How do you stay in love when you disagree? In any relationship, disagreements are inevitable — but where do you draw the line? Can you love someone whose beliefs or values differ from your own? In this deep conversation, Sean Harvey (author of Warrior Compassion) and I explore how to stay connected even across painful divides. We talk about meeting the unmet needs beneath defensiveness, bridging polarization with radical compassion, and healing the divide — in love, in politics, and within ourselves.
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How to Stay in Love When You Disagree (Even on Big Issues): Show Notes
What happens when you discover that the person you love holds views that are different from yours?
What happens when resentment builds… or when you feel stuck between your values and your relationship?
In my latest Practicing Love episode, I had a powerful conversation with Sean Harvey, founder and Senior Strategic Advisor of the Warrior Compassion Institute and author of Warrior Compassion. We talk about what it means to engage with radical compassion — for ourselves, our partners, and for humanity.
Sean works at the intersection of men’s work, healing, and bridge-building across gender and political divides.
In this episode, we explore:
- The tension between loving someone and disliking what they believe
- How to shift from “work persona” to “human persona” — where real intimacy happens
- The 3 dimensions of compassion (toward others, adversaries, and self)
- How to see truth beyond protective layers — in ourselves and our partners
- How unmet needs for belonging, being seen, and feeling loved drive much of our conflict
Sean offers practical wisdom for navigating polarization — not just politically, but intimately — by expanding our tolerance, recognizing the wounds beneath defensive stances, and choosing the “truth of the heart” over the “ideas of the mind.”
This one goes deep. And it’s incredibly relevant for anyone dating or in long-term relationship right now — especially in these divided times.
I’d love to hear your reflections after you listen. This one goes deep into understanding love at its core!
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Bio:
Sean Harvey, MSOD, MSEd is the founder and Senior Strategic Advisor of the Warrior Compassion Institute and author of Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men, released in September 2023. With over 20 years of experience in organizational development—ranging from Wall Street to university faculties (Cornell, NYU, Baruch)—Sean helps men in hyper-masculine systems like law enforcement, the military, and corporate settings heal at the soul level and build compassionate leadership.
He holds an MSOD from Loyola University Chicago, an MSEd in Counseling from Fordham, and is an ordained interfaith minister. He’s been recognized as one of Philadelphia’s top 15 coaches (2024) and received the 2021 Saul A. Silverman Award in Conflict Resolution & Healing. His work combines trauma-informed facilitation, bridge-building dialogue, and deep storytelling—effectively creating pathways for resilience, compassion, and systems change.
Transcript:
Shana James (00:02):
Hello and welcome to this episode of Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life After 40.
Today, we’re diving into what feels like one of the most profound and relevant conversations: love and hate. I’ve been thinking a lot about how one of the biggest challenges in our relationships—whether romantic or political—comes down to how to stay in love when you disagree with someone. This could be in love, in the romantic sense, or in love, in the sense of staying in your heart.
How do we love the parts of someone that we really struggle with?
Is it even possible to love what we hate?
Or is that naïve—or even dangerous?
If we bring love to someone we disagree with deeply, will we get walked over or lose ourselves?
These are big, important questions. And I’m so glad to have Sean Harvey here today to explore them. Sean, thank you so much for being here.
Sean Harvey (01:11):
Thanks, Shana. It’s good to be here.
Shana (01:14):
Sean is a senior advisor and a strategist for men’s engagement. He’s doing powerful work in the world that we’ll talk about more today.
But first, I like to start by asking: Where are you in your relationship life right now? Are you single? Partnered? Anything you’d like to share?
Sean (01:43):
That’s a great place to start. I’ve been single for just over a year, maybe a year and a half. My last relationship was with a man whose political beliefs were on the complete opposite side of the spectrum from mine. And I learned a lot from that experience, including how to stay in love when you disagree.
Shana (02:10):
Mm-hmm.
Sean (02:12):
And honestly, I’d be open to dating someone across the political aisle again. The challenge wasn’t just the political difference—it was that his worldview was so extreme it reflected something much deeper than typical disagreement.
Shana (02:36):
Right, that’s such an important distinction. Political differences can exist within a shared sense of humanity and values. But when worldviews are fundamentally different, it’s a wider gap.
I can imagine you learned a lot—how to communicate across those gaps, how to hold love in your heart while your mind disagrees. There’s so much growth possible in that kind of relationship.
Sean (03:19):
Absolutely. The biggest lesson I learned was how to separate a person’s humanity from their beliefs—to know that someone’s views don’t necessarily reflect their core humanity.
