This conversation seems to fly by, and we get to a lot of places in it. From being present to life, to how women can better receive men’s vulnerability, naming the fear, the idea of regular check-ins for relationships, sharing impact versus interpreting intention, and allowing ourselves and others to grow and change.
fear
A Man’s Path Through Fear – Ray Arata
Fear is one of the biggest things that stops men from having the success and intimacy they want. Becoming fearless is a far fetched goal, so it’s important to figure out how to move through fear when it shows up. This conversation with Ray Arata shows you how.
Show notes
Many men come to me with a desire to be fearless. They say things like:
“I want to talk with women (in dating or relationship) without feeling anxious or afraid.”
“I want to lead meetings without feeling self-conscious or thinking I’m not good enough.”
Men tell me they think they have to get over fear in order to be powerful.
I help them feel less afraid and more confident but I also remind them that fear doesn’t fully go away.
In fact, fear can be a guide, showing you what matters to you, or what your next step is to grow and mature.
Sometimes fear isn’t even what it seems!
A Surprise Lesson From Fear
Fifteen years ago, in the midst of workshop I was learning to facilitate, I learned an important lesson about fear.
I witnessed a man expressing loud, intense sounds — grunting and stomping around the room.
My dad was a quiet peacemaker type so at that point I hadn’t been close to a man in that kind of powerful, primal expression.
As he got louder I felt more and more anxious, to the point where I thought I would explode.
I ran outside and found my mentor there.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I gasped. “I feel terrified.”
He looked at me with a slightly amused look on his face.
“You don’t look terrified, he said. “You look alive and turned on!”
I started to open my mouth to argue but stopped. I paused to check in with my body.
Energy was vibrating and pulsing through my chest and belly. But I had labeled these sensations “FEAR.”
When I took a breath and allowed the sensations, without getting caught in my mind’s story, I realized I didn’t feel bad. I just felt A LOT of sensation.
I suddenly saw that it was more aliveness than I was used to and an internal alarm had been activated.
Danger danger, too much sensation!
After a few moments of breathing deeper I was shocked to find I was found the experience pleasurable!
The Path Through Fear
Sometimes the path through fear is simply recognizing there is too much life force (or energy) for the small space your body is containing it within.
Other times the path is finding the emotions the fear is covering over.
Whatever the case, it can create even more fear to explore this alone.
On today’s Man Alive podcast episode I talked with Ray Arata about a path THROUGH fear. Ray has spent thousands of hours guiding men to move through fear in the ManKind project and his consulting work. In this conversation we covered…
- The relieving truth you discover about fear when you understand it
- How to stay empowered when you find yourself caught in fear
- How to navigate fear of the #Metoo movement and current cultural context
- Who to surround yourself with when you’re ready to face your fear
- A question to ask yourself that could change your life
Also, Ray created a conference — the Better Man Conference — that provides men with resources, support and community to create an inclusive culture. This year it’s in SF and NY. I will attend the SF conference and would love for you to join me.
He is generously offering discount for the Man Alive community. The link and discount code are below.
Links:
Better Man Conference – Use discount code: ManAlive18
Shana‘s New Guide for you: 3 Ways Men Lose Influence at Work and With Women
Bio:
Ray Arata is a California-based integrative leadership coach, inclusion consultant and cultural facilitator. Ray’s personal mission involves going into the corporate world and getting male executives to stand up and stand strong when it comes to including and advancing women. Ray brings his passion for working with men to the very relevant topic of enlisting the engagement of men to support gender equality.
With over 10,000 hours of men’s personal leadership work under his belt, having led transformational workshops and men’s groups, and coaching men, Ray brings a unique and much needed experiential point of view that supports organizations in meeting men where they are and guiding them on an inclusionary leadership journey where women, the organization, and men all win.
As a co-founder of Gender Leadership Group, Ray is committed to the transformation of the gender perspective from which organizations engage with all stakeholder groups: customers, employees, investors, partners and the global community.
