In this episode, I talk with psychologist and author of Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex. We explore how quickly we create stories about who our partner should be, and how those expectations erode connection, create resentment, and leave both people feeling like they’re failing.
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations: Show Notes
Most of us have had moments in a relationship where we think:
If they loved me, they would…
Why don’t they just get it?
Why does this feel so hard?
And underneath that is frustration, disappointment, and even a sense that something is wrong with them, or the relationship.
I just released a new Practicing Love episode with psychologist and author of the Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships and Hotter Sex, Eric FitzMedrud, that addresses something many of my clients feel, but don’t always know how to talk about:
Why your partner doesn’t meet your expectations (and what to do instead).
In this conversation, we unpack something I see all the time:
❤️ We think we’re relating to our partner… but we’re often relating to our expectations of them.
And when those expectations don’t match reality, it creates a lot of pain.
We talk about why your partner can sometimes feel like an “alien,” how differences in wiring and nervous systems impact connection, and why trying to get someone to change usually makes things worse, not better.
We also get into what actually helps:
- How to create more understanding (instead of more frustration)
- How to stop unintentionally triggering defensiveness
- What it takes to create real “win-wins” in a relationship
- And how to shift painful patterns, even if your partner isn’t changing yet
Many people carry a fear that they’re failing, because they can’t figure out how to make their partner happy. Others feel upset and unloved, because their partner doesn’t seem to consider their happiness. Some of us experience both!
This can shift when we get to know our partner more, rather than relating to their expectations.
This also can allow your partner to know who you are and what you need.
If you’ve ever felt disappointed in love — even when you care deeply about your partner — this episode is important for you.
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Connect with Eric
Bio:
Eric grew up in Minneapolis, where the diversity around him ignited his passion for diversity issues. After high school, he lived in India for a year while in the Rotary International Youth Exchange Program. He went to college in Colorado, where he met my wife. During college, he experienced a larger view of the world on Semester at Sea. He moved to the Bay Area in 2002 to begin his Ph.D. program in Clinical Psychology. His family is now settled in this area for good.
Eric became a licensed psychologist (PSY23669) through a circuitous route. He began with a strong interest in spirituality and human development during my undergraduate major in Religious Studies. He considered a more academic career but realized that what he really felt called to do was work with people one-on-one. He took some prerequisite courses for a year at Loyola University in Chicago and then began his Ph.D. in 2002 and earned his Clinical Psychology Ph.D. in 2008.
He loves his job and is honored that he gets to do work that he enjoys, that is meaningful, and which helps others live meaningful, connected lives.
Transcript:
Shana James (00:00)
Hello and welcome to this episode of Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life After 40. I’m your host, Shana James, and I’m excited to be here today with a dear friend and colleague, psychologist Eric FitzMedrud. He’s the author of the multi-award-winning book Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex.
We’re going to frame this conversation in a slightly amusing way—but I think as you hear it, you’ll understand. We’re going to talk about the “alien” you’re in relationship with. In other words, what it’s like to have expectations of someone you’re in relationship with that they will be like you — or to feel confused, frustrated, or disappointed when the person you’re with isn’t responding the way you want them to, the way you think they should, or the way you would.
So how do you actually navigate these expectations, confusions, and create connection and intimacy that works when everybody’s different — when everyone is their own unique flower?
Thank you, Eric, for having this conversation. And I just want to say as we start out, I really admire and trust you. I think you are brilliant, and anytime I get to talk to you and learn from you, I’m excited.
Eric J FitzMedrud (01:23)
I’m always excited to have a conversation with you — whether it’s being recorded or not. So I’m really happy to be here. Thank you for having me on the podcast.
Shana James (01:29)
Thank you.
Yes, yes. Okay, what do you want to say to introduce this “alien” concept?
Eric J FitzMedrud (01:37)
So, yeah…
I think there are two ways that I encounter this with my clients that are the most common. The first one is this idea of, “If they loved me, they would do this,” or, “Well, I would do X, Y, Z in this situation — why didn’t they?”
