In this episode of Man Alive, Shana James and embodiment teacher Rob Kancler explore what truly creates sexual satisfaction for men (and the women who love them).
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
The Missing Piece in Men’s Sexual Fulfillment: Show Notes
Most men are never taught the real source of sexual fulfillment — so they chase performance, goals, or fantasy, while feeling disconnected from the deeper intimacy they actually want.
In this episode of Man Alive, Shana James and embodiment teacher Rob Kancler explore what truly creates sexual satisfaction for men (and the women who love them). They break down the cultural myths that keep men stuck, the role of body intelligence, why traditional “goals” around sex fall short, and how deeper presence, integrity, and nervous system safety unlock a completely different experience of intimacy.
You’ll learn:
- Why so many men feel unfulfilled sexually — even in “good” relationships
- The difference between fantasy-driven sex and deeply connected sex
- How self-worth, trauma, and cultural assumptions shape sexual patterns
- What women actually need to open, relax, and feel fully met
- How men can cultivate the kind of presence that ignites devotion and aliveness
- What “limitless” sex truly means — and how to access it
Whether you’re single, partnered, or wanting a more soulful sexual connection, this conversation opens a path to more pleasure, authenticity, and fulfillment.
Links:
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Connect with Rob
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Bio:
Rob Kancler is a sexuality educator, men’s coach, and somatic practitioner whose work bridges ancient wisdom, modern neuroscience, and deep embodiment. With more than 10,000 hours of training across tantra, somatic psychology, and ritual practice, Rob helps men move beyond anxiety, performance pressure, and cultural conditioning around masculinity and sex. He is the creator of the Men of Substance™ Blueprint, where he guides men to reclaim their natural erotic intelligence, build emotional and sexual confidence, and create relationships rooted in presence, attunement, and authentic intimacy. Rob has been featured on several podcasts exploring men’s sexuality, shame healing, and erotic aliveness, and is becoming a powerful voice for a more conscious, soulful approach to sex.
Transcript:
Shana James (00:01)
Hello and welcome to this episode of Man Alive. I’m your host, Shana James, and I’m excited to be here today to have a conversation about sex, sexual satisfaction, sexual fulfillment, and the missing piece of men’s sexual fulfillment, and actually looking at what sex is for, beyond what our culture feeds us.
When I was writing my book Honest Sex and looked up the definition of sex, I was shocked. I wanted to throw the dictionary across the room. I was so disappointed by how limited the definitions were, and how limited most of us are taught sex is supposed to be.
So I’m really excited to have an amazing guest here today, Rob Kancler.
Rob, I know you as a deep person — someone who doesn’t take the world at face value and who has a hunger for understanding the deeper, more real, and more authentic aspects of life. I love that you’ve been on this journey of exploring sexual fulfillment and satisfaction from a place very different than most people do.
Rob Kancler (01:24)
Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here. I’m curious where we’re going to go in this conversation.
Shana James (01:30)
Yeah. If we were to dive right into the heart of it, I’m curious: you’ve been looking at sexual satisfaction and fulfillment — what that actually is — as opposed to what we see in society.
Can you start with what you see the “masses” receive or believe about sex? And then we can get into what you’re seeing that we’re not seeing.
Rob Kancler (01:57)
Hmm… okay. So many different directions we could go, even from the start. I’m tuning into which path I want to take here.
One main thing that stands out for me, from what you’re pointing us toward, is how often I hear people say they’re not sexually fulfilled — especially when they’re honest, reflective, and really tuning into themselves. Not just answering from their minds, but from a place of:
“Am I living — or even on track toward — what I really want? Toward what would be most fulfilling?”
And even the question “What do I want sexually?” immediately invokes fantasy, imagery, myth — all these inherited, conditioned layers of what desire is supposed to look like.
Shana James (03:14)
Which, in my experience coaching people, often comes with a lot of fear. Many people are scared to even let themselves know what they want.
Rob Kancler (03:24)
For sure. And there’s also so much grandiosity and spectacle layered on top of people’s relationship with themselves.
When I ask men — and I mostly work with men these days — from a place of no shame, “If you had a magic wand, what would you create for yourself sexually?” the answers are often ludicrous. Extreme sexual scenarios that are completely far-fetched.
And if you set ethics or realism aside and just look at the core of it… most of these things aren’t going to create true fulfillment.
