Interviews

This Will Bring More Intimacy into Your Relationship

May 13, 2025 by Shana James Leave a Comment

Every couple who comes to me wants more closeness and connection.

But too often, we get caught in cycles of frustration, where both people feel hurt and unseen. People say things to each other like:

“You’re overreacting.”

or

“Why can’t you just…?”

This does not create connection!

What’s happening beneath the surface of these statements?

The pain, fear, disappointment, etc. is expressed in a reaction, one that creates more distance and distrust.

This is part of what I call the waiting game.

Each person is reacting in a way that is waiting for the other to be kind, compassionate, or understanding first.

“If you soften, then I’ll soften.”

“If you accept me, then I’ll accept you.”

” If you’d stop being defensive I wouldn’t have to defend myself.”

But while both people are waiting, the relationship stays stuck. It feels guarded, tense, and transactional.

In my work with couples, I see how in moments of tension, people express blame or defensiveness, instead of the tenderness they crave.

In a recent session a couple illustrated this dynamic:

Her complaint: “He does what he needs and doesn’t think about me.”

His complaint: “She’s so harsh when I mess up. Why can’t she be nice?”

Both were waiting for the other to be kinder. But neither was leading with compassion themselves.

That’s when I had them start practicing something from my book Honest Sex: Finding the vulnerability beneath the complaint.

For her, the insight was powerful. She said:

“When I say something and he gets defensive, I back away. But I could stay with the tenderness, and continue being vulnerable.”

Yes! She has enough trust, built over decades of marriage that while he may be dismissive, she knows he really does love her. She could say something simple like, ‘Ouch,’ or, ‘I don’t feel understood, and I want to work this out together,’” or “Can we have a do-over?”

This shift creates a new opening.

Instead of withdrawing or reacting, they can choose something powerful: to be for the WE.

This phrase, from The Collaborative Way® by Lloyd Fickett, points to a shared mindset that transforms relationships. Instead of protecting your position, you become an ally for connection. You stop waiting — and start leading with love.

Here’s what that looked like in practice:

Her new practice: When he reacts defensively, meet it with vulnerability. Speak from the heart and stay with the vulnerability beneath the complaint.
His new practice: Instead of defending, treat her like someone precious. Ask: How can I care for her right now?
Their shared agreement: We will both do our best to communicate vulnerably, with each other in mind — and respond from the heart, even when it’s hard.

That’s what being for the WE means. It’s not waiting for your partner to change first, but choosing to show up in a way you can respect yourself, because love matters more than being right.

If you’re craving more intimacy in your relationship…

Notice if you’re waiting for your partner to go first — and start to move toward softness
When you’re hurt, lead with what’s vulnerable rather than what’s critical
Remember: real connection starts when one person breaks the cycle—and invites the other in

You don’t have to choose between truth and love. Your truth, shared from the heart, is the doorway to love.

If you’re facing a challenge in your relationship, I’m here for you. Just respond to this email to let me know what you’re struggling with and we’ll find a way through!

The Secret Gift of Loving a Good Man (a Clark Kent)

May 6, 2025 by Shana James Leave a Comment

If you read my last message about how I almost walked away from my own Clark Kent, and how that choice changed my life, you’ll know this is personal for me.

I shared how easy it would’ve been to look for someone flashier, bolder, or more traditionally alpha, instead of leaning in and discovering the quiet power of a grounded, emotionally available man.

But there’s something I didn’t talk about yet, that is important — what happens as a woman when you stop seeking the Superman story and allow yourself to receive love from someone real.

(And men, I know I’ve written a lot to women these days, but I have something coming for you soon!)

What Becomes Possible When You Find Your Clark Kent

In a world that often rewards flash over depth, many women are encouraged — directly or subtly — to seek out the Superman type.

While it can feel intoxicating, here’s the truth: when you stop looking for the traditionally attractive or alpha man, something profound opens up, and not just in love, but in you.