And that’s really often a misunderstanding of your partner’s world — their perceptual field, their emotional life, what they’re aware of, and what their skills and deficits might be. They are almost certainly different than yours.
I sometimes like to use this analogy: if you think about a professional musician and a professional accountant — these are people who are as different as a Chihuahua and an Irish wolfhound. I mean, they might both be dogs, but they are experiencing the world very differently.
Shana James (02:38)
I grew up with an accountant as a dad, so I’m like, ooh, they’re very different people.
I was even going to say like a llama or something — like a totally different…
Eric J FitzMedrud (03:05)
They see things differently. They walk into the same room and notice very different things. They express their emotions differently. They have different ways that they touch and different ways that they love.
And it’s really important that we update our perception of our partner. Who is this person? What are the expectations I can have of this person in different circumstances that align with their gifts, perceptions, and capacities?
I think sometimes, especially in extreme moments, we think, “Well, I knew they only saw things this way, but I thought at least in this situation…” — like when I’m losing my job or when my parents are in the hospital — that they would show up differently.
And it can be really hard to realize: no, actually, they are still themselves — even in extreme moments. They still have the same gifts and the same limitations.
Shana James (04:15)
Right — and the same blind spots or deficits.
One thing I’m hearing in there is this idea of updating. Sometimes I think we haven’t even clarified: who do I think my partner is? What do they have to offer? Where are their blind spots and skills?
Sometimes there’s just kind of a haze. I think of it sometimes like muggle versus wizard relationships — I don’t know if that’s nice — but it’s like people who actually study and think about the depth of relationship dynamics and emotional intelligence versus people who are just in relationships because that’s what we do.
So there’s that piece. And then there’s also expectations. “Expectations” is an interesting word, so I’m excited to hear you talk about it more, because I often feel like when we have expectations, we’re disappointed.
But it sounds like you’re using it differently — like once I know their skills and gifts, what can I expect from that person?
Eric J FitzMedrud (05:28)
Yeah. I mean, the challenge with expectations isn’t always just that they exist — it’s often that they’re out of alignment with reality.
If we bring expectations into alignment with reality, then we can actually be pleasantly surprised when those expectations are exceeded.
Like, “Oh, this was more emotional attunement than I expected,” or “This was more celebration or investment into my birthday than I’ve come to expect.”
But also, when expectations align with our partner’s actual strengths, it becomes much easier to cultivate gratitude in the relationship — instead of focusing on the gap.
Shana James (06:21)
Yes. Yeah.
Okay, so from what I’ve seen in coaching people, there’s no couple who’s like, “You’re exactly like me and you do everything the way I do.” So it seems like every couple deals with this in some way.
How do you help couples navigate this?
Eric J FitzMedrud (06:39)
Right.
One thing I do with couples — almost always in the first session — is ask how they met and fell in love.
And what I often see is that the thing someone loves about their partner is their strength… and the thing that bothers them is the blind spot created by that strength.
Shana James (07:15)
Mm-hmm.
Eric J FitzMedrud (07:17)
So, “I fell in love with my partner because they’re spontaneous — and it really bothers me that they don’t plan.”
Or, “I loved that they lavished me with gifts and spontaneous trips early in the relationship — and now it bothers me that they don’t save for retirement.”
Shana James (07:37)
Right.
Eric J FitzMedrud (07:39)
When we can remember the joy of those initial gifts, we can also recognize: this blind spot is the cost of that strength.
But what often happens is we stop paying attention to what’s working. Those gifts fall into the background, and we start focusing only on the gaps.
So it helps to return to the foundation of the relationship — to remember why we were drawn to this person in the first place.
Shana James (08:13)
Yeah… that’s really interesting.
So do you suggest that the cost is something we just have to accept? Or do you work with couples to create win-wins — like finding ways both people can feel fulfilled?
Eric J FitzMedrud (08:49)
Absolutely — we look for win-wins. But getting there can be a challenge.
