In this episode of Practicing Love, I sit down with Self-Love & Relationship Coach Risa Gaull, who reminds us of a powerful truth: you are the love you seek.
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
Calling in “The One”: How to Become and Attract a Soul-Aligned Partner: Show Notes
I’ve been focusing on those who are finding love recently, as I’m working on my Honest Dating manual, but whether you’re looking for love, or rekindling love, the foundations are the same.
If you’re dating and it feels hard to find love, it’s not because you’re doing it wrong, but most people were taught to look outside yourself for what can only come from within. This happens in long-term relationships too.
In today’s podcast episode, I sat down with Risa Gaull, a Self-Love & Relationship coach who reminds you that you are the love you seek. Her work beautifully aligns with the heart of Honest Dating and Honest Sex.
In our conversation, we explore what it truly takes to call in a soul-aligned partner — and not by fixing yourself, performing, or waiting to be chosen, but by reconnecting with your true self beneath wounds, stories, and survival strategies.
We talk about:
- How to know when you’re dating from your wounded self rather than your aligned self
- The body-based and emotional signs that tell you when you’re out of alignment
- Why making a partner your source of validation creates anxiety and resentment
- How self-compassion (not self-improvement) is the doorway to real intimacy
- What changes when you stop needing someone else to be different for you to feel good
This episode is especially for you if you’ve done “all the work,” understand relationships intellectually, but still find yourself feeling anxious, unsure, or disconnected as you’re dating. Calling in love isn’t just about the right person. It’s about coming home to yourself so you can co-create something beautiful together.
Links:
Connect with Shana James
Best love and sex of your life quiz
Get a Free copy of Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive.
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship it shows you how to take the self-doubt, struggle and shame out of your love life.
💘 If you’re looking for love:
Take this quiz: Find Love With More Ease and Joy
🔥 If you’re dating or in a relationship and you want more connection or intimacy:
Take this quiz: What Keeps You From Having the Best Love and Sex of Your Life?
Each quiz only takes a few minutes, and give you a personalized report of how you can have more of the love and intimacy you want.
Connect with Risa
Risa’s free e-guide – Soulmate Ready: 3 Secrets to Get the Love You Want
Bio:
Risa Gaull is a Self-Love & Relationship Coach who’s here to remind you that you are the love you seek. For the past decade, she’s been helping women—whether they’re single or feeling unsatisfied with their relationship—create the healthy, soul-aligned love they truly want. She’s an award-winning speaker and creator of the programs, Get Soulmate Ready and Freedom from Codependency: The Self-Love Solution. Risa has a real gift for helping women break free from old patterns, reconnect with their worth, and step into the confident, grounded version of themselves who can finally experience the love they’ve always wanted.
Transcript:
Shana James (00:00)
Welcome to the Practicing Love podcast. I’m so excited to be here for this episode. I’m your host, Shana James, and this is another one for the singles out there.
Today we’re going to talk about how to call in a soul-aligned partner and what that actually means. We have an amazing guest, Risa Gaull. Risa, thank you so much for joining us.
Risa Gaull (00:22)
Thank you, Shana. My pleasure.
Shana James (00:24)
Risa is a relationship coach and a self-love coach, and she often reminds her clients that we are the love we seek, which I think is such a beautiful thing to remember.
It reminds me of Gandhi’s quote: Be the change you want to see in the world. It’s like — be the love you want to experience, or be the partner you want to attract. And it’s so much easier to look outside and ask who someone else is being, instead of looking at who we’re being and how that impacts the kind of partner we attract.
So thank you for this conversation.
Risa Gaull (00:51)
Exactly. Thank you so much for having me.
Shana James (00:56)
Can we start with this: we both talk about soul love and soul-level love. How do you define a soul-aligned partner?
Risa Gaull (01:09)
Wow, I love that question.
I think we first have to be in alignment with ourselves. That’s really the name of the game. Like you said — we have to be the one in order to attract that kind of partner. We have to be aligned with our own soul, our own self, because we attract from wherever we are energetically.
