In this episode, I talk with Certified Sexologist Kevin Anthony, host of the Love Lab Podcast, about what men often miss about what women need to make sex great for them.
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
What Men Miss About What Women Need for Great Sex: Show Notes
Most men in heterosexual relationships genuinely want to please the women they love. But many don’t realize what actually allows a woman to relax, open, and experience truly great sex.
In my newest podcast episode, I talk with Certified Sexologist, and host of the popular Love Lab Podcast, Kevin Anthony about something that’s often misunderstood: What women really need in order to enjoy sex.
For many women, great sex isn’t just about technique. It starts with something more fundamental:
- Safety
- Trust
- Connection
- Presence
When a woman feels emotionally safe and connected, her body can relax and open to pleasure. And when those foundations aren’t there, sex can feel pressured, disconnected, or even stressful — even when both partners care about each other.
In this conversation we talk about:
- Why connection starts long before the bedroom
- Why women’s arousal is often fluid and responsive
- The importance of emotional intelligence in intimacy
- Why presence matters more than performance
- The physical things many men misunderstand about foreplay
- And how you can create more harmony and connection in sex
One thing Kevin says that I love: “Foreplay isn’t separate from sex. It’s a core part of it.” If you want deeper connection, better intimacy, and more satisfying sex, you’ll really appreciate this conversation.
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Bio:
Kevin Anthony is a Certified Sexologist, Tantra Counselor, NLP Practitioner and a Sex, Love & Relationship coach. For over 10 years he has worked with men, women, and couples to have the relationships of their dreams, and the best sex of their lives! He is also the host of “The Love Lab Podcast”, creator of the popular YouTube channel Kevin Anthony Coaching, and creator of the popular online course series “Power and Mastery” as well as other online courses for both men and women.
Transcript:
Shana James (00:00)
Hello and welcome to the Man Alive podcast and the Practicing Love podcast. I’m your host, Shana James. I’m so excited today to talk about sex and intimacy and what many men miss that women actually need. And I have certified sexologist and host of the Love Lab podcast, Kevin Anthony, here with us. I’m so excited to have you here. Thank you for being here.
Kevin Anthony (00:24)
Thanks for having me. I’m excited to talk about this.
Shana James (00:27)
It always strikes me that when I talk about sex with clients, we rarely get to the physical aspects of sex because there’s so much around what people need to feel safe and connected in order to ignite eroticism and intimacy. So I’m really curious what happens with your clients and how you work with them. And can you tell us a little about how you got into this?
Kevin Anthony (00:52)
Absolutely. My story for how I got into it is different from a lot of people. Most people who work in the space of coaching relationships and sex came from the traditional therapy world and decided they wanted to specialize in that, or they went out and got a certification and said, “Okay, now this is what I’m doing.” That is not at all what my path has been.
Shana James (01:13)
You —
Kevin Anthony (01:15)
I never intended to be a sex and relationship coach. If you had asked me 15 years ago if this was what I would be doing, I would have said, “What? Are you crazy? Where does that come from?” I actually came from the computer engineering world. That’s what I did professionally before I ended up doing this.
However, on the side I always had an interest in learning about relationships and sex. I spent years going to workshops, reading books, doing coaching with other people just for myself, experimenting, and treating my own relationships as love labs, so to speak. It was really just because I wanted to learn it for myself.
But what I noticed over time was that more and more people started asking me to teach them because they were witnessing what was happening in my life and my relationships.
Shana James (02:09)
Changes.
And it sounds like even in the bedroom. I mean, I know you’ve had certain experiences that some people may not have had — play parties and polyamory — and people hearing or witnessing you having sex and then saying, “Teach me. How do I do that?”
Kevin Anthony (02:26)
Well, it’s funny you mentioned that because what I was just about to go into was a time when I lived in a house with two roommates. One of my roommates had a friend over, and my girlfriend at the time — who later became my wife — was over. We were having sex in the master bedroom and she was very vocal, so there were a lot of sounds coming out of that room.
Later I came out and ran into my roommate and his friend. My roommate pulled me aside and said, “Can you teach me what I just heard in that room?”
So that started happening a lot. I often tell another story when people ask this question about how I was out in public with a girlfriend at one point and her young son. They were getting ready to leave and go somewhere else.
Shana James (03:03)
Amazing.