When you find your steady, sincere, emotionally present man, you discover who you get to be in relationship:

A woman who can exhale
A woman who doesn’t have to perform, prove, or pretend
A woman who can trust the quiet consistency of love, not just the drama of desire
A woman who gets to be fully herself, with all her moods, magic, and mess
A woman who leans into a man’s integrity and care, and lets herself be met there

This kind of man may not come with as much confidence or boldness. But he knows what’s important to you, stays through hard conversations, and holds you not only when you’re glowing, but when you’re grieving, growing, or needing to ground again.

When a woman stops tolerating the emotional rollercoaster and begins to value the warmth of a connection that honors her, she becomes more than just partnered.

She becomes anchored AND free. Opened and empowered all at once.

The invitation is to rewire what you think chemistry feels like. And to trust your own nervous system to connect safety with chemistry.

Because love with a good man activates your wholeness, not your anxiety.

And the real magic?

When you choose this way, you often find he’s had his own quiet kind of superpower all along, and as you call it out in him, you become more of yourself!

Ready to find your Clark?

If you’re tired of being on either side of the Superman dynamic, I’d love to help you have dates and a relationship rooted in emotional connection, safety, and mutual care.

Click here to book a free Effortless Love consultation where we explore the kind of partnership your soul is truly ready for, what’s been in the way, and how to inspire a grounded, generous partner who truly meets you.

Because love can be less hard and more real.

P.S. I’m taking applications for my Find Love After 40 program, where I help people find love in 9 months, or continue to support them until they do without extra costs. You can book a time to chat with me about it here.

Superman Isn’t the hero. Clark Kent Is.

May 6, 2025 by Shana James Leave a Comment

This one is mainly for the women, but men I hope you’ll appreciate the perspective I share here!

I have a personal share about the topic of Clark Kent being the real hero for women…

I nearly walked away from the man I’ve now been in an amazing relationship with for almost 3 years.

I wasn’t sure if he was deep enough… if there was enough spark… if he could really meet me.

It would’ve been easy, and much less vulnerable, to walk away in search of someone flashier, bolder, or more confident.

But I decided to do something different:

I brought him my concerns, not with blame or criticism, but with openness and honesty he could truly hear.

I didn’t claim that my way was right, but I was clear about what I wanted and needed in a relationship.

Because he was emotionally available — because he was a Clark Kent man, not a Superman man — he listened. He checked with himself to see if he could, and wanted to, meet my desires.

We took time to explore together whether and what we’d be a fit for, since not all connections make great partnerships.

We kept being honest. We grew (and continue to grow) together. Now I’m with a man who cherishes me, supports me, and shows up every day with heart, not hype. And I almost missed out!

Because of this, as well as working with hundreds of amazing men who get passed over because they don’t show up as boldly, I created the Clark Kent Dating Method.™

Too many great men get overlooked, simply because they lead with heart instead of flash.

The Clark Kent Method™ helps women:

Stop choosing unavailable Superman types
Recognize men who are emotionally available and grounded
Inspire the right kind of man to rise and meet you in real love

Real love begins with depth, not with drama.

If you’re looking for real love and not finding it, book a free Effortless Love call here. We’ll figure out what’s getting in the way, and how to have the kind of love where you feel supported, understood, and cherished.

If you’re a man reading this and looking for love, you can use that link too!

In the Beta version of my new program Find Love After 40, I’m helping people find love in 9 months — or I keep supporting them until they do, at no extra cost.

I am really excited because I know you deserve love that’s real, safe, and extraordinary, and I want you to have it!

Love is Important in Uncertain Times

April 17, 2025 by Shana James Leave a Comment

I’m thinking a lot about love these days. Because I realized that love is what’s getting me through the challenges.

I’m realizing that love is important, especially in uncertain times.

These days, many people are feeling a little shaky. The world is asking a lot of us — emotionally, financially, physically, energetically…

Navigating instability in ways we haven’t, even the most independent, capable people — the ones who pride themselves on holding it all together — may silently say to themselves: “I don’t want to do this alone anymore.”

It doesn’t mean we’re giving up our strength. It doesn’t mean we need rescuing. It means that maybe now more than ever, we’re craving and open to a different kind of support — a space to rest, and lean, to be known and appreciated.

Real, supportive love — is a kind of security.

