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#256: Why Men Need Their Tears – Gabriel Keczan

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The denial of the full range of emotions can be painful and isolating for men, and the people who love them. Men need the full range of their emotions to be healthy, but it’s not always easy to tap into them, especially when they’ve been taught not to. Today’s episode helps men understand the benefits of accessing their tears and other emotions. 

Show notes

As a man you’ve likely been taught to keep your emotions within a limited range. Men and boys are commonly told they are unmanly if they feel sad or afraid. Anger is more often allowed, but then there aren’t many places to learn to express healthy anger.

These limitations, lack of education and denial of the full range of emotions, can be painful and isolating for men and the people who love them.

This month in my group program for men, we are learning about and tapping into emotions. Through finding suppressed emotions they are reviving vitality and the capacity to connect in more intimate and fulfilling ways!

How comfortable are you with your emotions? And how easy is it for you to share them with others?

Today’s Man Alive podcast guest, Gabriel Keczan, is a speaker & mythologist, executive men’s coach, and a somatic therapist. He is the author of the international best selling book for men: Alive On Purpose: Unclench From Fear & Step Into Your Power with Backbone, Heart & Balls.

Gabriel and I talked about helping men be themselves, beyond the false masks you are encouraged to wear. We discussed…

  • The power a man finds between the bulletproof man and flow-boy archetypes
  • The impact of expanding your range of expression
  • The titillating magic of the unknown
  • Why your inner nice guy may be afraid of your inner asshole
  • The defects we project when we don’t tend to our wounds

When you’re done with this one, check out this episode on how to navigate a woman’s emotions! If you don’t allow your own emotions, women’s emotions become much more challenging and painful to be with. But women’s emotions can also be a doorway into accepting and expressing your own emotions!

Links:

Connect with Shana James

Honest Sex

Website: shanajamescoaching.com/3ways

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Gabriel helps married men fix the problems in the relationships, rekindle desire & avoid costly divorce. Gabriel Keczan is a speaker & mythologist, executive men’s coach, somatic therapist and family man living in the mossy mountains of Western Canada in a region known as the Kootenays. Gabriel is the author of the international best selling book for men Alive On Purpose: Unclench From Fear & Step Into Your Power with Backbone, Heart & Balls. He is on a mission to help men become better warriors & reverse engineer the systemic sedation of men & masculinity. He teaches men to pick up their swords and lead, in order to reconnect men with their deeper purpose; unlock the power of their vision; and leverage their leadership gifts to prosper with integrity.

Gabriel hosts Lionheart Mastermind For Married Businessmen Raising Kids. Gabriel & his wife have two young sons & two young adult daughters. Originally from Southern Ontario, Canada, Gabriel is also the co-founder of Sacred Pathways Foundation, a non-profit society created to restore initiation & rites of passage for men & male youth.

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How to Show Emotions Without Seeming Weak

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This episode is my response to a client who recently asked how to still be seen as powerful and masculine as he shared his emotions.

Show notes

I remember a date years ago where a man opened up with me and cried.

He let me see a part of him he was scared I wouldn’t like.

I listened to his pain and appreciated his vulnerability.

Later, he told me he’d never cried in this way with a woman who stayed connected and loving with him. Women in the past had become distant or upset. They’d even lost their attraction.

Women and men both have work to do.

I believe women need to learn to hold men’s emotions and vulnerability with compassion, instead of becoming cold or defensive. (Women don’t realize that under the surface they may be afraid of losing the strong person they rely on.)

I believe men need to learn to validate themselves and believe in their innate goodness, even when they feel overwhelmed or insecure.

But this is NOT easy. The wounds that create this kind of fear and defensiveness happen in relationships. It isn’t easy to undo them on your own.

I often support men with the overlap between strength and vulnerability. I help men talk openly about their struggles in a way that doesn’t give the impression of being weak.

Today I wanted to share insights from a client who asked how he could still be seen as powerful and masculine as he shared his emotions.

In this episode I cover:

  • How to feel the fullness of your attraction and desire without offending women
  • How Head / Heart / Body balance impacts your attractiveness
  • What happens when your heart is more open than your sexuality
  • What makes someone feel drawn to you WHILE you share emotions
  • The trap of thinking a woman is your only path to pleasure and happiness

After you listen I’d love to hear your insights. You can email me at shana [@] shanajamescoaching.com.

Also, if you need some guidance or support with confidently sharing emotions in a way that creates connection, rather than pushes others away, fill out this form and we can schedule a time to talk. I have two coaching spots available right now.