You can see it in the lives of the rich and famous — people who’ve had these extreme sexual lifestyles. They often arrive at a place of… emptiness.
Shana James (04:11)
Got it, okay.
Rob Kancler (04:23)
Yes — it just didn’t work.
“I did the thing. I had the 27 girlfriends from different backgrounds. I had the wild experiences. And I still feel alone and dissatisfied.”
And this doesn’t only show up sexually. You see the same thing with wealth, achievements, fame. There’s a mismatch between what people think will feel meaningful and what actually does.
Shana James (05:00)
Right. I’m still feeling… whatever it is. Lonely, disconnected, or that something is missing. Nothing feels truly meaningful or satisfying.
Rob Kancler (05:22)
Exactly.
So one layer of this conversation is about how outside-in self-esteem becomes a bottomless pit — a black hole of unmet longing. It never works.
But if we can step out of that whole paradigm, we get to look at:
What actually is fulfilling?
That’s the conversation I think is most useful — and where we can spend time today.
It’s almost like asking: What if our longings and yearnings and creative impulses actually do have a place of fulfillment?
What if we aren’t just hungry ghosts chasing hedonism?
What if there is a true sense of, “This is right for me. I feel fulfilled”?
Shana James (07:13)
Yes. And it’s likely not what most people think it would be — but that fulfillment is possible.
Rob Kancler (07:26)
Totally. If you ask the general public, most people imagine fulfillment coming from novelty, spectacle, variety — extreme sexual behaviors or endless options.
For some couples that might look like going on a sexual adventure together. But often it’s still built on the same idea: “More intensity equals more fulfillment.”
Shana James (07:50)
Right — a whole bender of novelty.
Rob Kancler (07:51)
Yes. Extreme experiences that are actually very different from what I perceive as an expression of love and aliveness.
Shana James (08:08)
So then, what are you seeing as the actual path to fulfillment and satisfaction? And what are the men you work with discovering as you help them unwind the original fantasy?
Rob Kancler (08:22)
There’s a lot of unlearning. Even in sex-positive education or the sexual liberation movement, there’s a focus on thinking your way into a fulfilling sex life.
The idea that fantasies are the ticket home — that they’re the roadmap for what your sex life “should” be — is very common.
Shana James (08:39)
Mmm.
Rob Kancler (08:50)
People are taught that discussing fantasies is the key to a spicy marriage. And while that can help — especially for normalizing and reducing shame — there’s a point where it becomes:
“Okay, now we need the schoolgirl outfit” or “Get the props” — and it’s like… is that actually what your nature wants?
Is that an expression of your essence?
Shana James (09:24)
Right. Get out the whips. And it can be part of it — nothing wrong with that.
Rob Kancler (09:35)
Totally. No judgment.
But the question becomes: How much novelty do we really need to feel fulfilled?
When does the pursuit of spectacle become a distraction from something deeper?
Because what I see is that it never ends. There’s always another fantasy, another toy, another experience. It’s a treadmill.
Shana James (09:53)
Right — just like you said. The same void. Yeah.
Rob Kancler (10:19)
Yes — it’s similar to addiction. It comes from a context of unmetness. It’s hedonistic indulgence, but it’s not really about actual fulfillment.
I’d say a cornerstone of my teaching — or my inquiry — is around the concept of integrity. And when I say integrity, I don’t mean ethics or morality the way most people do. I mean wholeness.
A sense of:
Am I intact? Am I in true authenticity? Am I in right relationship with my whole self? Am I integrated? Am I succeeding based on what actually matters to me? Do I even know who I really am?
So integrity — including sexual integrity — is the foundation of what I’ve been investigating. Who are we as sexual beings? What does it mean to be whole, complete, dignified, creative, empowered?
And to take seriously the idea that maybe — just maybe — this matters. Maybe there is real significance in having a truly fulfilling sex life. And maybe there is real consequence in not having one. I find that profound and…
Shana James (11:54)
I was just thinking about that in terms of when I work with couples and one person wants more sex than the other. They haven’t yet gotten to this place of: What would our sexual integrity be?
Beyond the fantasies, beyond costumes, beyond the surface. I often support people to look at the why — the deeper layer:
Why do I want this experience?
What is it going to give me?
What am I yearning for?
Rob Kancler (12:10)
Hmm.
