It’s not always easy to keep sex and intimacy alive with all the responsibilities we have, and the fact pace of our world. Today, Mariah Freya, of Beducated, talks about sex education for adults, and how to support sex in long term relationships, as well as what it’s like to reignite intimacy after becoming a parent.
Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!
Beducated: Sex Education for Adults + Intimacy While Parenting: Show Notes
We are sold a whole lot of B.S. about how sex should be great with someone you love from the beginning, and it should consistently stay that way.
These Disney-like, happily ever after fantasies don’t consider one’s real life, and the current political, technological and environmental stresses we currently face. The reality is that people get hurt and sick. Some of us become parents. Bodies and hormones change. Mental health can be challenging. Some people go through midlife “crises.” In all of these phases, sex and intimacy can feel more challenging.
It’s easy to judge or feel bad about yourself, thinking everyone else is having more or better sex than you. I hope that by listening to my podcast and reading my blogs you’ll stop judging yourself and find solutions to your struggles. And while it can be vulnerable to seek support, especially around sex, there are great resources out there that offer privacy.
Today’s Practicing Love podcast guest, Mariah Freya is the co-founder of Beducated, an online platform providing a high-quality, up-to-date, and accessible sexual education resource to grown-ups worldwide. You can use Beducated on your own, or with a partner, privately in your home.
It’s such a gift that Mariah talks about her own journey creating Beducated, and the struggles she’s faced after becoming a mother, and figuring out how to reignite intimacy in this exhausting phase of life.
In our important and very human conversation we discussed:
- Redefining sex in each phase of a relationship
- Finding work, life, family, pleasure balance
- Expanding beyond penetrative sex (some lessons from Gen Z sexual habits)
- How meaningful conversations and flow states lead to intimacy
- Surveying Beducated clients and finding that what’s most important to many is genuine connection
- Finding your way back to being a lover after becoming a mother or parent
- The wisdom of moving forward rather than trying to get back to how things were in the past
- The Beducated platform
Mariah and her husband have sought and found incredible experts to guide you toward the intimacy and sex you want. When you’re done with this one, check out our previous Man Alive podcast interview about pleasure-based sex education for adults.
On another note, I’m close to episode 20 on this podcast: Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life. I’d love to hear one way the podcast has supported you and your love life, and if there’s anything else you’re hoping for from the podcast.
Links:
Connect with Shana James
Best love and sex of your life quiz
Get a Free copy of Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive.
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship it shows you how to take the self-doubt, struggle and shame out of your love life.
Curious what you’d need to become a better leader and lover? Take the quiz
For Women: Modern dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare for women
Connect with Mariah
Bio:
Mariah and Phil — founders at Beducated and lovers since 2007 — say that once upon a time, their sex life turned “meh.” Instead of giving up, they decided to do something about it. So began their self-development journey. They scoured the world for knowledge, attending workshops and events across continents to learn how to be better lovers. They discovered that sexual happiness is trainable and that anyone can experience a transformation with the proper guidance.
But they also realized information about sex on the internet is scarce, dodgy, and would frankly make most people cringe. Plus, not everyone has the time, resources, or will to attend workshops or speak to experts in person. That’s why they founded Beducated, to provide a high-quality, up-to-date, and accessible sexual education resource to grown-ups worldwide.
Beducated is made up of sex-positive humans who wholeheartedly believe in bringing mind-blowing pleasure to the masses. Their values, sex-positive, human, pioneering, and enthusiastic, guide us through everything they do.
Transcript
Shana James, M.A. (00:04)
Hello and welcome to this episode of Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life. I am excited to be here today with Mariah Freya, founder, co-founder of Beducated. This platform that you have created for adults to have better sex, and better love, and more intimacy and connection is incredibly inspiring.
And I’m happy to have you here today in the role of a wife, and a mother, and a lover, and all the things so we can explore some of the struggles you’ve had that I think are very common and very popular, and give some support for sex education for adults and intimacy while parenting. Thank you so much for joining us.
Mariah (00:37)
Thanks so much for having me. I’m very much looking forward to our conversation.
Shana James, M.A. (00:54)
Why don’t you tell us a little bit about the current relationship you’re in and maybe how you formed Beducated as well because you started it with your husband, right?
