Relationships

Buddhist Wisdom to Help a Relationship Last – Susan Piver

February 24, 2022 by Shana James Leave a Comment

The 4 Noble Truths of Buddhist wisdom have not previously been applied to romantic relationships in such a clear and specific way. Susan Piver’s book brings us incredible hope for decreasing suffering in long-term relationships!

Show notes

If you’re not in a relationship you likely want to be in one, which can be painful.

But once we’re in a relationship, we find they’re not easy, simple, or the answer to many of our desires and fantasies.

In or out of relationship, people suffer a lot because of them. I recently read a book about relationships that blew me away. It’s the manual I’ve been searching for — a simple, yet profound, book on how to navigate the struggles most couples face, in a more spacious and loving way.

Susan Piver, a Buddhist teacher and best selling author, who has been with her partner for 20 years, applied The 4 Noble Truths of Buddhist wisdom to romantic relationships and came up with The 4 Noble Truths of Love.

When there’s a conflict about money, time, affection, parenting, sex, etc., you can get caught in stories and theories or you can learn to engage with your partner with more mindfulness.

Relationships are unstable, Susan says. When we deny this (which I’ve seen many people, including myself, do) we experience more pain and struggle. Her wise-mind viewpoint offers a powerful framework for long-term relationships that, in my opinion, are more likely to last.

In this conversation we covered…

How The 4 Noble Truths of Love (based on The 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism) can create more intimacy in your relationship
How to see through the stories you have about your partner that keep you unsatisfied
The difference between a love affair and a relationship — and what happens when we get the two confused
The idea that there’s no wrong relationship, but there is more pain and struggle when partners have different desires and expectations
Meditation and mindfulness as a path to decrease lashing out, blaming or isolating from your partner

Links:

Connect with Susan Piver

SusanPiver.com

Connect with Shana James

Website: shanajamescoaching.com/3ways

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Susan Piver is the New York Times bestselling author of eight books, including the award-winning How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart and Start Here Now: An Open-Hearted Guide to the Path and Practice of Meditation. Her latest book is The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships. Susan has been a student of Buddhism since 1993, graduated from a Buddhist seminary in 2004 and was authorized to teach meditation in the Shambhala Buddhist lineage in 2005.

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Better Sex, Better Relationship with Shana James

November 9, 2021 by Shana James Leave a Comment

A fascinating deep dive into sex and relationship. Some of the topics include…

What do the tears of men reveal about the conflict between men and women? What happens when someone gives you 100% permission to feel everything you feel? How do authenticity and vulnerability in men improve their romantic relationships?

How can men create more of a spark in their romantic relationship?

How does passion enter into men’s careers, dreams and ultimately, satisfaction with life?

Buddhist Wisdom to Help a Relationship Last – Susan Piver

September 18, 2018 by Shana James Leave a Comment

The 4 Noble Truths of Buddhist wisdom have not previously been applied to romantic relationships in such a clear and specific way. Susan Piver’s new book brings us incredible hope for decreasing suffering in long-term relationships!

Show notes

If you’re not in a relationship you likely want to be in one, which can be painful.

But once we’re in a relationship, we find they’re not easy, simple, or the answer to many of our desires and fantasies.

In or out of relationship, people suffer a lot because of them.

I recently read a book about relationships that blew me away. It’s the manual I’ve been searching for — a simple, yet profound, book on how to navigate the struggles most couples face, in a more spacious and loving way.

When there’s a conflict about money, time, affection, parenting, sex, etc., you can get caught in stories and theories or you can learn to engage with your partner with more mindfulness.

In this conversation we covered…

How The 4 Noble Truths of Love (based on The 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism) can create more intimacy in your relationship
How to see through the stories you have about your partner that keep you unsatisfied
The difference between a love affair and a relationship — and what happens when we get the two confused
The idea that there’s no wrong relationship, but there is more pain and struggle when partners have different desires and expectations
Meditation and mindfulness as a path to decrease lashing out, blaming or isolating from your partner

Links:

Susan Piver

Virtual Meditation Community

Shana‘s New Guide for you: 3 Ways Men Lose Influence at Work and With Women

Bio:

Susan has been a student of Buddhism since 1993, graduated from a Buddhist seminary in 2004 and was authorized to teach meditation in the Shambhala Buddhist lineage in 2005.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

The ‘Brutal’ Male Libido: A Symptom of Isolation and an Absence of Support for Healthy Emotional and Sexual Expression

January 30, 2018 by Shana James Leave a Comment

The male libido, or male sexuality, has no doubt been used brutally. It has also been used lovingly.

While I appreciate Stephen Marche’s framing of “the Unexamined Brutality of the Male Libido” for the way it highlights the disrespect and abuse we are now culturally ready to look at, reading the NY Times article also made me cringe. I fear the stand the author takes could push men into more fear, shame, and isolation—what I see as the root causes of harassment and abuse.

