Perimenopause isn’t just challenging for women — it impacts relationships and intimacy in powerful ways. In this vulnerable and eye-opening episode, men’s mentor Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz shares how he navigates fear, emotional triggers, and trauma to create deeper connection, intimacy, and love. We explore men’s emotional growth, midlife relationships, and how to stay connected through hormonal changes.
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
Deepening Love Through Perimenopause and Andropause: Show Notes
As we age, our bodies change in ways that can shake even the strongest relationships.
For women, perimenopause and menopause can bring mood swings, fatigue, and a loss of libido or emotional bandwidth.
For men, andropause — though less talked about — can trigger anxiety, low moods, withdrawal, and changes in libido.
Put two people in a house together at this time and it’s a recipe for confusion, emotional reactivity, and disconnection — if we don’t have the tools to navigate it.
This week on Practicing Love, I talk with Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz, founder of MenSpeak men’s groups and a long-time guide for men on the path of self-awareness and emotional truth.
Kenny shares what it has been like to face feeling like a scared little boy again in this dynamic with his wife — how trauma, hormones, and childhood roles came rushing in — and what it took to meet all of that without losing the depth of love he’d built with his partner.
Even as all of this is happening he was able to say that he’s more in love than he ever knew possible — or saw demonstrated — because there’s a depth, and an acceptance of each other in his relationship.
This conversation is honest, moving, and surprisingly hopeful.
In this conversation, you’ll hear:
- How perimenopause rocked Kenny’s relationship and opened a doorway to deeper intimacy
- What happens when your inner scared little parts gets activated, and how to respond with grace
- Why many men sometimes feel like they’re failing, and how to stop carrying it alone
- The difference between sex as connection and sex as avoidance
- What trying to save each other costs us, and what true partnership really requires
- How to reclaim presence, power, and love — without nagging, fixing, or performing
This episode offers something rare: a man’s honest journey through the challenges of intimacy. It highlights what’s possible when we stop running from the messy parts of each other, and instead meet them with presence, curiosity and love. If you have a partner I highly recommend listening together, and having a conversation after to better understand each other. If you are single, this will give you a deeper understanding of how to navigate this challenges when you are in a relationship.
Links:
Connect with Shana James
Best love and sex of your life quiz
Get a Free copy of Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive.
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship it shows you how to take the self-doubt, struggle and shame out of your love life.
Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz
For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women
Connect with Kenny
Bio:
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz, dubbed “The Man Whisperer” by Newsweek, is an Agony Uncle in the UK’s national newspaper of the year 2024. After 25 years of working with men in private practice and holding men’s groups in London and online, Kenny launched his daily online men’s groups when the UK went into lockdown to help keep men sane, safe and connected. During lockdown his ebook “Online Men’s Group Success: A step-by-step Guide to Facilitating Personal Development Groups for Men” was an Amazon No. 1 best-seller and his facilitation training gained accreditation, offering CPD points to therapists, coaches, organisational psychologists and leaders of men.
Kenny came from dramatic beginnings: death threats, refugee camps, paternal abandonment, maternal enmeshment, childhood mental health issues, racism and an addiction to survival thinking and the panic that it brought. He was a high-flying adrenaline junkie, meeting tight deadlines in publishing, the music business and his marketing consultancy that specialised in launches. This transferred to bungee jumping, skydiving, scuba diving shark feeding, walking on hot coals – anything to distract him from the pain and emptiness he held deep inside. He’s travelled the world sitting with the elders and working in development in Fiji, co-running a natural health centre in Sydney, working with Mother Teresa in Calcutta, joining the jet-set island-hoppers before being able to stop and sit with his shadows to find his way out.
Now he is able to sit with the dark shadows of other men as they unravel their lives and unlearn their limiting beliefs, using his simple tools to set their lives free, as the gold shadows of who they might be open up to them and they are able to navigate into bigger, better lives beyond their dreams.
Kenny’s mission is to make men’s groups as available and accessible as 12-step programs, training people to hold their own groups, offering supervision, retreats and making a bigger splash in the media to normalize healthy masculinity in the western world.