One of my mentors, Catherine Woodward Thomas, says: Wherever we are somatically centered at the level of identity is where we create our lives and relationships from.
Shana James (01:51)
Okay, we have to break that down. That was a lot of gold.
“Wherever we’re somatically centered in our identity…” So let’s talk a little about what that means for people who may not know what somatically centered means, and also what you mean by identity. I have my own definitions, but I’d love to hear yours.
Risa Gaull (02:10)
Yes. Somatically just means in the body. So we need to feel physically present in our bodies.
Wherever we’re centered at the level of identity — how we’re identifying ourselves and embodying that identity — becomes the lens through which we create our lives and attract the people we attract.
This is the work I do and love so much.
Shana James (02:38)
Yeah. I’m thinking about identity, and there are so many levels of it.
Often the first level is the roles we play — I’m a mom, I’m a coach, things like that. But I imagine you’re pointing to a deeper level of identity. Is that right?
Risa Gaull (02:59)
Yes. When I say identity, I’m not talking about roles.
I mean: How am I seeing myself? How am I identifying who I am?
Am I identifying with the pure, beautiful soul I was born as? Most of us are not.
Or am I identifying with the learned beliefs and limiting beliefs from childhood experiences — all the I’m not good enough stories and the meanings we made about ourselves, others, and life when we were young?
Those interpretations form what’s sometimes called our source-fracture story — the story we created about who we are based on what happened to us.
In many ways, it’s a form of relational trauma, to some degree or another. Most of us become very over-identified with what we call the wounded self or these limiting beliefs.
For example, I learned to believe I’m not good enough. That’s my main one — and it’s a very common one.
Shana James (04:06)
Yeah. I can definitely identify with that one too.
Risa Gaull (04:26)
Right. There are about 22 common core wounds that have been identified.
But when someone believes I’m not good enough, they start identifying themselves as that person who isn’t good enough. And that shapes how they show up in the world and the patterns that grow from that belief.
Shana James (04:51)
Yeah.
And sometimes these patterns are so subtle — and sometimes they’re obvious. When I work with clients, people often don’t realize they’re operating from that wound.
We’re not walking around thinking, I’m identified with my wound. But when we start exploring questions like:
Why did I say that?
Why did I act that way?
Why was I so anxious in that moment?
Often those reactions come from those deeper identities or wounds. Would you agree?
Risa Gaull (05:35)
Absolutely. Most of us have no idea.
We think that wounded identity is simply who we are. But really, it’s what we call the false center.
The work I’m doing now with people is helping them reconnect with the truth of who they are — and learning how to recognize when they’re operating from the wounded self versus when they’re aligned with their true self.
And it sounds complicated, but it’s actually not that complicated.
Shana James (06:12)
I love that. Please make it simpler.
For me, it’s not always easy. And I often feel like I’m straddling both worlds — the wounded patterns and the deeper alignment. I’ve never reached a place where the old patterns are completely gone.
So anytime someone says it can be simpler, I love hearing that.
Risa Gaull (06:29)
Yes, and it is definitely a journey.
Like I said, most of us start out very over-identified with the wounded self. So how do you know which one you’re operating from?
A simple indicator is: how do you feel?
When you’re in the wounded self, you usually won’t feel very good.
I give my clients three ways to distinguish between the wounded self and the true self.
First, pay attention to your body sensations.
If you’re in the old story or limiting belief, your body will often reflect that. Your posture might collapse. You might feel constriction in your throat, like you can’t speak your truth. You might feel heaviness in your heart, or tightness in the solar plexus — which is a center where we process emotions.
Just noticing your body is a powerful starting point.
Shana James (07:49)
Yes.
Risa Gaull (08:04)
The second signal is your emotions.
If I’m feeling insecure, anxious, afraid, or not confident, those are signals that I may be operating from that false center or limiting story.
Now, that doesn’t mean we never feel sadness, anger, or hurt when we’re aligned. Those are normal human emotions. But there’s a difference between feeling emotions and being completely taken over by self-doubt, blame, or self-criticism.
