Shana James Coaching

Don't Settle For Less

Relationships

The key to your Succsex ;)

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One of my clients just shared that his breakthroughs in his professional life are translating into his relationship life.

He’s become more confident about what really matters to him. He sees clearly what he’s going to create in the world. And as a result of feeling more fulfilled and inspired, he’s less afraid of rejection from women. 

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The more inspiring a life you create, the less the thought of being rejected holds so much weight.

Hearing a “No” hurts less when a woman saying “Yes” is not the only thing that brings you joy.

The more you enjoy how you spend your days, the more you can see that a woman’s “No” doesn’t mean you’re wrong or bad.

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When you love your life, not only do you feel better, but you move through the world with an air of excitement that’s naturally attractive. Women want some of that!

So, how is your life these days? 

Is it time for an upgrade? What would bring you more fulfillment and inspiration?

You don’t need to plan the whole journey. All you need to do is take the first step.

Here’s to your SUCCSEX!

Do This and She Will Love It!

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An amazing woman I’ve admired for a long time teaches women to orient their lives around their own pleasure, sensuality and joy.

She just wrote a book that is a Reclamation for Women. I’ll share about it below. But first:

What does women reclaiming their pleasure have to do with you?

When women take responsibility for CREATING a life of pleasure, rather than trying to GET IT from men or a relationship, they become much more fun, radiant and inspiring to be around.

I guarantee these are the women you think, “God, she’s gorgeous” Or “There’s something about her…” Or “I want a woman like this in my life!”

Women who reclaim their pleasure bring their lively, turned-on, appreciative, lovely selves to you! 

For Men:

So what is it for men? What can you bring to women (rather than trying to get from them) that creates a major shift in how much spark and pleasure you can have together?

What is it you can reclaim that has women more drawn and attracted to you — open their hearts and bodies with you?

It’s your POWER!

When you orient your life around your power, when you reclaim your desires, truth, clarity, self-respect and self-love you…

  • Stop holding back and Start standing taller
  • Stop apologizing for yourself and Start knowing what’s truly amazing about you
  • Stop questioning your decisions and Start discovering the part of you that can rest inside questions
  • Stop frantically trying to figure out what to say next and Start being guided by what the moment asks for
  • Stop chatting to fill awkward silences and Start listening deeper
  • Stop trying to prevent pain and Start stepping up to hold others when pain happens
  • Stop trying to get women to be happy and Start seeing their raw hearted, wild expression as beautiful
  • Stop seeing women as a way to get your needs met and Start creating only what is good for both of you

When you reclaim your authentic power not only do women want more of you, you become more excited about yourself and your life!

With or without a woman, life becomes more vital and interesting!

Reclaim Your Power

The first step to reclaim your power is to look at anywhere you feel stuck, confused, depressed or uninspired…

Get honest with yourself about what’s causing this. It may be an old belief, an expectation you’ve held yourself to, or thinking you don’t have a choice. You may be thinking someone else is responsible for your happiness or prioritizing someone else’s happiness over your own.

The more honest you are with yourself the better. From there you have the freedom to shift your choices and actions, to live in a way that inspires you.

If you’re not living as powerfully as you want to, there’s no time better than now! I believe in you.

Personal Share: I’m Afraid…

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I recently heard the question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid? 

It started a new exploration for me. Because while I don’t think it’s possible to get over or be done with fear, I am inspired to consider what I would do if the fear wasn’t there. 

This morning as I journaled something fascinating happened. With the question “what would you do if you weren’t afraid?” rolling around inside me, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with fear!

At first I wanted to push it aside, to consider what I’d do if I was NOT afraid. But I decided to change course. Rather than avoid the fear or pretend it didn’t exist I went toward it. I faced the fear I didn’t want to see, or even admit to feeling.

Many fears, that undoubtedly affect my love life, were just beneath the surface. Part of me is afraid to share them with you. What will you think? Will you still trust me?

As a firm believer in guiding by example I’m going to anyway. We ALL have them and I know sharing my vulnerability makes it safer for you to do the same. (Notice what you do think of me as you read my fears — whether you trust me more or less, whether you feel closer or more distant from me.)

Now that I see these fears so clearly I trust myself more. And I have access to something new and surprising. I’ll share that too, but first the fears:

I Am Afraid:

I am afraid of attempting to join my life with another’s again.

I am afraid of turn-on fading, of unmet desires, of irritation and daily grind.

I am afraid of trusting another’s heart.

I am afraid that life will wear away at the thin, seemingly shiny coating two people start a relationship with, without which reality sets in again, reminding us that we are actually alone, will always lose another (whether to leaving or death), and that togetherness can induce more hurt and heartache than being alone.