Having coached nearly a thousand men over the past 15 years, I believe much of the current day “brutality” comes not from the libido being essentially brutal, but from the isolation, lack of education and absence of support for healthy emotional and sexual expression.

The world becomes more dangerous when we look at the libido as separate from affection and emotional intimacy, especially with men. The men I’ve worked with tend to see few if any avenues available for receiving the affection, care, and love they want and need.

We could argue men should find other ways to get these needs met. But in a culture where even the act of two men holding hands is often ridiculed, how does this happen? Who will hold a man when he finds himself in an experience that evokes vulnerable memories? Who will lovingly stroke his hair to comfort him as he expresses his fear, insecurity or the challenges he is up against?

Some spouses share this kind of affection but it’s not a given. It also becomes even more confusing when vulnerability or rejection happens in a man’s dynamic with his spouse.

Women have more culturally accepted “touchy-feely,” emotional interactions. My girlfriends will snuggle with me or play with my hair and comfort me. Many of the men I work with admit to feeling starved, not only for sex but for affectionate touch and caring.

These men are single AND married. Both situations can become a bind where a man doesn’t see the possibility of having deeper, caring connections.

Add to this recipe that many men were teased as boys—and some men are still teased—and chided or shunned for their sexual desires. Now we have a recipe for disaster.

Sexuality is such an innate part of one’s humanity that when rejected for it men go about getting their needs and desires met without connection (porn is the most common avenue) or abusively, or they shut down their sexuality, which eventually and inevitably ends up surfacing as an unconscious and likely abusive act.

When we stop separating a person’s libido from their emotional life, we see that boys being taught to suck it up and hide their feelings actually impacts how they treat women. When they are taught that their vulnerability is weak they hide and hold it back.

For sex to be intimate, and for a partner to feel connected with rather than objectified, a man has to be able to feel his emotions and vulnerability. Otherwise, women become objects to him.

Is the cycle becoming more apparent?

We are in the midst of cultural evolution. Women are being heard. I feel thrilled about this. Reese Witherspoon and other women are right. Time’s Up! But we can’t move forward without supporting men, too—both men who have done harm and men who would never abuse or harass women.

If we don’t teach men to connect with women in ways that are trustworthy and honest, especially about sex . . . if we don’t create a culture where it is safe for men to express their vulnerability without being rejected or seen as weak…then we will be left in this painful state where sex is used as a power-play.

This is actually powerlessness masquerading as power. A dynamic that causes pain for all—men, women, people of all genders—now and in the generations to come.

He said I could share this with you…

June 30, 2017 by Shana James Leave a Comment

One of my clients recently completed six months of coaching. When he first called me he’d had a recent break up. He was figuring out how to work and manage his life in the midst of this pain.

Three months into our coaching we revisited his goals because he was moving ahead at record speed. He was stronger, clearer and more powerful than ever, not only with women but also in his career and sense of purpose in life.

We created a list of what he accomplished over out time working together. It was much more than relationship or even career status. He stepped into being a free and confident man!

He said I could share this list with you and hopes it inspires you:

I stand up for myself, I have courage to stick to my beliefs and values — even with my mother who’s been an authority figure my entire life.
Fear no longer keeps me from what I want. I face, acknowledge and am ok with my fears.
I take the learning from self criticism to improve and put the part that is self-destructive in the “trunk” where it doesn’t negatively impact me.
My emotions are no longer in charge. I am in charge. I have a tremendous amount of power through my emotions that is now being optimized to my advantage.
I trust my gut.
I now admit that I’m vulnerable, sensitive, and scared and know I am stronger and more courageous as I do so.
I am aligned with myself. I like myself. I like my life. I cultivate friendships with honest people I trust.
I am human. My stories and past made me the man I am today. I embrace them and am proud of them — no longer ashamed.
No one gets put on a pedestal but me. My needs and wants are just important as others; and most important to me.
I do and go after what I want. I trust my good intentions for myself and others.
I am now comfortable with having a big impact on people and being powerful.
I have the ability to choose being out of the box, not following others’ rules
I set clear boundaries and have a clear conscience about my decisions
I am abundant. I have options. There’s no need to try to make something or someone fit into my life that actually doesn’t. I take my time and allow things to fall into place. When one thing doesn’t work out something else does.
I want, but don’t need, attention. Any one woman is not the only one.

This list moved me to tears.

Sometimes it’s pain that pushes us to grow.

All of this is possible for you too. And you deserve it.

With love,

P.S. Keep an eye out for my new podcast: Man Alive. I’ve already recorded some powerful conversations and I am thrilled to launch it in a few weeks!

