In this episode of Practicing Love, I’m joined by Elana Auerbach, author of The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark, for a refreshing and deeply human conversation about desire differences, sensual connection, and what actually helps when intimacy takes a back seat.
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
Desire Differences: What to Do When Sex Feels Blocked or Stuck: Show Notes
What do you do when desire fades…
When intimacy keeps getting interrupted…
Or when sex starts to feel like pressure instead of pleasure?
In this week’s episode of Practicing Love, I’m joined by Elana Auerbach, author of The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark, for a conversation that feels like a deep exhale around sex, desire differences, and long-term intimacy.
Instead of trying to “fix” low desire or push through resistance, Elana offers something much more grounded and effective: pleasure as a practice of presence, intention, and safety.
We talk about:
- Why desire often goes offline even in loving relationships
- How resentment, withholding, and performance block intimacy
- A definition of orgasm that has nothing to do with doing it right
- Why Responsive Desire needs safety and context to emerge
- What to do when intimacy gets interrupted, and why pausing doesn’t mean failure
- How short, intentional pleasure practices can rebuild closeness and spark
This conversation is especially for you if you’ve ever thought:
- “I want more intimacy, but I don’t want pressure.”
- “Something blocks connection when things start to feel good.”
- “I miss feeling alive, relaxed, and open in my body.”
Elana’s work is wise, compassionate, and deeply practical, and offers real hope without forcing anything.
This episode is aligned with Honest Sex! And it pairs beautifully with Elana’s book The Sure Thing, which explores how a simple, intentional pleasure practice can transform not just your sex life, but your relationship with yourself. The link to get the book is on the podcast page.
When you’re done with this one, check out another episode on sex and pleasure that I recorded while launching Honest Sex, focused on What is Orgasm Actually? with Alicia Davon.
I’m also really excited to be working on a new way for people to date, to bring more honesty, and decrease the pain and frustration people are having with apps and modern dating. Keep an eye out for more on this.
Links:
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Connect with Elana
Bio:
Elana spent her childhood and young adulthood on what she calls “the conveyor belt of life,” being the good girl and doing what others expected of her. This looked like graduating Phi Beta Kappa from UCLA, working on Wall Street for an investment bank, and marrying someone with whom she felt no chemistry.
It all fell apart in 2001 when Elana realized she’d been living a lie and found the courage to leave her first marriage. She entered a world of sensuality and sex in a San Francisco pleasure-centered community. This is where she met the man who would become her loverman for life.
In 2005, Elana founded Sensuelle: A Woman’s Journey into Sensuality, a program supporting women to fall in love with themselves. Then, in 2011, a few years after becoming an ordained priestess with the Sanctuary of the 13 Moon Mystery School, Elana was certified to teach their year-long immersion into the feminine mysteries, where she taught for over a decade.
While Elana has a wealth of professional experience guiding women deeper into their bodies and their pleasure, The Sure Thing comes directly from her personal life. After years of frustration and failed gimmicks to try to respark her sex life with her spouse of 20 years, Elana invented The Sure Thing. This simple weekly practice has been a miracle for her and for their relationship. She wants everyone to have access to this life altering practice, so she wrote her debut book!
Transcript:
Shana James (00:00)
Hello and welcome to this episode of Practicing Love. I’m your host, Shana James, and I’m excited to be here today with an amazing woman. I’ll introduce her in a moment, but first I want to say that today we’re going to talk about desire differences: what to do when sex feels blocked or stuck, and Elana’s book: The Sure Thing.
In my experience, most people are looking for a sure thing — whether that’s a relationship that feels solid, a passionate love affair, or simply coming home to your partner and knowing things are okay. You don’t have to worry. You don’t have to wonder.
Elana Auerbach has been training in love, intimacy, and so much more, and she’s written a book based on her practice called The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice. It’s a practice she took on with her husband, and I’m so excited for you to hear about the connection and pleasure that’s possible — and how we can navigate the fear, awkwardness, and discomfort that so often get in the way of being open and loving with each other.
Elana, thank you so much for being here, and for creating this practice and this book. I’m really happy to have you.
Elana Auerbach (01:23)
It’s truly a delight. Thank you so much, Shana. When I saw your podcast called Practicing Love, I thought, absolutely — this is a love practice. So thank you for hosting me.
Shana James (01:25)
Yeah.
Alright, will you tell us about the practice — how you came to it, and how this book was born?