Kevin Anthony (03:20)
There was this guy staring at all of us. My protector instinct kicked in and I thought, “All right, hurry up and get your stuff together. I don’t know what this wacky guy is going to do.” So I got them on their way.
As soon as they were gone, he walked up to me and basically asked me a coaching question. I wasn’t a coach. I didn’t have a YouTube channel. I didn’t have a podcast. Nobody knew who I was. I wasn’t working in the industry. Just a random stranger.
Shana James (03:36)
Hmm.
You had a presence, right? People could feel what was going on. It’s like that When Harry Met Sally moment where she says, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
Kevin Anthony (03:48)
Ha ha ha! Right.
So in that moment I thought, “Okay, okay. I’m supposed to be teaching this stuff.” I started my own coaching practice at that point. When my wife and I got together, she was already coaching in the space as well, so there was a natural fit for us to blend what we were doing together.
That’s when things really took off as we started co-creating as a team. That’s how the YouTube channel got started, how the podcast got started, and how all the programs we’ve created began. It really came from the synergy of us coming together.
Shana James (04:30)
It’s so beautiful. Yeah, yeah — amazing.
So if we get to the heart of the matter instead of beating around the bush, what is most meaningful about this work for you?
Kevin Anthony (04:45)
The most meaningful thing about this topic is that ultimately I’m trying to create harmony, synergy, love, connectedness, and amazing sex between two people.
The problem is that when we talk about what men miss about what she needs in sex, you mentioned earlier that we rarely get to the physical stuff because we’re always talking about these other things. Well, those other things are exactly what most guys miss.
If you ask a guy, “What do you think she needs in the bedroom for it to be great sex?” he’ll probably come up with a bunch of physical things. Maybe she needs me to last longer, be rock hard, or —
Shana James (05:34)
A different kind of pressure, a different position.
Kevin Anthony (05:37)
Right, exactly.
The reality is that while those things can help, none of it matters without the other stuff that comes first. I know you have a list of things you teach that come first, and so do I. If you want to dive into some of those, I’m happy to.
I created what I call a little mini masterclass called What She Needs to Have Great Sex. It starts with safety. Safety is the most important thing.
So many men don’t realize that if she doesn’t feel fully safe in that moment, she’s never going to have great sex. She’ll either be too in her head, shut down, tense — there will be all these things getting in the way.
Shana James (06:12)
Okay.
Yeah, always.
Kevin Anthony (06:34)
When you mention safety to most men, they say, “Well, of course she’s safe with me. I would never hit her.” And I say, okay — that’s good, but that’s only one level of safety.
There are many other levels. For example, does she trust that you’ll use proper safe-sex practices? Does she trust that you won’t ejaculate inside her when she doesn’t want that?
There are a million layers of trust involved in sex, and a lot of men don’t realize how important that is for a woman.
If she feels tense or apprehensive, she’s not going to have great sex. She might still enjoy it somewhat, but will she fully let go and have those massive, rolling orgasms? Probably not — because she needs to feel safe.
Shana James (07:45)
Right. My body cannot relax unless I’m safe. And the path to those ecstatic experiences is relaxing, opening, and opening again. Without trust and all those layers of safety, it just doesn’t happen.
Kevin Anthony (08:06)
Exactly. And I think men miss how vulnerable sex is for women. Men have external genitalia, we’re penetrating, and we’re usually physically bigger and stronger.
For a woman to truly open — physically, emotionally, energetically — and fully receive a man, that’s an extremely vulnerable experience. It doesn’t happen without preparation like safety.
Another one you mentioned is trust. There has to be a very high level of trust.
Shana James (08:33)
Emotionally.
Kevin Anthony (08:59)
Yes. She has to trust you not just physically, but emotionally — that you can care for her emotional needs and hold space for whatever comes up in the moment.
Because sometimes when you reach those deep lovemaking moments, tears can arise. You might touch something inside her that causes her to lose it emotionally.
Shana James (09:25)
Yes, I’ve had experiences like that, and they’re profound. If I can go there, it’s incredibly beautiful.
Kevin Anthony (09:29)
They are.
But most men don’t know how to deal with that when it happens. They panic and try to fix it. And that usually makes it worse.
Shana James (09:37)
Right, because there’s nothing to fix. And if a woman doesn’t feel seen and understood, she may shut down.
Kevin Anthony (09:53)
Exactly. She has to trust that you can hold space for whatever comes up.
