’re done with this episode, check out Jason’s episode on the Man Alive podcast, about a missing link to true power and great sex! And let me know if you have any questions or aha’s as you listen to either one.
Links:
Connect with Shana James
Get a Free copy of Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive.
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship it shows you how to take the self-doubt, struggle and shame out of your love life.
Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz
For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women
Connect with Jason and Violet
Bio:
Jason and Violet’s relationship purpose is to Radiate Love & Inspire Others into their Orbit of Depth & Fun. They coach men and women towards success in dating, intimacy and relationships, with over twenty years of combined experience.
Through their own journey, individually and together, they’ve worked through anxious / avoidant attachment patterns, reverse polarity, power dynamics, financial stress, parenting challenges, sexual trauma, fertility struggles, chore complaints and more.
Jason and Violet believe relationship is a spiritual path; it’s not easy, but with intention, you CAN cultivate ease…as well as passion, connection, and trust.
They met in a dream that Violet had, three weeks before meeting in real life (at a meet-up event on lucid dreaming!) But the heart of their love story is in the messy, hard, playful work they’ve put in over eight years, to make their cosmic dream a reality for themselves and for other couples.
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