Shana James Coaching

Don't Settle For Less

Relationships

5 quick fixes when you don’t know what to say to a woman

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I wanted to send you a message. But I didn’t know what I wanted to say.

Then it hit me!

I often hear this from men. “I don’t know what to say to her.” Or “”what would I say to her?”

In a recent coaching session I realized my client was pressuring himself to carry the weight of the WHOLE conversation. As though the women he talks to have no part in keeping the conversation alive.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you tried to figure out the next thing to say before a woman responds to your first question?

It’s time to take the pressure off. It doesn’t have to be so hard!

 

Here are 5 powerful ways to counter the “I don’t know what to say” mentality:

1.

If no words come to you, you don’t have to hide that. Look her in the eyes and say, “I’m not sure what to say to you right now.”

Then pause and take a breath. See what she says. If she doesn’t say anything, check to see what you’re curious about or what you appreciate about her.

If you stay relaxed, rather than panicked, you’ll find your words more easily and she won’t want to run away. It can even become a playful conversation.

 

2.

Take time NOW – before you connect with new women – to think about what you like to talk about. What inspires and excites you? Note: if your answer is nothing, it’s time to find things that make being alive exciting for you!

 

3.

Have one simple question you use to start any conversation. From there you can learn to be an amazing conversationalist — to ask questions that evoke women’s emotions, truth, trust and attraction.

My favorite simple question is, “How’s your day going?” There’s something new to talk about every day!

Once she responds, follow the threads of what is most interesting or exciting to you.

 

4.

Let her carry some of the weight of the conversation. Allow her answers to guide what you say next. It’s not about figuring this all out ahead of time. It’s more like following the breadcrumbs she lays out with her communication (verbal and non-verbal).

You can also ask what she’s excited to talk about or what questions she’d love to be asked.

 

5.

Go deeper. Beyond the part of you that feels frozen or stuck there’s another part of you that is genuinely curious and relaxed. Take a breath and remember the part of you that’s often alive and well with people you trust.

 

Here’s one more thing to remember…

Key #5 in my Essentials of Attraction Most Men Never Learn is: Embracing Awkwardness Dissolves Awkwardness.

When you accept that it’s awkward to be human, life becomes easier. Even if on the surface, the woman in front of you seems to have it all together, she is a human being who feels awkward and struggles just like you.

Try this exercise this week to make it easier for you to create engaging conversations:

Think of a recent conversation where someone told you something you didn’t know.

Come up with 5 questions you could have asked.

There will be hundreds of possibilities so this isn’t about getting it right. It’s about building the muscle of making conversation.

Post conversation topics you can’t think of questions for here and I will help! Or post the questions you come up with!

With love,

Shana-signature

 

How to show women your dark(er) side without seeming unmanly

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You know those days when you’re not at the top of your game?

When things aren’t going your way, or you feel down, upset or pissed off?

Those can be the hardest days to connect with women. But they’re also the days when you could use some of that feminine juju to lighten you up.

Most of my clients come to me thinking they can’t show “negative” emotions or they’ll be seen as weak or unmanly.

But if you pretend you’re “fine” or happy, women’s spidey sense kicks in and they won’t trust you.

So what’s a man to do?!

The key is this:

You CAN show women your darker sides in a way that has them respect and even admire you. It’s HOW you share that has women want to be closer to you or eager to get away from you.

If you feel helpless and small and then dump your upset in a woman’s lap, she won’t admire you.

If you are so lost in your feelings that you can’t be present to her, she’ll want to mother you.

But if you know there is MUCH more to you than your feelings…

If you remember that feeling down doesn’t make you wrong or bad…

If you know that you’re still amazing, as you are, even if you don’t feel great today…

Then you can show your darker emotions while you remain centered, powerful and connected.

One of my clients who has stopped hiding his darker side recently said:

“I’ve got so much female attention around me all the time it’s kind of ridiculous! I’ve never experienced this before and I’ve been doing less than I’ve ever done.”

Showing your darkness can create depth and intimacy, spark and interest. And can lead to a powerful and wildly nourishing connection with a woman!

It’s not about being happy all the time. You get to be you!

With love,

Shana-signature

What I learned about women that you do NOT want to miss

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I sat in an audience this weekend watching 10 women bare their hearts and souls.

They shared stories about their first sexual experiences, birth, body shame, and even their love of touching themselves…It was the full range of feminine experience!

This performance — called the Yoniverse Monologues — was an outpouring of pain and a reclaiming of power and pleasure. (Yoni, if you don’t know, is a Sanskrit word to describe a woman’s genitals or womb.)

Women used their voices to free themselves of self-hatred and embarrassment.

They reminded all us of our innate goodness and beauty, especially where we’ve been punished, overlooked or abused. Women and men both were blown away by the vulnerable reclaiming.

The truth is that women are hurting — just like you hurt.

Every woman has a way of feeling unseen, trapped, stuck, disrespected, cut down…

Knowing this is helpful when you’re about to approach a woman you think has it all together. Because she doesn’t.

And for the times women respond in cold or bitchy ways. Because it’s more about a woman’s pain than about you.

When you remember this, it becomes less personal. You can stop pinning your worth on a look in a woman’s eye or a word from her mouth. You can even start to stay curious about her response, in a way that can lead toward more connection.

So next time you’re about to put a woman on a pedestal, remember my words: She hurts the same way you do, even if she doesn’t show it.

With love,

P.S. As I watched the women I couldn’t help think about how powerful it would be for men to share their stories. I haven’t considered how to make it happen yet, but it’s on my desire list. If you’re interested, let me know!

A sneak peak into a woman’s dating journal…what’s really going on in there!

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Many men I’ve coached forget that women feel nervous and awkward too.

Part of my mission with you, with all men, is to let you behind the curtain, to make sense of women and humanize the experiences we share. So you can stop feeling alone, or less than.

Because every woman I’ve ever met, at times, struggles to remember her own worth. And when you really get that, connecting with women is much easier.

I found a journal entry from years ago when I was struggling with dating.

As vulnerable as it feels to share, my hope is that seeing inside my mind and heart will help you see that you’re not alone. And will relax the part in you that thinks you need to be perfect or have it all together.

Here’s the journal entry:

The heartache I hate feeling. Ripping open my insides. Calling everything into question. My worth. My beauty. My attractiveness. My intelligence. My sense of humor. ALL of it. 

I remember laying on girlfriends’ couches in my 20’s, barely able to eat or talk, letting my aching heart heal. 

Am I really here again? With this ache? In my 30s?

Will he call? Will he text? Will he want me?

Are his actions signs that he doesn’t want me? Or signs of his own fear and insecurity?

Should I bail now so I don’t look like a fool? If I risk sharing my desire and he says No, can I face him and others? 

I’m on the road to insanity or to profound growth. Likely both. I know it’s time to do the practices I need to stay sane and to reach out for support. 

I feel the tender awakening of voracious hunger. The kind of hunger that may never be satiated in human form, but god knows my body and heart try. This hunger feels like a root canal for my heart but leads me deeper to truth.

Thank you Kahlil Gibran for laying out the path:

“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”

—-

So please remember that you’re not alone in your self-doubt, your awkwardness or your hungry body. And that it doesn’t make you weak, small or less than a woman.

We women share this humanity with you. 

Remind yourself of your amazingness.

Forgive yourself for your humanness.

Then you can stop looking for proof of your greatness outside yourself, in your connections with women.

The proof is within. No question. You are an incredible man!

 

***

Photo by Helga Weber

Try this to feel less awkward with women…

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Men often ask me about the first moment of interacting with or approaching a woman. They wonder how to make it easier, less awkward or even “less hellish.”

It makes sense to focus on that moment, since if it’s not going well, that’s when the pain is most obvious.

But there’s a background to that moment that’s not always apparent. When you understand it it takes the pressure off you in that moment.

Because when you’re about to interact with a woman, you bring the background of your life with you. In addition to you she interacts with your beliefs and feelings about yourself, life and women. She gets a sense of how you treat your body. And even if she can’t put words to it, she senses your relationship to your work, friends and family.

So the more you believe in yourself, the more you are rooted in your life vision and what’s important to you, the more you’ll come across as a man who women are intrigued by.

How do you stay rooted?

Here are a few practices I give my clients to help their “background” be strong and clear when they interact with women:

1. Know What’s Great About You

I have each of my clients make a list of what’s great about them. It shifts attention from how you think you’re not good enough to how great you actually are. Where you have your attention has an impact. The more you put your attention on what’s great about you the more alive and inspired you’ll be, and the more you’ll relax with women.

2. Get in Touch With the Preciousness of Life 

(And the fact that you could die at any moment)

Not to be bleak, but you honestly don’t know when your time on this planet is up. When you take on this perspective, things tend to seem less serious.

Consider how you’d interact with women if you had a year to live. How would that shift your actions? Would it give you more courage and willingness to take risks, to face the possibility of a woman saying No?

Life is precious. And life is painful. Each time we open our hearts to connection or love we risk being hurt. But if you don’t risk, you never get to experience love, connection, sex…

3. Get Clear About What Really Matters to You

What impact do you want to have on the world?

What do you want to experience in this lifetime?

What makes life feel worth living?

When you are regularly connected with this, the moment of an approach becomes less significant.

—–

There are practices you can use in the moment you meet a woman to ease anxiety and awkwardness but for now, start to think beyond that moment. Then, when the moment happens, it’s less significant and scary.

Here’s to you having the connections, love and sex you want with women!

***

Photo by Garry Knight

Appreciation

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Something that has worked really well in my relationships is being conscious about appreciating each other; making it a point to say “Thank you!” even when actions could have been assumed or expected.

Even if it’s someone’s “job” to take out the garbage or wash the dishes, it still feels good to be appreciated. And it creates connection where resentment could have started to build.

When I was recently asked why I care so much about men I felt more inspired to answer with gratitude and appreciation than I did with reasons.

So here is my first attempt to appreciate for men, from my heart to yours, for the things you may not be appreciated for.

With love,

Shana-signature

Last day for major discount + a powerful way to end suffering

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If you want to join us for Authentic Magnetism with a huge discount, click here to learn more and register by midnight tonight.

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Part of having more of what you want means knowing when it’s time to take a break. It’s a powerful action, even if it seems like you’re moving in the opposite direction of what you want.

People often take breaks from dating or commitment, but doing so doesn’t necessarily help. Because they don’t necessarily look deeper to discover what’s actually creating the pain.

It’s not just dating or relationship as a whole. When you look deeper you start to see your habits and patterns that create suffering.

So rather than a break from dating or relationship, try creating a break from settling, from checking out or from putting your needs last. Take a break from putting a woman in a box before you really know her, from judging yourself or from making a woman’s NO mean something about you.

If you’ve been frustrated with your connections with women, or with anything in your life, take a moment to consider what you could use a break from.  

Then make a commitment to yourself for a specific amount of time (1 week, 1 month, etc). “I will not…”  And choose what you’ll do instead.

If you’ve been setting your needs aside to try to make women want you more it could be:

“For the next week, I will take a break from ignoring my needs. I will practice noticing my needs and I will communicate about them when I have them.”

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Leave a comment here or email me at info@themanshewants.com with the subject line: I took a break.

Speaking of breaks, I’m about to take a break from that involves white sand and time to unwind.

This benefits you because we opened the doors to Authentic Magnetism last week. If you register by the morning of February 19th, before I go off-line, you get a major discount plus all the Man Alive interviews for free.

The next 5 men who sign up will also get a small group “Sizzling Conversations” practice call. You’ll get to learn your unique style for igniting attraction in conversation.

Learn more or register for Authentic Magnetism here

The Biggest Block to Having Passion AND Love

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There’s something that stops many men from capturing women’s interest, igniting attraction, and having the love and sex you deserve.

It may or may not be obvious it’s happening, but if you ever…

Freeze, feel awkward or uncomfortable with women

Doubt yourself or wonder if a woman would want you

Have a hard time talking to women you’re attracted to

Struggle to make the transition from conversation to sex feel natural

 …Then it’s happening

The good news is I’ve seen this change for thousands of men and it can change for you, more easily than you think!

Over the past few months I’ve organized a free training of dating and relationship experts to help you make this change — to have what you want with women.

It will be well worth your time to join us for: Man Alive: Dating, Sex and Love with Power, Choice and Confidence (Instead of Fear, Shame and Compromise)

Check out my unique 1 minute animated video. It gets to the heart of the matter about what is possible for you!

So, what is the block that keeps many men from having the connection, love and sex you deserve?

The answer is…TRYING.

Trying to figure out…

The right things to DO and SAY

What women think is sexy

How to seem like you have it all together

How to be powerful or have the upper hand

When this happens women tend to act indifferent, disinterested or even defensive. Then they…

“Don’t feel like talking” or don’t answer the phone even after giving you their number.

Don’t say yes to a second date or they want to go home rather than continue a date.

In Man Alive you’ll discover how to shift from TRYING and feeling dissatisfied or frustrated, to having incredible dates, sex and love with amazing women.

It’s not always easy to stop trying because:

A. It’s ingrained in you from a young age and

B. Many men fall into the trap of ‘trying to stop trying!’

But there is a way around this!

After working with me, my clients have heard women say things like:

“Oh my God, where did you come from? And will you come home with me?”

“I’ve never met a man like you!”

“You’re like a unicorn. I didn’t know men like you existed.”

“I rarely meet men who are so exciting AND trustworthy!”

This can happen for you too!

I hope you’ll join us. Having collectively worked with tens of thousands of men, we are bringing you the best. We are taking the struggle out of dating, sex and love so you step into the greatness that has women want more of you!

With love,

Shana

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