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#249: How to Avoid a Disappointing Love Life – Dr. Thomas Jordan

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Disappointment in one’s love life is a common experience these days. Divorce rates are high and many people are attempting to figure out where we’ve gone wrong – culturally and personally. Today’s guest has supported clients to heal their love lives and create healthy relationships for over 30 years.

Show notes

Almost everyone I know – myself, clients and friends alike, have had disappointing experiences in their love lives. Most of us did not receive much education about how love and/or relationships work, so we’ve been left to figure it out on our own. It is extremely challenging!

Did you know that you not only have a physical and emotional love life, but a psychological love life too? And that this psychological love life is one of the main contributors to creating disappointing and unhealthy relationships?

Today’s Man Alive guest, Dr. Thomas Jordan, is the founder of the Love Life Learning Center. He has been a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst for 30 years, specializing in the psychological treatment of unhealthy love lives. He is also on the faculty of New York University’s Postdoctoral Program in Psychoanalysis, and is the author of Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life.

In our podcast conversation we discussed:

  • What a psychological love life is and why you need to know that you have one
  • Unhealthy patterns in love and their antidotes
  • The painful after-effects of defensiveness
  • The Unlearning Method and how to use it to move beyond a disappointing love life
  • What happens when you try to change a partner instead of yourself

This week Man Alive hit 500k downloads! I’m so happy to hear from men that these conversations are helpful. If you haven’t left a review on Apple Podcasts, I’d be so grateful if you would!

Simply open the Apple podcasts app on your phone and scroll down to rate and leave a review. Or you can write a testimonial here.

Links:

Connect with Dr. Thomas Jordan

LoveLifeLearningCenter.com

Connect with Shana James

Honest Sex

Website: shanajamescoaching.com/3ways

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Dr. Thomas Jordan is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice in New York City. He is on the faculty of New York University’s Postdoctoral Program in Psychoanalysis, author of Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life and founder of the Love Life Learning Center. Dr. Jordan specializes in the psychological treatment of unhealthy love lives and has been studying them for over 30 years.

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What to Do When She Says “I’m not in love with you” – Steve Horsmon

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One of the worst moments of a man’s life is hearing “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” This episode gives you what you need for this moment and to navigate the upheaval of a relationship on the rocks or falling apart.

Show notes

If you’ve ever heard the words “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” you won’t ever want to hear them again.

This horrible moment turns life upside down and can call everything you thought you knew into question.

On this episode of the Man Alive podcast I was joined by Steve Horsmon, a coach for men who is an expert at helping men navigate this heart breaking situation.

In this honest conversation we talk about how men can (and need to) stop going it alone and…

  • How long a woman tends to think about separating before she tells you
  • The path to regain confidence after she drops the bomb
  • The important shift to make when you ask questions to understand her side of the story
  • Where to go for validation and affirmation
  • Actively creating a relationship so you don’t have to hear those dreaded words

Steve is a man whose perspectives I respect and whose tools really work. If you’ve heard these words recently heard these words, or heard them in the past, listen so you don’t hear them again!

Links:

Connect with Steve

Steve’s Site

Connect with Shana James

Website: shanajamescoaching.com/3ways

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Steve Horsmon is an ex-student, ex-engineer, ex-program manager, ex-corporate educator, and an ex-husband. He’s been a good guy his whole life. Like all good guys he worked hard, made a decent living and treated people kindly. He tried to please everyone in his path – especially the women in his life. He always thought that was the key to success, satisfaction and happiness. But he realized he was wrong. And what he learned he is now bringing to you by turning on the light for good guys who are struggling in their relationships with women. Steve is confident you WILL become the man you want to be and you WILL have the life you want to have!

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#200: A Decade of Relationship Lessons – Neil Sattin

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Episode 200 is an exploration of a decade of lessons I’ve gleaned from getting divorced and starting new relationships. I invited my friend Neil Sattin, host of the Relationship Alive podcast, on to chat about his relationship lessons as well.