Shana James (12:22)
What am I longing for underneath the act itself?
Rob Kancler (12:31)
Yeah. This is a huge topic. Even that one scenario — one partner wanting more sex — we could unpack for hours.
Often people jump to conclusions like:
“We have mismatched libido.”
“I’m out of that stage of my life.”
“This is just how it is now.”
But from what I’ve seen — and I’m sure you’ve seen this as much or more — once people start exploring different kinds of intimate experiences, those conclusions fall apart quickly.
Especially for women. Their relationship with sex and desire is based on what they’ve known so far.
If a woman is met differently — I’ve seen again and again — her sexual appetite and interests shift. And her relationship with her husband shifts too.
Shana James (13:44)
I’ve often theorized — and going through perimenopause myself — I know there are biological hormonal fluctuations. That’s real.
And I also imagine that if women — or perhaps all people — were actually known, cherished, understood, and met in the moment with love, curiosity, and a desire for their pleasure to blossom…
If sex were treated as a portal into healing, growth, passion, spiritual connection — so much more would be possible.
So much is left on the table. And I think if these things were happening, there would be less fade and fizzle in long-term relationships.
Rob Kancler (14:22)
Mm-hmm.
Shana James (14:38)
Less disconnection, more aliveness.
Rob Kancler (14:45)
Yeah. And it’s interesting, because everything you just said can apply to men as well. But it seems like men are more consistently horny than women throughout life — and that’s a generalization, not a rule.
I’ve met women with tremendous sexual appetite across decades, and men who don’t have strong libido. But I’ve also seen that when men get their hormones balanced, take care of their bodies, or stop being addicted to porn or ejaculation, their libido changes. Their craving changes.
But what we’re pointing to here is that in our relational landscape, men and women often aren’t meeting each other. Men feel full of desire, so they run with that desire in ways that are incredibly alienating for most women.
And the women who aren’t alienated sometimes go into self-abandonment or objectification. We see younger and younger women turning themselves into pin-up versions of femininity because they’re identifying with this distorted culture of male sexuality.
And this is a massive tear in the fabric of our world. There’s a myth that male and female sexual needs are fundamentally incompatible.
So people try:
- compromise
- sacrifice
- the “dutiful wife”
- the “good feminist” man trying to calm down his desire
- “just be better at foreplay”
- “be patient with her lack of interest”
Shana James (16:56)
Okay — so what else? These examples are powerful. What else is possible? What are you seeing?
Rob Kancler (17:01)
Yeah.
What I’m seeing is that when we start approaching sex from body intelligence — meaning treating sex as a body-based experience rather than a mental or fantasy-driven one — everything changes.
When couples practice physiological calm, closeness, and co-regulation as a regular part of their relationship… the whole conversation shifts.
If we’re belly-to-belly, breathing deeply, regulating together, cozy together on a regular basis — then we can truly see where each partner’s libido is.
When we come into embodied safety and physical intimacy — where we’re nourishing each other on a basic physiological level — finding a meeting point becomes so much easier.
You could say men often have a fiery sexual energy, while women tend to have a more complex or oceanic unfolding. I know that’s heteronormative language, but just for simplicity in this context.
And this shared embodied place becomes the soil for a thriving sexual partnership.
Shana James (18:18)
It makes so much sense.
Rob Kancler (18:29)
It’s simply a far more nutrient-rich and reliable ground to grow a flourishing sexual relationship out of. A place where…
Shana James (18:38)
And in common culture, this isn’t even named. It’s barely discussed.
Maybe in tantric or sex-positive communities — but most of us don’t grow up hearing anything about this.
Rob Kancler (18:56)
Exactly.
And this connects back to how mind-centric our culture is. We’re taught myths about what it means to be human — myths that don’t support actual wellbeing.
For example, I spoke with someone recently who is getting his PhD in psychology from NYU, planning to have a clinical practice and become a professor.
In his eight-year program, they literally never talked about somatics. Or the nervous system. Or the ability to direct your attention anywhere other than your thoughts.
The whole training was:
thoughts → beliefs → cognitive patterns → stories in the mind.
Shana James (19:38)
All mind-based.
Rob Kancler (19:52)
Exactly — like psychology equals the mind. There was no —
Shana James (19:59)
as though psychology is only the mind.