Shana James (09:55)
I love that you’re saying that. When people think about trust, they often think of it as a blanket statement — either I trust you or I don’t.
But when you break it down — like trusting that you’ll stay present, or that you won’t walk away — it becomes more nuanced. That can help people take things less personally too.
Kevin Anthony (10:42)
Yes. There’s really no such thing as blanket trust. There are levels of trust.
You might trust someone to borrow your car but not lend them ten thousand dollars. So when someone says, “Of course she trusts me — we’ve been together for ten years,” that doesn’t mean she trusts you in every moment or situation.
Shana James (11:12)
Exactly. Even after ten years, if you haven’t talked about trust, there may still be gaps.
Kevin Anthony (11:27)
Right.
And that leads into the third piece on the list: connection.
Safety and trust are built through connection. And this is another thing many guys miss. A lot of men mentally check out during sex — they’re thinking about porn scenes or fantasies instead of staying present with their partner.
If she doesn’t feel connected to you, she won’t fully open. And connection starts long before you ever get to the bedroom.
If she doesn’t feel safe, trust you, and feel connected, it’s not happening.
Shana James (12:49)
Yes — and that connection starts outside the bedroom. Especially as we get older or as hormones shift, the warm-up and connection beforehand become even more important.
And personally, I can’t separate who you are to me outside the bedroom from who you are inside it.
Kevin Anthony (13:25)
Exactly. For many men it’s easier to separate love and sex, but most women can’t. That’s an important difference to understand.
Shana James (13:33)
Yes.
Kevin Anthony (13:53)
So if a man thinks, “What’s the big deal? It’s just sex,” he has to realize that for her, it’s not just sex.
Most women need that connection to even want to go there.
One concept I teach is what I call a constant state of arousal. It’s the little things you do every day — hugging, kissing, appreciating each other, playful touch — that nurture connection long before the bedroom.
Shana James (14:35)
Mm.
Kevin Anthony (14:53)
One of the biggest complaints couples have is, “We’re exhausted by the time we get to bed and one person wants sex while the other has no desire.”
If you nurture that connection throughout the day, when you get to date night you might already be at a three on the arousal scale instead of a zero.
Shana James (15:27)
Right. What would you say to men whose partners aren’t open to that kind of connection, or who feel nervous about initiating those small moments?
Kevin Anthony (15:54)
Often it’s because those things haven’t happened for many years. When a man suddenly starts doing them, she doesn’t trust it.
Shana James (16:44)
Right. She doesn’t trust it.
Kevin Anthony (17:00)
If I work with both partners, I get them both participating so the trust builds together.
If I’m working with just the man, I encourage him to sit down and talk with her first. Explain that he wants to reconnect and acknowledge that the connection may have slipped. Then invite her into rebuilding it together.
Shana James (17:28)
Yes, I’m very aligned with that. Without the conversation, it’s hard to rebuild trust.
Kevin Anthony (18:16)
Exactly.
Honestly, almost every topic I discuss about relationships and sex starts with the same thing: having an emotionally mature conversation.
Shana James (18:43)
It really does.
Kevin Anthony (18:43)
People simply don’t talk about things. And when they do, it’s not always in a mature, emotionally intelligent way where both people are trying to understand each other and solve problems as a team.
Shana James (19:16)
Yes, together.
That’s why the first section of my book Honest Sex focuses on honesty and learning how to have these conversations.
Kevin Anthony (19:33)
Exactly.
Another non-physical piece we should talk about is presence. Presence is different from connection. Connection starts long before the bedroom, but presence is about being fully there in the moment during sex.
She needs to feel your masculine presence one hundred percent with her.
Shana James (20:19)
I can feel that even as you say it.
Kevin Anthony (20:32)
Right. Even through a remote conversation, you could feel it.
That’s the power of presence. And the moment that presence disappears, she feels that too.
Shana James (21:43)
Yes. It’s palpable.
Kevin Anthony (22:00)
And when she feels it disappear, her mind can start spinning — wondering what she did wrong or why he checked out. That immediately lowers the quality of the experience.
Shana James (22:38)
Yes. And that’s where mature conversation helps — coming back together and asking what actually happened instead of making assumptions.
I wrote about a moment in my book where a partner said to me, “You’re not really here, are you?” It turned out I had been at a funeral that day and hadn’t realized how much grief I was still carrying.
Once we talked about it, we were able to reconnect and have a beautiful experience.