Shana (03:29):
Wow. Will you say that again?
Sean (03:47):
Sure. I really had to challenge myself. When I realized how differently we saw the world, I asked myself: Can I still love the humanity of this man—even if I hate his views? I didn’t hate him, but I did struggle with his perspectives.
Shana (04:05):
That’s powerful.
Sean (04:06):
And I also had to hold compassion, knowing from my years of working with men that those kinds of views often come from suffering.
Our first real disagreement was about slavery—which gives you a sense of how extreme things were. And it got worse from there.
Shana (04:28):
Wow. That’s a lot. Hard to imagine it getting worse after that…
Sean (04:35):
Yeah. And I had to sit with that—how do I hold compassion for what kind of life leads to those beliefs? And where do those views come from?
Shana (04:55):
Yes. That’s such a profound question. And hearing this, I imagine some listeners might think, “Okay… maybe I can find compassion for my partner who doesn’t do the dishes, or for the ways we disagree about money.” Maybe we’re not as far apart as we think.
Sean (05:14):
Exactly. I think when people hold really rigid beliefs, they live in a constricted way. And that constriction can limit joy, freedom, and self-expression.
We talk a lot in men’s work about “constricted masculinity,” the “man box,” all these frameworks. But at the core, this restriction creates more isolation, loneliness, and suffering. So when I ask where these views come from, I’m asking what pain and fear might be beneath them.
Shana (06:10):
That makes so much sense. In romantic relationships, when we don’t feel understood, it can be really hard to find compassion. But the fact that you could find it at such a deep level is inspiring.
Sean (06:36):
Yeah.
Shana (06:38):
And I love the curiosity you bring—being willing to ask, “What’s underneath this reaction?” Can you open your heart and get curious, even before your own needs are met?
Sean (06:51):
Exactly.
Shana (07:08):
That feels like such an important shift.
Sean (07:08):
It’s a way of being. Last year I taught something called the Compassion Incubator. And in addition to writing my book, Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men, I often talk about compassion in three dimensions.
Shana (07:28):
Yes! I meant to mention your book earlier—thank you for sharing the title.
Sean (07:36):
No worries. So here are the three levels of compassion I work with:
- First, how do I strive to bring compassion to every interaction, every moment of the day? That’s the aspiration.
- Second, how do I bring compassion to my greatest adversary?
- And third, how do I bring compassion to myself?
Shana (08:32):
Wow. So self-compassion comes after compassion for an adversary. Say more about that.
Sean (08:46):
Well, that’s just how it unfolded for me. But in practice, self-compassion is often the hardest.
I once had a recovery sponsor who told me, “When you’re in your head, you’re behind enemy lines.” The number of negative thoughts we have about ourselves often far outweighs the positive—sometimes 3-to-1, sometimes 75-to-1.
So yeah, sometimes it’s actually easier to have compassion for a stranger than for ourselves.
Shana (09:53):
Right. And while strangers might be easier, it’s often hardest with those who are actively causing harm—or perceived as threats.
As a mom to a gender-expansive kid, I’ve watched my family struggle to rearrange what they were taught. And while I can usually find compassion, there are moments when it’s really, really hard.
Sean Harvey (09:58)
Right? I think the first level is just the aspiration. But the reality is that self-love is a never-ending saga for all of us. How do we love ourselves? It’s often still easier to love others than it is to love ourselves. So while we’re loving others, let’s not forget to love ourselves in the process—honoring our boundaries, our needs, our own end point.
Shana James (10:34)
Yes. That I 100% agree with.
Sean Harvey (10:56)
For someone who’s gender expansive, trans, non-binary, or in any marginalized community where there’s real fear of harm, I often hear the question: “How do I have compassion and love for someone who wants to harm me—or sees me as someone to be harmed?”
Shana James (11:18)
Right. Ooh, I just got chills in my heart. Say more about that.
Sean Harvey (11:23)
As a gay man who has worked with men holding extreme views—including extremists—I ask myself, how do I lean into conversations with people who are diametrically opposed to who I am? Sometimes it’s not even about me personally, but what I represent. They can’t be with that. And yet, when we offer love, generosity, and compassion, it can disrupt the image they already have in their minds.
Shana James (12:09)
Right. You’re saying through offering love and compassion, you disrupt the internal image they’re holding.
Sean Harvey (12:10)
Exactly. And that disruption can be powerful. I think of stories from former KKK members who encountered their first Black man—and that man offered kindness and generosity. It turned everything they had been taught upside down. They didn’t know what to do with it.