Let’s say I’m the more planful person, and I love celebrating my birthday. And I’m partnered with someone who only looks at the calendar each day and then remembers what’s on it.
Maybe they didn’t grow up celebrating birthdays.
In that case, I might need to prime the pump. I might say:
“Hey, it’s two weeks before my birthday. I’d love for it to include these friends — here are their numbers. I’d love a meal like this. And I’d really like you to pick a card and write 50 words about what you love about me.”
Shana James (10:15)
Wow — that’s very specific. I like it.
Eric J FitzMedrud (10:19)
Right — but now I’ve minimized the cost. I’m not going to arrive at my birthday disappointed.
And sometimes, we also need to get certain needs met by other people. Maybe I have a friend who helps with the planning piece.
Or sometimes, it really is a cost I have to accept.
And then I have to ask: is this a cost I’m willing to live with? Or is it important enough that I create conflict to try to change it — or even risk the relationship?
Shana James (11:36)
Yeah.
I love the specificity piece. And I also believe we can’t expect people to read our minds. It’s wonderful when someone can attune to us — but not everyone works that way.
And there are also people who resist being told what to do. So that can add another layer.
Eric J FitzMedrud (12:28)
Absolutely.
And that’s where the real question becomes: how do we navigate this together?
“I know you don’t like being told what to do — but I also know you haven’t filled my bucket around birthdays. So how do we work with that together?”
Shana James (12:38)
Yes. I love that — how do we navigate this together?
And if someone isn’t willing to collaborate or care about your happiness, that becomes a much bigger challenge in the relationship.
Eric J FitzMedrud (13:11)
That’s a challenging relationship.
Yeah, I think we’ve kind of walked into the second way that I see the “alien” showing up in relationships — especially in long-term couples. I’m thinking people who’ve been together a decade or more, and it tends to get more intense the longer you’ve been together.
You probably think you know who that person is and how they function.
Shana James (13:38)
Yes.
Eric J FitzMedrud (13:41)
We often develop these rigid models in our mind about who our partner is — how they show up, what they’re capable of, and what they aren’t capable of.
And we begin to believe that’s just who they are.
Even if we’ve been in couples therapy or coaching, even if we’ve consciously been trying to make changes, we can still have these blinders:
“You’re not a person who does that.”
So when your partner actually begins doing something different, you don’t even see it. You might say, “Well, you wiped down the counter one time — I didn’t even notice.”
And it can be really important to turn that same lens back on ourselves and ask:
How much have I changed in the last 15 or 30 years?
How much am I trying to grow right now?
And is my partner noticing that?
Then we turn it back again and ask:
Am I updating my mental model of my partner?
Have I noticed how they’ve changed? How they’ve put in effort?
Am I celebrating it?
Because positive reinforcement is the best way to get more of what you want — even if it’s just small steps in that direction.
Shana James (15:03)
Right — am I actually celebrating it?
Eric J FitzMedrud (15:05)
Right. Because positive reinforcement is the best way to get what you want — even if it’s just closer and closer approximations.
So it’s a way of challenging ourselves to stay present. Not, “I know you because I’ve been with you for 30 years,” but: How are you showing up today?
Am I open to seeing you today?
Shana James (15:09)
Yes.
That is a really tricky one. I see so many people trying to shift from complaint or negativity — what they think will help them get what they want — like, “Why are you doing it this way?” or “You left your coffee cup on the counter for the millionth time…”
To instead finding the energy for appreciation and positive reinforcement, like, “Oh, I love that you put your cup in the dishwasher.”
It can actually be hard to generate that energy, even for something simple.
Eric J FitzMedrud (15:58)
It is.
And that’s why, on the other side, if you’re the one making the effort, it can really help to narrate it out loud.
“Hey, I know this is a small thing, but I just want you to know I put my coffee cup in the dishwasher today… because I love you.”
Shana James (16:31)
Oh… “because I love you.” Yes.
