Women often talk about their nightmare dating experiences and are shocked when I say that, since my divorce six years ago, I’ve found and dated high caliber men — men who are consistently conscious communicators, emotionally available and ready for commitment.
As I compared their painful dating experiences with the lack of creepiness, ghosting or dreadful dates I’ve experienced (even with online dating), I realized this was something to explore.
Note: I know many women feel hopeless about online dating, but as a single mom and entrepreneur who works from home, online dating has actually allowed me to date, since I’m hardly ever in places where I meet men, let alone available men!
As I dug deeper I saw it was not luck, but a combination of skills and perspectives I’ve cultivated as a dating and relationship coach, that has made my dating life more enjoyable.
Having spent 15 years coaching men on their love lives, I also have a unique insight into the minds and hearts of men and have a lot to bring back to women.
Here are the beginnings of simplifying the process for you to stop having dreadful dates and waste your time with men who aren’t a match for you. I promise it’s possible!
Avoid Dreadful Dates Foundation #1: Appreciate Men
The first foundation that allows you to call in conscious men comes from my access to thousands of men’s minds and hearts. I’ve heard fears and insecurities from men they often won’t tell another soul.
As a result, I am now certain that every man, no matter what mask or facade he wears, has a deep and vulnerable heart. This has allowed me to feel incredible appreciation for men, which is unusual in today’s social and political climate and it radically changes the experience of dating.
When you appreciate men and welcome their vulnerability (with the perspective that this is an expression of strength) it allows them to open their hearts, be more honest and care more deeply about you.
Men have said they feel this welcoming from me even through online messages and on first dates. I acknowledge and appreciate what I see in them, instead of holding it back with a fear of being forward or needy.
Instead of judging them as weak or unmanly I celebrate when they courageously share their hearts and they come to trust me. When they do something I don’t like I assume the best and get curious about their behaviors, rather than bringing my baggage from the past and saying they are “just like all men.” As a result, men say, they tell me things they never imagined they’d share and we quickly become deeply connected.
It takes courage and inner work to be able to receive a man’s vulnerability and still see him as strong. It takes practice to assume the best rather than the worst. But you can learn to do this and to inspire a man’s strength and a capacity to love that he didn’t even realize he had. This makes dating a totally different experience!
Avoid Dreadful Dates Foundation #2: Appreciate Yourself
The more I appreciate and see the best in men, the more incredible men show up in my dating life. But I see it’s not this alone. Foundation #2 is equally as important and it’s about how you relate to yourself.
Working with men, having access to the vulnerability beneath their masks, has caused me to question myself less and value myself more.
As I’ve become more aware of my deep perception, care and sensitivity (that we women share), I’ve rewritten stories from the past. These qualities caused breakdowns and upsets in past relationships (as they do for many women) but I learned to see them as strengths of womanhood instead of shortcomings.
Working with men I’ve learned to harness these qualities, rather than spontaneously express their wildness. They have become expressions of love and care that men can actually hear, and that inspire them to show up and grow!
Over these 15 years I’ve also learned to be simultaneously be strong AND vulnerable, clear AND soft, powerful AND surrendered. When I lean too heavily toward my strength I become independent and dismissive. When I lean too heavily toward my surrender I lose myself and my internal wisdom. In the middle ground is the balance that wakes men up and opens their hearts to be able to adore, cherish and love.
Balance is also important because it gives me a clearer sense of each man I meet, online and in person. My fears and past experiences don’t “drive the bus” and cause me to quickly push men away or rush into relationships.
The balance then allows me to courageously ask questions and gather information about a man’s level of consciousness without the skepticism, pressure or attack that shuts him down. It allows me to be vulnerable about my needs, which is inspiring to conscious men and supports them to share too.
Valuing your truth and your needs allows you to honor yourself and lovingly insist on being honored by men.
Let’s Get More Conscious Men For You!
Dating has been a journey of growth, spirituality, passion and play. While getting divorced was painful, and at moments terrifying, it helped me clarify my need to create loving relationships without losing important parts of myself.
It’s not always easy to speak my truth, but learning to do so in ways that create connection, rather than push men away, helps a lot. I’ve experienced incredible intimacy, beyond what I ever knew was possible, or saw modeled in the relationships I saw growing up. I want this for you too!
In addition to the two foundations to avoid dreadful dates, there are a few key things I do to keep creepiness out of my dating life and make sure I don’t waste my precious time. You can find them in my guide:
Feel free to contact me with questions.
I love sharing what I now know about men and I know it can make your love life more satisfying.