Not in the traditional sense of sharing finances or activities, but in the deeper sense:

The security of knowing that someone sees you…and stays
The safety of having a steady hand to hold when the world feels chaotic
The grounding that comes from being known and loved in your fullness — not despite your vulnerability, but because of it

For many of us, especially those who’ve built strong, full lives on their own, this desire can be confusing. We were taught that security comes from within.

While that is true, it’s only part of the story. We’re not meant to be self-sufficient to the point of isolation. We’re wired for connection. Wanting and sharing love isn’t a weakness.

In my own journey after divorce, and in my work helping people find love (often after heartbreak and often after phases of living solo) I’ve seen many people take the risk to let themselves have love as a vital part of their well-being, rather than seeing it as a luxury. And I’ve supported people to have it be less of a gamble — to have more control over creating and deepening connection.

The world may be uncertain. And love takes courage. But finding someone who’s willing to meet you — in the truth, the mess, and the beauty — is precious.

It lets you breathe a little deeper. Relax a little more. And remember what it feels like to be supported by something other than your own strength.

So, if you’re feeling a little out of sorts right now, you’re not alone.

And if part of you is yearning for connection, please know your yearning is sacred.

You’re not weak for wanting to be loved. And in these times, love isn’t just a sweet-to-have. It’s a form of resilience, and a powerful kind of security.

And you deserve it!

P.S. If you want more love in your life, book a time to chat with me here. I have a couple slots available each month and I love supporting people to have more love in their lives.

How to Trust Yourself: Feel Confident Without Having to Close Your Heart

March 20, 2025 by Shana James Leave a Comment

This week, I had an experience that reminded me of the delicate balance between how to trust yourself while also staying open to others’ perspectives. I picked up a new pair of glasses, and the moment I put them on, I knew something was horribly wrong. I could barely see through them, but the people at the store assured me that it takes time to adjust, and told me to wear them for a week.

I have worn glasses for forty years, so I knew, with certainty, that something was way off. But I felt a familiar internal conflict arise: Was I being difficult, or high maintenance? Was I overreacting? Should I just try to make it work?

I doubted myself, even though my body was giving me clear signals that something was wrong.

With the courage it has taken decades to cultivate I went back the next day, after trying the glasses again in the morning. They said the prescription was right, so I’d have to make an appointment with the optician. When I came back for a third time, to see the optician, he verified that I had been given someone else’s prescription. My instinct was right!

This experience was a powerful reminder of how hard it can be to stand up for yourself without feeling like you’re being rude, unreasonable, or “high-maintenance.” Good girls and Nice guys have been socialized to be accommodating, to not rock the boat, and to give others the benefit of the doubt — even at the expense of our own well-being :(.

As I think about the couples I have worked with, it’s important to trust ourselves without altogether rejecting others’ perspectives. To keep relationships collaborative, we have to find self-trust without giving up our open-mindedness. Here are a few ways to find that balance:

1. Listen to Your Body

Our bodies often know before our minds do. Whether it’s discomfort, a gut feeling, or outright pain, physical sensations are important to pay attention to. If something feels wrong, trust yourself. You don’t have to prove it to anyone, but as you talk about it, you can use the physical sensations as inarguable, and say things like, “My stomach is in knots.” I tell my clients that this goes over much better than calling someone a jerk, or telling them what they did “wrong.”

2. Stay Open, But Not at Your Own Expense

Yes, there are times when adjustment periods are necessary. Yes, others can offer insights we might not have considered. But that doesn’t mean we should blindly accept advice that contradicts our own lived experience. However, we don’t have to collapse in defeat or get defensive. Instead you can say something like, “I hear you, and I appreciate your perspective is different from mine. I also know my body, and I need this to be considered.” Learning to trust yourself doesn’t have to be an either-or equation. We get to advocate for ourselves, while simultaneously respecting others, which allows us to stay connected.

3. Assert Yourself Without Attacking

It can be tempting to prove someone wrong — especially if they confidently give advice that doesn’t work for you. But making someone “wrong” is not the goal. The goal with self trust is to maintain your integrity while making it more likely to get your needs met. You can be firm and direct without being rude. Saying something like, “I understand that adjustments can take time, but I need this double-checked because something is not right for me,” acknowledges their position and allows you to stand up for your truth. You might say to a date, or your partner, “I understand you feel that way, and it’s hard for me to disagree, but I see it differently.”