Transcript:
Shana (00:05):
Hello and welcome to this episode of Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life After 40.
You’re in for an amazing treat today because our guest—every time he speaks—my capacity to love and to be present deepens. Thank you, Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz, for being with us today to talk about deepening love through perimenopause, and andropause!
Kenny (00:37):
Always a pleasure.
Shana (00:39):
I appreciate you.
Kenny is the founder of MenSpeak men’s groups. He’s also a columnist for a men’s advice column—in the UK they call it an “agony uncle,” which I’d never heard before!
So, in addition to your own vulnerable life experience, you’ve spent thousands of hours with thousands of men. There may be wisdom you share today not just from your own life, but from supporting others too.
To start us off, could you tell us a bit about your current relationship—or anything unique or powerful about the journey to it—so we have some lay of the land?
Kenny (01:29):
I am more in love than I knew was possible—more than I ever saw demonstrated in life or in movies. There’s a depth to it… a reality, an acceptance. There’s love—and fear. Real fear.
Shana (01:52):
Yes.
Kenny (02:01):
And my God, what a journey—one I was not prepared for in any way. And the stuff that’s been most important… it’s the stuff people don’t talk about.
One of the biggest factors? Hormones. Perimenopause.
I’m 60 now. My wife is 12 years younger. We’re both at that life stage where we’re dealing with perimenopause, aging parents—hers and mine.
We don’t have kids. I didn’t want kids. I had a busy childhood. I felt like I did my time, and the rest is mine. If I had kids, I wouldn’t be doing the work I’m doing now.
But still… I was not prepared for this.
Shana (02:55):
Nothing prepared you.
Kenny (02:57):
Yeah. And this morning… was hell. Absolute hell. But it’s life. Real life.
Shana (03:02):
Wow. I’m sorry.
Yes, it is life. There’s a lot of hell happening for people right now. And being in a deep, loving, accepting relationship, like you’re describing—I think it’s one of the only ways we get through it.
Do you want to share a bit more about what happened this morning?
Kenny (03:30):
Yeah. So, very early this morning, I caught a train from my hometown—about five hours into London. But at the station, my wife and I weren’t quite right. That’s not normal for us.
She was lost, kind of…
I don’t even know whether it was sadness or anger. It was a mix—broken, maybe—all these emotions in one.
Shana (04:00):
So many emotions.
Kenny (04:01):
Totally. And for me—and I’ve seen this in so many men too—I go into a split-second reaction.
I learned a lot about this during lockdown. I was holding online men’s groups daily. So many men were showing up completely broken… because of their wives’ hormones. And no one was leaving the house. That’s when I first really learned about perimenopause. I had no idea before that.
Shana (04:30):
Well, you and me both. I knew of it, but like you said—no one really prepares you. When I asked my mom how it was for her, she had no information.
And yeah… it’s been hellish for me too. So I can only imagine what it’s like on your side—being a conscious man, wanting to support your partner through it.
So, this morning—she’s in this emotional storm…?
Kenny (05:02):
Yeah. And to be honest, “wanting to support her” is the nice way to put it.
What’s really happening—what happens in me and in many men I work with—is that in the presence of the woman I love… if she’s angry or upset or broken or overwhelmed… in a split second, I turn into a scared little boy whose world is coming to an end.
And I need to fix it. To be safe.
Shana (05:36):
Yes.
Kenny (05:37):
So no, I’m not just some glorious man showing up for his woman. I’m a scared little boy trying to survive. That’s the truth.
Shana (05:48):
Thank you for admitting that.
I know you’re both. We’re all all of it. But for someone as experienced and wise as you to say “I still go there”—to that little boy state—it creates so much freedom for people listening.
Kenny (06:13):
And it’s instant. It’s faster than thought.
But if I can catch it—if I can catch it in that moment—then I have a choice. I can do something different.
Shana (06:18):
Yes.
Let’s talk about that in a bit—how you catch it. But first, let’s talk about the moment before. The moment the panic sets in or the freeze.
What’s it like for you?
Kenny (06:33):
Broken.
Just… broken.
But as soon as I can be okay with myself, as soon as I come back to presence, I ask: “What’s the most loving thing to do right now?”