Elana Auerbach (01:43)
Yeah. So The Sure Thing is a pleasure practice. It’s a weekly commitment to practicing pleasure, and it’s 100% customizable from the start. You set your own intention — whatever embodied fulfillment means to you.
This is amazing for couples who feel stuck in their sex-life or are struggling with desire differences.
For me, the intention was to deepen intimacy, pleasure, and connection. Almost five years ago, I invited my spouse, Bill, into this practice. And mind you, this came after about a 12-year struggle. We’ve been together for over 20 years, and like most couples, we have different desire levels. We have a kid — very common. And our intimacy and sensual connection took a real backseat to family, responsibilities, work, community… all the things.
And it just quietly faded away. We tried everything. Every idea, every book, every expert, every friend’s advice — nothing worked. I was getting increasingly agitated, frustrated, and angry.
I actually came up with the idea of a weekly consort practice in 2018. But because there was so much built-up resentment and withholds, it took almost two more years before I finally had the courage to bring it up.
Shana James (02:29)
Which is common for most couples.
Elana Auerbach (02:43)
Exactly. What helped was that I made a commitment to a friend — because I really wanted this. I said I would bring it up by the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. And I did.
After a lovemaking session — very intentionally planned, during the afterglow, while our kid was at drum lessons — I said, “Hey baby, how would you like to, on a weekly basis, deepen intimacy, pleasure, and connection with each other?”
And he said, “Sure, sugar. That sounds great.”
Shana James (04:06)
Sure. Sure, honey bunch.
Elana Auerbach (04:09)
Right? So then it started.
Shana James (04:11)
Okay, keep going — but I want to bookmark two things. One: the courage to ask. And two: what happens when your partner isn’t as easygoing or doesn’t immediately say yes. But keep going.
Elana Auerbach (04:23)
Yes. I had no idea that such a simple practice would change the tension so quickly. Twelve years of buildup pretty much disappeared overnight.
Because suddenly it was Saturday. And it wasn’t, “Are we going to have sex? Are we not? Are we going to fool around? Make out?” That whole question was gone.
Shana James (04:39)
Really?
Elana Auerbach (04:48)
Yes. And by the way, The Sure Thing is not about having sex. It’s about fulfilling your intention.
Our kid had drum lessons every Saturday, so that became our time. We’d come into the bedroom — sometimes we’d dance, sometimes put on music, light a candle, sometimes not. And one of us would answer the question: What would be most pleasurable right now?
Shana James (04:50)
Right — I was going to say that. I love that there’s a simple question. And I’m also thinking about people who will ask, “What do we do when there’s gunk in the way? When there are withholds?” We’ll come back to that.
Elana Auerbach (05:25)
Yes — and all of that is met by this question. Just focus on right here, right now: What would be most pleasurable?
Sometimes I want to dance for him. Sometimes I want to dance with him. Sometimes I want my back rubbed. Sometimes we take a bath together. Sometimes I want the lube and to get busy. Sometimes we just make out.
Shana James (05:45)
Do you trade off answering the question, or does one person usually answer?
Elana Auerbach (05:47)
It’s whoever wants to. For a long time, it was me. Then one day I asked him, “How come it’s always me answering this?” And he said, “I thought that’s what you wanted. That’s what you told me years ago.”
He was following an old expression of my desire — but everything had changed. That was before we were practicing The Sure Thing.
Shana James (06:09)
Yeah. It’s so easy to take something someone said years ago and assume it’s still true, without ever checking.
Elana Auerbach (06:23)
Exactly. I told him, “No, sweetheart — that’s not what I want anymore.” Back then I was like a desert — taking what I could get. Now I’m a gushing river, overflowing the banks.
Shana James (06:41)
Overflowing river — yes. This is so beautiful.
Let’s go back and fill in some pieces. I love how quickly the tension dissolved. Often the question is: Is it ever going to happen? Who’s going to initiate? But when it becomes a practice — like your podcast title, Practicing Love — and a shared commitment to pleasure, so much dissipates.
You mentioned it took years because of resentment and withholds. How do you suggest people navigate that as they begin?
Elana Auerbach (07:28)
What got me to ask was that commitment to my friend — a sacred witness. Otherwise, I could’ve waited years longer.
Even with the resentment, I still made the commitment. Because all that stuff is in the past. It feels real, but it’s not happening right now.
I encourage people to bring themselves into the present. Whatever practice helps — holding your heart, taking a deep breath, thinking of someone or something you adore. It doesn’t have to be your partner. It could be a pet. Something that softens you.