4. Reframe the Fear of Being a ‘Pain’

So often, we hesitate to advocate for ourselves because we are afraid of being seen as difficult. But let’s consider that. Is it truly being difficult to ask for what you need, when you do it in a respectful way? It may take energy or effort on someone’s part, but you are worth it, and you get to be clear and self-assured. When you recognize that speaking up is an act of self-care, rather than focusing on the inconvenience to another, it becomes easier to trust yourself and express your needs.

5. Giving Others Grace Allows You to Grow

The man who told me to wear the glasses for a week was doing his best. I’m sure he was following standard advice. It’s frustrating that he did not take the time to problem solve with me. That said, I try to use every experience as an opportunity to grow, practice, or support others. In this situation I practiced speaking up for myself, which is something I still struggle with. When we focus on our upset others we miss this opportunity. And while it’s usually not comfortable to practice or grow, we learn to create more connection and intimacy as a result.

To Have a Healthy, Connected Relationship, Learn How to Trust Yourself Truth While Allowing Other Perspectives

This experience reinforced an essential lesson: We don’t have to choose between either being agreeable or being self-assured.

We can be both kind and firm, open and discerning, respectful and unwavering. Thankfully, trusting ourselves does not mean we have to reject others.

One way to cultivate this balance is by practicing a simple check-in: Pause and take a deep breath before you respond. Notice what your body tells you — does it feel tight, uneasy, or uncertain?

If needed, get a second opinion from someone you trust, or ask for a different approach. Ask more questions, or give yourself time to reflect before you make a decision. The key is to trust that your feelings are valid as you gather more information about your choice.

Learning how to trust yourself allows you to let go of defensiveness, or the need to prove yourself or please others. It allows you to be strong and open hearted, so you don’t have to push people, especially the ones you love, away.

6 Principles to Create a Loving Relationship, Beyond What Many People Ever Experience

February 21, 2025 by Shana James 2 Comments

One of my favorite quotes by Rainer Maria Rilke is:

“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”

As a relationship coach, this quote has always touched my heart. Love is not effortless, even when it is deep and true. It challenges us, stretches us, and asks us to grow in ways we never expected. Even in the presence of great love, we can feel disappointment, frustration, and hurt.

Through my experience, I’ve found that certain principles lay the foundation for a love that is deeply fulfilling — a love where you feel truly seen and appreciated, where intimacy deepens over time rather than fading, and where you and your partner become catalysts for each other’s personal and relational growth.

I call these kinds of relationships SACRED. They include sacred love and sacred sex, and are full of deep connection, support, and delight.

When something is sacred, we slow down and cherish it, rather than taking it for granted. We hold it with presence, awe, and care. We become aware of the preciousness of our time together and intentionally nurture the connection. In a SACRED relationship there is an ongoing exploration of intimacy, growth, and healing, based in respect and care.

The six principles of a SACRED relationship aren’t just actions, they are ways of being that create a foundation for lasting love and intimacy. When we embody them, we expand our capacity to love and be loved in return.

The Six Principles of Love and Intimacy that create Sacred Love and Sacred Sex

S: Safe

Safety is the cornerstone of any sacred relationship. When both partners feel emotionally and physically safe, they can be vulnerable and face the universal human fears of rejection and judgement. Safety allows love to deepen because it creates an environment where both people are free to be their true selves.

Creating safety involves:

Letting go of judgment, blaming, and shaming
A foundation of consent and mutual respect
Building trust through reliability and integrity

When partners feel truly safe, they relax into, and lean on, each other. The bond strengthens and forms the bedrock of true connection and intimacy.

A: Attuned

Attunement is the ability to be truly present with each other’s emotions, needs, and subtle cues. It is about listening, and not just with your ears, but with your whole being. When we feel attuned to, we feel profoundly understood and connected.