I’m afraid that I am better from a distance and that if I don’t satisfy the physical, emotional and intellectual needs of another I’ll be left.

I’m afraid of being bored by another.

I’m afraid my desire for sex will be stronger than another’s and I’ll have to navigate disappointment when I want more.

I’m afraid I’ll start to sag and roll and my body’s age won’t cause the same arousal it once did.

I’m afraid I will want more care than will be offered, that when I start to feel more wants and needs I’ll run for the hills.

I’m afraid to lose myself, to not speak my mind, to have those small moments of turning away from myself that eventually lead to a complete loss.

I’m afraid it will be an effort to navigate emotional terrain, that I wont’ be able to separate from the others’ upset and I’ll be bogged down with it as though it was my own.

I’m afraid of being seen every morning without eyeliner and concealer, afraid that the tasks of shaving my legs regularly enough to stay smooth for a live-in partner will feel tedious and annoying.

I’m afraid of being annoyed at someone else’s physical mess – clothes, papers and stuff.

I’m afraid I could never live up to someone else’s dreams.

I’m afraid I won’t generate my own joy and will come to resent the other person for dragging me down.

The New and Surprising

Alright, now you’ve seen them. The parts I really don’t want you to see. At this point I don’t know whether you think differently of me. But if you (or I) spend your life hiding these parts, you never get to relax into being loved for who you really are. You’ll always be suspicious that someone will stop loving you when s/he finds out what you’re “really like inside.”

As I’ve dated and had relationships since my divorce I’ve been more tentative about it all. Relationships aren’t easy, especially as I’ve attempted to find the causes of relationship breakdown and understand what love actually is.

As I let my fears flow this morning I felt more energized, even giddy. I was surprised that what showed up next were my desires.

I found my commitment to a relationship without blame, shame or attack. I remembered that I have emotional and spiritual practices, mentors and communities to lean into. I realized that even though sharing my desires can feel like my life is on the line, it is also exciting and interesting.

I realized that I love time by myself and no longer need someone else to make my life good. I saw my longing for deep connection and affirmed even though my heart won’t always stay open, I know how to return to an open heart. In short, as my desires appeared I also had more trust in myself to create them.

To Fear or Not to Fear

Today, consider inviting your fears to the table. Write them down or speak them into a recorder. Keep going until you feel lighter or freer, until something else shows up on the other side.

Today, instead of trying to get over your fear, let it guide you.

Let us know what you find!

With love,
Shana

Ever feel lonely or like you’re dying inside?

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Over the years I’ve met many men who seem to have it together on the surface. But when I really get to know them I find out they’re lonely, or feel like they’re dying inside.

These days it’s become apparent to me that adult life is full of responsibility, which can include stress, struggle and chaos. But our culture doesn’t make it easy for you, to show your pain. Or for that matter to show fear, sadness, loss or anxiety…with anyone, let alone women!

Women say they want a man who will be genuine and let them in. But then I hear men say “When I let her in on what was really going on she pulled away, got upset or even acted disgusted with me.”

So how can you relate in a genuine way that allows you to be connected and supported?

Pretending everything is peachy or faking an “I’ve got it all together” attitude doesn’t create connection or get you the support and care you need. But sharing your darkness with a willing listener isn’t a guarantee of support or compassion either.

Sharing pain and struggle in a balanced way — a way that creates connection AND gets you the care you need — is an art-form. Here are a few things that will help as you share what’s vulnerable for you:

  • Remember You’re Amazing: There is more to you than whatever you’re feeling right now. There’s no need to make yourself wrong, prove you’re good or apologize for what you’re feeling. Adding self-criticism to your feelings can have others feel pressured, like you NEED them to fix you. When you can remember you’re a good person, while you share vulnerability, there’s less drama and people are less likely to pull away.
  • Communicate and Set Context For Your Needs: You can step into a level of emotional mastery where you have your feelings, know your needs and navigate connection, all at the same time! If you’re new to this, cut yourself some slack and make note that this is possible. Start with: 1. What am I feeling? 2. What do I need/want? 3. How do I want to communicate this? Whether you need a hug, someone to listen while you vent, or even time apart…the clearer you are about what you need, the better someone will be able to support you. If you don’t know what you need a great starting place is to ask for help figuring that out together.
  • Check Availability: The time when you’re struggling may coincide with a time when someone else is struggling too. If you don’t check to see, a dynamic can happen where you feel dropped or rejected because the other person really doesn’t have the bandwidth. While it would be ideal if someone was available exactly when you need it, you can save yourself a lot of heartache by finding out s/he’s not!
  • Have a Network: Bringing your upset to the same person, every time, can drain a connection or relationship. When you have a couple people — friends or professionals — to spread out the load, you lessen the risk of burning someone out.

