Shana James Coaching

Don't Settle For Less

Relationships

Women will notice this and it seems like magic

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I received an email from a client recently who wrote:

"I don't know exactly how, but our work together is helping me get over stuff easier. I'm able to stop things from ruining the rest of my day."

The next day he wrote:

"After the role play we did, things have definitely shifted. Women are responding to me and are clearly interested. In fact, they knew my name before I introduced myself!"

It got me thinking…

It can be hard to explain why the work I do with men has such a powerful impact on their lives. In the role play it took about 30 seconds to identify what he does that's pushed women away for years – maybe his whole life!

But beyond better connections, relationships and sex with women, there is also incredible growth in leadership and internal shifts that bring more ease, joy and fulfillment.

As I considered his "I don't know how this is happening" I found a new clarity that is useful for you too.

You see, most people are walking through their days in some kind of fight with themselves, thinking they should be better or different.

This internal fight affects everything! Sometimes it drains you. Sometimes it makes you tense. It can make you spacey, disconnected, anxious…

This client, let's call him Tom, became able to stop things from ruining his day because his internal fight relaxed. Thus he had more freedom in himself in the midst of challenging situations. He didn't feel as riled up or explosive because he was no longer knotted up inside. 

As Tom shifted from judging, shaming and doubting himself to being more playful, compassionate and accepting, the pressure valve released. He stopped walking around like a volcano, about to explode because of the internal grind.

When that fight gets resolved in you it's easier to connect with women. You can respond with play or depth, rather than react from fear or anxiety. You can be curious rather than flustered. You become comfortable enough with your awkwardness to stay present even as it's there, and create spark and excitement.

Ending the fight causes the shitty things that have happened over and over, to shift. Your clarity and power become easily accessible. What used to seem confusing is suddenly so obvious you can't believe it wasn't before. Your desires become more apparent. Your vitality and energy comes flooding back.

So if there is a part of you that is still doubting, shaming, blaming or dissing yourself, it's time to make it stop. It's not always easy to do on your own, which is why I, and my colleagues do what we do.   

Fortunately, at the beginning of next year I am launching a free interview series with experts called Man Alive! It will be about shifting from fear, shame and compromise to power, choice and confidence, in dating, sex and love. 

I'll send more info. about it soon. For now, start to pay attention to those internal voices that say you should be different. Get curious and actually inquire with them about why they have that perspective. It may be weird to have an internal dialogue with yourself but it's powerful.

If you feel ready for a big shift and need support I have a few spots opening up in the new year for private coaching. Respond to this email to get on the waiting list. Let me know what struggles you face as a result of this internal fight and what you want your love and life to be like instead. 

May your thanksgiving be full of joy and gratitude. 

With love, 

Out of the box intimacy: How to be close and connected when you don’t want commitment

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If you've ever struggled to have the connection or sex you want with women outside of a committed relationship, this is for you! 

A recent client, who had barely dated in almost a decade, came to me as he was getting back into the dating game. He knew he wasn't ready for a long-term commitment. 

"I want to be connected and intimate with women," he said, "but it doesn't feel right to jump back into a committed relationship. I don't want to make promises I can't keep. I want to explore and date right now." 

"That sounds great," I said.

Then he paused and looked unsure, "But is it fair to women to have sex outside of a commitment?" he asked.

I appreciated where he was coming from and we dove into a deep conversation about what he meant by "fairness" and even what he meant by "commitment."

I just found myself exhaling a huge sigh. This is an intense topic. I have compassion for you if you were ever pegged as insensitive or disrespectful, or labeled as a player, for wanting sex without commitment. If you haven't, I'm sure you've heard about other men who have.  

There's much more here than meets the eye. I think part of the "player" label happens when a man, feeling shame about asking for what he really wants, doesn't stay connected or communicate honestly. 

Women can then feel hurt and make men wrong for wanting sex, without seeing the whole picture. 

I'm here to bridge the gap, so you can have what you want, and women can too.

Having what you want is possible when you shift from taking disconnected or fearful action, to acting with clarity, honesty and connection.
 

Untangling the Commitment Knot

If you find yourself resisting commitment, start to get curious. Ask yourself: "Committed to what?" What am I resisting committing to? Is there something I could commit to that would inspire me?

Also: What do I want? What is important to me? 

The word commitment is often used in an all encompassing way in our culture. Not wanting that form of commitment doesn't automatically mean you don't want any commitment. You may not but let's explore first.

My experience with alternative relationship structures has helped me understand that "commitment" can look many ways! 

You can commit to a woman for a minute, a day or a lifetime. 

You can commit your attention and your care. Or your passion and play. It doesn't always have to be a commitment about boundaries or how you'll interact with other women when you're not together.

So again, what might you be open to committing to? As you brainstorm know that no one is holding you to it, yet! 