Should I still go to London? Or stay?
I knew—and she knew—that she needed space. That was clear.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned about perimenopause—and even with menstrual cycles—is: she needs space.
Space to just be.
To be off-duty.
To not have to cook or think or manage anything.
Just space.
Shana (07:16):
Oh my God. That’s what I long for: space.
I’ve got a kid in my house who’s going through puberty, and I’ve said to multiple people: perimenopause and puberty should never happen in the same house. That’s not even fair.
Okay, so… the question you asked this morning—whether to stay or go—was that part of the fixer? Or was it coming from the conscious man?
Kenny (07:46):
That was love.
What would be the most loving thing to do right now?
Even though I’ve got a full schedule in London—clients all day, groups all night—I’d drop it all in a second if she needed me. That’s not even a question.
But we both knew it was right for me to go.
So for me, it was like… I’m out of control. How is she? What can I do?
And I know I need to give her space—because otherwise, I’m making it about me.
And this is not about me. I have to take care of me so I’m not projecting onto her.
Shana (08:23):
Yes. Amazing realization.
You have to take care of you so she can take care of herself.
You said “out of control.” Is that part of the little boy?
Kenny (08:41):
Well, control is more the man in me thinking, “There’s an issue here—do I need to take charge to make it safe?”
And once things are safe, I can step back. That’s the man in me.
The little boy in me… might get more broken. So she’ll save me. That’s the manipulative little boy. The “rescue me” pattern.
Shana (08:48):
Right. And a lot of men may not even realize when they’re in that state.
You seem to catch it pretty quickly. But can you describe—either from your own experience or the men you work with—how do men tend to act when they’re in that little boy state?
Kenny (09:11):
The first thing I notice is I’m not breathing.
There’s a “broken” feeling right in the solar plexus. Like I’ve disconnected.
And I’ve learned—when I feel a negative emotion—I need to breathe into it, and follow it back. Like, in a split second.
Where’s it coming from?
And often, it’s not about now.
I did that this morning—after I got on the train and left.
Shana (09:59):
It’s not always easy to do in the moment.
Kenny (10:02):
No. And maybe not even relevant in the moment.
In that moment, I needed to be with her, making a decision: do I stay or go? I had to stay present—not make it about me.
And I had to trust—not fall into fearful fantasies. “Will she do something stupid?” “Will she drive home safely?”—those are my fears. Not facts.
Later, I followed the feeling back… and it was that feeling.
The one I had when we got a phone call saying, “We’re coming to kill you tonight.”
Shana (10:43):
Oh my God. For people who haven’t heard our earlier podcast—can you share a moment of that history? That was real… and so painful.
Kenny (10:53):
Yeah. I was seven years old. We were in Uganda.
Our phones were tapped, we were being followed. My father’s name was going up the death list.
One night, we got a call: “We’re going to come and kill you tonight.”
Which, in a twisted way, was a thoughtful tip-off.
Shana James, M.A. (11:10)
My god.
Okay, that’s one way to say it.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (11:19)
Well, it saved our lives. And then my father made a joke of it, thinking, “What a crazy story. What’s going on?” They actually called back and said, “No, we’re not kidding.” I mean, maybe it was his friend from school who was in the Secret Service, looking out for him. Or maybe they were just so high on drugs and power it became a form of torture—who knows?
That night, we went into hiding. And they came back a few times, maybe to kill us or whatever.
So that feeling—this is the end. This is the end of my life. I’m completely out of control. That’s what it felt like. And I needed to stay present.
And what a relief that my wife is so wise and aware—and that she has every right to lose it at any point. Why should she always have to hold it together, especially when she’s going through all of this?
Shana James, M.A. (11:55)
How does your control… yeah.
Yes.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (12:17)
And the journey of it—it’s not just, “This is perimenopause and this is what’s going to happen and it’s all going to be the same.” No, it’s not. It’s the most wicked roller coaster—and I’m not even the one going through it!
Shana James, M.A. (12:30)
Some women escape the roller coaster, but I’ll say it’s been hellish—emotionally, physically, in so many ways.
I want to go back to what you said, though.