All this said, I’m guilty of not following my own advice. I’ve often criticized myself, been unclear about what I wanted or forgotten to check on someone’s availability. So please have compassion for yourself and hold these as ways to get more of what you want and need, rather than something else to beat yourself up for.

My desire for you is that you are cared for and supported with your struggles and pain, rather than holding them alone. I am clear that you don’t have to live with feelings of aloneness or that sense that you’re dying inside. If you need support, I’m here.

With love,

Shana

A Surprising Key to CONFIDENCE

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Last weekend I facilitated a workshop in which participants were encouraged to reveal parts of themselves they usually hide. They vulnerably shared their anger, grief, fear, self-consciousness, attraction…

Why?

Because I’ve found that the when you stop hiding the parts of yourself you think make you unlovable, and the parts you think will push others away, you actually feel less inhibited, awkward or nervous.

Even though you may imagine otherwise, sharing those parts allows you to become stronger and freer, more at ease in your connections and relationships.

You Are Not Alone

There is a relaxation that happens inside as you realize that at some point EVERYONE feels unworthy, scared and ashamed. A deeper confidence takes root as you recognize you don’t have to be perfect, or prove that you’re good enough.

I sat with one man as he expressed rage for the first time. It shocked him that when he was done, I looked into his eyes and said “I’m not scared of you.” As we both accepted his rage, it transformed into power and creative energy. Ten minutes before he’d been waiting for others to give him permission to have what he wanted. Suddenly he had access to his clarity and power. He asked for what he wanted without waiting!

Another man had a moment of vulnerability where he felt alone and less than the people around him. As I slowed him down and helped him move his attention from his thoughts to his emotions, and from his inner dialogue to our connection, his fear and self-judgment lessened. His mind stopped making up comparisons where he came up short. He started to feel nourished by being connected instead of hungry and afraid.

In another moment I supported a man to allow his turn-on, to feel the fullness of his desire, rather than shut it down. He said it released shame he’d been holding for decades and then realized how amazing it would feel to have more intimacy in his relationships.     

Confidence Isn’t What It Seems to Be

These are three moments of hundreds that happened over the weekend. I share them so you know that you too,  Test First Name, can find strength and confidence in unlikely experiences.

The thing about confidence is that it’s not about finally reaching a point where you feel great about ALL of yourself. True confidence is having compassion for yourself and the ability to recognize that you are ok, just as you are…that you can create connection from exactly where you are.

Sure you can still choose to grow, deepen, expand or change, but from a place of relaxing into your unique challenges, rather than fighting them. I promise it’s a lot more enjoyable that way!

With love,

Shocking Insights About Great Men + My Terrifying Mission

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I was at a training with inspiring men last week – leaders, coaches, psychologists, entrepreneurs…

Throughout the week we got honest and vulnerable with each other. We shared what we’d rather others not see.

It was freeing and relieving, but some of what these men shared shocked and saddened me:

One man admitted he doesn’t ask for emotional support, even though he wants it.

Another man said he feels pain that he rarely shares with anyone.

Still another man told me that years ago he had considered taking his own life.

And another man shared that although he wants a relationship and connection with women, he ALWAYS goes numb after two dates.

Tears streamed down my face listening to these men. I thought of you.

Because I don’t want you to feel alone, unsupported or stuck.

I don’t want you to hold your pain alone. You don’t have to.

I don’t want you to see it as weak to feel your emotions. It’s definitely not.

The Terrifying Mission

There came a moment in the workshop when the question was posed: “What are you committed to?”

The background of the question was that setting goals is a starting point. After that it takes COMMITMENT — courageous, steadfast commitment — to accomplish our goals.

We were told that creating bigger commitments than we know we are capable of, commitments that may actually seem impossible, call us into more extraordinary results, more success and fulfillment.

As I considered what I was committed to, I had no idea. My mind was blank. It stayed that way for a few minutes.

Then, from the quiet deep inside, I heard the words:

“I am committed to decreasing the rate of men’s suicide.”

For an hour after that I was in tears. It’s SO big, I thought!

How can I even quantify this commitment?

By when can this change happen? How much could it decrease? 1%? 5%? In 3, 10, 50 years?

You Don’t Have to Know How

Ultimately I allowed myself not to know how, yet.

What I know now is that the suicide rate for men is 3.5x that of women! That is unacceptable to me.

What I know is that men often feel alone, unsupported and afraid to seem weak. This can not stay this way.