Eric J FitzMedrud (16:49)
Right? Do you notice how that changes it?
It shifts from, “Here’s evidence that I’ve changed,” into something that’s actually sweet and meaningful.
Shana James (16:49)
Yeah.
So sweet — instead of, “You asked me to, so I’m doing it for you.”
Even just the tone is different. And that sense of, “I love you and this is why I’m doing this” — that context matters.
I often talk about that with couples: give the context.
“I’m doing this because I want to be closer to you,” or “because I want you to be happier.”
Otherwise, we assume the worst about each other.
Eric J FitzMedrud (17:29)
Right. I’ve seen couples come in where both people are sincerely trying to change.
And I’ll follow up on homework. I’ll ask one partner, “Did you do the homework?” and have them describe it.
Then I’ll turn to the other and ask, “Did you notice the homework?”
And often — no one noticed.
Shana James (18:09)
Right.
Eric J FitzMedrud (18:22)
So then we talk about turning up the volume on the message.
Adding meta-communication, like:
“I’m asking you about your day right now because I know that’s important to you… and I’m trying to follow through on what we talked about.”
Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
Please notice — this is me making an effort.
Shana James (18:32)
Yeah.
And I find couples have so much more success when there’s that shared sense of:
We want each other to be happy.
We want each other to succeed.
We want good things for each other.
And then asking, why am I being defensive?
Why am I defending myself when that’s not actually what I want?
Eric J FitzMedrud (19:01)
Right.
And sometimes, because I want to meet your needs, I move too quickly to promise something I can’t actually deliver.
And here’s where we flip it:
Maybe I’m the alien in this relationship.
Shana James (19:15)
Mm.
Eric J FitzMedrud (19:30)
“Yes, I hear you. Yes, that’s a reasonable request. And I’m sorry — but I don’t think I can do that.”
That’s a hard thing to say.
To admit: I love you… and I don’t have that capacity. I don’t have that skill. I don’t notice that kind of thing.
And if we can say that ahead of time, it helps our partner understand:
This isn’t a lack of love.
This is a limitation in capacity.
Shana James (19:52)
Yes.
Eric J FitzMedrud (19:59)
And I think that makes it easier to receive.
Shana James (20:32)
I think it does.
And I also wonder — when someone says, “I don’t have the capacity” — is there a question of willingness?
Are you willing to learn this?
Though I agree, sometimes — ADHD or other differences — your brain just doesn’t work that way.
Eric J FitzMedrud (21:09)
Even personality differences can create these gaps.
For example, someone high in openness to new experiences paired with someone low in that trait.
Shana James (21:32)
Yeah.
Eric J FitzMedrud (21:35)
“Could you go to a new restaurant once a month?”
Maybe they can say yes. But will they enjoy it? Will they explore the menu?
Probably not.
You might get their body there — but not their enthusiasm.
And if what you really want is shared excitement, you might be better off meeting that need with a friend.
Shana James (22:20)
I love that you said that.
Not expecting your partner to meet every need — it’s just not realistic.
Eric J FitzMedrud (22:48)
Right.
And again, coming back to earlier — you may have chosen this person because they’re stable and responsible.
Those traits often correlate with lower openness.
So that’s part of the package.
Eric J FitzMedrud (23:18)
There’s one more way this shows up — especially when couples have been through pain.
Affairs, high conflict, yelling, shutdowns.
Even if one partner has changed — no more yelling, more regulation, better communication —
there can still be this feeling:
“I’ve changed. Why haven’t you?”
Shana James (23:59)
Mm.
Eric J FitzMedrud (24:17)
And this is where I use the metaphor of a feral cat.
Your partner might still be wary. Their nervous system remembers the pain.
Even if you’ve changed, it takes time for their body to feel safe again.
Shana James (24:31)
Yes.
Eric J FitzMedrud (24:47)
Just like a feral cat, they may get a little closer… then pull away.
And that’s normal.
Healing happens in small steps.