Kevin Anthony (23:45)
Man, today’s show is flowing so beautifully because the interaction between the two of us is going in exactly the direction we’re talking about. You just said this willingness to flow with it, and the next thing on my list was what I call willingness to adjust. You could call it going with the flow or give it other names, but it’s the idea that every time the two of you come together, it’s different.
Too many men get into this pattern of, “Okay, here’s what we do. We take our clothes off, I lick you for a little bit, you suck me for a little bit, then we go straight to penetration,” and so on. You have to understand that there’s a reason women are often described as water — flowing water — because it’s always changing and moving.
What she wants in any given sexual experience isn’t necessarily going to be the same. Guys tend to get into routines with everything in our lives. It’s a masculine tendency. If something feels good, we think, “Great, let’s repeat that.” But for women, that’s not necessarily the case.
If you’re too focused on repeating the same pattern, you’ll end up wondering, “Hey, last time this worked. Why didn’t it work this time? Why is she upset? Why didn’t she orgasm?” It’s because you’re not paying attention to the moment and what the moment requires.
Being willing to adjust, shift, and go with what is alive in that moment is critically important to having great sex.
Shana James (25:12)
Yes, I love that one. I find that every day is different, every part of the month is different. And then throw perimenopause into the mix and suddenly nothing is where I thought it was.
If I can stay connected to my partner and we can be honest with each other, then it’s not a problem if something hurts that used to feel amazing. It becomes, “Okay, now what do we want to do?”
Kevin Anthony (26:07)
There’s a funny story I often tell to illustrate this point. Years ago, a friend of my wife and I started a supplement company — a nootropic company focused on brain performance. They were still in the testing phase, so he was giving prototypes to friends and asking for feedback.
He gave some to my wife and me. I gave my feedback, and then my wife did as well. She said that one thing she noticed was that she felt like she was always on her A-game — always full speed ahead.
At first that sounded like a compliment, but then she said, “I’m a woman, and I don’t want to feel that way all the time.” She felt the supplement was removing some of the natural change and fluidity of what it means to be a woman.
She asked if it would be possible to create different formulas for different times of the month. His response was, “Yeah, we thought about that, but we realized we’d have to make a different formula for every day of the month.”
He wasn’t joking.
Shana James (28:04)
Right — he was very scientifically oriented and thinking, “That’s way too complicated.”
Kevin Anthony (28:27)
Exactly. But that illustrates the point: women are constantly changing beings.
What I tell men is you can’t be frustrated by that. You can’t say, “This is ridiculous. Why do I have to figure this out all the time?” If that’s your mindset, you’ll always feel resentment.
You have to shift your perspective. First, treat it like a game. Make it fun. Think, “Okay, what can I figure out today?” As men, we love challenges. So take it as a challenge to figure out what will make her light up today.
Shana James (28:53)
Right. When you’re not basing your self-worth on “I have to get it right,” you can actually relax enough to play.
Kevin Anthony (28:58)
Exactly. Have fun with it.
And the second part is acceptance. You have to accept the nature of the feminine and who she is. Don’t expect her to show up like a man. If that’s what you want, go be with a man.
Shana James (29:35)
We can also acknowledge that everyone has both masculine and feminine energy, and people express them differently. But I feel what you’re pointing to — many men in heterosexual relationships get frustrated by the flow and change instead of riding the wave and seeing where it goes.
Kevin Anthony (30:08)
Exactly. And even in same-sex relationships you often see one partner taking a more masculine role and one taking a more feminine role, so these ideas still apply.
The key is appreciating the differences instead of wishing your partner were different.
Shana James (31:36)
I love that foundation of appreciation. Then it becomes, “How do we play here?” instead of “This again?”
Kevin Anthony (31:46)
Exactly.
Those are the main non-physical things I see men missing. There are a few smaller ones, but those are the big ones.
Shana James (31:49)
Are there any physical ones men miss?
Kevin Anthony (32:11)
Sure. If we’re going to talk about physical things, we have to start with foreplay. It’s the number one complaint from women: there isn’t enough of it.
Unfortunately, many men see foreplay as something they have to get through before penetration, which they see as the main event.
But foreplay is just as much a part of sex as penetration. It requires a shift in mindset.
Shana James (32:51)
Yes.
Kevin Anthony (33:08)
When I work with men around premature ejaculation, I tell them the same thing. Too many men see ejaculation as the goal. But there isn’t really a goal.