What I want to say is that many men or people listening won’t have had the kind of big “T” trauma you’ve experienced. Most haven’t.
But many of us have had moments that felt like life or death—or actually were—and where we felt abandoned or unseen or misunderstood in really pivotal moments during childhood.
So I just want to acknowledge that.
If someone’s listening and thinking, “Well, mine wasn’t that bad, so I don’t have an excuse,”—it’s not like that.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (13:22)
One man’s paper cut is another man’s sword wound.
It’s not about how dramatic the story is—it’s about how it felt.
Someone else could’ve felt worse than me just from being criticized, or not being picked up at school, or being humiliated.
Having alcoholic parents. It could be anything—absolutely anything.
It doesn’t matter how glamorous the story is. It’s the feeling that matters. It’s going back to that place.
It could be the first heartbreak—and my god, the first cut is the deepest.
Any of those things.
For me, my pattern with women and love…
Shana James, M.A. (14:09)
Yeah.
Okay.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (14:17)
…has been—I was a mummy’s boy.
My mother’s first, eldest boy. My grandparents lived with us. I was the golden boy—wanted, adored by all the women: my mother, my godmother, my grandmother, my three female cousins. That was my normal.
Shana James, M.A. (14:20)
Mmm.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (14:48)
But the cost—the shadow—was that I became responsible for all their emotions. I had to figure out how they were feeling, how to stay in their good graces.
Never do anything wrong. Never be even slightly distant. Never get told off. Never be naughty. Never be criticized. Never bring shame.
I had to be perfect.
Shana James, M.A. (15:11)
Wow.
I was just sitting here thinking—my gosh, how amazing to be loved by so many women. But not realizing the cost—the pressure to live up to that.
Because you could’ve been a different kind of kid. You could’ve come into the world less attuned—maybe blissfully unaware of all that, just receiving love.
But you came in as an old soul—deeply aware, deeply paying attention.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (15:43)
Or maybe I had to learn to be that way—to maintain the position I was given, even though I didn’t ask for it.
So yeah, like everything, on one hand it’s a gift. On the other hand, it’s a curse.
The greater the light, the greater the shadow.
And another cost: I wasn’t one of the children.
Shana James, M.A. (16:06)
What do you mean by that?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (16:09)
I was more like John Boy Walton—not quite a child, not quite an adult, somewhere in between.
I was chosen by the women. I belonged to them.
I wasn’t a free-spirited child on the playground.
I had to play by their rules, not let them down, avoid abandonment, avoid criticism, avoid making them worry.
Shana James, M.A. (16:15)
Do you have a lot of siblings?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (16:38)
I have one younger brother.
But again—where was the space for me? Zero boundaries.
And I wasn’t one of the men, either. It’s like I stole the love that was meant for my father, or my uncle, or whoever didn’t get it.
How come I got all the love? Either from those women then, or from their childhood wounds.
So yeah—it cost me. It really cost me.
Shana James, M.A. (16:41)
So they resented you or pushed you out?
Right.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (17:08)
The whole pattern—my programming—was: save women.
Understand them. Make sure they don’t feel pain.
Second guess them. Fix them. That’s what I attracted. That was my addiction. That’s all I knew to do.
And I had to unlearn all of that.
Shana James, M.A. (17:21)
Right. Yes.
That’s so common, I think.
You know, people often talk about men being stuck in the “man box”—tough, not expressive.
But I’ve often worked with men on the other side—the “nice guys,” right? The ones who have a hard time finding their spine, their sovereignty.
It sounds like you were more on that side.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (18:00)
Totally.
And eventually I had my adolescence—I was 34 at the time.
Shana James, M.A. (18:06)
Wow.
How did you do that? How did you have your adolescent breakthrough at 34?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (18:10)
I partied.
I had to learn about boundaries.
Because up until then, I was “Kenny” or “Ken”—a plaything for the girls. Barbie’s sidekick. No genitals. Just the safe guy.
So I had to step into my masculinity. Step into my sexuality. Set boundaries.
Shana James, M.A. (18:24)
Wow.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (18:38)
I had to learn to say no.