Then from that place, you can say: “I want a weekly pleasure practice.”
Shana James (08:27)
Right. And what I’m hearing is that softening gives you access to desire — instead of complaint. Instead of that downward spiral energy.
Elana Auerbach (09:04)
Exactly. Beneath what I thought was wanting more sex was really wanting closeness — heart intimacy. And it’s unbelievable how that tenderness keeps unfolding.
Shana James (09:34)
Yes. So beautiful.
You and I have both done a lot of meditation, mindfulness, and sensuality work. I’m thinking about people who haven’t — where resentment has eroded trust or freedom. I might guide someone to have a conversation before starting the practice. How would you approach that?
Elana Auerbach (10:20)
Yeah. What I would do — and what’s actually in the book — is, if you both feel like, “Yes, this sounds like a good idea,” the first step is to listen for an intention.
I offer three different ways to discover an intention that really excites you. You want one that lights you up.
When I say my intention — deepening intimacy, pleasure, and connection — I feel like, “Heck yes, I want that.”
Shana James (10:28)
Beautiful.
Elana Auerbach (10:49)
So you want something you can both truly get behind. You can share the same intention — Bill and I do — or you can each have your own.
It’s completely customizable. It’s an autonomous practice you design together. In the book, I really tenderly take readers by the hand through lots of options to create something reliable and ongoing for their specific relationship.
Shana James (11:18)
Yay.
Okay, so someone starts this. They both say yes, they come up with an intention. I love that it can be different intentions — you can share the experience but want different things from it. That feels incredible.
Elana Auerbach (11:44)
And can I make a point?
One client’s partner had the intention of wanting an orgasm — very specifically. She worried, “What if I feel fulfilled but he hasn’t had an orgasm yet?”
I said, right — this is where we individuate. You might say, “Okay baby, here’s the lube. I’ll witness you. I’ll support you.”
But if you don’t actually want to bring them to orgasm or have sex because you already feel complete, you have to stay attuned to what’s truly honest for you.
That’s the practice too.
Shana James (12:39)
Yes.
The older I get — or the deeper I go — the more I see that my partner can have sexual sovereignty and so can I.
While I like being generous, I’m not responsible for his orgasm or pleasure. And for many decades, I carried that pressure — like I’d be shameful or a bad partner if I didn’t.
I’ve softened around that now. I’m curious how you help women — and maybe anyone — let go of that pressure.
Elana Auerbach (13:20)
I love that term sexual sovereignty. Practicing The Sure Thing is really practicing that.
There’s a whole part of the book about learning what we want — and then asking for it. Because we can’t ask if we don’t know.
And we’ve been so conditioned — especially women — that sex is transactional. Like, “If you get me off, I owe you.”
It’s this unspoken agreement, which honestly is bullshit. It’s patriarchy.
We have to shatter that conditioning. It can feel confronting, but freedom is on the other side — realizing we can say, “That’s not in alignment for me right now.”
And still say, “I want you to feel fulfilled. I’ll be with you, I’ll witness you, I’ll kiss your face while you pleasure yourself.”
It’s teasing apart the idea that it has to be reciprocal in that old tit-for-tat way.
Shana James (14:52)
Right.
And when I release that pressure, I’m actually more likely to come to the bedroom freely — like, “I want to play and explore,” instead of feeling obligated. That never felt good.
Elana Auerbach (15:41)
Exactly.
It’s not about needing a certain outcome — penetrative sex, everyone orgasming, any of that.
That’s why I have a really expansive definition of orgasm.
Shana James (15:49)
Yay — me too in my book.
Let’s expand sex and orgasm beyond that tiny antiquated box. What’s your definition?
Elana Auerbach (16:11)
For me, it’s: how much can I surrender to pleasurable physical sensation?
It can happen right here, right now. And as you practice, that sensation spreads — not just genitals, but radiating through the whole body.
Shana James (16:37)
Yes — the whole body, the energy field, everything.
There’s so much more pleasure available than we were ever taught.
Okay, and people can do this solo too, right?
Elana Auerbach (17:18)
Absolutely. The Solo Sure.
If your partner’s traveling — or if you’re single — it becomes a self-love practice. You are your own beloved.
You can fantasize, invite a mythic lover, whatever inspires you. It’s only limited by imagination.
Shana James (18:33)
Yes. I’ve had profound experiences like that. It’s such a beautiful way to learn your body, your desires, your fantasies — so when you’re with a partner, you have more clarity and flow.
