As the new year rolls around I’ve been thinking about last year. Many of my clients (men and women) have started talking about perimenopause, which can feel like a huge blow to a relationship. Having started a new relationship two years ago, and then finding myself deep in the throes of gnarly perimenopausal symptoms a year later, I know how hard it can be. But while it hasn’t been easy for either of us, I know we are more connected than ever, and have a stronger foundation, as a result of facing this challenge. So I started thinking about why perimenopause and menopause are actually the doorway to the love and sex you’ve always wanted.
Perimenopause can come with mood swings, physical challenges, and changes in intimacy, which can start to crack the foundation of your relationship. This may be so terrifying you want to crawl in a hole, or you may be so frustrated you want to throw in the towel. I recommend taking a deep breath and starting to explore other options. It can be hard to welcome this phase, but I promise you perimenopause can be one of the most powerful doorways to having more connection and intimacy than ever before. You can emerge from this stronger, and feel more loved and appreciated than ever.
Mature Honesty
Many people have a hard time speaking up about what we want. We can judge ourselves as needy, high maintenance, weird, or some other derogatory word. Hiding or holding back our deeper truths can become the norm, which creates distance, dullness, or resentment in relationships. It’s not always obvious it’s happening because people get used to it.
Enter perimenopause — a phase that is hard to ignore. It comes barreling in with physical and emotional symptoms for women — hot flashes, fatigue, overwhelm, anxiety, irritability, depression (or swinging between the two), sleep challenges, and lowered libido. These changes can feel awful, and can lead to conflict, misunderstandings, and upsets. A woman can be overwhelmed with the physical and emotional changes, and a partner can feel rejected as a result. Decreased intimacy, from withdrawal or reactivity, can create a downward spiral of disconnection.
One thing perimenopause does is shake up the norm. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially in a long term relationship where habits of settling and disconnection can solidify. The only adults who are given a clear invitation to reassess the depths of their desires, values, and actions are those who get divorced, or are on the verge of it. Perimenopause is an invitation for everyone else, to a deeper knowing of oneself and one’s partner, and to more mature honesty and communication.
It may seem like a knock on the door from a bat-shit, crazy stranger, but with consciousness you’ll see it’s more like a visiting monk, or an angel.
The Power of Conscious Communication
Love isn’t actually intimate until we are real and honest with each other. Most couples aren’t as honest as they think they are. When I asked a client about this, he realized that he and his wife were honest about their preferences and struggles with household responsibilities, parenting, and finances, but not really about their feelings and sexual experiences.
Perimenopause becomes a doorway to more love and connection as you start to have open, honest, and supportive conversations. Speaking up about what feels good and what doesn’t, how you feel supported or understood, or don’t, creates a deeper knowing of each other, so you can meet each other in ways you dreamt of. As you shift from blaming, shaming, and attacking, to collaborating, you find new, and even exciting ways to connect, and build trust. And while it doesn’t happen instantly, and many couples need tools or guidance, it happens if you’re committed. As you learn more about each other, and become more generous with your listening and caring, you can feel more connected, supported, loved, and even pleasured, than ever before.
Together as a Team
As you shift from being competitive or individualistic, to a team who collaborates and supports each other, intimacy builds. There are simple ways to begin to work together, rather than against each other.
1. Ask curious and positive questions, rather than defeated or blaming questions
Instead of asking “Why this is happening?,” or “Why are you being like this?”, ask questions like:
- How can we adapt to this together and how do we want to get through this phase?
- What would make us feel closer?
- What are our biggest challenges? What can we handle on our own, and what do we need help with?
- What would have you feel more loved or supported?
2. Explore new ways to connect and rekindle your bond
In my book, Honest Sex, the second section is about expanding your definition of sex to include physical, emotional, energetic, and spiritual aspects. Sex is often seen as something physical, and involving genitals, but in my tantra training, neither of those needs to be involved for you to have the most incredible pleasure or connection! Most of us are not taught the wide range of ways sex can happen, and this leads to suffering.
It takes practice but being honest and really listening to each other can become a type of foreplay. It may sound crazy, but the energy that gets stuck when you hide or hold back can kill passion. Honesty isn’t just about sharing frustrations; it’s also about speaking up about what does and doesn’t feel good in your relationship and life. This vulnerability leads to deeper connection. As you shift from taking things personally and defending yourself, to being collaborative and proactive, you’ll become a stronger team. I suggest you…
- Add emotional check-ins to the financial, family, household check-ins. Start to admit vulnerable things like:
- “I’ve been feeling exhausted. I’d like to talk about how this is affecting us.”
- “I love you, and see that we’re arguing more. I want to approach this as a team.”
- Find resources and new ideas to get out of ruts and expand your connection — this could be sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. There are books, videos, classes, card decks, toys and more!
- Take turns creating dates where each person shares something that makes them feel loved or excited, and then create that together. This can be sexual or have nothing to do with sex.
3. Don’t Overlook Hormone Health, For Both of You
As you get more communicative, it’s also a good idea to check hormone levels. It’s a practical step I’ve taken that can make a big difference. It can take time to figure out options, and what supports your hormonal balance and well-being, but you can use this as an opportunity to get healthier and be more aware of your body. Taking care of your physical health is one aspect of a solid foundation for emotional connection.
4. Get Support
As I’ve said, while perimenopause can bring huge challenges, it’s also an opportunity to strengthen your relationship through honest communication and teamwork. Couples who prioritize these values often emerge more connected than ever. As I wrote about in Honest Sex, we all need support at times. I can help you get through what can be a horribly painful time. Get the 3 vital conversations to turn perimenopause and menopause into the best love and sex of your life. This guide is the best place to start.
Recently, many clients are telling me they’ve learned to talk with their partner in ways they never have, which is creating more intimacy, love, support and passion. Whether you’re navigating this while in a relationship, or dating, I believe in you and your ability to not just survive this phase — but to create a deeper, more fulfilling partnership. If you struggle to communicate in a way that doesn’t push someone away, reach out to me here.
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