Links:

Connect with Shana James

Honest Sex

Website: shanajamescoaching.com/3ways

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

For 15 years I have coached nearly a thousand men — leaders, CEOs, authors, speakers and men with big visions. These men step into more powerful leadership, start and grow businesses, create more effective teams, increase their impact, get promoted, find love, rekindle spark, create a legacy, and become more personally inspired and fulfilled.

I’ve been known for my ability to assess, in just a few minutes, the cause of dissatisfaction and stuck points in your profession and love life. Then I create a clear and unique path for you to have true success and incredible love and sex.

Referred to by men as a secret weapon, I cut through distraction and provide direct access to your confidence, power and clarity. I am also a translator of “woman speak” and give you effective tools to transform conversations and dynamics that have gone awry into connection, affection and passion.

With an M.A. in psychology, DISC certification, more than a decade facilitating groups and workshops, starting multiple businesses and helping hundreds of entrepreneurs start their own, my range of skills is unlike many other coaches.

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How to Show Emotions Without Seeming Weak

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men and emotions

This episode is my response to a client who recently asked how to still be seen as powerful and masculine as he shared his emotions.

Show notes on men and emotions

In this conversation I cover:

  • How to feel the fullness of your attraction and desire without offending women
  • How Head / Heart / Body balance impacts your attractiveness
  • What happens when your heart is more open than your sexuality
  • What makes someone feel drawn to you WHILE you share emotions
  • The trap of thinking a woman is your only path to pleasure and happiness

Bio:

For 15 years I have coached nearly a thousand men — leaders, CEOs, authors, speakers and men with big visions. These men step into more powerful leadership, start and grow businesses, create more effective teams, increase their impact, get promoted, find love, rekindle spark, create a legacy, and become more personally inspired and fulfilled.

I’ve been known for my ability to assess, in just a few minutes, the cause of dissatisfaction and stuck points in your profession and love life. Then I create a clear and unique path for you to have true success and incredible love and sex.

Referred to by men as a secret weapon, I cut through distraction and provide direct access to your confidence, power and clarity. I am also a translator of “woman speak” and give you effective tools to transform conversations and dynamics that have gone awry into connection, affection and passion.

With an M.A. in psychology, DISC certification, more than a decade facilitating groups and workshops, starting multiple businesses and helping hundreds of entrepreneurs start their own, my range of skills is unlike many other coaches.

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Shana James Coaching – Learn the most important skill men who are professionally successful and have a fulfilling love life use every day

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Women long for this. Not many men can do it. + Personal Share

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There is something women long for.

It’s difficult to convey and even harder to describe.

But I will try. Because this longing is deep. It’s vulnerable.

AND it’s a doorway into a woman’s heart and body!

Few men know how to meet this longing. But if you don’t meet it, you miss out on a woman’s depth and passion.

When you learn to meet it, you get the exquisite experience of a woman’s heart and body opening to you. Which can nourish you and awaken power, pleasure and vitality within you, like nothing else can.

Alright Shana, what is it women long for?

One way to describe this longing is that it’s a deep desire to be known and understood.

Instead of trying to fix a woman’s problem or telling her she’s overreacting, it looks like taking the time to understand what she’s trying to show you. 

Another way to explain this longing is that it’s a vulnerable ache to be felt or attuned to.

Instead of “Don’t worry, it’s going to work out,” it looks like acknowledging what she’s actually feeling first, which could be as simple as,”You seem sad.”

Especially in moments when women are full with feelings (and afraid we might look a bit crazy to you) we long to have a man slow down, come closer, open his heart and attempt to really understand what’s happening.

Here’s an example from my past to help this make sense:

I was with a man I was dating. We had come inside after a lovely bike ride. Suddenly I felt a distance between us. He sat down on the bed and started reading a book. A few minutes later he rolled away from me and faced the other side of the bed. I wasn’t sure what to say or do.

I shared something in that moment about how I wasn’t sure how to relate to him, but it didn’t bring us closer. A bit later we were discussing what we’d do next with our day. He asked what I wanted to do. With tears in my eyes I said, “It’s not the what. It’s the how. Whatever we do I want to do it feeling connected to you.”

I paused and then said, “It seems like you go away, inside, sometimes. I don’t think I’m imagining it but I’m not sure. It feels jarring and I don’t know how to relate to you in those moments.”

Tears started streaming down my face.

He sat there quietly for a moment and then pulled me to him. He held me and silently looked into my eyes. I could see he was thinking.

Then he spoke to exactly what had happened:

“I can see how starting to read a book when we came back in the room, and then rolling away from you toward the other side of the bed, could have felt rejecting,” he said.