Cultivating attunement involves:

Listening deeply, so each person feels truly heard
Noticing emotional and tonal shifts, and responding with care
Welcoming and validating emotions and concerns
Being curious about your partner’s experience, even when it differs from yours

Without attunement people become distant. With attunement, love feels like a sanctuary. It’s easier to trust that your partner has your back, and you can stop feeling a need to prove that you’re good enough, lovable, or desirable. You’ll actually be able to receive and be filled up by the love coming your way.

C: Compassionate

Compassion in a relationship means holding space for each other’s humanity, including imperfections and mistakes. It means responding with kindness and a genuine desire to understand, even in moments of conflict.

Compassion can look like:

Offering grace to your partner and being curious when something doesn’t feel good, rather than assuming the worst
Seeking to understand rather than to “win” a disagreement or be right
Supporting each other’s self-compassion and personal growth

When compassion is present, love flows more freely. You can then heal and grow together, rather than feeling like you’re on different teams, working against each other.

R: Real

Realness is about authenticity—showing up as your whole self, without needing to hide or pretend you’ve got it all together. It means letting go of perfectionism and embracing your quirks, vulnerabilities, and desires. When both partners are real with each other, trust and intimacy deepen naturally.

Being real means:

Expressing honest thoughts and emotions
Releasing the need to “perform” or hide when you’re struggling
Embracing vulnerability as a path to deeper connection
Knowing and communicating your needs and boundaries (lovingly)

A sacred relationship isn’t about being flawless—it’s about being fully seen and loved in your truth, and fully seeing and loving your partner.

E: Exploratory

Exploration keeps a relationship alive and ever-evolving. As we shift from the mode of accomplishment and goal orientation, to a journey of discovery, you’ll find that curiosity replaces pressure, and playfulness replaces routine. Every experience then becomes a way to create more connection, rather than stew in old stories and disappointments. You can feel lighter and freer as you let go of the idea that you’re not allowed to make mistakes, or learn as you go.

To embrace exploration:

Approach intimacy with openness and playfulness to discover what feels good and intimate
Open to and experiment with new ways to connect emotionally and physically
Let go of expectations and see how you can enjoy the journey, rather than only trying to reach a destination

When exploration is a shared value, relationships have more wonder, delight and vibrancy. Every moment is a new possibility, and every experience can be a way to feel closer.

D: Devoted

Devotion is a commitment to something greater than your individual selves. It is the energy that carries a relationship beyond fleeting emotions and challenges. It’s about seeing and honoring the essence of each other, beyond egos and personalities.

Devotion can be nurtured through:

Being fully present and mindful together, giving access to the deeper parts of yourselves
Creating shared practices that honor your relationship — i.e. intentional check-ins, meditations, sharing appreciations
Seeing intimacy and sex as opportunities for deeper, and even spiritual, connection
Supporting and celebrating each other’s personal evolution and growth

Devotion transforms love from something we hope and wait for, into something we actively cultivate. It makes love feel more precious, and helps us bring more care and respect to our interactions.

The Essence of SACRED Love and Intimacy

By embodying these six principles, you can create a relationship that feels both like a safe home and a wild adventure. You can cultivate love that is both grounding and liberating.

This kind of love goes beyond companionship. It supports you to become the highest version of yourself. It allows you to feel deeply known and cherished in ways you may never have imagined possible. Your relationship becomes a way to give and receive more love than ever before.

May your love be SACRED.

May it be safe, attuned, compassionate, real, exploratory, and devoted. And may it bring you the most fulfilling and inspiring connection you have ever known.

How to Find a Good Man: Why it Seems Like Great Men Don’t Exist

February 19, 2025 by Shana James Leave a Comment

Many women ask me how to find a good man… let me tell you… they exist!

For 20 years, as a dating and relationship coach, specializing in supporting men, I have met open hearted men — men who want to love and support a woman, who are willing to learn, and who are sensitive and emotional (even if they haven’t learned ALL the emotional skills to be totally emotionally available).

My male coaching clients, who are amazing but aren’t always chosen by women, tell me things like:

“I want to make it safe for my date, so she can be comfortable. I don’t want to be too aggressive, offensive, or anything that would give her the wrong idea.”

“I think I come across awkward or boring, but I’m trying not to be creepy.”