Now, this isn’t for everyone, but for those who feel called, there’s a courage in stepping into these spaces most people wouldn’t dare enter.
Shana James (13:02)
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately—even in the dynamics between men and women. As the gap seems to widen, especially politically and in younger generations, I’ve been wondering how we can create space for real conversations. How do we reduce this “othering” of one another?
Sean Harvey (13:31)
I actually created something a while ago called the Gender Bridge Building Studio. And as we live in an era of language shifts—what we can or can’t say, how we name and navigate identity—I think you’re right.
We often talk about what’s beyond the binary, but there’s still a lot of work to do within the binary—between men and women. To me, this is like allyship 2.0, but with a different spin. Before we even get into what allyship is evolving into, we have to acknowledge the polarized divide.
Shana James (14:04)
Even in the binary itself.
Sean Harvey (14:28)
Exactly. A lot of my work focuses on bridging polarized divides. And when I look at this globally, gender is one of the top—if not the top—polarized divides we face.
So I’m looking for new ways for us to come together. And instead of just talking about “male allyship,” what if we focused on gender allyship—being allies to each other, in mutual support.
Shana James (14:50)
Yes.
Sean Harvey (14:55)
For the sake of healing—not just empowerment. How do we help each other heal? That means listening to each other’s grievances, misunderstandings, and hurts. There are countless topics we could name, but ultimately it’s about learning how to become bridge builders.
A big part of my work is what I call “Men as Bridge Builders,” helping men take on that role.
Shana James (15:22)
Yes. That’s so fascinating. I’ve been having conversations with the Men and Boys Compassion Coalition, and we’ve been asking the same thing—how do we bridge that gap and create conversations between men and women? I love that you’ve already created something like that. We should definitely talk more.
Sean Harvey (15:42)
Yes, I think we’re entering a new era. And that means we need new models and ways of relating. A lot of the work I do in corporate environments is helping organizations reimagine engagement—not just through a DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) lens, but through well-being and resilience, which is ultimately healing.
Shana James (16:03)
Mmm. I like that. Healing-centered.
Sean Harvey (16:10)
And especially when it comes to helping men heal—even when I work with extremists. I’m not going to show up at a Proud Boys meeting or an Oath Keepers rally. But I will go where they work and where they worship.
Shana James (16:28)
Wow. That’s fascinating. So you’re not going into those organized groups as a whole, but you go into the places where these individuals live and work—their day-to-day lives.
Sean Harvey (16:40)
Yes. Especially in male-dominated workplaces—those cultures can be breeding grounds. They either attract certain mindsets, or the culture itself breeds them. Police and military, for example.
And on the flip side, I find that faith communities offer a different kind of openness. We can talk all day about conscious community, but it’s not the same as faith community.
Shana James (17:10)
Hmm. Okay.
Sean Harvey (17:11)
In faith communities, there’s often already a seeking—a desire to reconcile modern life with one’s faith or beliefs. And when I frame it as “bringing a soul conversation” into a faith space, people tend to be more open. They talk about these topics differently there than they might outside that context.
Shana James (17:51)
That’s really interesting.
Love and hate often seem diametrically opposed, but what I’m hearing from you is that we can be in relationship—even in personal dynamics—with those who are different from us. Collective dynamics are just personal dynamics writ large, right? That’s why I really appreciate practicing in romantic relationships.
Because if we can’t treat someone we love with kindness, respect, generosity, and care, how can we extend that to the world? And yet I know that romantic relationships bring up some of our deepest triggers—feeling unloved, abandoned, rejected. So… can we go back to the couple dynamic for a moment, as we keep zooming in and out?
Sean Harvey (18:57)
Mm-hmm. For sure.
Shana James (18:59)
Because I’m still curious: What are some of the things you practiced to bring love to differences or diametrically opposed views?
Sean Harvey (19:14)
The first time I really practiced this was with my father. When I came out as gay at 27, he didn’t talk to me for 14 years.
When we finally reconnected, it was awkward. That first reunion, my dad talked nonstop for five hours—telling stories so he wouldn’t have to ask any questions, because he was afraid of the answers.
At that point, I was holding a lot of resentment. He kept calling, and I was like, What does this guy want?
Then I had this moment where I asked myself: Sean, you have a choice—stay in resentment, or lean into love. Which do you choose?
And when I said, I’m going to lean into love, I started taking his calls, started getting courageous, started having honest conversations. There’s a certain point when I remember it was this conversation. And again, we were politically on different sides, but this was back. This was back, I think, 2016. So back 2015, 2016.