Learn to say, “I don’t know.”
To actually exist—not just live to please others or keep my place or feel safe.
It was so vulnerable to exist.
To risk not being liked. To risk criticism. To risk someone being angry with me. To risk causing harm.
What a turnaround.
So in my adolescence…
Shana James, M.A. (18:42)
Yeah. Yeah.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (19:07)
…at 34, up until then, my best friends were usually bad boys. They did the dirty work for me. They were my shadow.
But I had to claim my shadow. Own it.
Otherwise, I’m just a lopsided act.
And that version of me? That’s not someone available for love. It’s all fear-based. It’s inauthentic.
But it worked.
People thought I was great. I was a “good man.” Blah, blah, blah.
The men liked me. The women liked me.
Shana James, M.A. (19:47)
Right—you get all the accolades, all the love, the approval, the appreciation.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (19:52)
Yeah.
But what’s the point if I don’t even exist in any of that?
That was my act. And I didn’t even realize it was an act.
So it became about unlearning.
Who do I no longer need to be?
How do I no longer need to act?
How do I really feel about this?
Shana James, M.A. (19:57)
Love that question.
And for people listening—really ask yourself:
Who do I no longer need to be?
I relate to that too.
I had so many fiery women friends—because I was the “good girl.” My mom was really angry, so I learned to be nice, to apologize, to make peace. “I’m so sorry! Yes, yes, yes.”
So I can relate. For so long, those volatile women in my life—they were the ones who could speak anger for me.
But I had to learn to embrace that myself—in a healthy way.
So:
Who do I no longer need to be?
Who am I still trying to be, even though that role no longer serves me?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (20:46):
Yeah, it is so easy to do the love-and-light spiritual bypassing.
My spiritual path really started when I included my shadow—when I included the dark. Because then I had access to all the “goody-goody” stuff, and I also had access to all the darkness.
So now I can be true to myself, right here and right now, by putting myself in the position.
Shana James, M.A. (21:10):
What do you mean?
This might sound like a dumb question, but can you describe that? You’re saying you’re being true to yourself here and now—with your shadow and your light, with the dark and the light.
For someone listening who might be like, “Blah, blah, blah…” can you paint a picture of what that actually looks like?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (21:44):
Okay—let me try. I just ran a young men’s group, and a lot of what came up was about relationships.
So here’s a quick example. There’s this young guy—he’s turning 28 tomorrow. He was talking about his new girlfriend.
He’s used to having lots of sex, with lots of different girls. And it’s been all about telling the boys, racking up notches on the bedpost, moving up the pecking order. That whole thing.
And now, he’s with a woman who isn’t having sex with him. She reminds him of his first love—the one who broke his heart.
And this is where I came in—not with the “love and light” but with something more direct, more from the shadow. I said:
“So does this mean you’re going to stop punishing women for the one who broke your heart?
Because it sounds like you’ve been punishing women your whole life since then—avoiding vulnerability and forfeiting love.”
That was straight between the eyes.
Shana James, M.A. (23:07):
That was direct—and you can’t access that if you’re trying to play nice or be the “good boy.”
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (23:13):
Yeah.
If I’d been “nice,” it would’ve been something like, “Oh, how lovely. Maybe if you buy her flowers and cook dinner and massage her feet… then maybe she’ll come around.”
But that’s not where it’s at.
Where it’s at is having the courage to love and be clear.
And sure, I could be wrong. Maybe he wasn’t punishing all those women and showing off to the boys.
But I wasn’t wrong.
Shana James, M.A. (23:48):
You weren’t wrong.
And for someone listening who might think, “That sounds judgmental,” the truth is—we all do things to manipulate or protect ourselves. Whether it’s punishing or withdrawing or performing, so much of it isn’t conscious.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (24:13):
Exactly. I call it survival.
And boys—regardless of their age; I’m talking about behavior, not age—will often betray themselves, betray their values, betray their friends, betray women, betray the culture—just to stay in the pecking order.
As long as I survive.
The most important thing is being one of the boys. Otherwise, I’m nothing.
Shana James, M.A. (24:26):
Yes. The survival of belonging.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (24:42):
And I can’t afford that.