“How do I be honest in moments when I doubt myself or feel vulnerable, without women thinking I’m wimpy or weak?”

These men are incredibly sincere, but I know they don’t always catch your attention, so, how do you find a good man?

You don’t have to kiss a lot of frogs 🐸 to learn how to find a good man!

When you are learning how to find a good man, you need to be able to recognize one, from the beginning, even if he’s hiding behind fear or awkwardness. Because his shyness or awkwardness doesn’t mean he won’t be an amazing partner. Hundreds of men I’ve coached are not great daters, but they are great in a relationship!

Here’s the main thing I see that keeps women from meeting great men…

Many great men are kingly in how they want to treat women. They want to be kind and respectful. Some even want to make up for other men’s shitty behaviors. But these kingly men tend to show up more like Clark Kent than Superman! Often they were told by their moms or sisters to not make women uncomfortable, or that their sexuality was too much.

My new name for these men is Clark King 👑

Remember how Clark Kent was a bit nerdy, and a lot awkward? You wouldn’t have thought he was a leader, or a great lover. But when he transformed, he was saving the world!

Clark was also Superman, but he couldn’t show his power freely because it was dangerous. And by power I mean true and benevolent power, not dominant, destructive power.

A Clark King’s true power is his sensitivity, his desire to care for others, and his ability to cherish. He is generous and supportive. This kind of power has sadly not been valued in our culture.

Clark Kings want to treat a woman well. But women don’t always give them a chance! We were taught to look for Supermans. This greatly limits our dating options, and makes it seem like great men don’t exist. So, how to find your own Clark King?

How to find a good man when you are dating in midlife

When I started a new round of dating a few years ago, almost a decade after being divorced, I tried something new.

I prioritized dating for partnership, rather than attraction.

I was clear I wouldn’t give up attraction. I’d explore whether there was enough of it to feel connected, rather than basing my decision primarily on chemistry.

Why this shift?

I realized that I had prioritized chemistry in my marriage and past relationships, over tracking for partnership alignment. It didn’t work out! And the chemistry was eventually diluted by our conflicts and disappointments.

What I’ve discovered is that women have the power to see the best in men, and call them into their version of Superman, that they may not yet have fully realized.

The great news is that your power is an open hearted invitation for a man to be his best. This happens by bringing truth with love, and asking for what you need, without blaming or making him wrong.

You don’t have to work hard, or take on the burden of “fixing” him. You can be more true to yourself, and devoted to your heart’s longing, and call a man into his highest self.

My how to find a good man story!

I met my partner 2.5 years ago. It took five or six dates to know whether he had the depth and strength I wanted in a partner. I continued to date him because I could tell he was a great person.

He told me he volunteered at Meals on Wheels. He described his connection with his children and I was inspired. He told me he took up running later in life, and even ran long distance marathons and iron mans. (I’d never have guessed it 😅.) His response to what I’d need for him to meet my kid brought tears to my eyes.

Sure he was chatty, and I wasn’t feeling a ton of attraction. But I didn’t give up because I knew, from coaching thousands of men, that he wasn’t yet feeling safe to show me more of himself.

I made it safe for him to bring all of himself — his version of Superman

Whereas many women would have given up, I was honest along the way. I told him what I appreciated about him, and how I could feel more connected to him. I let myself explore and have fun, without needing to make an immediate decision about our future. I let him know what I was questioning, as I considered whether we were a good fit. He could have left, but through feeling seen and appreciated, he was inspired to open up.

In midlife, women tend to want (and I think we deserve) a relationship that’s real, honest, and supportive – where a man has your back and believes in you…where you can grow and learn together, and where spark and intimacy flourish as you’re understood and attuned to.

As you start looking for the Clark Kings, rather than the Supermans, you’re more likely to have the kind of love you want.

These men exist. Some of them are newly dating again after divorce (which I actually prefer to men who have never had a LTR!).

So how do you find these great men?