He spoke to what I was feeling with warmth and care! “Yes,” I said. 

“You are a sensitive and beautiful woman. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with anyone who has been attuned to me the way you are,” he said.

He acknowledged my sensitivity as a strength. “Thank you,” I said.

He continued to hold me close. “I love feeling how tender you get when you’re emotional. Your body won’t quite open to me,” he said.

He noticed the subtleties of my body and emotions. And even beyond noticing, he appreciated them, even what could have been seen as negative. 

More tears rolled down my face. But this time they were tears of my heart and body relaxing open. The fact that he “got” me so completely, melted me. 

Because he so beautifully met this longing of mine, to be understood, felt and cared for, in just a few minutes we were reconnected. The spark that had been dull was now fully lit. I wanted nothing else in that moment but to make love with him. And not only were we turned on again, but we were closer and more connected than we’d ever been!

How can YOU meet this longing in women?

This takes some learning, and it’s not for everyone, but you can do this.

You can communicate with women so they feel cared for, understood and appreciated! You can connect with women in a way where they feel safe and open their hearts and bodies with you.

The most important pieces to make this happen are:

1. Being aware of your own emotions and sensations and able to communicate them
2. Sensing what a woman is feeling in the moment
3. Staying present and grounded in the face of a woman’s emotions
4. Responding without defending or trying to prove you’re goodness
5. Seeing the positive intention and appreciating something about her expression

This may seem complicated. It does take courage and strength to connect in such a loving way, but it’s also a more exciting way of relating than most men ever experience. And that’s why I’m here. The short-cut to learning this is to practice with a woman who is an expert at giving you clear and useful feedback, to hone your skills.

If you’re ready to create more inspiring and intimate connections with women, fill out an application to schedule a conversation with me. I have 3 VIP coaching spots available starting in June

Apply here for your VIP coaching consultation

When you cultivate the ability to stay connected with women when they’re emotional, even if it’s tense and scary, women will open to you more and more. Women start to feel drawn to, and even devoted, to you. My clients have also found that learning this increases success in other areas of their lives too — career, finances, health. It’s a powerful skill to have.

Here’s to you having more of what you want!

A Vulnerable Share + Navigate Sex & Love Over the Holidays

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Last week I unexpectedly cried with a man I was meeting for the second time!

When he asked “How are you?” my eyes suddenly filled with tears I didn’t realize were there.

As tears rolled down my cheeks I felt the intensity of the holidays and how they’re NOT always full of joy.

I recalled that the past few years, since my marriage ended, this is the time of year when I tap into sadness about life not looking like I thought it would — I don’t have the two-parent family I envisioned, or the second kid.

It’s not always easy to feel these moments of heart-ache, but each time I allow myself to, something powerful happens.

I look around and see the incredible web of support, connection, friendship and passion. I see my amazing little boy. I see that I’m doing work I love. I see that there’s actually nothing missing and that I’ve created a life full of intimacy, love and family, even though it looks different than I thought it would.

How’s life feeling to you as we enter the holiday season?

Are you suddenly aware of desires or feelings you hadn’t noticed before?

I urge you to pay attention to your heart. Rather than overriding or ignoring these feelings, remember that every feeling of sadness or disappointment is actually a guide to a more fulfilling life and love.

If you find yourself wanting sex AND love that are deeply satisfying, I have a couple things for you:

1. I opened up my last three slots in 2015 for you to get my support to have the sex AND love you want, this time around. Apply for one here.

2. Next year will start with an incredible event, the Men‘s Sexual Satisfaction Summit. It’s a free virtual event in January where 20 top sex and dating experts will cover topics like how to:

  • Become multi-orgasmic and last longer…for more pleasure in bed

  • Have more intimacy and passion by getting honest in the bedroom

  • Navigate women’s emotions (before, during and after sex)

  • Be dominant in a way that inspires women to surrender to you

  • Ask for and get what you want in bed (from your wild fantasies to more loving connection)

This is the most exciting event I’ve ever put together. You definitely don’t want to miss it. Keep an eye out for emails and information starting in early January.

For now, be gentle with yourself this holiday season. Holidays can be challenging, even amidst all the celebration. If you want some support, get some here.

With love,

Shana

Is this what women need from a man?

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Dear Shana,

There is an idea of “feminine” and “masculine” and how the woman is crazy and the man holds solid space so the feminine can go nuts. Is this what women need from a man? A man who will stick around when we lose our shi*?