Shana James (25:23)
Yeah.
Are there ways you guide couples through that?
Eric J FitzMedrud (25:45)
Yes — through meta-communication.
Something like:
“I know we’ve had some hard moments. I understand if you feel cautious. I’d love to sit on the couch together tonight — but it’s okay if you’re not ready.”
So:
- validate the past pain
- offer an invitation
- make it clear it’s not a demand
Shana James (26:08)
Yes, I like that.
Eric J FitzMedrud (26:24)
And often, they won’t say yes right away.
Not because they’re playing games — but because their nervous system is testing:
Are you actually safe?
Can you handle my no?
Shana James (26:31)
That makes so much sense. Because if you respond in a huff, or you start to try to manipulate, or any of those things, then they go back to, okay, this is just more of the same.
It might look slightly different — different clothes, whatever — but it’s more of the same thing from the past. Versus: you are actually accepting my no, my difference, the thing that I actually feel safe with.
Eric J FitzMedrud (27:03)
Right.
That’s right. That’s right.
Yeah.
And what I’ll see when a partner does exhibit that regulation — when they give the “proof in the pudding” of an invitation without a demand — what often happens is the partner is over there kind of looking back and forth, coming back to themselves, questioning their own experience.
And then eventually, they might say a day or two later, “Hey, I really appreciated that you made that offer. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to take you up on it.”
And if you still respond with, “It’s okay — it’s there when you’re ready,” or “We’ll get there,” — right? A little bit of attachment confirmation, a little bit of patience confirmation, and still gentleness — then that offer becomes a gentle, standing invitation.
And it really reconfirms: this is a shift. This really is gentleness. This really is safety.
Shana James (28:00)
Yeah.
Eric J FitzMedrud (28:19)
And even when I acknowledge that I’m now the one creating distance, I’m still receiving acceptance, reassurance, and comfort.
Shana James (28:30)
Hmm, I like that.
One of the things I appreciate about you is that you really know the inner workings of the human psyche. And I see that you have so much compassion for really hard situations.
I’ve never heard you judge someone for having a very extreme reaction, or a strong personality pattern, or something like that.
Eric J FitzMedrud (29:04)
It’s really helpful to realize that most people are doing the best they can.
Even patterns that look maladaptive are often that person’s best adaptive response to something they’re experiencing.
And we easily fall into thinking, “I don’t know why they’re getting defensive.”
Well — it’s because they perceive you as a threat.
Shana James (29:34)
Yeah.
Eric J FitzMedrud (29:54)
“Well, I’m not a threat.”
That doesn’t matter if you’re not a threat. They perceive you as one.
What it’s like to live inside that other person’s nervous system is the reason they’re reacting the way they are.
And that doesn’t mean their behavior meets your needs or goals.
But it does mean that if you want to respond in a way that might support your needs being met, you have to accept that their nervous system works the way it does.
Shana James (30:21)
Yeah… yeah.
Wow. Okay, this is amazing.
What else feels important?
Eric J FitzMedrud (30:33)
Yeah — I was going to ask you how you work with the alien or the “feral cat” in your couples.
Shana James (30:40)
I tend to support people in stepping into each other’s shoes.
Can you imagine what it’s like to have had their experiences? Can you imagine what the world looks like to them?
And not from how you see it — but from how they see it.
So I try to support that shared humanity, that compassion, instead of, “Why are they doing this to me?”
I’ve seen that flip — where suddenly it becomes, “My God… of course I would react that way if I had that history.”
Eric J FitzMedrud (31:07)
Mm-hmm.
Eric J FitzMedrud (31:48)
Yeah, I do something similar.
I’ll tell partner B’s story to partner A from a place of compassion.
“I want you to imagine growing up with a judgmental mother and a distant or aggressive father…”
And I’ll narrate their experiences — their traumas, the shaping of their nervous system — and then describe what’s happened in this relationship.
Then I ask: How would that feel if that were your story?
Shana James (31:56)
Wow.