If there were a goal, it would simply be experiencing lovemaking together — however it unfolds and however long it lasts.
Shana James (33:11)
Yes — hallelujah.
Kevin Anthony (33:31)
Exactly. It’s a full experience. Truly great sex comes from appreciating the whole experience.
So you have to retrain your brain. Foreplay isn’t just something you do to get her wet enough for penetration. Foreplay itself can be an incredible experience.
Shana James (34:13)
Yes. Someone once described foreplay as core play — the main event itself. Especially in heterosexual relationships there’s so much focus on penetration and genital contact as the definition of sex.
Kevin Anthony (34:27)
Exactly. You have to learn to love foreplay and enjoy it just as much as any other part of lovemaking.
Shana James (34:52)
Agreed. What else physically do men tend to miss?
Kevin Anthony (35:00)
Another big one is lasting long enough.
The number one complaint is not enough foreplay. The second biggest complaint is that he doesn’t last long enough.
If you want her to look at you like, “Oh my God, what just happened?” you have to last long enough to get there.
Shana James (35:31)
Though lasting long doesn’t have to mean constant penetration. There are many kinds of sex, and penetration isn’t the only way.
Kevin Anthony (35:50)
Absolutely. That goes back to the foreplay conversation and expanding what we consider sex.
But here’s the challenge: studies show the average man lasts five to seven minutes during penetration, while the average woman takes 20–30 minutes to orgasm.
Shana James (36:14)
Right — that’s barely even warm-up.
Kevin Anthony (36:42)
Exactly. So when a woman says she can’t orgasm through penetration, I’m not surprised. If she needs 20–30 minutes and he’s finished in five, it simply doesn’t line up.
You can shorten that gap with good foreplay, but men also need to build stamina.
Shana James (38:54)
I also think mature partnership helps here — recognizing that sometimes someone lasts longer or shorter, and not shaming ourselves about it.
Kevin Anthony (39:21)
That’s true. If you’re working together as a team and things generally go well, an occasional off day isn’t a big deal.
The resentment comes when it’s an ongoing issue that’s never addressed.
Shana James (39:44)
Right. And beating yourself up doesn’t help either.
Kevin Anthony (40:03)
Exactly.
It’s like anything else in life. Even athletes have off days. The key is knowing you gave it your best effort.
Shana James (41:17)
Yes — that’s a great reframing.
Maybe we have time for one more physical thing before we wrap up.
Kevin Anthony (41:38)
The last one would be sex skills.
But sex skills come last for a reason. They only matter after all the other pieces we talked about are in place.
Most people never receive any real training about how to be good in bed.
Shana James (42:11)
Right — I remember your story about talking with your mom. I had a similar experience where my mom gave me a book about sex ten years after she meant to.
Kevin Anthony (42:24)
Exactly. So most people learn the hard way.
If sex is important to you — and for most people it is — then treat it like anything else important in life.
People hire golf coaches, yoga instructors, trainers, nutritionists.
Shana James (43:17)
Or they take classes.
Kevin Anthony (43:19)
Exactly. But when it comes to something fundamental to the health and happiness of a relationship, people say, “I’ll just wing it.”
Shana James (43:44)
And shame plays a role — thinking we should already know how.
Kevin Anthony (43:44)
But why would you automatically know? You weren’t born knowing how.
Someone taught you to walk. Someone taught you many things you think you “just know.”
Shana James (43:53)
Yes.
Thank you so much. This has been such a fun and important conversation. Sometimes when I talk about sex I worry it sounds shallow, but really it goes to the heart of how we connect — with our bodies, hearts, and souls.
Kevin Anthony (44:44)
Absolutely. Sex isn’t separate from the rest of your life and relationship — it’s an integral part of it.
Studies show that couples with happy, fulfilling sex lives tend to have longer-lasting and happier relationships.
If we stop marginalizing sex and start treating it as an important part of relationship health, we’ll have better sex and better relationships overall.
Shana James (45:12)
Yes, I love that.
Where can people find more of you?
Kevin Anthony (45:26)
The best place is my website, KevinAnthonyCoaching.com. That’s the hub for everything I do — coaching programs, products, blog articles, podcasts, YouTube videos. Everything is there in one place.
Shana James (45:44)
Amazing.
Thank you so much for being here.
Kevin Anthony (45:51)
Thank you for having me.
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