Do you give guidance for communicating during the experience?
Elana Auerbach (19:15)
Yes, absolutely.
There’s a sensual fulfillment formula. You pause and ask, “What do I most want right now?”
You get an image or feeling, ask for it, experience it, and then check again. Does that still feel true?
It’s a muscle.
Shana James (19:54)
That it gets to change moment to moment.
Elana Auerbach (19:58)
Exactly. Our desires ebb and flow.
So we practice asking for what we want in everyday life first. Then when we’re in the sensual realm — which can feel more vulnerable — we already have that muscle.
And we have the courage to speak up.
Shana James (20:37)
Yes.
What would you say if someone tries this — or a couple tries it together — and it’s awkward, or one person gets upset, or they’re struggling to navigate what’s happening?
In my fantasy world it goes perfectly… but I know it doesn’t always. My partner and I have dates similar to this, though we haven’t done it as a Sure Thing. And actually, this would be amazing for us — because we have a series of seven dates we created, and it took us a year and a half to get through all seven.
If we had something more like a Sure Thing, we’d probably have more frequent experiences, even if they were shorter or less of a production.
So what happens when it isn’t magical or fairy tale?
Elana Auerbach (21:35)
Yeah — great question.
One thing you mentioned is the length of time. With The Sure Thing, it could be ten minutes or it could be all night. There’s no attachment to duration. Sometimes you’ll want to linger, sometimes you won’t. It’s really about following your desire level.
And if things start to feel cranky — if something’s blocking the connection, or one or both of you feel frustrated — pause. Stop right there.
Then reconnect with your intention. Why are we doing this? What inspired us to practice The Sure Thing in the first place?
For me, it’s about deepening intimacy, connection, and pleasure. So I might say, “Okay sweetheart, let’s just do eye gazing.” That’s often how we start.
There’s also a whole chapter on preparation — ways to get yourself ready individually and together.
But the key is: don’t override tension. If something feels off, slow down. Give that part of you airtime.
So often in the sensual or sexual realm, things ramp up quickly, and our nervous systems don’t catch up. It’s like — wait, let’s slow this down.
Shana James (23:23)
Yes.
I know that moment where pleasure is building and then suddenly something speeds up, and I lose the sensation or feel uncomfortable.
So many people I work with don’t stop in that moment. It’s like, “I’m supposed to be happy, supposed to keep going, supposed to reach climax.” And it breaks my heart.
Honestly, only in this relationship have I learned to say, in the moment, “Can we try that differently?” or “Can we pause?” instead of just pushing through.
Elana Auerbach (24:16)
Yeah.
That takes deep trust and surrender. Because there’s this fear that if you interrupt, you’ll lose the turn-on or lose the erection — like something will be ruined.
But nothing is lost. Everything is gained by following the signals from our bodies.
When we trust those signals, the experience becomes more satisfying and aligned. We’re not pushing aside some younger or wounded part of ourselves just to “get off.”
We bring every part along. And that’s what creates ongoing, reliable fulfillment.
Shana James (25:22)
Yes. Thank you.
Is there anything you and Bill have navigated that surprised you? Any challenges that might help people feel more normal about having stuckness in their sex lives?
Elana Auerbach (25:48)
A couple things come to mind.
Just a few weeks ago, it was Saturday — our usual day — and we were watching a show I love. I wasn’t really in the mood. I just wanted to watch another episode.
I could feel that couch-potato inertia pulling me in.
And then I hit this crossroads:
I knew where staying on the couch would lead — kind of half-awake, half-asleep. Or I could practice The Sure Thing and feel more alive and connected.
So I asked myself, what do I really want? And the answer was clear: I want to feel fulfilled and sensually alive.
So we practiced. And it was beautiful.
These moments still come up. It’s a choice — just like meditation. You don’t always feel like sitting, but you know your day goes better if you do.
It’s the same here. We’ve never once finished a Sure Thing and thought, “That was a waste of time.” It’s always the opposite.
Shana James (27:37)
No matter how it goes.
Elana Auerbach (27:46)
Exactly.
And another thing — about six months ago, Bill started sharing really intimate emotional things with me. We’ve been together since 2002, and there were things he’d never said out loud.
I asked him what changed. And he said, “I think it’s The Sure Thing. I just feel so close to you now.”
That blew me away.
So much has opened in our relationship that never would have without this practice. That’s actually why I wrote the book.
About six months in, after a session, we high-fived and said, “This is amazing. It’s so simple.” And I said, “I think I have to write a book.”