Here’s what I support women to do, that has great men show up for them:

I help women learn to trust themselves, so they don’t miss the yellow and red flags. You don’t need to waste your time or get emotionally involved with someone who can’t connect in a real way.
I help women communicate in a way that inspires men to step up, rather than fall down
I help women compassionately explore the ways they may be pushing men away, without realizing it
I help women figure out what makes dating easier and more enjoyable, and to have clarity about what matters most to them, so they’re more likely to find it
I help women discern their instincts from their young parts (the ones that are afraid and shouldn’t run the show). We get the adult, empowered, open hearted self to take the lead.
I help women have more love for themselves than ever, and the freedom to use their voice to get what they want and need

I know good men exist. And if you’re looking for one, I believe you can find him.

If you’re looking for a conscious and emotionally available man, and you want to date with less stress and effort, book a free Effortless Love and Sex Consultation here. I’d love to hear more about your dates and your desires.

P.S. If you know a woman who needs this, please pass this on to her!

What a Man Needs to Know About Menopause to Save His Love and Sex Life

February 11, 2025 by Shana James Leave a Comment

Menopause is a profound transformation in a woman’s life, affecting not only her body, but her emotions, energy, and entire sense of self. I know this affects you too. For men in long-term relationships, it’s undoubtedly hard, and you can feel a lot of rejection. Connection and intimacy can feel strained and stilted. It can challenge your pride, when you no longer know what will make your partner feel turned on, let alone want to be near you. If your partner is more irritable, distant, or suspicious, or her desire for sex or connection wanes, you may have no idea what to do, or how to feel good in your relationship again.

Understanding what she’s going through, and having compassion for it, is essential for maintaining, or recovering, your love and sex life. I know you may feel irritated that you have to go through this. But complaining or ignoring it won’t get you what you want. Instead you can empower yourself, and your relationship, so you have more of the love and connection you want now, and for the rest of your life.

The term menopause is used to describe the time when a woman’s monthly cycle is complete. What most of us never learned is that perimenopause, the time leading up to this completion, can last for up to 10 years! For women who go through the worst of it, (myself included), this means enduring physical and emotional pain. Some of us get more anxious. Some feel more depressed. Some women gain weight and struggle with self-image. Some have an inner critic on steroids. Some women experience all of these.

Many women mourn who we once were, and how much easier things seemed. We long for the vitality we used to feel. We struggle with the loss of pleasure in what used to bring us joy. Our bodies, hearts, and even souls, seem to rearrange themselves in a way we feel powerless to stop. Going through this with an unsupportive partner feels like hell, to both of you. When you support your partner, she’ll be able to be close to you, and to ride the waves of this challenge together.

Menopause can honestly be a gift

When you see menopause as a loss, or an irritation, it becomes one. That view creates a downward spiral of disappointment and disconnection. Instead, consider it a chance to deepen your relationship — to help you both feel closer, and more supported and loved, than ever. When you approach this phase with patience, curiosity, and love, you’ll create more meaningful and exciting intimacy. You’ll create a love life that not only survives menopause, but flourishes because of it. These five keys will give you the foundation to keep your love and sex life alive for the rest of your life.

1. Slow Down and Find Out What Feels Good Now

What feels good now is not what felt good before. This is guidance I give to all clients, not only those going through menopause. Women’s likes and dislikes for connection and intimacy change based on their cycles, moods, and even the weather! You can use this to your advantage by realizing that success in intimacy isn’t having the right words or touch, it’s about being connected and exploring the current moment — the here and now — together.

Many women feel rushed in sex, even before menopause. While men are often ready to have sex in a few minutes, it can take a woman 10, 15, or even 40 minutes to feel aroused and ready. As women’s bodies change, slowing down and patience become more essential. What once felt amazing to your partner may now feel uncomfortable, or even painful. One woman even told me she was sure her clitoris had moved! I have experienced this too. Certain types of touch and sexual positions that were once pleasurable suddenly became painful.

Change doesn’t have to be a problem when you take your time to explore and discover what feels good now. So, slow down and recognize that pressure—whether overt or subtle—can make her withdraw. Create an atmosphere where she feels relaxed, safe, and genuinely desired. You have a chance to get to know each other’s hearts and bodies now. They’re not the same as they once were. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about this with your partner, you can get a free copy of my book Honest Sex here.