I remember he was just giving me all these like, just sound bites, political sound bites. And I just kept countering with facts. And there was a certain point when he, when I remember he just started laughing. I said, wait, no one ever calls you out on your bullshit, do they?
And he just laughed.
Shana James (21:33)
Wow, right—and that would never have happened if you hadn’t leaned into love. I don’t want to say you were “the bigger person,” but you chose the deeper, more loving path. And because of that, you could rebuild the relationship. That wouldn’t have happened otherwise.
Sean Harvey (21:50)
Yeah. I carried that forward into my relationship with my ex. It became this thing: I can either fight the views, or I can love the man. Do I need to be right—or do I care more about the relationship?
And after nine months, we realized we just weren’t compatible. Honestly, the breakup took 10 minutes. We said, “We’re not compatible.” “Okay.” Then we made dinner, we had dinner, we talked about all the good things in the relationship, went to sleep, and the next day I moved out.
So even the breakup—was with love. With respect.
Shana James (22:40)
With love, yes. And respect.
Sean Harvey (22:50)
I think it’s a choice. And one of the things I often say in this work is: I put my values and beliefs in my back pocket. I don’t lose them, I don’t lose my integrity—but I don’t lead with them. That way, even if I hear something I don’t agree with, I can stay open. I don’t react. I respond through curiosity.
Shana James (23:14)
Right, you don’t immediately shut down—which I think we do both politically and in our closest relationships. Bringing curiosity… “Let me try to understand this.” And also what you said earlier—separating the view from the human.
Sean Harvey (23:29)
Exactly. The humanity is who we are in our essence, our truth at the core.
The views come from faulty teaching, toxic conditioning, and the lies of the mind.
I had a spiritual guide once say:
“Our challenge in this life is to move from the lies of the mind, to the truth of the heart, to the wisdom of the soul.”
Shana James (23:54)
Ooh. From the lies of the mind… to the truth of the heart… to the wisdom of the soul. Yes.
Sean Harvey (23:58)
Yes. The soul is our truth—our infinite truth. When we get quiet and listen, we can tap into that well of embodied wisdom. That becomes our sacred compass.
So for me, spiritual understanding means this:
My job in this lifetime is to discover my truth beneath my protective layers.
Then to see the truth in someone else beneath their protective layers.
And to accept both truths as true.
Shana James (24:42)
Yes. Thank you.
Shana James (24:53)
Ooh, I love that. Because right—then both truths can be accepted, instead of thinking there’s only space for one.
Sean Harvey (25:02)
Or that one is better than the other.
Shana James (25:04)
Okay, I did have a moment when you were talking about beliefs and conditioning—where it almost sounded like you were making your perspective more “true” than theirs. How do you navigate that?
Sean Harvey (25:18)
That’s important. What I said was toxic conditioning, not toxic beliefs. Faulty teachings and toxic conditioning. Like what we talk about with masculinity—so many men are operating from outdated narratives about what it means to be a man. These narratives lead to constriction. They pull us away from our truth.
But when we’re living in our truth, not beneath the protective layers, there’s no “mine is better than yours.” It’s just that so many people are living in the false narrative of their truth rather than their actual truth.
Because… how do I say this…
Shana James (25:52)
Yeah. One of my favorite books is Undefended Love. It explores how we try to defend ourselves when something hits our ego or challenges our self-image. But when we slow down and get curious about our reaction—why are we defending? What’s under there?
It’s usually the protective layer—“I don’t want to be seen a certain way,” “I don’t want to be left,” “I want to be loved and desired,” and all of that.
Sean Harvey (26:29)
Exactly. And if we go one layer deeper, we ask: what wound is this hitting that’s still unresolved and unhealed?
One of the most powerful practices in my personal transformation work came from a teacher named Adonim Fisher. It was about identifying unmet needs. We’d ask:
- What was the unmet need in childhood?
- How do you react now as an adult when it gets triggered?
- And what is at the core of that unmet need?
We had 38 people in the room, and when we asked what the core unmet need was for each person, five themes emerged:
To be seen. To be heard. To belong. To be valued. To be loved.
Shana James (27:22)
Seen, heard, belong, valued, loved. Some version of that.
Sean Harvey (27:26)
Exactly. When 38 people all land on those same five, you start to see the shared humanity underneath everything else.
So when we’re met with lashing, bashing, or any kind of painful experience—compassion is the ability to say: “This is still a person with those same basic needs.”
And if I can see beneath the surface to that, I can see the person differently. I can tolerate more. Because I understand—what I’m hearing or receiving might be something they learned, experienced, were hurt by… and it created a new narrative.