Shana James (08:38)
Right. Those tend to take over more.
Risa Gaull (08:52)
Exactly.
And the third signal is your thoughts.
When you notice you’re in a place that doesn’t feel good, you can ask yourself: What thoughts am I actually thinking right now?
Often they’re unconscious. But if you pause and look, you might realize you’re thinking something like: I’m not good enough, or I’m afraid to do this thing.
That belief fuels the doubt you’re feeling.
You can start questioning those thoughts — like Byron Katie’s work. Asking: Is this true?
Shana James (09:29)
Yes — Byron Katie’s question: Is it true? Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
It also requires the ability to step back a little and witness what’s happening. To recognize: I’m thinking these thoughts. Are they actually mine? Are they even true? Or are they just running through my mind like a train?
Risa Gaull (09:53)
Exactly.
And speaking of trains, if you catch a thought early, it’s often easier to question it and shift to a better-feeling thought.
You might say: Actually, maybe that’s not true.
Or: Maybe I don’t have to be perfect right now. Maybe I am good enough.
But if you’ve been sitting with that thought for a while, it builds momentum. Thoughts and emotions gain energy the longer they run. When that momentum gets strong, it’s much harder to just flip the switch and say, Oh, that’s not true.
Shana James (10:31)
They do.
It gets harder to stop the train.
Risa Gaull (10:48)
Exactly. It’s hard to just pick another thought when you’re already deep in it.
Shana James (10:52)
I’m always fascinated because I have a deep spiritual practice and also study different teachers and psychological frameworks.
The more I look at them, the more I see they’re all kind of doorways into the same thing. Whether we’re meditating and finding a deeper peace within ourselves, or examining our thoughts and realizing those thoughts aren’t necessarily real.
In both cases, we’re coming back to the same question: Who are we really?
Who are we beyond these personalities and stories?
How do we actually sit inside ourselves — like you said — in a way where we can love ourselves and connect with someone else without needing to prove something, perform, or play a role to feel lovable?
Risa Gaull (11:54)
Yes. Self-love is such a journey.
Going back to how we know when we’re in alignment — your body is a great indicator. When you’re aligned, you tend to feel tall, open, confident, expansive, and connected. There’s a sense of I’m here, and I’m comfortable.
That’s what I would call being in your power center, as opposed to the wounded self or false center.
Shana James (12:31)
I definitely notice that in myself.
When I’m in that essence or true self, my spine literally feels taller and straighter. And when I’m in my wounds or what I sometimes call my “little girl,” there’s that collapsed feeling.
Risa Gaull (12:49)
Yes, exactly.
One of the key practices I teach is called a Self-Love Power Practice. It’s the main tool for shifting when we notice we’re in that wounded or false center.
Once you start to recognize what it feels like to be in your power center, you don’t have to be perfect. It’s just a process of noticing when you’ve shifted out of alignment and learning how to come back.
There are many tools I teach my clients, but this is one of the core practices.
Actually, do you want to share the gold right now?
Shana James (13:24)
Yes — I would love it. Let’s share the gold.
Risa Gaull (13:42)
Great.
When we notice we’re in that wounded place and not feeling good, the first step is to get curious and approach ourselves with compassion.
Most of us immediately go into judgment:
Why am I feeling this way? I shouldn’t feel this way. What’s wrong with me?
Instead of doing that, we can pause.
Maybe take a breath.
You can even put your hand on your heart.
We can actually walk through this together right now. If you want, you can close your eyes or simply bring your awareness inward.
Take a breath.
Bring your awareness back into your body.
From that curious, witnessing place within you — the wiser, loving adult self — allow the feeling that’s present to come up in your body.
Just be with it.
Imagine how you might sit with an upset child if you were a loving adult. Often there’s a younger part of us that’s upset and just needs some love and attention.
So we ask:
What am I feeling?
Where do I feel it in my body?
Allow the sensation to be there without trying to fix it or make it go away.
Then notice where the feeling is strongest. Maybe it’s that sinking feeling in your heart or tightness in your solar plexus.