That survival instinct comes from the playground, the family, school… it runs deep.
But if no one ever shows a boy how to become a man, how can we blame the boy?
Shana James, M.A. (24:59):
Exactly.
And I get that it’s hard—especially for people who’ve been hurt by men—to hold compassion.
But when we zoom out and see the bigger picture, we realize how boys haven’t been taught to become emotionally healthy men.
And now we have these frustrating examples of grown men who are still boys—running the world.
It starts to seem normal.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (25:25):
Yeah. Yeah.
Shana James, M.A. (25:29):
It’s heartbreaking.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (25:31):
It is. And it really comes down to the heart.
Hurt people hurt people.
And a lot of folks won’t let themselves feel their own pain—they pass it on, or they show off instead of showing up.
Or they fall into addiction, or whatever else helps them avoid the pain.
Shana James, M.A. (25:54):
Yes.
Even in one of my sessions this week, I saw something pretty common—
When we want something that feels vulnerable, especially as a man, asking for it can feel like weakness. Like you’re small or inadequate.
And that can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, but for men it can be particularly shameful.
So instead of asking from a vulnerable place, we ask from resentment, or frustration.
That feels safer—but it keeps us from the intimacy we actually want.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (26:32):
Yeah. Absolutely.
And the kind of intimacy many people are terrified of. It can literally feel like a life-or-death fear.
Shana James, M.A. (26:49):
Yes—like:
Will I be left?
Will I be unlovable?
Will I not be good enough?
Will I be too much?
Will I survive?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (26:56):
Will I open up, share my heart… and then be abandoned?
I’m thinking of a close friend—he’s a model and dancer, completely ripped, ridiculously good-looking.
And he would talk about how hurt he felt after a night out—when they’d hook up and, afterward, the woman would just roll over and go to sleep.
Meanwhile, he’s lying there, wide open, and all he wanted… was to be held.
And today, we were talking about how easy it is to have sex—and how sex can actually be the biggest avoidance of vulnerability or intimacy.
Not always, of course. But sometimes it’s just that—an escape.
Shana James, M.A. (27:53):
Yes.
Right—sex can be the avoidance, especially when it’s only physical.
If it’s just about chasing sensation or release, rather than meeting another human being—soul to soul, heart to heart.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (28:19):
Yeah, yeah.
This reminds me of something strange I did—not sex, don’t worry—but it’s similar.
There’s a famous actress in the UK named Ruth Wilson.
Thankfully, I didn’t watch any of her work before going on stage with her—because my God, she’s terrifying in some of it!
Anyway, I was one of 100 men who did a live scene with her—part scripted, part improvised.
Shana James, M.A. (28:49):
Wow.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (29:03):
And she tested me.
There was one moment she was supposed to throw her Chinese takeaway next to me… but she threw it in my lap.
And I stayed with it—we just kept going.
There was another part where she was meant to run her fingers through my hair and then turn and dance. But instead, she stayed with me—we ended up doing some spontaneous dirty dancing.
She turned around, we kept dancing…
Then, all of a sudden, she leapt into the air, wrapped her legs around me, and kissed me on the lips!
And I caught her! I was holding her by the bum while we were still dancing.
Shana James, M.A. (30:03):
That was all improv? None of that was planned?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (30:24):
None of it.
And part of me wanted it to fail. I was like, “This is going too well for too long!”
Same thing happens with sex for a lot of people—it’s going too well, so we sabotage it.
“Quick! End it before it goes bad!”
Shana James, M.A. (30:33):
Right—
“If I end it first, then it won’t be ended for me.”
I won’t be abandoned, or shamed, or left behind.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (30:44):
Exactly.
But for me, intimacy builds and builds—and needs to be breathed in.
It has to be embodied, grounded… and go beyond the physical into real connection.
I mean, one of the paths to enlightenment is sex—tantra and all that.
Shana James, M.A. (30:58):
Yes, but not just physical sex, right?
It’s about physical, energetic, emotional, soul-level union.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (31:11):
Exactly—including the physical.
But it’s the alignment of all of it that makes it so expansive and connected.