This Year: Share Your WHY + Have More Sex

January 14, 2017 by Shana James Leave a Comment

Happy New Year!

I’ve heard some people say: “Let’s start the year off right!”

This can work if what’s “right” is what’s most fulfilling, inspiring and exciting for you.

“Right,” based on other people’s ideas or expectations is a straight path to an unsatisfying, or even hellish life.

Let’s start the year by looking at what’s right for YOU:

What do you want most this year?

And WHY does it matter to you?

When you want someone else to participate in your goals and visions (which is often the case), your WHY is often what inspires them to join you.

For example…

As a woman, hearing a man say, “I want to have more sex!” is very different than hearing “I want to have more sex, with you, because I feel closer and more connected to you when we do.” OR “…because I realize the times we have more sex are when I’ve been most aware of how precious you are to me.”

When a woman knows why you want something, it gives her a window into your heart. This helps her heart and body open to you.

It’s the same with strangers as with women you’ve been in relationship with for a long time.

Imagine saying to a woman you just met, “I want to take you on a date because these five minutes of conversation have been the best part of my day.” Rather than simply saying “I want to take you on a date!”

With the first statement, I felt myself blush (even as I wrote it)!

Try sharing your WHY and let me know how it goes.

Also, I added two new short audios to my FB page.

The first is about why it doesn’t work to go it alone. The second is about you having more sex and a key to more amazing sex.

Check them out and comment to let me know what you think.

Is some part of you dying inside? NEW recording.

December 23, 2016 by Shana James Leave a Comment

Many men tell me that living without the love or sex they want feels like dying inside.

Even men who seem to be happy or have it all together, can suffer with this pain inside.

It can range from a light frustration or sense of life being mediocre, to a heavy sadness, heart-break and even hopelessness.

I realized there’s something men overlook when they’re struggling to feel fulfilled and alive!

I made a recording about it for you. You can find it here, on my FB page.

Let me know what you think after you listen.

I hope it’s helpful for you!

With love,

Shana

THE KEY to DO LESS & INSPIRE GREAT WOMEN’S DESIRE

December 23, 2016 by Shana James Leave a Comment

When my client Rich came to me, he was the friend and confidant to many women. But women weren’t choosing him for sex or relationship.

People always asked: “How are you still single? You’re such a great guy!”

Then Things Changed!

A few months into our coaching Rich met a woman who rocked his world. After their first date, where she was totally HOT for him, he marveled: “It was so easy and fun. I’m not DOING the exhausting things I used to do — TRYing to get it right!”

Rich had stopped trying to impress women, prove his strength or pretend to have it all together. He’d stopped over-giving and trying to make them comfortable. And women who desired him starting coming out of the woodwork!

So what made this date go so well and women desire him?

In our coaching we discovered what made Rich uniquely and AUTHENTICALLY MAGNETIC to women. We also woke up his SEXUAL POWER — the part of him that feels GREAT about wanting sex, expressing his desires and initiating sensual connection.

When you are Authentically Magnetic you get to stop trying with women. You get to stop thinking there’s something you need to prove. Women begin to trust and feel drawn to you based on cues your body, mind and heart naturally communicate…whether you’re speaking or you simply walk into a room.

Waking up your Sexual Power is what allows you to have fun and be more bold and edgy. You can confidently spice things up, rather than shut down or hold back your desire.

Rich’s date fell for him and they’re getting married next year!

It became easy for him. No effort or struggle. He suddenly had more amazing women in his life than he could date. Women started showing interest and flirting with him, from across the room and across the street.

What’s possible for you?

The combination of your Authentic Magnetism and Sexual Power is irresistible to women. You can DO LESS while the women you want are drawn to you.

No more settling for a mediocre or non-existent sex life, awkward transitions from conversation to sex, or holding back asking for what you really want.

It’s time for you to have steamy nights and playful days — the love and affection you deserve.

These programs bring together the most effective tools and teachings to support you to:

Go From Being the “Nice Guy” to the Highly Desired Man — Powerful, Relaxed and Confident in Talking, Flirting and Sex

Make an Irresistible, Authentic First Impression that Inspires Women to Want More of You

Tap Into and Turn Up Your Sexual Mojo so You Can Create Attraction and Desire Anytime You Choose to

Have the Mind-Blowing Sex You Want — Hot, Connected, Playful, Healing — Beyond What Most Men Imagine Possible

Ask For What You Really Want With Women in a Way That Gets You the Love, Affection and Passion You Crave

Have Greater Influence, Respect and Admiration in Your Career and Community

It’s about time you have the dates, love and sex you want. And it’s about time it get easier for you!

With love,
Shana

Relationships

Show notes

Links:

Bio:

Show notes

Links:

Bio:

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