You can even ask the feeling:
How old are you, sweetheart?
Shana James (15:58)
Mm.
Risa Gaull (16:00)
Just see what number intuitively pops into your mind. It doesn’t have to make sense, and it’s usually pretty young.
Then ask:
What are you feeling?
If you can sense that inner child, listen to what she or he is experiencing. Mirror it back and validate it:
I see that you’re feeling scared.
I see that you’re feeling hurt.
This is inner child work. The goal is to let that younger part feel seen and heard.
Then ask:
What do you need?
Often what that part needs most is simply to be heard.
You can reassure that younger part:
I’m here. I hear you. I see you. I’ve got you.
Shana James (17:01)
Hmm.
Risa Gaull (17:07)
Inner child work can go very deep, but the basics are simple:
Notice what you feel.
Notice where you feel it in your body.
You can even place your hands on that area and send it love — holding compassionate presence for yourself.
This is a skill we practice: learning to hold loving presence for our own emotions and allowing all feelings to be welcome.
Often those uncomfortable feelings trace back to the younger wounded parts of ourselves.
Shana James (17:40)
Yeah.
I love the doorway of curiosity and compassion. I often call it compassionate curiosity.
People frequently ask questions like, Why is this happening? or Why am I like this? But it’s almost like they put a period at the end of the question. They don’t slow down enough to genuinely explore it.
When we bring that tone of compassion and curiosity, it feels so precious.
And I love that you used the word sweetheart. I have a teacher who uses that too — gently speaking to ourselves like, “Hello sweetheart.”
Whatever gender we are, there’s a part of us that just wants someone to hold us and lovingly ask, What’s going on?
Risa Gaull (18:38)
Yes.
And it doesn’t have to be the word “sweetheart.” That’s just what I use. You can use your name or any term of endearment that feels good to you.
Some people don’t like that word, and that’s totally fine — just use whatever feels natural and kind for you.
Shana James (18:53)
Exactly. If “sweetheart” doesn’t work for you, just change the word.
That’s beautiful.
So after you take clients through this process, what tends to happen next?
Risa Gaull (19:26)
We use this practice anytime difficult emotions arise or when we’re triggered by something someone else does.
Sometimes you can’t do it right in the moment, but later, when you have a quiet moment to yourself, you can come back to it.
We often say triggers are treasures — they’re golden opportunities for learning and growth in relationships.
Shana James (20:00)
I had a big one of those this weekend, actually with my kid — not with my romantic partner. In the middle of it, it can feel so dark and painful. But then today I feel like I’m popping out the other side and realizing how much learning and growth can come from those moments.
Risa Gaull (20:20)
Yes. We really have to take responsibility for ourselves.
Sometimes I don’t love that word because it can have negative connotations. But if you look at what it actually means — the ability to respond — it’s about being in our power rather than feeling like a victim.
It’s easy to blame someone else and say, “If you weren’t doing that, I wouldn’t feel this way.” But usually there’s a part of us getting triggered — often a younger part.
When someone’s behavior creates a strong emotional reaction in me, that’s my cue. This is the school of relationships.
Shana James (21:16)
The school of relationships. I really wish someone had framed it that way when I was younger. I think it would have made some of these experiences easier to bear — to know they had a purpose.
Risa Gaull (21:19)
Right.
Ideally, you’re with someone who has also done some of their own inner work so you can relate in a more conscious way, instead of constantly triggering each other.
But one of the main problems I see in relationships is that we’re all pointing fingers, wanting the other person to change.
I learned this very deeply in my own marriage. My former husband struggled with alcoholism and depression, and I realized something very important: I cannot afford to make my well-being dependent on you — on your behavior or your choices.
In a conscious relationship, each of us has to take responsibility for our own emotions. Then hopefully we can come together and communicate lovingly about what’s happening.
Shana James (22:11)
Right.
We can’t afford to make our well-being dependent on another person because we never know what we’re going to get. We don’t know how someone else is going to show up, and that leaves us powerless — not actually centered in ourselves.
Risa Gaull (22:49)
Exactly.
