This week, I had an experience that reminded me of the delicate balance between how to trust yourself while also staying open to others’ perspectives. I picked up a new pair of glasses, and the moment I put them on, I knew something was horribly wrong. I could barely see through them, but the people at the store assured me that it takes time to adjust, and told me to wear them for a week.
I have worn glasses for forty years, so I knew, with certainty, that something was way off. But I felt a familiar internal conflict arise: Was I being difficult, or high maintenance? Was I overreacting? Should I just try to make it work?
I doubted myself, even though my body was giving me clear signals that something was wrong.
With the courage it has taken decades to cultivate I went back the next day, after trying the glasses again in the morning. They said the prescription was right, so I’d have to make an appointment with the optician. When I came back for a third time, to see the optician, he verified that I had been given someone else’s prescription. My instinct was right!
This experience was a powerful reminder of how hard it can be to stand up for yourself without feeling like you’re being rude, unreasonable, or “high-maintenance.” Good girls and Nice guys have been socialized to be accommodating, to not rock the boat, and to give others the benefit of the doubt — even at the expense of our own well-being :(.
As I think about the couples I have worked with, it’s important to trust ourselves without altogether rejecting others’ perspectives. To keep relationships collaborative, we have to find self-trust without giving up our open-mindedness. Here are a few ways to find that balance:
1. Listen to Your Body
Our bodies often know before our minds do. Whether it’s discomfort, a gut feeling, or outright pain, physical sensations are important to pay attention to. If something feels wrong, trust yourself. You don’t have to prove it to anyone, but as you talk about it, you can use the physical sensations as inarguable, and say things like, “My stomach is in knots.” I tell my clients that this goes over much better than calling someone a jerk, or telling them what they did “wrong.”
2. Stay Open, But Not at Your Own Expense
Yes, there are times when adjustment periods are necessary. Yes, others can offer insights we might not have considered. But that doesn’t mean we should blindly accept advice that contradicts our own lived experience. However, we don’t have to collapse in defeat or get defensive. Instead you can say something like, “I hear you, and I appreciate your perspective is different from mine. I also know my body, and I need this to be considered.” Learning to trust yourself doesn’t have to be an either-or equation. We get to advocate for ourselves, while simultaneously respecting others, which allows us to stay connected.
3. Assert Yourself Without Attacking
It can be tempting to prove someone wrong — especially if they confidently give advice that doesn’t work for you. But making someone “wrong” is not the goal. The goal with self trust is to maintain your integrity while making it more likely to get your needs met. You can be firm and direct without being rude. Saying something like, “I understand that adjustments can take time, but I need this double-checked because something is not right for me,” acknowledges their position and allows you to stand up for your truth. You might say to a date, or your partner, “I understand you feel that way, and it’s hard for me to disagree, but I see it differently.”
4. Reframe the Fear of Being a ‘Pain’
So often, we hesitate to advocate for ourselves because we are afraid of being seen as difficult. But let’s consider that. Is it truly being difficult to ask for what you need, when you do it in a respectful way? It may take energy or effort on someone’s part, but you are worth it, and you get to be clear and self-assured. When you recognize that speaking up is an act of self-care, rather than focusing on the inconvenience to another, it becomes easier to trust yourself and express your needs.
5. Giving Others Grace Allows You to Grow
The man who told me to wear the glasses for a week was doing his best. I’m sure he was following standard advice. It’s frustrating that he did not take the time to problem solve with me. That said, I try to use every experience as an opportunity to grow, practice, or support others. In this situation I practiced speaking up for myself, which is something I still struggle with. When we focus on our upset others we miss this opportunity. And while it’s usually not comfortable to practice or grow, we learn to create more connection and intimacy as a result.
To Have a Healthy, Connected Relationship, Learn How to Trust Yourself Truth While Allowing Other Perspectives
This experience reinforced an essential lesson: We don’t have to choose between either being agreeable or being self-assured.
We can be both kind and firm, open and discerning, respectful and unwavering. Thankfully, trusting ourselves does not mean we have to reject others.
One way to cultivate this balance is by practicing a simple check-in: Pause and take a deep breath before you respond. Notice what your body tells you — does it feel tight, uneasy, or uncertain?
If needed, get a second opinion from someone you trust, or ask for a different approach. Ask more questions, or give yourself time to reflect before you make a decision. The key is to trust that your feelings are valid as you gather more information about your choice.
Learning how to trust yourself allows you to let go of defensiveness, or the need to prove yourself or please others. It allows you to be strong and open hearted, so you don’t have to push people, especially the ones you love, away.