Show notes

Today’s Man Alive podcast episode is # 200!
 
This feels like a big milestone and I wanted to do something a little different. I brought my friend and colleague Neil Sattin, host of the Relationship Alive podcast, to talk about lessons we’ve learned over the past decade of relationships and divorces. 
 
I sometimes find it challenging to share these lessons, even though I put them into practice on a regular basis. Maybe because my range of study and exploration is so wide (from psychology to tantra, spiritual practice and meditation to relational practices, breath work and other mind altering experiences to various coaching styles – including recently being certified as a Positive Intelligence Coach), or because some of it is humbling and personal…Whatever the case, this is a dip into my and Neil’s relationship lessons through our divorces and creating new relationships. 
 
We discussed:
  • Love, lust and partnership — the separate aspects no one ever taught me to assess to see whether a relationship really works
  • Understanding someone vs wanting them to be different than they are 
  • How to make the best decisions for yourself, and the role of your mind, body, heart and soul 
  • What it is to be a generous partner without losing yourself 
  • What conscious communication is and why relationships don’t work without it

I love supporting men (and people) to see what is possible in connection and intimacy. I want you to feel great about yourself and be able to create relationships that are deeply nourishing and powerfully intimate. I want you to feel like my client who emailed me today. He is two months into my yearlong Effortless Connection, Affection and Sex program and said he has spent his whole life wanting to feel the way he feels right now! 

So, have a listen to today’s podcast and feel free let me know whether you like this style or prefer the usual interview style. 

I also have one request to celebrate episode 200:

Earlier this year I published a book of some of the best Man Alive podcasts. It’s called Power and Pleasure: A Man’s Guide to Becoming a Confident and Satisfied Lover and Leader.

While it has sold more than a thousand copies I haven’t asked anyone to review it yet! If you have read it, I’d love for you to write a review to let others know what has been helpful or inspiring to you. If you haven’t read it, you can get your copy here and then I’d be grateful if you’d write a review!

As always, please let me know if you have any questions or if there is a way I can support you. 

 

Links:

Connect with Neil Sattin

NeilSattin.com

Connect with Shana James

Website: shanajamescoaching.com/3ways

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Neil Sattin is a healer, writer, and couples coach, and is also the host of the popular podcast Relationship Alive where he talks to the world’s experts on the topic of how to thrive in long-term relationships. His podcast is a source of inspiration and growth for people in relationships, as well as for therapists learning how to deepen their work with couples. Neil and his partner Chloe also created the New Love Paradigm.com, where they have created “Thriving Intimacy” – a 7-week online course that synthesizes the best current wisdom on deepening intimacy in relationships. Together they produced a course called “21 Days to Deeper Intimacy” for the website DailyOM.com. Neil also writes and plays music, trains dogs, and is a father to two lovely young children.

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#124: What to Do When She Says “I’m not in love with you” – Steve Horsmon

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wife wants a divorce

One of the worst moments of a man’s life is hearing “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Today’s podcast gives you what you need for this moment and continuing to navigate the upheaval of a relationship on the rocks or falling apart. 

Show notes:

If you’ve ever heard the words “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” you won’t ever want to hear them again.

This horrible moment turns life upside down and can call everything you thought you knew into question.

On today’s Man Alive podcast I was joined by Steve Horsmon, a coach for men who is an expert at helping men navigate this heart breaking situation.

In this honest conversation we talk about how men can (and need to) stop going it alone and…

  • How long a woman tends to think about separating before she tells you
  • The path to regain confidence after she drops the bomb
  • The important shift to make when you ask questions to understand her side of the story
  • Where to go for validation and affirmation
  • Actively creating a relationship so you don’t have to hear those dreaded words

Steve is a man whose perspectives I respect and whose tools really work. If you’ve heard these words recently, reach out to Steve after you listen!
If you’ve heard these words in the past, listen so you don’t hear them again!