And that’s also where boundary setting comes in. Speaking up and saying something like, “I see that you’re angry right now, but the way you’re speaking to me isn’t okay.”
People tend to treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
I’ll share an example from my marriage. One night my husband was cooking dinner — he usually did most of the cooking — and he started speaking to me in a very condescending way.
In the past, I wouldn’t have said anything. I would have just shrunk, gotten hurt, and left the room. Later, if it bothered me enough, I might eventually come back and address it. But I was so afraid to speak up.
At that point I had been doing coaching and inner work. So when he spoke to me that way, I looked at him and said:
“I don’t know who you think you’re talking to right now, but that’s not how you speak to me.”
He was shocked — like, Who is this person?
Shana James (24:17)
Where did that come from, especially since you hadn’t been able to do that before?
Risa Gaull (24:20)
It came from the work I had been doing.
I had learned how to comfort the younger part of me that was afraid to speak up. I had learned how to create safety for myself.
That’s really the key: becoming the source of love and safety for ourselves so we feel strong enough to speak up.
I know that’s been a challenge for me, and it’s a challenge for many people. And honestly, it can still be sometimes.
Shana James (24:50)
Yes.
I was actually talking with my kid after what happened this weekend, and we were discussing how some people explode and some people implode.
Some people go quiet and shut down, like you described. Others lash out, get loud, or become condescending.
Just knowing that about ourselves — or recognizing that we might do both — can be incredibly helpful.
And if we’re willing to take responsibility, instead of saying, “That’s just who I am,” then we can actually create something beautiful with another person.
Risa Gaull (25:23)
Yes.
And something beautiful can happen when you’re able to stay in that aligned, loving place. You can hold a loving space for someone else even when they’re misbehaving.
You can recognize that if someone is acting harshly, they may simply be out of alignment. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.
First we learn to hold that compassionate space for ourselves. Then we can interact with others in the most loving and constructive way possible.
That doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means asking: What’s the most loving, constructive, assertive communication I can bring right now?
Shana James (25:54)
Right.
We can have a kind of power that is gentle, loving, and strong.
When you said, “You can’t talk to me like that,” it didn’t have to turn into a shouting match or some big display of dominance. It can simply be clear and grounded.
Risa Gaull (26:12)
Exactly.
In that moment I was a little forceful, and it was effective. But ideally I want to stay calm and centered.
I don’t want to be pulled out of my center by someone else’s behavior. I want to hold my loving energy, because that’s really when we’re in alignment — when we feel loving and we’re able to bring that energy into the interaction.
Shana James (27:09)
Yes. And sometimes when we’re learning to honor ourselves, it can come out a little rough at first.
But I didn’t hear you saying anything insulting. You simply said, “You can’t talk to me like that.”
Risa Gaull (27:26)
Right. I was a little sharp, but it was called for in that moment.
And when you’re first learning to speak up, it may come out harsher than you intend.
Shana James (27:32)
Yes — and we can always apologize later if needed.
It’s better to get your voice moving and learn how to speak up than to stay silent forever. Eventually we find the middle ground.
Risa Gaull (27:52)
Exactly.
We’re talking about ideals here, but the truth is we’re always learning and growing.
Ultimately it comes back to asking: What is the kindest, most gentle way I can be in relationship with myself?
When I’m doing that, it naturally becomes easier to treat others that way too.
Shana James (28:15)
I love that.
When we honor ourselves first, there’s less need to make someone else wrong.
I see this in dating all the time. Just because two people have different desires or values doesn’t mean anyone is wrong. Sometimes it simply means you’re not a match.
I also talk about assuming the best and getting curious. Instead of assuming someone is trying to hurt you, you might ask: What might be happening for that person right now?
Of course, if something is abusive, you remove yourself. But in everyday interactions, it can be powerful to hold space for grace with another person.
Risa Gaull (29:19)
I like that — space for grace.
Another thing is recognizing that people have a right to be who they are. We get into trouble when we need someone to be different in order for us to feel okay.
That’s a problem.
Shana James (29:52)
That’s definitely a problem.
