Are you craving a deeper connection in your relationship but don’t know where to start? This episode of Men’s Therapy Podcast is just about that.
Watch here! – The Number One Secret to Having Amazing Sex as a Man – Men’s Therapy Podcast
Don't Settle For Less
Are you craving a deeper connection in your relationship but don’t know where to start? This episode of Men’s Therapy Podcast is just about that.
Watch here! – The Number One Secret to Having Amazing Sex as a Man – Men’s Therapy Podcast
As the new year rolls around I’ve been thinking about last year. Many of my clients (men and women) have started talking about perimenopause, which can feel like a huge blow to a relationship. Having started a new relationship two years ago, and then finding myself deep in the throes of gnarly perimenopausal symptoms a year later, I know how hard it can be. But while it hasn’t been easy for either of us, I know we are more connected than ever, and have a stronger foundation, as a result of facing this challenge. So I started thinking about why perimenopause is actually the doorway to the love and sex you’ve always wanted.
Perimenopause can come with mood swings, physical challenges, and changes in intimacy, which can start to crack the foundation of your relationship. This may be so terrifying you want to crawl in a hole, or you may be so frustrated you want to throw in the towel. I recommend taking a deep breath and starting to explore other options. It can be hard to welcome this phase, but I promise you perimenopause can be one of the most powerful doorways to having more connection and intimacy than ever before. You can emerge from this stronger, and feel more loved and appreciated than ever.
Many people have a hard time speaking up about what we want. We can judge ourselves as needy, high maintenance, weird, or some other derogatory word. Hiding or holding back our deeper truths can become the norm, which creates distance, dullness, or resentment in relationships. It’s not always obvious it’s happening because people get used to it.
Enter perimenopause — a phase that is hard to ignore. It comes barreling in with physical and emotional symptoms for women — hot flashes, fatigue, overwhelm, anxiety, irritability, depression (or swinging between the two), sleep challenges, and lowered libido. These changes can feel awful, and can lead to conflict, misunderstandings, and upsets. A woman can be overwhelmed with the physical and emotional changes, and a partner can feel rejected as a result. Decreased intimacy, from withdrawal or reactivity, can create a downward spiral of disconnection.
One thing perimenopause does is shake up the norm. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially in a long term relationship where habits of settling and disconnection can solidify. The only adults who are given a clear invitation to reassess the depths of their desires, values, and actions are those who get divorced, or are on the verge of it. Perimenopause is an invitation for everyone else, to a deeper knowing of oneself and one’s partner, and to more mature honesty and communication.
It may seem like a knock on the door from a bat-shit, crazy stranger, but with consciousness you’ll see it’s more like a visiting monk, or an angel.
Love isn’t actually intimate until we are real and honest with each other. Most couples aren’t as honest as they think they are. When I asked a client about this, he realized that he and his wife were honest about their preferences and struggles with household responsibilities, parenting, and finances, but not really about their feelings and sexual experiences.
Perimenopause becomes a doorway to more love and connection as you start to have open, honest, and supportive conversations. Speaking up about what feels good and what doesn’t, how you feel supported or understood, or don’t, creates a deeper knowing of each other, so you can meet each other in ways you dreamt of. As you shift from blaming, shaming, and attacking, to collaborating, you find new, and even exciting ways to connect, and build trust. And while it doesn’t happen instantly, and many couples need tools or guidance, it happens if you’re committed. As you learn more about each other, and become more generous with your listening and caring, you can feel more connected, supported, loved, and even pleasured, than ever before.
As you shift from being competitive or individualistic, to a team who collaborates and supports each other, intimacy builds. There are simple ways to begin to work together, rather than against each other.
1. Ask curious and positive questions, rather than defeated or blaming questions
Instead of asking “Why this is happening?,” or “Why are you being like this?”, ask questions like:
2. Explore new ways to connect and rekindle your bond
In my book, Honest Sex, the second section is about expanding your definition of sex to include physical, emotional, energetic, and spiritual aspects. Sex is often seen as something physical, and involving genitals, but in my tantra training, neither of those needs to be involved for you to have the most incredible pleasure or connection! Most of us are not taught the wide range of ways sex can happen, and this leads to suffering.