Rob Kancler (20:02)
Exactly. Which to me is so insane, because when you change the state of regulation in a nervous system, the mental activity is completely different. Anyone who has spent enough time in group fields will see that when there’s escalation or dysregulation in a group field, people get very heady. I just mean being in a group exploration.
Shana James (20:24)
Yeah. And again, “group field” — most people aren’t even talking about that.
Rob Kancler (20:31)
Right — being in a group of people in present physical space. I could frame it in different ways, but basically: being in candor and openness, exploring what’s actually happening in the room. What’s going on for all of us? What feels true and authentic? There are many ways to describe it, but the premise is —
Shana James (20:38)
You’re exploring the impact on each other.
Rob Kancler (20:55)
Yes. And it’s so obvious — if you’re in those environments and paying attention — that the thoughts people have don’t mean anything at all. You’re in a dysregulated nervous system, and the “leaves on that tree’’ are certain kinds of thoughts. They don’t mean anything. You can follow those threads forever and they’ll go nowhere. If you focus on coming back to resource and physiological calm, it’s like — what were we even talking about?
Shana James (21:24)
Interesting. So when you say they don’t mean anything, it’s like this extraneous noise — this babble in our minds made of everything we’ve absorbed from childhood on. It just goes round and round.
Rob Kancler (21:24)
Completely. Yes. Totally. Yeah. And —
It gets even weirder. Sometimes it’s related to the “upper limits problem,” as Gay Hendricks frames it — the sense that we only feel safe experiencing a certain amount of pleasure, success, or abundance. At a certain point we contract because we don’t feel okay being that happy or feeling that much pleasure. So sometimes the agitation or conflict in the body can come from that.
Shana James (22:04)
Right — this openness or pleasure, yes.
Rob Kancler (22:12)
Exactly. So chasing after, “We just had this conflict and we need to work it out,” is… maybe. But maybe you don’t. Who’s right? Are you right? Am I right? Is this wrong? That’s where many married or committed couples get lost. It often doesn’t matter what the conflict was about.
Shana James (22:34)
Most people don’t even remember what the conflict was about.
Rob Kancler (22:36)
Exactly. Terry Real has this amazing quote: the only sensible answer to “Who’s right?” in a marital conflict is “Who cares?” It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is: how do we work together to have a great life? That’s it. If you want to be right, take up debate — not intimacy.
Shana James (22:44)
Yes! You can either be right or you can be connected. The point is: how do we come together, enjoy each other, impact the world, and move beyond those babbling brooks in our heads?
Rob Kancler (23:04)
Yes. Move beyond is a great way to put it. Can we let things go and focus on what matters instead of getting nitpicky in endless mind loops?
This is the big shift in my personal life and in my facilitation work — the shift from being primarily body-intelligence-based to primarily cognitive-intelligence-based. Because —
Shana James (23:42)
No —
Rob Kancler (23:46)
If you navigate your whole life from cognition, the quality of your relationships and sex life will suffer. No way around it. If we don’t understand that body experience is equally — if not more — important than cognitive experience when it comes to sex and intimacy, we’re playing the wrong game. You’ll never “figure it out” with your mind.
Men want to understand women and how to please women. But if you’re trying to do that with your mind, you’re going to lose. You cannot understand the complexity of female sexuality from the mind. Training is useful — basic female anatomy and sexual anatomy is great —
Shana James (24:20)
Love that you bring that in. Yes, from the mind — exactly.
Rob Kancler (24:37)
Some general understanding of technique is good. But if that’s all you have —
Shana James (24:41)
There is nothing like being with a partner — whatever their gender, but especially for women here — who can be present and attuned to my body, heart, soul, spirit, all of it, in the moment. There’s nothing like that.
Rob Kancler (24:55)
For sure. And if you talk to enough women about sex, you’ll hear the same thing: “Some guys just know how to touch me,” or, “There was this one guy,” or, “I’ll never forget that night.”
Shana James (25:15)
And it’s not about the angle, usually — it’s about that presence. So how —
Rob Kancler (25:19)
No, exactly. If it were about the angle, then it would just be a Hitachi wand and someone with a 13-inch penis.
Shana James (25:27)
Right! And then I have to do something other than what’s arising in the moment, rather than co-creating or revealing what’s here.