And he said, “Yeah, you do.”
Shana James (29:02)
I love that.
Elana Auerbach (29:13)
It really comes down to commitment and devotion.
Devotion, to me, means serving something you love with love — being devoted to your sensual fulfillment, to what lights you up.
I originally called it discipline, but that felt harsh and militant. Devotion feels right.
You put your heart and effort toward something you care about. And over time, like meditation, it actually takes less effort because it becomes natural.
And then a couple years ago, I learned about spontaneous versus responsive desire. That was a total game changer.
Because sometimes it’s Saturday and I’m not in the mood — and that’s okay. It doesn’t matter.
Shana James (30:43)
Yes. Responsive desire is mind-blowing.
There’s a tricky moment in there where I don’t want to tell someone, “Just do what you don’t feel like doing,” because that can become turning against yourself.
But what I’ve found in my perimenopausal journey is that responsive desire speaks so deeply to my experience. I may not feel turned on at first. And yet, once there’s connection, slowness, pleasure, no rushing, no pressure — once we create a kind of sacred space together — my body starts responding.
Instead of being overloaded by all the responsibilities of life, I can actually feel what’s here.
Elana Auerbach (32:02)
That’s right. Absolutely.
Sometimes we’ll just lie on the bed and hold hands and see what happens. That’s it.
Responsive desire arises out of context.
Spontaneous desire is the Hollywood version — the sudden rush of lust where you run toward it and satisfy it. And that’s great too. A lot of people experience both.
But with responsive desire, the whole idea of “being in the mood” becomes irrelevant. It’s just not the starting point.
Shana James (32:56)
Right. And I think that takes away so much shame — especially for women, though really for any gender.
Because then there’s nothing wrong with you if you’re not instantly in the mood. Maybe you only feel desire once you’re already in bed together, or there’s slow, attuned touch or massage.
That’s not broken — that’s physiology. That’s how your system orients.
Yeah.
I know we could talk about this for a long time — and it’s very pleasurable for me — but before we wrap up, is there anything else you’d want to add?
Elana Auerbach (33:40)
Likewise — I could talk about this forever.
Last summer, while I was finishing the book, a friend asked me if it might be part of something bigger. And that really landed.
I’m devoted to creating a world based on kindness, collaboration, compassion, and joy. And I started wondering: could a weekly pleasure practice actually change the world?
It’s changed my world profoundly.
So along with the book, I’m launching something called The Sure Thing Love Experiment — a kind of love laboratory. The question is: how many people practicing pleasure and connection does it take to start seeing real shifts in our communities, our cities, even globally?
I’ve been hosting online “pleasure parties” — just spaces where people get a dose of joy and connection — and encouraging people to start pleasure pods.
Shana James (34:36)
I love that. What would a pleasure pod look like?
Elana Auerbach (35:09)
It could be dancing, singing, cooking, praying, setting intentions — whatever brings connection.
I’ve hosted something called The Sure Thing Shabbat in Berkeley, where we weave together song, movement, prayer, and shared intention.
It really depends on who’s there. But the promise is simple: you’ll leave more open-hearted and joyful than when you arrived.
Should I share a bit about the book?
Shana James (36:03)
Yes, please.
Elana Auerbach (36:15)
It’s called The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark.
It’s available as an ebook and paperback on Amazon. And it’s interactive — there are journaling prompts, questions, and guided practices. So if you get the ebook, you’ll want a journal handy because you’ll be coming back to it often.
You can also visit surethingexperiment.com to follow the love laboratory events happening online and in person.
The idea is: start with your own world, then come together and see how far that ripple can go.
Shana James (37:22)
I love that.
When I first started working in Authentic Relating, I saw how much people suffer from feeling unseen, unsupported, or unloved. And when people feel connected and cared for, they have so much more energy and generosity to bring to the world.
So yes, when people feel happier and more alive in their relationships, it absolutely changes the world.
Elana Auerbach (38:13)
Totally. I don’t even know how much mental and emotional energy I used to spend focusing on what I wasn’t getting. That’s gone now.
And all that energy is free to contribute to my community. It’s been incredibly liberating.
Shana James (38:34)
I’m so grateful this practice came through you and that you’re sharing it. It feels like such a gift for couples who have felt stuck, who want more and better intimacy and sex. I know so many people will benefit.
Elana Auerbach (39:10)
Thank you. I hope it’s received that way. That’s truly my prayer. Thank you, Shana.
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