I’ve watched people change in front of my eyes as I let go of what I expect their responses to be. Then I relate to them differently, usually with more honesty, compassion, curiosity and love. If you try this and have stories to share, reply to this email to let me know what happened!

Links:

How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Steve Horsmon is an ex-student, ex-engineer, ex-program manager, ex-corporate educator, and an ex-husband.

He’s been a good guy his whole life.  Like all good guys he worked hard, made a decent living and treated people kindly. He tried to please everyone in his path – especially the women in his life.

He always thought that was the key to success, satisfaction and happiness.

But he realized he was wrong. And what he learned he is now bringing to you by turning on the light for good guys who are struggling in their relationships with women.

Steve is confident you WILL become the man you want to be and you WILL have the life you want to have!


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#115: Making Divorce as Peaceful as Possible – Doug Memmott

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divorce without fighting

More than 50% of marriages end in divorce these days. It is one of the most stressful events a person can go through. Today’s guest talks about how to make it easier for couples to collaborate and stay peaceful in the process. 

Show notes

If you are considering getting a divorce, or in the middle of one, this week’s Man Alive podcast conversation is an important one for you. 

Having gone through a divorce myself, when I heard about the process Doug Memmott developed to support couples, I thought “This is genius!”

The legal process adds another layer of difficulty which can compound the pain and struggle. Doug has created a way to mediate between two partners with one carefully trained mental health professional who is skilled in dealing with the emotions and problems of divorce. It is called Parting Properly.

Separating from a partner, and sometimes in addition, a family, is rated as one of the most stressful situations a person can go through in a lifetime. It is second only to the death of a spouse or child. So I brought Doug in to discuss:

  • Perspectives to make divorce less painful
  • The most important commodity not to waste, even when going through divorce
  • How to shift from a combative process to a collaborative process 
  • Wisdom from Buddha, Benjamin Franklin, Victor Frankl and Don Miguel Ruiz 
  • Doug’s personal learnings from his wife’s death and son’s terminal illness

If you are going through a divorce I wish for you that it be as easeful as possible. Reach out to Doug if you could use  support in reaching the ideal divorce situation and to me if you could use some emotional support. 

Links:

Parting Properly

For Men:  3 Ways Men Lose Influence at Work and With Women

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Doug came up with Parting Properly, the Ideal Divorce Solution. It is consistently successful and the mantra is very simple: We mediate between both partners with a single, carefully trained mental health professional, who is skilled in dealing with the emotions and problems that arise in divorce. Everyone agrees not to litigate and we empower our clients to retain control of the decisions that have to be made, and to resolve issues based upon fairness and practicality.

Because of our experience and the rejection of litigation as a means of dealing with the divorce, we are able to cap our fees, putting us in alliance with the interests of our clients, rather than in the middle of a conflict between clients and attorneys, whose fees increase with conflict and delay. Parting Properly enables mental health professionals to use their skills to guide couples to mutually beneficial results.


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Divorce Support for Dads – Robin Choe

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divorce advice for dads

Divorce is challenging enough on its own. Add to that the responsibility to take care of your kids and navigate with your ex. Robin Choe gives hope for dads going through divorce!

Show notes

Having been through divorce myself I know firsthand it’s not an easy road. I also know from experience that it’s even more challenging as a parent.

It’s a time of transition, when everything can seem to be falling apart around and within you.

You may feel exhausted, defeated, hopeless or even want to end your life.

But I, and today’s Man Alive Podcast guest, wants you to know there IS hope! There will of course be challenges, but when you’re open to it life will bring you new people and experiences to support you, even amidst the pain.

Robin Choe has been through his own divorce as a dad and now hosts a group of thousands of divorced dads. The group offers understanding, guidance and people to lean on. You do NOT have to go through this alone. In fact you actually can’t. Going through divorce is often a time when men realize they can’t heal in isolation.