A lot of the time, it’s unhealed. Unconscious. And folks are just trying to survive.
Shana James (28:29)
Right—trying to survive, trying to be loved and needed and all of that.
Thank you. I really appreciate the depth you bring to this work—to understand it, and to live it.
It feels… I was raised Jewish, so I don’t have a deep understanding of Christ. But from what I’ve studied—Christ, Mother Teresa, many spiritual teachers—this feels like that message. That the essence of our humanity is so far beyond how we project or protect ourselves. Beyond how we interact on the surface level of life.
Sean Harvey (29:22)
Yes. And one thing that’s really helped me is—I don’t conflate the work. I don’t try to fix multiple things at once.
I separate things out. For example, I separate feminist work from men’s work. Or anti-racism work from compassion work. Because this personal, ego-strengthening, soul-deep work—it’s pre-work for all the other work.
When we try to do it all together, it can get muddled. Because this work requires softening. It can feel feminizing. And that can be difficult when there are competing agendas in the same space.
Shana James (29:34)
What do you mean by that?
Sean Harvey (29:52)
I often say this particular body of work I do—around compassion, personal transformation, and ego strengthening—is the pre-work to all the other work. When we try to do it all together, it can backfire. Some of this work is softening—it can even be seen as feminizing.
Shana James (29:57)
Around compassion…
Sean Harvey (30:19)
Yes, and if we don’t do it intentionally, it can come across as emasculating, which can really turn guys off. It’s not about whether it actually is emasculating, it’s about the perception—do I feel emasculated or not? It depends on how it’s held, how it’s framed.
Shana James (30:38)
Right, and how you hold it—the view you’re inside of.
Sean Harvey (30:49)
Exactly. Especially when I’m doing counter-extremism work, we have to ask: What are we actually doing here? When we try to solve too many things at once, we can actually prolong the process. A lot of guys can sense, “You’re trying to change me,” instead of, “You’re inviting me to discover my own truth.”
Shana James (31:10)
Right. And that’s such a beautiful lesson for being in a partnership—feeling like someone is trying to change you vs. being supported in discovering and becoming your true self. That may or may not fit with what the other person desires, but ultimately I believe love wants people to become their full selves, even if it’s not who we wanted them to be.
Sean Harvey (31:50)
Yes. How do we give each other freedom—or even be a part of someone else finding their freedom?
Shana James (32:03)
Yes, agreed. Is there anything else you’d like to share before we wrap up?
Sean Harvey (32:17)
Just one word: courage. This work requires courage—especially leaning into the uncomfortable places. Real transformation happens when we bring courageous love without expectation of getting it back. It becomes simply how we choose to see and meet the world. And then magic can happen when we connect with others who meet us there.
Shana James (32:54)
I love that. I’ve been reflecting on this too—how recently my ex-husband, my new partner, our child, and I went on a vacation together. People are often shocked—“How can you do that?” But I think these principles are why it works. We bring love and respect, even when we disagree, even when we bump up against our differences. These practices matter—in romantic partnerships, in families, in communities. It feels like we’ve lost so much of that.
Sean Harvey (33:40)
We really have. So many people today are on the defense, expecting a fight—especially with someone who’s different. But when I bring openhearted, nonjudgmental curiosity instead, it can be disarming. People are taken aback. They ask, “Wait, what are we doing here?” And suddenly there’s permission to connect in a new way.
Sean Harvey (34:11)
I remember being on a podcast where I opened with, “Yeah, I’m a queer, progressive New Yorker.” The host said, “Well, I’m an evangelical Christian conservative Republican in Montana. How are we going to do this?” And I said, “Well, we just named it. So why don’t we jump in?” At the end he said, “Man, I don’t know what you did, but I’ve shared more with you than any other guest I’ve had.”
Shana James (34:39)
Beautiful.
Sean Harvey (34:40)
It’s really about the energy we bring. When someone expects a fight and we don’t bring one—everything can shift.
Shana James (34:53)
Yes. We’re not bringing the fight. Amazing. Where can people find you and support your work?
Sean Harvey (35:03)
You can find me at warriorcompassion.com. The book is on Amazon. Or honestly, the easiest way—find me on LinkedIn. Just search for Sean Harvey.
Shana James (35:20)
Great. Thank you so much. Deep, deep gratitude for your work, and for being in the trenches, going to the most challenging and scary places. Your courage inspires me. And I appreciate talking about everything from open our hearts to those with extreme views different from our own, to how to stay in love when you disagree.
Sean Harvey (35:38)
Thank you.
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