Every couple who comes to me wants more closeness and connection.
But too often, we get caught in cycles of frustration, where both people feel hurt and unseen. People say things to each other like:
“You’re overreacting.”
or
“Why can’t you just…?”
This does not create connection!
What’s happening beneath the surface of these statements?
The pain, fear, disappointment, etc. is expressed in a reaction, one that creates more distance and distrust.
This is part of what I call the waiting game.
Each person is reacting in a way that is waiting for the other to be kind, compassionate, or understanding first.
“If you soften, then I’ll soften.”
“If you accept me, then I’ll accept you.”
” If you’d stop being defensive I wouldn’t have to defend myself.”
But while both people are waiting, the relationship stays stuck. It feels guarded, tense, and transactional.
In my work with couples, I see how in moments of tension, people express blame or defensiveness, instead of the tenderness they crave.
In a recent session a couple illustrated this dynamic:
Her complaint: “He does what he needs and doesn’t think about me.”
His complaint: “She’s so harsh when I mess up. Why can’t she be nice?”
Both were waiting for the other to be kinder. But neither was leading with compassion themselves.
That’s when I had them start practicing something from my book Honest Sex: Finding the vulnerability beneath the complaint.
For her, the insight was powerful. She said:
“When I say something and he gets defensive, I back away. But I could stay with the tenderness, and continue being vulnerable.”
Yes! She has enough trust, built over decades of marriage that while he may be dismissive, she knows he really does love her. She could say something simple like, ‘Ouch,’ or, ‘I don’t feel understood, and I want to work this out together,’” or “Can we have a do-over?”
This shift creates a new opening.
Instead of withdrawing or reacting, they can choose something powerful: to be for the WE.
This phrase, from The Collaborative Way® by Lloyd Fickett, points to a shared mindset that transforms relationships. Instead of protecting your position, you become an ally for connection. You stop waiting — and start leading with love.
Here’s what that looked like in practice:
- Her new practice: When he reacts defensively, meet it with vulnerability. Speak from the heart and stay with the vulnerability beneath the complaint.
- His new practice: Instead of defending, treat her like someone precious. Ask: How can I care for her right now?
- Their shared agreement: We will both do our best to communicate vulnerably, with each other in mind — and respond from the heart, even when it’s hard.
That’s what being for the WE means. It’s not waiting for your partner to change first, but choosing to show up in a way you can respect yourself, because love matters more than being right.
If you’re craving more intimacy in your relationship…
- Notice if you’re waiting for your partner to go first — and start to move toward softness
- When you’re hurt, lead with what’s vulnerable rather than what’s critical
- Remember: real connection starts when one person breaks the cycle—and invites the other in
You don’t have to choose between truth and love. Your truth, shared from the heart, is the doorway to love.
If you’re facing a challenge in your relationship, I’m here for you. Just respond to this email to let me know what you’re struggling with and we’ll find a way through!