How to have connection when you don't want as much commitment

To create connection with women, when you aren't as keen on a "fully committed relationship," start here:  

1. Get clear about what you want. Expand your sense of what is possible. Consider what is important to you and what you'd be inspired to commit to.

Note: This can be confusing since it's not always black or white. Or you may think something is impossible and not realize it's your own beliefs limiting you. 

2. Learn to communicate what you want with clarity and kindness, and without apology. Learn to hear and understand a woman's resistance to your desires without taking it personally or making yourself (or her) wrong. 

3. Get curious about whether your desires are in fact aligned with the woman in front of you. Ask her what's important to her. And listen well to her response! 

4. Let her know what you heard and think you understand. Check to see if you really got it. 

5. Determine whether it's a win for both of you to spend more time together. If it doesn't feel uplifting or inspiring for both of you, don't force it. If it's not a fit with this woman there are others it will be a fit with.  

It may not be easy at first

Out of the box intimacy and connection is not bound by conventional standards. You may wonder if it's worth it to go through these steps. I guarantee it is. It's not always easy, especially in the beginning, but when you learn to have deeper, more honest conversations with women, you can create connection and sex that's likely beyond what you've imagined to be possible! 

It does take a willingness to be clear about your desires, responsible for your communication and vulnerable with your heart. If this inspires you but you know you could use some help, apply for a coaching consultation with me here. 

What I learned reading men’s love letters last weekend…

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I led a workshop last weekend for 70 people – 40 of whom were single men who want more and better connections sex and relationships with women. I was blown away by their courage!

As we guided them to tap into their strength and at the same time share their vulnerability, they were unstoppable. The women in the room were ooohing, aahing, sighing, even moaning. It got hot in there!

I thought about how rarely men are guided or given permission to share their vulnerable parts. You've more than likely been taught that it's weak to show them. 

One of my most amazing experiences from the weekend was participating in an exercise where we wrote love letters to our future partners/beloveds. I was in a group with two men who had never done anything like this. As they read their letters I was struck by how touching their desires were. They were tender, sweet, loving and kind. 

As we gathered with the larger group it was clear that other women were similarly touched by men's letters. Women even said they regained faith that men could meet them emotionally! 

I can understand why you'd think it was weak to share your vulnerability. Especially without having examples of men in your life who did so. But it takes incredible strength to share your heart. 

As one man shed tears in front of the whole group I asked the women if they were more drawn to him or less. They unanimously answered MORE!

Know that women are often moved by your tears, desires and tenderness. And that women often feel honored when you're willing to share with them. 

But if you happen to find a woman who is mean to you when you're vulnerable, let her go. You deserve to be received with love and compassion. 

With love, 
Shana

P.S. I have been working on a new free video course: Confident and Relaxed with Smart Sexy Women. I'll send details soon so you can check it out! 

I climbed over a fence. How this helps you with women…

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I recently got stuck in my friend's backyard!

I slept over at his house and woke up to go home early in the morning, before anyone was awake. So that I didn't leave the house unlocked I slipped out a side door that I could lock from the inside.

I walked to the gate that led to the driveway. Standing in front of it I had a moment of panic. It had a key lock. Oh Shit, I thought! I can't get back into the house or out the gate.

I looked around to see if there was any other exit. To my dismay the only way out I found was a narrow slit in the top of the gate. I thought that if I got horizontal I could slip through…if I could get to it.

Trying seemed like a better option than throwing rocks at my friend's window. So I stepped on a ledge at the bottom of the fence and hoisted myself up. I ducked my head through the slit of the fence and confirmed that I could fit my whole body through. I wasn't sure how I would get down but I knew I had to keep going.

As I shimmied down the other side of the gate and my feet touched the ground I was exhilarated. I felt lit up and proud of myself.

How does this relate to you and women??

Well, I know those first moments of approaching a woman can feel terrifying, especially when you're not sure how it will go, or if you'll "make it" to the other side.

But so many of my clients have reported that even if a woman doesn't say yes, reaching out and speaking, rather than holding back can be exhilarating in itself. It is confirmation of acting, rather than hiding behind fear or concerns.

When you do something you're not sure you can do, and you make it to the other side, there is often a feeling of accomplishment. There is often a sense of "That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be." There is often wisdom gained about what you'd do differently next time.

So, wherever you find your next "fence," try sticking your head through the hole ;). Even if it doesn't go how you'd ideally want it to go, taking action brings you a step closer to what you really want.

 

[Video] Vulnerable share about a recent awkward date moment

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This feels pretty vulnerable, but I really am going to let you in on my dating life. The experiences I’m having lately are SO applicable to your having the dates, sex and relationships you want with women that it would be selfish of me not to share them.

Here’s a video I made about an awkward first kiss that turned into incredible respect, curiosity and a desire to see this man again.
Leave a comment or ask questions here on the blog!
With love,
Shana

Fundamental #5: How to use awkwardness to create spark and attraction!