In our podcast conversation we discussed… 

  • Something you can count on every day you’re alive that will give you hope
  • What’s possible when you shift from “Why me?” to seeing an opportunity to grow and know yourself 
  • The importance of letting go of the”Nice Guy” persona
  • Balancing taking care of those you love AND yourself
  • Robin’s path into the darkness and back out into the light

Robin shared a quote by Lao Tzu that is an inspiring reminder: “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” 

If you’re going through a separation or divorce know that we believe in you and are here to support you.

Check out Robin’s website and my new guide: 4 Keys to Date After Divorce Without the Same Pain and Problems below.

Links:

Robin Choe

Shana‘s new report: The 4 Keys to Date After Divorce Without Repeating the Same Pain and Problems

Bio:

Robin Choe wrote the award-winning book: The HQ: How To Overcome Your Divorce and Be A Better Father

He is a men’s divorce and relationship coach, podcaster and serial entrepreneur who’s heart centered approach to life and business is beginning to catch wave. He is passionate about creating solutions to make the world a much more loving and efficient place by serving the needs of others.

He’s on a mission to normalize talks about divorce between families and within society, while helping the children thrive. He knows for men to pave the way they must turn inward to transform how they show up every day in their lives.

He helps hundreds of divorced dads get over the mental road blocks and traps they put themselves in, and fights to bring them out of isolation in some worst case scenarios.

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Believe in Love After Loss

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love after divorce

When a relationship falls apart, or a loved one passes away, it is hard to open your heart again. This couple is a hopeful example of finding love after loss and they teach others how to open to love again.

Show notes

While relationships are exciting and fulfilling, they also bring up our deepest fears and desires, in challenging and uncomfortable ways.

When you add to this going through divorce (or break-up), or the death of a partner, relationship challenges reach a whole new level.

How do you open your heart again when it can seem so unsafe?

What do you do with the grief, fear and pain you inevitably bring into a new relationship?

In today’s Man Alive podcast episode relationship coaches Chris Balthasar and Lisa Nicks Balthasar share about how they found each other after experiencing their own profound losses. They managed to stay open to love, though they admit at times it was bumpy and their faith and hope were challenged.

In this conversation we discussed…

  • How to open your heart to love after loss (divorce, death, etc.)
  • The necessity of appreciation to keep a relationship alive and intimate
  • How to expand beyond what your ego thinks it wants in a partner
  • The # 1 sex organ in your body
  • How to tap into your heart’s intelligence, in addition to your mind’s intelligence

I highly suggest this episode if you’ve struggled to believe you can love again, or if you want to learn more about how to keep a relationship alive in the long-term.

Over this holiday season may you remember that love is always possible, even when it doesn’t seem like it. 

Links:

Sacred Soulmates

Special offer for Man Alive listeners: FREE 30 minute Sacred Soulmate Coaching call +2019 $200 off the Todos Santos Mexico Sacred Soulmates retreat until January 15th. Mention #manalive when you sign up.

Shana‘s Guide for you: 3 Ways Men Lose Influence at Work and With Women

Bio:

“Soul Purpose Success” coaches, best friends, lovers, mirror soulmates, husband and wife. Both walk their talk, living fully in a deep loving “Sacred Soulmates” relationship after losing their beloved first soulmates to death and divorce.

Lisa Nicks Balthasar is an inspirational speaker, author, soul-purpose coach, and Co-founder of “Believe International, Inc.,” a non-profit organization, and Co-founder of The Heart of Manifestation retreat/workshops. Her mission is to inspire a deeper appreciation and discovery of the power of love and healing through “heart intelligence”

Chris Balthasar brings a varied depth of experience to his coaching abilities. He earned a B.A. in philosophy from Haverford College, and is an avid student of Eastern philosophy (Taoism and Buddhism), and a graduate of the Landmark Forum Advanced Course. He also holds a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

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