Rob Kancler (25:37)
Which gets into complexity around masculinity and femininity. The masculine often has a drive — there’s a goal, even if we don’t know what it is. Many sex teachers say, “Let go of the goal,” which is important so we stay present and don’t override what’s actually happening. Presence and attunement are the ground.
And then, within that, there’s also an orientation — more technical components and a sense of direction.
Shana James (26:08)
I like the “yes, and.”
Rob Kancler (26:33)
Yes. And many men resonate with this: do you want your partner to have the most amazing orgasms possible? For sure. Definitely. Any man who says he doesn’t care — I don’t believe him. I’ve hardly met any men who don’t immediately resonate with that.
Shana James (26:48)
Yes, okay.
Rob Kancler (27:00)
Men want the person they’re with to have the most amazing orgasm she could possibly have.
Shana James (27:03)
And you’re saying this can be a new framing of a “goal” — not “We reach climax,” but something else?
Rob Kancler (27:21)
Right. What is the urge? How does it resolve? What is the creative impulse? What’s the completion?
It’s like a yawn — if you cut it off, it doesn’t complete.
Shana James (27:35)
How do we actually get there? Yes — the yawn that doesn’t complete.
Rob Kancler (27:50)
Exactly. Sexuality also has a completion, and male sexuality — based on my own experience and working with lots of men — requires impact. I don’t just want to thrust into a wet space. I want that and I want to feel the impact it has on her. That’s the completion.
Shana James (28:40)
Okay. So what I’m hearing is a shift from the goal of reaching climax to a sense of co-created impact?
Rob Kancler (29:04)
Yes — very nuanced. Many people associate climax with a certain kind of orgasm that isn’t actually connected to the deeper resolution or fulfillment we’re talking about. That deep satisfaction doesn’t come from the peak orgasms most people are used to. For men or women.
Rob Kancler (29:45)
So I think that’s just one layer of mythology and misunderstanding. It’s huge. It’s huge. And what I would say is: not only is that not it, but if you’re having those kinds of orgasms on a regular basis, your body becomes oriented in that direction — very dopamine-based, sensation-seeking.
To this question we were speaking about before we started rolling, What is sex for?
A lot of people orient around sex being for —
Shana James (29:40)
— which is huge. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Rob Kancler (30:05)
— for release and regulation. And there are ways to use sex for regulation that I think are supportive.
I use this framework in my teaching about the distinction between limited sex and limitless sex. It’s kind of a shitty metaphor, but it works to make the point: all that stuff you can do — the release, the peak, the blow-off — and it has consequences, good or bad or whatever. But that’s limited.
You’re not going to end up in the place where you experience true satisfaction and completion — real sexual completion — if you go that way. You can do that a million times. If it worked, you would have had that deep fulfillment at some point. But you haven’t.
Shana James (30:54)
I love you turning this on its head — that the completion or the resolution is in a different place than most of us were taught.
And that peak orgasmic state, on its own, isn’t actually that for most people.
Rob Kancler (31:05)
Totally.
No, it doesn’t work.
And the confusing thing is people say, “Well, I was feeling tense and now I feel better.”
And it’s like — the game isn’t over, the game is paused.
People say, “Well, in a few minutes I can go again.” No, no. I think it’s actually a few weeks before our bodies come back to that deeper place.
And this is true for men and women.
It’s not free. There are real consequences to this.
Shana James (31:19)
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Can you say more — what are the consequences you actually see?
Rob Kancler (31:42)
Yes, for sure.
So one very simple one — and we could get more clinical and talk about what happens when people are having these kinds of orgasms and relating to their vulvas or penises like this from a clinical orientation — and it’s not small.
There are huge, unarguable consequences from these masturbation habits, solo sex habits, and sex patterns over time.
But one thing that’s more fun to talk about is this:
What it actually takes to expand into different sexual ranges, or to have enough “juice” to infiltrate those ranges.
Basically — for people who don’t have this language — you have to get so super horny to go in the direction of true resolution.
Shana James (32:21)
Yes, yes.
Rob Kancler (32:35)
If you’re blowing it out or rubbing your clit all the time and having peak orgasms, you cannot get that horny.
Bodies don’t do that.
It’s an energy leak.
It’s like depleting the container of the essential material you need to go there.
We have to be able to sustain tremendous sexual charge to expand into these territories.
And that’s even in our language — “sexual tension.”
We’re inside a myth: there’s tension, then you climax, then you relieve the tension. And that’s what sex is about, right?