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Awkwardness doesn’t have to kill attraction or connection with women. Learning to to ride waves of awkwardness can actually make it one something that creates hotter, more connected interactions with women!

The thing about being human is… It’s awkward!

Men and women alike are awkward, self-conscious creatures.

Because we don’t have the luxury of seeing cartoon inner-dialogue bubbles over each others’ heads, it can often seem like women “have it all together.”

You’d probably laugh (though maybe you’d feel very relieved) If you saw my inner dialogue in my many awkward moments:

“Will what i just said make him lose his interest in me?”

“I don’t know what to say next.”

“Where do I put my damn arms so I look (and feel) relaxed?”

“Do I have food in my teeth or boogers in my nose?”

“Does my belly look big?”

I am a pretty confident, self-loving woman. I spend time around incredibly confident, self-loving women. I haven’t met one woman who doesn’t feel awkward or doubt herself!

The difference between now and ten years ago is that I don’t take it so seriously. You don’t have to either!

When you take your awkwardness seriously, this is what happens:

Moment of awkwardness –>  Oh god what did I just do!? (Taking it seriously) –> (I shouldn’t have said that.) Self-criticism –> Freeze, fumble or say “fU#& it” –> The moment passes and you’ve lost the connection

When you relax and accept your awkwardness as part of being human, this is what happens:

Moment of awkwardness –> Recognizing and accepting that I just felt awkward –> Saying ” I just felt awkward” or taking a deep breath or laughing (Acknowledge awkwardness light heartedly) –> More connection with a woman, sometimes even revealing a spark that hadn’t been there!

Fundamental #5 in the 10 Fundamentals of Attraction Most Men Never Learn is: Embracing awkwardness dissolves awkwardness

If you’ve been taking your awkwardness seriously, see what it’s like to start to experiment with being more accepting and light hearted with it. Or start asking other people (especially women if that’s who you feel stuck with) if and when they feel awkward. It is much easier to feel ashamed of being awkward when you assume no one else feels that way, so do a reality check!

Let us know how it goes or ask questions here on the blog.

There are some ways you can express awkwardness that create more connection and some that don’t. HOW you share makes all the difference. When you learn the rest of the 10 Fundamentals of Attraction Most Men Never Learn you’ll understand exactly how to use awkwardness to create attraction. I cover these fundamentals in Authentic Magnetism. Learn more here! It’s half price for a few more days.

What makes a woman want you before you even speak!

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I looked at a photo of a man the other day and I felt a rush of pleasure through my body. He was about 15 years older than me and not even my type. But oh my god I literally felt the presence in his eyes and the aliveness in his body!

I’ve had this feeling happen in person too, sometimes before I even saw the man, my body started to buzz with turn-on. When I turned around to see who was causing my body to light up, it wasn’t necessarily the hottest man in the room, but it has always been a man who emits not only strength and presence, but also care and humility.

Sadly, I don’t experience this very often. But what that tells me is you have the opportunity to blow the socks off of some fantastic women!

I’m not talking about playing a game with women. When you are opening women’s hearts and bodies, before saying a word, it means you are tapped into the most powerful, impactful, loving parts of yourself. You are tapped into and believing your own amazingness. You are living your life aligned with your deepest values!

In the last ten years I have had hundreds of men do a “silent approach exercise” with me. In 5-20 seconds I feel a range of feelings and sensations in my body — from fear to frustration, to dullness, to excitement, to turn on! There is so much more happening than “chemistry.”

So how is it that you can have such an impact before you even speak?

Everything you do, choose, think about and feel adds or detracts energy from your body. In every interaction you are a conglomeration of how you spend your time, the actions you take and the way you relate to yourself. Your body communicates with the people around you, even when you aren’t using words.

It’s actually quite simple when you think about it this way…

The better you feel about yourself → the less inner dialogue you have about what she may not like about you → the more able you are to relax and interact with a woman in a way that is playful, passionate and connected.

The more your choices align with your values → the less you shrink back out of shame or self-doubt → the more forthcoming you are with your honesty, your desires, and even your sensuality.

The better the connections you have with friends and family → the less you need the woman in front of you to fill something that’s missing in your life → the more you can enjoy the unique moment you’re sharing with a woman, without forcing it.

It’s not a tactic for getting women to like you. It just happens to be what has women genuinely and wholeheartedly want to be with you.

If you want more on women feeling drawn to you before you even open your mouth, in all phases of interacting with women, check out Authentic Magnetism.

As you interact with people this week, start to explore how you feel when there is silence. When you learn to shift from wondering whether you’re saying or doing the right thing, to relaxing and enjoying the woman across from you (on a first date or the 50th year of your marriage), you help women sink into their bodies. Their minds slow down. Their bodies turn on. Women start to realize they can’t feel the way they feel with you on their own. And they want more!

Let us know how it goes and ask questions here on the blog.

With love,

Shana

 

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