Out of the box intimacy: How to be close and connected when you don’t want commitment

If you've ever struggled to have the connection or sex you want with women outside of a committed relationship, this is for you! 

A recent client, who had barely dated in almost a decade, came to me as he was getting back into the dating game. He knew he wasn't ready for a long-term commitment. 

"I want to be connected and intimate with women," he said, "but it doesn't feel right to jump back into a committed relationship. I don't want to make promises I can't keep. I want to explore and date right now." 

"That sounds great," I said.

Then he paused and looked unsure, "But is it fair to women to have sex outside of a commitment?" he asked.

I appreciated where he was coming from and we dove into a deep conversation about what he meant by "fairness" and even what he meant by "commitment."

I just found myself exhaling a huge sigh. This is an intense topic. I have compassion for you if you were ever pegged as insensitive or disrespectful, or labeled as a player, for wanting sex without commitment. If you haven't, I'm sure you've heard about other men who have.  

There's much more here than meets the eye. I think part of the "player" label happens when a man, feeling shame about asking for what he really wants, doesn't stay connected or communicate honestly. 

Women can then feel hurt and make men wrong for wanting sex, without seeing the whole picture. 

I'm here to bridge the gap, so you can have what you want, and women can too.

Having what you want is possible when you shift from taking disconnected or fearful action, to acting with clarity, honesty and connection.
 

Untangling the Commitment Knot

If you find yourself resisting commitment, start to get curious. Ask yourself: "Committed to what?" What am I resisting committing to? Is there something I could commit to that would inspire me?

Also: What do I want? What is important to me? 

The word commitment is often used in an all encompassing way in our culture. Not wanting that form of commitment doesn't automatically mean you don't want any commitment. You may not but let's explore first.

My experience with alternative relationship structures has helped me understand that "commitment" can look many ways! 

You can commit to a woman for a minute, a day or a lifetime. 

You can commit your attention and your care. Or your passion and play. It doesn't always have to be a commitment about boundaries or how you'll interact with other women when you're not together.

So again, what might you be open to committing to? As you brainstorm know that no one is holding you to it, yet! 

How to have connection when you don't want as much commitment

To create connection with women, when you aren't as keen on a "fully committed relationship," start here:  

1. Get clear about what you want. Expand your sense of what is possible. Consider what is important to you and what you'd be inspired to commit to.

Note: This can be confusing since it's not always black or white. Or you may think something is impossible and not realize it's your own beliefs limiting you. 

2. Learn to communicate what you want with clarity and kindness, and without apology. Learn to hear and understand a woman's resistance to your desires without taking it personally or making yourself (or her) wrong. 

3. Get curious about whether your desires are in fact aligned with the woman in front of you. Ask her what's important to her. And listen well to her response! 

4. Let her know what you heard and think you understand. Check to see if you really got it. 

5. Determine whether it's a win for both of you to spend more time together. If it doesn't feel uplifting or inspiring for both of you, don't force it. If it's not a fit with this woman there are others it will be a fit with.  

It may not be easy at first

Out of the box intimacy and connection is not bound by conventional standards. You may wonder if it's worth it to go through these steps. I guarantee it is. It's not always easy, especially in the beginning, but when you learn to have deeper, more honest conversations with women, you can create connection and sex that's likely beyond what you've imagined to be possible! 

It does take a willingness to be clear about your desires, responsible for your communication and vulnerable with your heart. If this inspires you but you know you could use some help, apply for a coaching consultation with me here.