Now… How many people actually have the courage to go there?
Most stop it while the going’s good—before they feel too out of control, too vulnerable.
Or they fear being wide open… and then left.
Shana James, M.A. (31:18):
Yeah.
And I’d guess, for many, that self-sabotage doesn’t show up as a conscious thought.
It’s more like an automatic reflex, a subconscious rote.
Would you say?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (31:47):
I think it depends—on the individual, their wiring.
And part of what makes this kind of conversation special is that it’s with a man who’s able to really go there.
To break it down, remember what he thought, what he felt, and be brave enough to share it.
Shana James, M.A. (32:08):
Yes. That’s a big deal.
And that’s not something we’re taught.
So to develop that capacity—to self-reflect, to ask, “When did I pull away? When did I become the tough guy?”—
That’s a profound kind of growth.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (32:29):
Yeah, or I went in my head—or performed—or thought, It’s going so well, now I need to be psychic and not communicate anymore. Like, I’ve got to pretend I know exactly what she wants so I can blow her mind.
And then—boom—I’ve lost it.
Someone’s left the room—but apparently we’re still here. You know what I mean?
Shana James, M.A. (32:51):
We’re still here.
Yeah. Thank you. As always, I appreciate the depth of your understanding of humanity and how we get stuck.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (33:06):
You’re too kind! Stop it!
Shana James, M.A. (33:10):
(Laughs) That was a good deflection.
But truly, I want you to know—I can hear the ahas happening for people as they listen. And in a way that actually allows them to love themselves, rather than shame themselves.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (33:32):
That’s interesting, because what crossed my mind as you said that—for example, with premature ejaculation—I don’t remember where I saw the statistics, but there’s a link with trauma.
And for many men, trauma shows up as shame or abandonment. A lot of people who’ve experienced trauma will prematurely ejaculate.
So it’s interesting how, as people heal—their spirits, their pasts, their traumas—they become more present, more available… and they have better sex.
And what is “better” sex? What is “worse” sex?
To me, it’s just presence.
Shana James, M.A. (34:13):
Yes.
That’s the whole idea behind Honest Sex—the book. It’s really much more about communication and presence than about technique.
It’s about the ability to be intimate, to be deeply touched, to reveal ourselves… and to really receive someone else.
Yeah. Thank you.
Any last bits of vulnerability or wisdom you want to share?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (34:56):
There’s got to be a happy ending—
Shana James, M.A. (35:04):
(Laughs) No pun intended. Okay, maybe a little.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (35:08):
(Laughs) I couldn’t not! It’s playtime.
You’ve got to breathe.
Really: breathe.
Whether you’re loving or fearing—especially if you’re fearing—just take that breath.
Breathe back into the here and now.
Breathe into the fear.
Bring light into the dark.
Shana James, M.A. (35:11):
Yes— breathing yourself back into your body.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (35:35):
Exactly.
And I know that when I breathe, the man in me is present.
The child in me is safe.
I’m not handing my child to any Tom, Dick, or Harriet to take care of—this is my child to care for now.
And when my child is safe, my spirit is free.
Through that safety, when I breathe, I can follow the feeling back—safely.
And I know what really needs healing.
It’s not what’s going on here and now—
The present is giving me the gift of going back there, to set myself free in the shadow…
To open up my gold shadow.
…so I can be the love and share the love.
Shana James, M.A. (36:08):
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Where can people find more of you—if they want more of you?
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (36:17):
Ohh, I always get embarrassed at this bit, because I haven’t looked at my public face for so long. I don’t even know who wrote it—I hope it’s half-decent!
But: www.themanwhisperer.co.uk
That’s the easiest way to catch up with me.
There are loads of columns, Q&As, blogs, and more.
Shana James, M.A. (36:25):
You’ve been called The Man Whisperer.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (36:44):
(Laughs) Yep.
And for the men’s groups, they’re on every day.
They’re either free or cheap as chips: mensgroups.co.uk
Shana James, M.A. (36:54):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz (36:57):
Absolute pleasure.
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/burble
License code: 3XO0LDATK42BXEXU
Podcast (practicing-love): Play in new window | Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS
