Many women ask me how to find a good man… let me tell you… they exist!
For 20 years, as a dating and relationship coach, specializing in supporting men, I have met open hearted men — men who want to love and support a woman, who are willing to learn, and who are sensitive and emotional (even if they haven’t learned ALL the emotional skills to be totally emotionally available).
My male coaching clients, who are amazing but aren’t always chosen by women, tell me things like:
“I want to make it safe for my date, so she can be comfortable. I don’t want to be too aggressive, offensive, or anything that would give her the wrong idea.”
“I think I come across awkward or boring, but I’m trying not to be creepy.”
“How do I be honest in moments when I doubt myself or feel vulnerable, without women thinking I’m wimpy or weak?”
These men are incredibly sincere, but I know they don’t always catch your attention, so, how do you find a good man?
You don’t have to kiss a lot of frogs 🐸 to learn how to find a good man!
When you are learning how to find a good man, you need to be able to recognize one, from the beginning, even if he’s hiding behind fear or awkwardness. Because his shyness or awkwardness doesn’t mean he won’t be an amazing partner. Hundreds of men I’ve coached are not great daters, but they are great in a relationship!
Here’s the main thing I see that keeps women from meeting great men…
Many great men are kingly in how they want to treat women. They want to be kind and respectful. Some even want to make up for other men’s shitty behaviors. But these kingly men tend to show up more like Clark Kent than Superman! Often they were told by their moms or sisters to not make women uncomfortable, or that their sexuality was too much.
My new name for these men is Clark King 👑
Remember how Clark Kent was a bit nerdy, and a lot awkward? You wouldn’t have thought he was a leader, or a great lover. But when he transformed, he was saving the world!
Clark was also Superman, but he couldn’t show his power freely because it was dangerous. And by power I mean true and benevolent power, not dominant, destructive power.
A Clark King’s true power is his sensitivity, his desire to care for others, and his ability to cherish. He is generous and supportive. This kind of power has sadly not been valued in our culture.
Clark Kings want to treat a woman well. But women don’t always give them a chance! We were taught to look for Supermans. This greatly limits our dating options, and makes it seem like great men don’t exist. So, how to find your own Clark King?
How to find a good man when you are dating in midlife
When I started a new round of dating a few years ago, almost a decade after being divorced, I tried something new.
I prioritized dating for partnership, rather than attraction.
I was clear I wouldn’t give up attraction. I’d explore whether there was enough of it to feel connected, rather than basing my decision primarily on chemistry.
Why this shift?
I realized that I had prioritized chemistry in my marriage and past relationships, over tracking for partnership alignment. It didn’t work out! And the chemistry was eventually diluted by our conflicts and disappointments.
What I’ve discovered is that women have the power to see the best in men, and call them into their version of Superman, that they may not yet have fully realized.
The great news is that your power is an open hearted invitation for a man to be his best. This happens by bringing truth with love, and asking for what you need, without blaming or making him wrong.
You don’t have to work hard, or take on the burden of “fixing” him. You can be more true to yourself, and devoted to your heart’s longing, and call a man into his highest self.
My how to find a good man story!
I met my partner 2.5 years ago. It took five or six dates to know whether he had the depth and strength I wanted in a partner. I continued to date him because I could tell he was a great person.
He told me he volunteered at Meals on Wheels. He described his connection with his children and I was inspired. He told me he took up running later in life, and even ran long distance marathons and iron mans. (I’d never have guessed it 😅.) His response to what I’d need for him to meet my kid brought tears to my eyes.
Sure he was chatty, and I wasn’t feeling a ton of attraction. But I didn’t give up because I knew, from coaching thousands of men, that he wasn’t yet feeling safe to show me more of himself.
I made it safe for him to bring all of himself — his version of Superman
Whereas many women would have given up, I was honest along the way. I told him what I appreciated about him, and how I could feel more connected to him. I let myself explore and have fun, without needing to make an immediate decision about our future. I let him know what I was questioning, as I considered whether we were a good fit. He could have left, but through feeling seen and appreciated, he was inspired to open up.
In midlife, women tend to want (and I think we deserve) a relationship that’s real, honest, and supportive – where a man has your back and believes in you…where you can grow and learn together, and where spark and intimacy flourish as you’re understood and attuned to.
As you start looking for the Clark Kings, rather than the Supermans, you’re more likely to have the kind of love you want.
These men exist. Some of them are newly dating again after divorce (which I actually prefer to men who have never had a LTR!).
So how do you find these great men?
Here’s what I support women to do, that has great men show up for them:
- I help women learn to trust themselves, so they don’t miss the yellow and red flags. You don’t need to waste your time or get emotionally involved with someone who can’t connect in a real way.
- I help women communicate in a way that inspires men to step up, rather than fall down
- I help women compassionately explore the ways they may be pushing men away, without realizing it
- I help women figure out what makes dating easier and more enjoyable, and to have clarity about what matters most to them, so they’re more likely to find it
- I help women discern their instincts from their young parts (the ones that are afraid and shouldn’t run the show). We get the adult, empowered, open hearted self to take the lead.
- I help women have more love for themselves than ever, and the freedom to use their voice to get what they want and need
I know good men exist. And if you’re looking for one, I believe you can find him.
If you’re looking for a conscious and emotionally available man, and you want to date with less stress and effort, book a free Effortless Love and Sex Consultation here. I’d love to hear more about your dates and your desires.
P.S. If you know a woman who needs this, please pass this on to her!