2. Get Curious and Compassionate

If you don’t have compassion for your partner’s struggles, your communication will tend to be bitter or resentful. She’ll then need to defend herself, or fight off your negativity, and will feel less drawn to be close to you. Pay attention to your tone of voice, body language, and the way you phrase your questions. Invite honest conversations with compassion, instead of pressure. When you do this, you can find new ways to connect and collaborate that can be even more intimate and pleasurable than before.

Curious, loving questions such as, “What would make you feel good right now?” or “Can you help me understand more about how you’re feeling?” or “How could I be on your team during this time?” will help her feel like you’re in it together. Listen to her without inserting your agenda, until you feel like you really understand her. The degree to which you listen without judgment or frustration, is the degree to which she will feel safe to open up to you. This naturally leads to deeper closeness—both emotionally and physically.

It’s common to have resentments or frustrations, and you may need some help clearing them. It can be hard to feel compassion before we vent, and feel heard. But your partner may not be the one to do this with. I’ve helped many men express their upsets, with compassion for their situations. After I hear the frustrations and guide them to put their attention back on their partner, I often see their hearts well up with compassion. Book a time to chat if you need help with this.

3. Expand Your Definition of Sex

Many people equate sex with intercourse. But true intimacy goes far beyond physical or genital penetration. Emotional, energetic, and spiritual connection can be just as fulfilling, especially as we get older and you learn how to connect in deeper ways. In my book Honest Sex, I wrote about sex as multi-dimensional. People who aren’t aware of this have one dimensional sex, which focuses on physical connection. Some people have two dimensional sex, including the emotions. You can actually have four dimensional sex, which includes:

Physical: Touching body to body
Emotional: Vulnerability, feeling truly seen, loved and understood
Energetic: The flow of energy and desire between partners who are present with each other and the moment
Spiritual: The transcendent, soulful aspect of connection, that can feel sacred and indescribable

This amplifies even more as you learn to feel your partner’s sensations and feelings, and they yours!

As you expand your definition of sex and shift from a goal orientation to a pleasure orientation, the barriers to connecting fall away and you’ll be able to create deeper and more fulfilling connection. Menopause is an invitation to get multidimensional, which many couples tell me is more satisfying than ever.

4. Turn Complaints into Desires

One of the most damaging things you (or your partner) can do is complain. People who feel criticized or inadequate, will feel shame and embarrassment. Their emotional state and pleasure receptors shut down, as does desire. There’s a simple tool you can use to turn your complaints into desires.

Instead of speaking about the complaint, find the desire behind the complaint. There can be many desires, and they’re often more vulnerable to share than the complaint. But vulnerability is a pathway to intimacy.

So, for example, instead of saying, “We never have sex anymore,” try saying, “I love feeling close to you, and I’d love to explore ways we can connect that feel good for both of us.”

Instead of the downward spiral of blame, and feeling wrong, you’ll enter into an upward spiral of teamwork and collaboration. Desires are exciting and energizing. Sharing them gets you closer to the love and sex you want.

5. Learn Together

Menopause is not just her journey—it’s yours together. Read books, listen to podcasts on intimacy in midlife, or attend workshops, and talk to each other. Showing that you care enough to learn sends a powerful message that she and your relationship are worth your time and energy. This often translates into feelings of being loved and supported.

It’s ok to be real and vulnerable, and to share about your challenges. When you do so, be a leader. Rather than blaming her for your frustrations, take responsibility for your struggles. Bring questions and topics to explore that bring you closer and illuminate what success looks like. Create shared goals, like appreciating each other daily, or asking how you can love each other better. See each other at your best, and call each other into it, rather than cutting each other down. Every day brings something new, and many things to be grateful for. The more you do this together, the less you grow apart.

You’ve got this!

Menopause is a portal into the kind of love, connection and sex many people crave but never find. Whether it’s been rough and you need to revitalize your connection, or you’re seeing the first signs of emotional and physical changes, make it a priority to stay connected and talk about your love and sex life, rather than ignore it. You deserve a caring and supportive relationship, and so does your partner. Keeping love alive is like tending to a garden. Use this time of life to figure out what your relationship needs to feel good for both of you. If you’re overwhelmed or need help, book a time to chat with me here.