Yes, that’s so powerful.
Eric J FitzMedrud (32:17)
When you talk about your partner like the vulnerable child they once were — and in some ways still are — it often brings out a lot of tenderness.
Shana James (32:22)
Yes.
I love that, because the story we tell ourselves when we’re frustrated is usually much less compassionate.
We leave out those details. We think they don’t matter.
But when you add them back in, you can see: Oh… this is why they’re acting this way.
Eric J FitzMedrud (32:51)
Right.
And many of us do that for ourselves.
We understand our own worst moments as coming from our history, our attachment wounds, our upbringing.
We can give ourselves context — even if not full compassion.
But it’s harder to maintain that same context when we’re on the receiving end of our partner’s behavior.
Shana James (33:06)
Yes.
Totally.
And I think we’re often more likely to let ourselves off the hook than our partners.
Eric J FitzMedrud (33:31)
It varies — some people carry a lot of shame.
But at least we tend to have a story for ourselves.
Shana James (33:35)
That’s true.
I have a strong inner critic, but I also notice subtle ways I give myself grace.
Whereas if my partner does the same thing, I might feel irritation.
So one practice I use is reminding myself of the things I do that my partner doesn’t like.
Eric J FitzMedrud (34:08)
That’s good. Humbling — but good.
And a challenging practice.
Shana James (34:12)
Yeah.
Eric J FitzMedrud (34:14)
And great for helping couples cultivate compassion.
Shana James (34:17)
Thank you.
This has been amazing. Are there any last pieces you want people to know before we wrap up?
Eric J FitzMedrud (34:27)
Maybe one principle that sums this up:
If you aren’t healing your partner’s wounds — whether you caused them or not — you’re probably making them worse.
Shana James (34:45)
Wow.
Okay — that opens up a whole other can of worms.
Eric J FitzMedrud (34:49)
I thought it was just a reiteration of what we’ve been saying — but okay.
Shana James (34:52)
What I love is the framing that we are in relationship to support each other’s growth and healing.
Eric J FitzMedrud (35:01)
Yes — and that’s why I love that statement. It reminds us of the responsibility we take on when we enter a loving relationship.
Shana James (35:11)
Yes.
And I think it opens things up because many people don’t think of relationships that way.
We think: we fell in love, we were attracted, we wanted a family, we shared values.
But we don’t necessarily think: I’m here to support my partner’s healing and growth.
I believe wounds are formed in relationship and healed in relationship — but that’s not a common perspective.
Eric J FitzMedrud (35:50)
I think that’s true.
Shana James (35:52)
Do you have a practice you’d give people from what we’ve talked about?
Eric J FitzMedrud (35:58)
Try making a list of what might be going on for your partner today — especially what might be depleting their emotional bandwidth or capacity to respond to you.
Include both short-term stressors and longer-term patterns.
And if you don’t know — ask.
See if your partner can help you understand what’s driving their behavior.
And ask gently and kindly.
Then — believe them.
We’re often tempted to say, “Well, it doesn’t have to be like that.”
But what if that is their reality right now?
Shana James (36:58)
Right.
Maybe it doesn’t have to be like that — but it is like that right now.
And if you resist that, you’re just in a fight with reality.
So powerful.
Again, I really appreciate the humanity in what you’re saying — seeing your partner through eyes of love and kindness.
Recognizing who they’re trying to be, even with all their limitations and history.
It’s no small task.
Eric J FitzMedrud (37:31)
Yeah — for any of us.
Shana James (37:33)
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Where can people find your book and more of you?
Eric J FitzMedrud (37:39)
My book, Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex, is available on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.
If you’re in California and interested in psychotherapy, you can find me at www. DrEricFitz. com (D-R-E-R-I-C-F-I-T-Z).
And I’m also on most social media platforms @ DrEricFitz.
Shana James (38:07)
I love it. Thank you so much for this conversation.
Eric J FitzMedrud (38:11)
Thank you — glad to be here.
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