Risa Gaull (29:54)
Because we don’t have control over how someone else shows up.
And it’s not their job to take care of my emotions.
I’ve also had to learn that it’s not my job to take care of someone else’s emotions either. I can show up as the most loving version of myself, but I’m not responsible for how someone else feels.
Shana James (30:12)
That’s a hard one for me too. It’s almost felt like pulling Velcro apart inside me — realizing, Okay, I don’t have to take that on. That’s their feeling. I can stay with myself. That one hasn’t been easy for me.
Risa Gaull (30:29)
Yes, I hear that. That’s one of my patterns too — caretaking and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
I had to learn that during my marriage as well. I had to really ask myself: What is actually my responsibility, and what isn’t?
Ultimately, I’m responsible for myself and for choosing how I want to show up — ideally in the most loving way I can.
But if you’re an adult, it’s not my job to take care of how you feel. I’m not responsible for your emotions.
Shana James (31:07)
We could talk about this for days, and I would love to. But for now, is there anything else you’d like to share before you tell people how to find you?
Risa Gaull (31:17)
Yes.
My tagline is “You are the love you seek.” We touched on that earlier — that you have to be the one in order to attract the one.
When I was struggling with self-love, a coach said something to me that really shifted things. She asked, “You love other people, right?”
And I said, “Yes.”
She said, “Then you have the experience of loving others. That means you are a source of love. So why can’t you give some of that love to yourself?”
It seemed simple, almost obvious — but something clicked. I realized, Oh, I am a source of love. I can give that to myself.
And even more deeply, I believe that at our essence, we are love.
Whether you call it God, the universe, or a higher power — I believe the essence of the universe is love. And at our spiritual core, that’s what we are too.
But we often make the mistake of trying to get that love from outside of ourselves, when it’s actually within us and in our connection with source.
I often say: Your partner is not your source. Source is your source.
Everyone has their own spiritual path, but that’s the way I see it.
Shana James (32:53)
Source, spirit — whatever word someone uses.
That’s a beautiful statement, and also a little provocative: your partner is not your source.
Risa Gaull (33:06)
Right. They’re human.
Shana James (33:11)
Exactly. And that doesn’t mean we’re meant to be islands.
There’s a beautiful interdependence that can happen in relationships. My partner definitely helps remind me of who I am and helps me love myself more deeply.
But if I’m constantly trying to get my sense of worth or love from outside of me, it becomes a recipe for a lot of pain.
Risa Gaull (33:37)
Yes, exactly.
It’s not about being a perfectly self-loving person before you enter a relationship. Healing also happens within relationships.
Partners can mirror back to us that we are lovable.
Shana James (33:45)
Right.
That’s actually part of why I named this podcast Practicing Love — because love is a practice. We’re continually practicing it.
Risa Gaull (34:00)
Yes. We need relational experiences that help rewrite old wounds.
But we don’t want to become dependent on that. There’s a difference between healthy needs and dependence.
Shana James (34:09)
Yes, that’s a great distinction.
Risa Gaull (34:17)
Exactly.
Healthy relationships involve interdependence. There will be times when one person needs more emotional support and other times when the roles reverse.
But ideally, we’re mostly resourced from within. We’re not depending on our partner to create our alignment.
Shana James (34:42)
Beautiful. Thank you.
And where can people find more of you? I think you mentioned you have a free gift.
Risa Gaull (34:48)
Yes.
For women who are single and wanting to attract a life partner, I have a free e-guide called Soulmate Ready: Three Secrets to Get the Love You Want.
You can click below to download the free guide on becoming soulmate-ready.
And you can find me at www.RisaGaull.com.
Shana James (35:11)
Fantastic.
Thank you so much for being here — for your gentle and loving presence. I feel both your strength and your kindness, and I appreciate the way you guide people back to loving themselves first.
Risa Gaull (35:28)
Thank you so much, Shana.
Shana James (35:29)
Thank you.
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/burble
License code: FTDWN40V3UIZ5PJL
Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed
Subscribe: RSS