What I know is that to shift this we have to take a serious look at our cultural and family systems.

Do I know HOW to do this?

No.

But I trust that a mission as big as this will call me forward, inspire collaboration and motivate me to serve in a bigger way in the world. For now that is enough.

For You 

There is a connection between having a meaningful mission and having fulfilling connections with women. The more you are inspired by your life, the richer your connections with women get.

So,  Test First Name, what are you committed to? What calls you in this precious life?

Take some time today to be quiet and simply listen. Don’t go searching or trying to figure it out. Just wait and listen.

Then take time to share your commitment with someone who respects and cares for you, someone who can hold it with you.

You don’t have to know how to make it happen. Just choose one next step. That’s enough.

You are enough!

With love,

Here’s Why Springtime Makes Sex Easier…

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It’s almost that time when women bare their shoulders and start to show skin again! 

Last year when spring had sprung I found myself with a rush of new energy…playful, creative and sexual.

And something started to make sense to me. We are ANIMALS! Our biology has a huge impact on our minds and bodies.

Spring is when the flowers blossom, animals emerge from hibernation and people tend to get, well…a bit more randy. 

Don’t make this mistake:

As a man you’ve probably spent some time wondering what turns women on and how to make that happen. Many men have come to me confused, wondering if women really even like and want sex. (I was just interviewed on this topic and I’ll share it when it comes out.)

It may seem like women don’t like sex but that is a flawed perspective.

Women often need something different than you do to be open to sex, but it doesn’t mean they don’t like it. So don’t make the mistake of thinking that this surge of sexual energy happens only for men in the springtime.

Spring turns women on too! Which means is it’s a great time to make a new connection.

Start here:

The best way to start connecting with women in the springtime is to look for signs of their turn-on. Pay attention to women. Look at them with appreciation and care. Remember that it can be REALLY vulnerable for a woman to admit she likes sex!

Remember too that women are self-conscious and doubt their own beauty and whether their hips look too wide or their chest too flat…Just because a woman seems calm on the outside does not mean she’s cool and collected on the inside.

You can make a woman’s day simply by sharing an appreciation or getting curious about her. Give it like a gift. When you do that she’ll be more likely to turn her attention toward you.

If you feel stuck or worried about asking women out or easefully moving from conversation to the bedroom, there are a couple more spots in the upcoming Mastery program. It gives you the tools to Ignite Women’s Attraction, Desire & Devotion by Mastering Your Sexual Power.

To see if you’re a fit for the program, fill out this application.

Here’s to you having a hot springtime!

A Vulnerable Share + Navigate Sex & Love Over the Holidays

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Last week I unexpectedly cried with a man I was meeting for the second time!

When he asked “How are you?” my eyes suddenly filled with tears I didn’t realize were there.

As tears rolled down my cheeks I felt the intensity of the holidays and how they’re NOT always full of joy.

I recalled that the past few years, since my marriage ended, this is the time of year when I tap into sadness about life not looking like I thought it would — I don’t have the two-parent family I envisioned, or the second kid.

It’s not always easy to feel these moments of heart-ache, but each time I allow myself to, something powerful happens.

I look around and see the incredible web of support, connection, friendship and passion. I see my amazing little boy. I see that I’m doing work I love. I see that there’s actually nothing missing and that I’ve created a life full of intimacy, love and family, even though it looks different than I thought it would.

How’s life feeling to you as we enter the holiday season?

Are you suddenly aware of desires or feelings you hadn’t noticed before?

I urge you to pay attention to your heart. Rather than overriding or ignoring these feelings, remember that every feeling of sadness or disappointment is actually a guide to a more fulfilling life and love.

If you find yourself wanting sex AND love that are deeply satisfying, I have a couple things for you:

1. I opened up my last three slots in 2015 for you to get my support to have the sex AND love you want, this time around. Apply for one here.

2. Next year will start with an incredible event, the Men‘s Sexual Satisfaction Summit. It’s a free virtual event in January where 20 top sex and dating experts will cover topics like how to:

  • Become multi-orgasmic and last longer…for more pleasure in bed

  • Have more intimacy and passion by getting honest in the bedroom

  • Navigate women’s emotions (before, during and after sex)

  • Be dominant in a way that inspires women to surrender to you

  • Ask for and get what you want in bed (from your wild fantasies to more loving connection)

This is the most exciting event I’ve ever put together. You definitely don’t want to miss it. Keep an eye out for emails and information starting in early January.

For now, be gentle with yourself this holiday season. Holidays can be challenging, even amidst all the celebration. If you want some support, get some here.

With love,

Shana

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