Shana James (33:07)
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
And then you climax and it’s gone.
I actually remember a decade ago when I was creating a class, using an image of a balloon:
Allowing yourself to expand to hold more — more air, more charge, more energy — rather than just dissipating it.
That sense of, “I’m so full I’m going to pop.”
Most people don’t have the experience of being able to feel more and more and more without immediately thinking, “I need to get rid of this.”
Rob Kancler (33:40)
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Shana James (33:53)
What’s it like to actually feel more without needing to get rid of it?
Rob Kancler (33:57)
Yes.
Yes.
And I think that our culture — which is fundamentally anti-masculine in some ways, or at least confused about masculinity — influences this.
A lot of men, in their desire to be honorable and have integrity, orient around diminishing their masculine power and vitality.
There’s this sense of: “I don’t know how to deal with that. No one has shown me how.”
Shana James (34:20)
Yep. Right — we should shrink.
Yeah.
Rob Kancler (34:30)
Exactly.
So it’s not only “How do I hold more charge?”
It’s “How do I diminish the source of my charge so I’m not in a problematic position?”
It’s super confusing.
Shana James (34:39)
Yes. Yep.
Right — versus being able to walk around with all of this energy, knowing you don’t have to suddenly direct it at someone or spill it on someone.
You can actually have that vitality.
Rob Kancler (35:00)
Yes.
100% totally.
So if we really were with the fullness of our potency and life force, what would that be like?
For a lot of people it would be uncomfortable — even scary.
And speaking to the female side: a lot of women feel unsafe with how sensual and juicy they feel.
Even just walking in a way that feels pleasurable — many women feel they can’t do that in most places.
Shana James (35:38)
Yes — in certain places.
Rob Kancler (35:51)
Right. So they shut down and limit the flow of aliveness and pleasure just to feel safe.
Shana James (35:56)
Right.
And when I’m working with women, it’s like: how do we help women feel their own strength and intuition, so they can sense, “Yep, this is a moment to bring that energy inward,” or “This is a moment I can be expanded.”
Whatever the gender — we don’t have to stay in one form.
Rob Kancler (36:12)
Yes.
Shana James (36:27)
We don’t have to shrink to be safe. But we also don’t have to avoid feeling our energy.
Rob Kancler (36:28)
Yeah.
One way to reframe that is: it’s about choice.
Being adaptive and dynamic, showing up in the way that’s most life-giving for us and others.
There are obviously situations where you don’t want to demonstrate how sexually alive you are as a woman — that wouldn’t be responsible.
But many women also shut down because of perceived unsafety that isn’t actually present.
It’s complex territory.
Shana James (37:13)
Yeah, we don’t need to go all the way into that.
Rob Kancler (37:20)
Right.
So circling back: when men are actually exploring and unlocking their full sexual power — how to do that with integrity, with honor, and in a way that channels toward contribution and feeling good in their bodies.
And also: how do I channel that in a way where I’m going to be met?
What if women not only want to meet you there, but doing so is for their greatest benefit?
Shana James (37:41)
Yes.
Rob Kancler (37:49)
Her meeting you there — fully receiving your sexuality and these ranges — is part of her expansion and awakening.
This is confusing for people because of subconscious forces, trauma, conditioning, shame.
Shana James (38:20)
Yes — it’s for her highest good.
Rob Kancler (38:41)
Right.
And how do we get out from under these invisible forces that make true fulfillment so hard — if not impossible?
It makes sense that people default to blowing it out.
Like, “I’m horny, I have a penis, might as well take the low hanging fruit.”
But there’s another part of this, where —
Shana James (38:54)
Totally does.
Right. So I’ll just do the thing. Yes.
Rob Kancler (39:11)
Human beings learn through contrast. We learn by being able to identify differences.
And when people are not around —
I’ll frame it like this:
I think most people have never even met someone who is sexually fulfilled.
So how would you even know, “Whatever that is, I want that”?
My former teaching partner wrote this in our marketing materials:
If your whole life —
Shana James (39:28)
Interesting.
Rob Kancler (39:41)
— the only food you ever saw was donuts, you would think food is donuts and donuts are food.
You’d have no idea why you feel so bad. You’d have no idea why you feel shitty.
And every time you’re hungry you’d think, “I’d love a donut.”
