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#6: Stop “Farting” Around and Create Real, Secure Connection – Steve Horsmon

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Sometimes we are aware of pain or struggle in a relationship, without realizing we are the one who has a role in creating it. To have a healthy, satisfying relationship, we have to learn how to uplift a partner, rather than cut them down. Steve Horsmon lays out a path for clearing “farts” out of your relationship.

If you’re not satisfied with your love or sex-life, and could use some insights into what makes a person want more of you, tell me more about yourself here and we’ll schedule a time to talk.

Show notes

This week’s podcast guest shared one of the most powerful metaphors I’ve heard in a long time, and it involved a fart. 😂 I love when people mix humor and mic drop wisdom. There’s not much I find more satisfying!

He described the way our moods fill a room, similar to when a room becomes filled with the smell of a fart. It’s invisible, but there’s a huge impact! He talked about how people walk around in farty rooms, i.e. relationships, without realizing they’ve poisoned the intimacy, and then expect things like connection and sex to happen.

In other words, if you’re judging, criticizing, justifying, defending, or relating in such a way that the person you’re with doesn’t feel understood, seen, valued, or heard, you’re filling your relationship with stink. This is not the foundation for intimacy and passion to build or thrive.

Steve Horsmon is a coach for men who I deeply respect. He works with men in heterosexual relationships, helping them find their sovereignty and self-confidence, so they don’t feel dragged around by women, or life. He also supports men in the most dire moments, when they hear a woman say: “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Steve and I have had many amazing conversations for a decade, and today’s is phenomenal. We discussed things like:

  • The havoc insecurity wreaks on dates and relationships, and how to create secure bonds
  • Covert contracts – the transactional idea that if you do what someone else wants, they’ll give you what you want
  • The lack of male role models in love
  • The poison of expectation, entitlement, judgment, pressure, and resentment
  • The story of Steve’s coach telling him: “You’re not yet the kind of guy who gets to have more sex and intimacy”
  • What to do when someone doesn’t feel valued or loved
  • The ineffectiveness of competition, trying to fix someone, and trying to get needs met
  • The power of a mature relationship where compassion, empathy and understanding goes both ways
  • How feelings of belonging, vulnerability, and being understood, seen, valued and heard, create incredibly sexy experiences
  • The shift from disappointment, disapproval, and dissatisfaction to acceptance, approval, and admiration
  • The power of your mind to create more love
  • A new way to think about confidence and security

Also, I created a quiz to help you get a sense of what keeps you from having the best love and sex of your life, especially after 40. I’d love for you to be the first to try it out. It can bring incredible insights, and I’d love your feedback about how it is to take it, and whether your results feel like they capture your situation.

>> Take the new quiz here to see what keeps you from having the best love and sex of your life <<

Then respond here with how the quiz went for you, or any questions you have.

Links:

Connect with Shana James

Get a Free copy of Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive.
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship it shows you how to take the self-doubt, struggle and shame out of your love life.

Honest Sex

Website

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Connect with Steve

GoodGuys2GreatMen.com

Bio:

Steve Horsmon is an ex-student, ex-engineer, ex-program manager, ex-corporate educator, and an ex-husband. He’s been a good guy his whole life. Like all good guys he worked hard, made a decent living and treated people kindly. He tried to please everyone in his path – especially the women in his life. He always thought that was the key to success, satisfaction, and happiness. But he realized he was wrong. And what he learned he is now bringing to you by turning on the light for good guys who are struggling in their relationships with women. Steve is confident you WILL become the man you want to be and you WILL have the life you want to have!

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#5: Anxious + Avoidant Attachment Style Doesn’t Have To = The End – Jason and Violet Lange

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When one partner’s attachment style is anxious, and the other’s is avoidant, it can be painful for both. But you can learn to consciously communicate and create ways for each person to feel safe and valued. Today’s guests talk about how to lovingly collaborate and negotiate, to meet the needs and desires of each partner.

If you’re not satisfied with your love or sex-life, and could use some insights into what makes a person want more of you, tell me more about yourself here and we’ll schedule a time to talk.

Show notes

Have you ever loved someone, but found it challenging or painful to be in a relationship?

I laughed a bit as I wrote that because I think most of us would answer YES!

There are different reasons for this, but one of the main reasons that’s getting a lot of attention these days is attachment styles.