It takes practice but being honest and really listening to each other can become a type of foreplay. It may sound crazy, but the energy that gets stuck when you hide or hold back can kill passion. Honesty isn’t just about sharing frustrations; it’s also about speaking up about what does and doesn’t feel good in your relationship and life. This vulnerability leads to deeper connection. As you shift from taking things personally and defending yourself, to being collaborative and proactive, you’ll become a stronger team. I suggest you…
3. Don’t Overlook Hormone Health, For Both of You
As you get more communicative, it’s also a good idea to check hormone levels. It’s a practical step I’ve taken that can make a big difference. It can take time to figure out options, and what supports your hormonal balance and well-being, but you can use this as an opportunity to get healthier and be more aware of your body. Taking care of your physical health is one aspect of a solid foundation for emotional connection.
4. Get Support
As I’ve said, while perimenopause can bring huge challenges, it’s also an opportunity to strengthen your relationship through honest communication and teamwork. Couples who prioritize these values often emerge more connected than ever. As I wrote about in Honest Sex, we all need support at times. If you need support, reach out and we can chat. I can help you get through what can be a horribly painful time.
Recently, many clients are telling me they’ve learned to talk with their partner in ways they never have, which is creating more intimacy, love, support and passion. Whether you’re navigating this while in a relationship, or dating, I believe in you and your ability to not just survive this phase — but to create a deeper, more fulfilling partnership. If you struggle to communicate in a way that doesn’t push someone away, reach out to me here.
In this episode of If You’ve Come This Far by Shaun Emerson & Chris Lozier, our conversation covers vulnerability, communications, coaching men, intentional communities, honesty, mind reading…what is sex actually?, orgasmic lifestyles sprinkles, the Encyclopedia Britannica, the state of men, and more!
Watch here! – If You’ve Come This Far: Shana James…Honest Sex and more
We dive deep into the nuances that are often lost in translation in heterosexual relationships to answer important questions: What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to be human together? If you have a male figure in your life, listen to this conversation to learn more about using empathy for more understanding, connection, and meaning.
Watch here! – Unmasking Masculinity: How to Create Emotionally Satisfying Relationships
This conversation seems to fly by, and we get to a lot of places in it. From being present to life, to how women can better receive men’s vulnerability, naming the fear, the idea of regular check-ins for relationships, sharing impact versus interpreting intention, and allowing ourselves and others to grow and change.
Let’s break the cultural context about a man’s vulnerability
Vulnerability in men can lead to isolation, depression and suicide. In fact, the suicide rate in men is four times more than women, and suicide is the seventh leading cause of death in men.
Why are men afraid to share their vulnerability? And what can they do about it so they will feel empowered to lead a life of connection, openness and honesty? As young boys, males are taught not to shed tears because it is a sign of weakness. It is unmanly and unattractive, they’ve been told. It’s time to break this cultural context! During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Love and Leadership Coach Shana James, talks about how men can create more balance in their life so they will feel free to share their vulnerability and feel less isolated and alone. She explores vulnerability as a strength in men, not a weakness. Men need to feel safe to explore and express their vulnerability, she asserts, but we’ve created a world that won’t allow this to happen. Listen to Shana’s podcast with Dr. Joe Kort on how men can begin to share their vulnerability and feel confident and powerful for expressing their feelings.
Listen here! – Shana James on Breaking the Cultural Context About a Man’s Vulnerability
In this episode, we unravel why so many men stumble when articulating their desires and how this can lead to a fear of their world unraveling.
Listen here! – The Centered Coach
To help put a spotlight on men’s mental health issues, Denver-based creative agency Cactus has partnered with other mental health experts on Moonshot For Mankind, which has been created to serve as a men’s mental health resource hub.
Watch here! – Moonshot For Mankind