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Is This Common Habit Stopping You From Being Successful? – Tripp Lanier
[Read more…] about Is This Common Habit Stopping You From Being Successful? – Tripp Lanier
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Personal Share: I’m Afraid…
I recently heard the question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
It started a new exploration for me. Because while I don’t think it’s possible to get over or be done with fear, I am inspired to consider what I would do if the fear wasn’t there.
This morning as I journaled something fascinating happened. With the question “what would you do if you weren’t afraid?” rolling around inside me, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with fear!
At first I wanted to push it aside, to consider what I’d do if I was NOT afraid. But I decided to change course. Rather than avoid the fear or pretend it didn’t exist I went toward it. I faced the fear I didn’t want to see, or even admit to feeling.
Many fears, that undoubtedly affect my love life, were just beneath the surface. Part of me is afraid to share them with you. What will you think? Will you still trust me?
As a firm believer in guiding by example I’m going to anyway. We ALL have them and I know sharing my vulnerability makes it safer for you to do the same. (Notice what you do think of me as you read my fears — whether you trust me more or less, whether you feel closer or more distant from me.)
Now that I see these fears so clearly I trust myself more. And I have access to something new and surprising. I’ll share that too, but first the fears:
I Am Afraid:
I am afraid of attempting to join my life with another’s again.
I am afraid of turn-on fading, of unmet desires, of irritation and daily grind.
I am afraid of trusting another’s heart.
I am afraid that life will wear away at the thin, seemingly shiny coating two people start a relationship with, without which reality sets in again, reminding us that we are actually alone, will always lose another (whether to leaving or death), and that togetherness can induce more hurt and heartache than being alone.
I’m afraid that I am better from a distance and that if I don’t satisfy the physical, emotional and intellectual needs of another I’ll be left.
I’m afraid of being bored by another.
I’m afraid my desire for sex will be stronger than another’s and I’ll have to navigate disappointment when I want more.
I’m afraid I’ll start to sag and roll and my body’s age won’t cause the same arousal it once did.
I’m afraid I will want more care than will be offered, that when I start to feel more wants and needs I’ll run for the hills.
I’m afraid to lose myself, to not speak my mind, to have those small moments of turning away from myself that eventually lead to a complete loss.
I’m afraid it will be an effort to navigate emotional terrain, that I wont’ be able to separate from the others’ upset and I’ll be bogged down with it as though it was my own.
I’m afraid of being seen every morning without eyeliner and concealer, afraid that the tasks of shaving my legs regularly enough to stay smooth for a live-in partner will feel tedious and annoying.
I’m afraid of being annoyed at someone else’s physical mess – clothes, papers and stuff.
I’m afraid I could never live up to someone else’s dreams.
I’m afraid I won’t generate my own joy and will come to resent the other person for dragging me down.
The New and Surprising
Alright, now you’ve seen them. The parts I really don’t want you to see. At this point I don’t know whether you think differently of me. But if you (or I) spend your life hiding these parts, you never get to relax into being loved for who you really are. You’ll always be suspicious that someone will stop loving you when s/he finds out what you’re “really like inside.”
As I’ve dated and had relationships since my divorce I’ve been more tentative about it all. Relationships aren’t easy, especially as I’ve attempted to find the causes of relationship breakdown and understand what love actually is.
As I let my fears flow this morning I felt more energized, even giddy. I was surprised that what showed up next were my desires.
I found my commitment to a relationship without blame, shame or attack. I remembered that I have emotional and spiritual practices, mentors and communities to lean into. I realized that even though sharing my desires can feel like my life is on the line, it is also exciting and interesting.
I realized that I love time by myself and no longer need someone else to make my life good. I saw my longing for deep connection and affirmed even though my heart won’t always stay open, I know how to return to an open heart. In short, as my desires appeared I also had more trust in myself to create them.
To Fear or Not to Fear
Today, consider inviting your fears to the table. Write them down or speak them into a recorder. Keep going until you feel lighter or freer, until something else shows up on the other side.
Today, instead of trying to get over your fear, let it guide you.
Let us know what you find!
With love,
Shana