Have you explored your attachment style in romantic relationships?

To give a very basic description, attachment styles refer to how you engage in relationships (romantic and otherwise). There are 3 basic attachment styles: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. Though, we can exhibit aspects of different styles at different times of our lives, and in different phases of relationship.

While I have become more secure over the years, I lean more toward an anxious style in the beginning of a relationship, and then have avoidant tendencies as a relationship progresses. My partner and I often joke with each other about our avoidant tendencies, since we thankfully both have them.

It’s likely you exhibit one of these styles more often, but you may also have secure, anxious, and avoidant moments. Dr. Stan Tatkin is a well known attachment therapist who created his own designations for these three attachment styles — Anchor, Wave and Island. To me, they feel more neutral, and easier to stomach, as we dissect our relational styles.

It’s incredibly powerful to understand your style and tendencies, and that of your partner, because love and good feelings alone don’t create healthy, lasting relationships. We need to understand the underpinnings of our conflict and upsets.

Today’s Practicing Love podcast guests, Jason and Violet Lange are a conscious couple, who both work as life and love coaches. They recently created a program for couples called Evolutionary Couples, where they give guidance for communication, intimacy, shared purpose, and more. Today, they get vulnerable about their attachment styles and the impact on their relationship. They’ve named one of their dynamics The Grenade at the Wall! Have a guess of who’s the grenade and who’s the wall?

It is so helpful to hear from a couple who consciously shares about their dynamic, without making either person wrong, and the ways they collaborate when they have breakdowns. In our powerful conversation we discussed…

  • How to stay away from the relationship fantasies that make us feel bad and wrong about ourselves
  • The true passion that arises from a sober view of romantic relationships
  • How to lovingly navigate a partner’s insecurities
  • What creates relational safety
  • The power of couples naming patterns and cycles
  • How to recognize when triggers are happening, rather than getting sucked in
  • The importance of bringing energy to a relationship, rather than showing up empty
  • Staying connected in the midst of desire conflicts
  • Dealing with socks on the floor and other annoying habits
  • The sacred practice of sexual generosity
  • Building trust through rupture and repair

Jason and Violet have a quite extraordinary love story, and they both started their relationship by being as honest as they could, to make sure they could be fully themselves with each other. They are also parents, which helps if you’re a parent who feels like you’re trying to keep a relationship alive in the midst of child-care and an overwhelming number of life responsibilities.

When you’re done with this episode, check out Jason’s episode on the Man Alive podcast, about a missing link to true power and great sex! And let me know if you have any questions or aha’s as you listen to either one.

Links:

Connect with Shana James

Get a Free copy of Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive.
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship it shows you how to take the self-doubt, struggle and shame out of your love life.

Honest Sex

Website

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Connect with Jason and Violet

EvolutionaryCouples.us

Bio:

Jason and Violet’s relationship purpose is to Radiate Love & Inspire Others into their Orbit of Depth & Fun. They coach men and women towards success in dating, intimacy and relationships, with over twenty years of combined experience.

Through their own journey, individually and together, they’ve worked through anxious / avoidant attachment patterns, reverse polarity, power dynamics, financial stress, parenting challenges, sexual trauma, fertility struggles, chore complaints and more.

Jason and Violet believe relationship is a spiritual path; it’s not easy, but with intention, you CAN cultivate ease…as well as passion, connection, and trust.

They met in a dream that Violet had, three weeks before meeting in real life (at a meet-up event on lucid dreaming!) But the heart of their love story is in the messy, hard, playful work they’ve put in over eight years, to make their cosmic dream a reality for themselves and for other couples.

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/burble
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Podcast (practicing-love): Play in new window | Download | Embed

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Your Mom May Be Messing Up Your Life – Kristopher Lovestone #2

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Your relationship with your mom when you were young impacts how you see the world, relate to people, feel loved, ask for what you want, etc. It’s easy to overlook the power of this. Today we help you see how understanding your dynamics with your mom allows you more freedom, better relationships and even more success.

If you’re not satisfied with your love or sex-life, and could use some insights into what makes women want more of you, tell me more about yourself here and we’ll schedule a time to talk: shanajamescoaching.com/consult

Show notes

What is your relationship with your mother (or primary caregiver) like?

It’s a deep, personal question, perhaps not easy to answer off the cuff. But it’s really important!