Amy

Dear Amy,

This is a complicated topic and I commend your desire to figure this out! I find myself laughing and cringing at the same time as I think about my past experiences of “feminine expression” with men.

The lens of seeing women as crazy or nuts is itself really destructive for relationships. Just because women are more emotional than men, we are not crazy. This lens tends to have women beat themselves up or hide what they feel, rather than learn to productively communicate and express their feelings, which keeps men at a distance.

Some teachers talk about men holding space for women. It is powerful when a man can love and appreciate a woman’s feelings, rather than try to fix or change her. But that doesn’t mean he should do this if her expression is shaming or disrespecting him.

The best way for a man to hold space for a woman is for the two of you to create agreements with consciousness and forethought. (Notes: 1. A woman can do this for a man also. 2. Don’t try to do this in the midst of an emotional eruption, especially one where you are frustrated or angry.)

I suggest choosing a time when emotions are calm and having a conversation that includes these parts:

1. Set limits: 

Each person who plans to “hold space” for the other person’s emotions states limits or boundaries about what s/he feels up for holding. It is important to acknowledge your own limitations rather than thinking you can handle anything. Attempting to be “bigger than your britches” will cause massive break downs in trust and connection.

Examples:

  • “I don’t want you to call me names. If you do I will stop holding space.”
  • “If you bring past situations, rather than the current experience, I will make one request that you come back to the current situation. If you can’t, I will stop holding space.”
  • “When I hear the word f%&$ it reminds me of my parents’ fights. I don’t want to hear that word.”


2. Make requests

Each person who plans to express emotions makes requests about the way s/he wants to be “held.” These requests may or may not work for the space holder, but putting them out there makes it more likely that you’ll get what you want.

Examples:

  • “I love to physically express. Wrestling is an amazing way for me to move energy. I would love if you would let me push against you and play fight with you, with an equal and opposite resistance to what I give.”
  • “It really helps me feel free to cry when I see you look at me lovingly. I would love for you to look at me with acceptance while I take time to feel what’s happening in my heart.”


3. Negotiate:

Discuss the expresser’s desires and the space holder’s limits. Respect each other’s needs rather than thinking the other is weak or wimpy for not being able to hold anything. Get clarification about anything that doesn’t make sense. “I would love for you to look at me with acceptance” may not be clear enough. You can ask: “How would you know I was looking at you with acceptance?”

If you really love to use the word f%&$ and your space holder doesn’t want to hear that word, brainstorm together to find a word that has a similar feel. When you put two creative minds to the task you can easily come up with new ideas.

Then, when the time comes where someone is having emotions it is really helpful to:

4. Ask for permission in the moment you want to express:

It is challenging to be aware enough to have strong emotions AND be able to ask for permission for your expression, but the truth is people don’t always want to hold space. The more you express your emotion in a healthy and open hearted way, the more your space holder will trust you and the simpler your requests can become.

Sometimes all it takes is: “I’m about to blow up. Can you hold it?”

When you are new at this try adding more to your request:

  • “Do you have the energy to hold space while I cry, groan and stomp my feet?”
  • “I could really use a good cry. Are you available for that?”
  • “I’m going to lose my shit. Can I make noise and hit some pillows with you nearby?”

A couple more things to remember:

As tempting as it is to let go fully I’ve found it has its limitations and can create incredible damage between two people. Three tips for expressing while also maintaining trust and connection with others:

1. Blame, shame and disrespect don’t create healing. Be responsible with your words if you’re going to use them. Use “I statements rather than saying “You made me feel…”

2. Fewer words tends to work better. It’s hard for someone to feel blamed when you share wordless emotion.

3. Remember that you are on the same team. The idea is to release and create more connection, not to alienate or win a competition with the space holder. As you express, have some attention on the person you’re expressing to. Notice if s/he starts to retreat into fear or shuts down. Expressing without considering the other person may allow you to release but it won’t care for the ecosystem of your relationship.

We are each responsible for ourselves. If it isn’t the right time for someone to hold space for you, you don’t have to stuff your emotions. Learn to express on your own. You can scream in your car, pound pillows on your bed, cry in front of a mirror… Depending on someone else, especially one person, to be able to express your emotions, becomes problematic.

This gives you a foundation for how to start expressing and space holding. Each person is unique and this is a complex process. Don’t expect to be good at it right away. Get help from a coach or therapist if it doesn’t go well, rather than destroying the foundation of a friendship or relationship.

——

Phew! There’s a lot in there so I imagine you’ll have questions. Leave a comment here and I’ll make sure to answer.

With love,

Shana

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