If someone asked, “Hey, want to eat?” you’d say, “Sure, I’ll take a donut.”
I think this is actually the sexual reality we’re living in.
People live in a sandbox and think it’s the real world.
It’s not the real world.
Shana James (39:44)
Yeah. Yeah.
Right — “This is what I need, this is the only option there is.”
Totally.
Yes. Okay.
So this is — we’re going to leave it kind of on a cliffhanger.
We’re going to wind down because we have to wrap up.
But I think this is brilliant:
This sense of, it’s like The Truman Show.
We’re playing in this sandbox that seems like it’s the whole reality.
And yet you and I both know it’s not.
Rob Kancler (40:11)
It’s a myth.
Shana James (40:40)
So okay, part of the solution is going to be where can people find you and how can they explore more.
But before that — why don’t you just give a minute or two of a practice or a suggestion?
Like, what would be the first step for someone exploring this?
And then we’ll talk about where to find you.
Rob Kancler (40:47)
Yeah.
Yeah, because it’s like, what do we do?
Someone might be listening thinking, “We agree — so what do we do?”
Hmm.
It’s an impossible task.
What I would say is:
To build on what we were discussing, learning how your nervous system works is incredibly worthwhile.
Because so much of what we experience psychologically and emotionally is simply what happens when you’re in a dysregulated nervous system.
So we could say —
Shana James (41:12)
Hahaha!
Rob Kancler (41:37)
This investigation is like the how of consciousness:
What is going on?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I think this way?
What is actually happening here so I can be aware and take responsibility for my life and create what I want?
If you don’t understand how your body works, how your nervous system works, and how that impacts other people, then you’re basically feeling around in the dark.
There’s no way to really take responsibility for your life without knowing some basic things about your body.
Otherwise there are all these unseen—
Shana James (42:13)
Yeah. Right.
How your body works and how that interplays with your psyche and emotions and all the things in your…
Rob Kancler (42:24)
Yes.
And back to this thing: so many men want the feral, liberated, confident, wild woman — but have no idea how to open that Pandora’s box of a woman’s liberated sexuality.
A big part of it is what we’re talking about:
For that to open, her body — not even her mind — her body needs to experience safety.
Shana James (42:49)
Tasty.
Rob Kancler (42:50)
Which can only occur through co-regulation with you.
She is sensing you so deeply.
And if you are not deeply present to your own experience and to hers, it’s basically impossible for her to feel safe enough to open that deeply.
So this synergy — understanding embodied relational safety and understanding how to get so super horny that you can go to these deeper places — that’s a winning combination.
Shana James (42:54)
It’s not happening in the mind.
I love it.
Rob Kancler (43:20)
Yes.
And from that place, so much territory can open.
I’ll leave it there.
Shana James (43:25)
Amazing. Thank you.
Thank you for being on the deep train, the unraveling-paradigms train, the recognition that sexual integrity exists — and for being someone who can speak to the depth and breadth of what’s beyond the fantasy.
The real foundational, “We could meet each other and be fulfilled” way that, like you said, many or most people have never experienced.
Rob Kancler (44:08)
Yeah, most people don’t even know it’s a thing.
Cool. Well, thank you for these kind words.
I appreciate the compliments and kindness.
It’s been a blessing — and a burden — but one I’m blessed to carry.
Shana James (44:10)
Yeah. Yeah.
So where can people find you?
Yes. Yeah.
Yes, I can imagine.
Rob Kancler (44:25)
So one thing I can mention is:
If this topic of integrity — or just generally, how to have a great sex life — is of interest, we made an assessment to help people reflect on the actual building blocks of a great sex life.
It’s a useful way to have a real mirror and compass.
The premise is:
If you have the wrong map, and you don’t know where you’re starting, it’s pretty hard to get where you’re trying to go.
So this assessment is a resource to look at:
What are great sex lives actually made of?
And where do I stand with that?
We’ll put this in the show notes, but:
bedroomcompass.com is where you can find it.
I’m also around on socials — my name, Rob Kancler, K-A-N-C-L-E-R — or robkancler.com.
Shana James (45:27)
Awesome.
Great. Thank you so much for being here.
Rob Kancler (45:32)
My pleasure. Thank you for the interview. I appreciate your interview style — it’s very present and engaging. Fun to play with you here.
Shana James (45:37)
Thank you.
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