The dynamics you had with your mom, or primary caregiver, sets the stage for the rest of your relationships and life experiences!

Many clients have told me they never felt loved or approved of by their mothers and have been looking for that in all the women they’ve had relationships with.

Another client told me he learned to withhold from his mother because he realized she was too overwhelmed to handle his feelings in addition to her own. He saw he was withholding truths in his current relationship because he didn’t think she could handle them.

Still another client told me about how he had to grow up fast and take care of the rest of his family, becoming the man of the house. He now struggles with being able to receive, which has caused pain and struggle in his relationships.

The more I explore the psychological and spiritual underpinnings of being human the more I see the impact of our relationship with our mothers (for men and women both).

Today’s Man Alive podcast guest, Kristopher Lovestone, is a sex educator and relationship consultant who teaches men how to succeed in relationships through communication, integrity and empowered sexuality.

In this conversation we discussed:

  • How to stop relating to others as though they are your mom, especially but not only in romantic relationships
  • Boundaries and consent as a doorway to personal power
  • The importance of honoring your truth, desires and needs rather than trying to be manly/the rock
  • True pride vs. false pride
  • The trap of attempting not to hurt others by hiding your truth and the bigger hurt it often causes later

I know it’s easy to want to avoid your mother, but I highly suggest taking 30 minutes to make sure your relationship with her is not messing up your life!

Links:

Connect with Shana James

Honest Sex

Website

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

Kristopher Lovestone is a sex educator and relationship consultant who survived six divorces in his childhood. He now teaches men how to succeed in their relationship through communication and integrity. His techniques have yielded him a wildly successful 15 year marriage that gets hotter every day, and he published his teachings in his new book Conscious Cock: The Empowered Sexuality Manual For Men. He has been called the “Einstein of relationships” and has been endorsed by many of the top male sex educators in the world.

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#196: Proven Ways to Stop Messing Up Relationships – Jeff Howard

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With around 50% of marriages ending in divorce it’s clear that it’s easier to mess up relationships than it is to create healthy, lasting ones. Today’s guest helps people improve relationships in a surprising way — by lowering your expectations and raising your standards.

Show notes

There is no doubt that relationships are challenging. It’s hard enough to be a human with your own hopes and fears, let alone navigate someone else’s.
 
Over the years, while I can’t say relationships are not challenging for me, they are becoming smoother, with fewer conflicts and more steady love and connection. It has taken a lot of personal work to get here and I am always looking for people who can help speed up the process for you, so there can be less pain and more pleasure and connection.
 
Today’s Man Alive podcast guest, Jeff Howard, is a therapist who has found that there are a handful of elements humans need to be and stay well. Jeff brings his experience with clients, along with humility from his own relationships, to support people to have more satisfying relationships.

In this awesome and heartfelt conversation we discussed:
  • How to decrease relationship struggles by lowering your expectations and raising your standards
  • Moments of choice — generosity vs. getting back at someone
  • The benefit of a growth mindset, rather than a fixed mindset, in relationships
  • Productive discomfort — the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth
  • How to speak from your mature parts, to your partner’s mature parts

This is an awesome conversation that will help make your relationships healthier and easier! When you’re done with this one, check out this one on healing beliefs about sex and intimacy with Dr. Hazel Grace.

Links:

Connect with Jeff Howard

https://www.threeleavescounseling.com/

Connect with Shana James

Website: shanajamescoaching.com/3ways

Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz

For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women

Bio:

In Jeff’s years of sitting with people–as a friend, father, lover, partner, bartender, and a therapist for the last 8 years–he has found a few things to be irrefutably true about us: we humans need only a handful of elements in our lives to help us be–and stay–well. There is no magic in these things themselves.

That is, the components of wellness are not imaginary and we need not cast spells for them to appear, nor do we need to attempt to buy them on the internet, or surrender our day-world lives to become an ascetic; and, with that being said, once these powerful elements are in our lives, in our bones, and in our hearts, there is no unlearning what they feel like and how vital they are for our surviving and our thriving. 

Jeff believes we can never escape pain or heartbreak in life. What we can do is work to reduce our attachment to the outcomes of our experiences and encourage ourselves to accept what is, rather than lament what is not. Jeff sees that as humans, we have an incredible capacity for resilience and adaptability and we possess the potent skill to accept what is, and work with that.

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