Mariah (00:56)
Yes! Exactly. So I have been together with my husband since 2007. So actually in two years, it will be 20 years, which is insane. I mean, it’s almost hard to grasp and reflect on such a long time and yeah, boil it down to a couple of minutes, right? The whole process and ups and downs and… Yeah.
Shana James, M.A. (01:18)
Almost 20 years. Wow, congratulations.
You were young when you got together, so you’re almost 40, 38, so you were about 18 or so or 20.
Mariah (01:46)
I’m 36 now. So yeah, we got together when I was 22ish. We basically work together, and live together as husband and wife. We have two young kids, three years old and six years old.
So our whole work, life, and family balance is sort of intertwined. It comes with specific challenges. And I’d love to share a bit more about how to navigate as a fairly fresh mother, not too long ago, slowly turning or walking towards my 40s. I’m finding my own way in my love life and finding my own role in my love life and how to navigate with all the things around it, and all the craziness.
Shana James, M.A. (03:16)
Yeah, and I will say that even as the mother of a 13 year old, I’m still navigating finding my way. And there are times I think I’m in some ways more “back to myself” and in other ways I’m more exhausted, because it’s been longer! And so there is a continual practice of finding myself as a lover. Or practicing, valuing that, practicing prioritizing that, even though there are times where I just don’t want to, or I’m overwhelmed or exhausted.
So I think this is going to be really powerful for people who are moms, and then also for people who are partnered with moms, because then you get to understand. This might be someone who’s a father, or any kind of parent might relate to this no matter what gender they are.
Tell us just a quick bit about Beducated as we dive in.
Mariah (04:15)
Yeah, of course. Beducated is basically an online platform for sex education as an adult. So when you’re starting to explore your sex life, going through your twenties, having many different adventures perhaps, and also going through your thirties, forties, fifties and up, where we have so many different, moments in our lives that interfere somehow, or change or adapt our sex lives and desires.
And so for every situation in life, we basically have a course on the platform. You can check it out at Beducated. com. We have over 40 different instructors who are guiding you through whatever issue or moment in your life you’re experiencing connected with your sex life, and it’s an e-learning platform and you can study from the comfort of your home. It’s super easy to navigate.
Shana James, M.A. (05:11)
Awesome. Such an important resource. Okay. Let’s talk a little bit about your struggle. What has it been like for you as a mom, trying to find yourself as a lover again, or however you want to start?
Mariah (05:28)
Thank you. For me, the birth of my two kids is not too long ago, whereas for you, it’s a little longer. So I’d say, the transformative experience of giving birth to two kids and the whole healing process around it was definitely not an easy one.
I had not the most complicated birth, but I basically broke my coccyx in my first birth, which was unfortunate, and I didn’t even realize it. I thought it was hurting so much because it was part of the birthing process and only a couple of months later, we were x-raying it and realizing, okay, this was actually broken.
It’s such a delicate part, where all the nerves come together and it’s just very tricky to heal that. Luckily, I found great osteopathic healers and things that we could do there.
Shana James, M.A. (06:45)
I’m so sorry. You don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like and how much pain.
Mariah (07:07)
Navigating through the healing part, that you basically are somewhat back to normal and feel like, okay, it’s all pain free. This can be months and years. So this itself was definitely a thing I’ve learned. what I’m hearing from most mothers, or vulva owners, who’ve given birth, do experience this in some capacity.
Until that point, I was always somehow open to sex, or somehow didn’t have so many pains during sex. and that was definitely something new.
Shana James, M.A. (07:54)
Can we also note that you now also have another being in your home demanding your body!
Mariah (08:04)
Yeah. Having, of course, a completely new being in our lives, which was beautiful and lovely. And at the same time, crazy, and you don’t know what you’re doing. And so your life gets turned upside down and I think everyone can relate to this who has kids.
Shana James, M.A. (08:23)
It’s so overwhelming!
Mariah (08:34)
I went so all in, into that mother role, and sort of forgot a little bit about the other roles I had before being a mother. And I had the feeling that, for my husband, it was much easier to switch between those roles. Maybe because he wasn’t going through this physical transformation during birth. It seemed he was much quicker back on his feet in terms of the small traumas husbands experience, when they become fathers, or when they are part of the birthing process.
I think they also have some sort of libido loss after that, a little bit, but it seemed like it came back much quicker. So the imbalance of where you are as a mother, in terms of libido, is just huge. And of course, if you have a patient partner, they sit with you and they know this is all a crazy situation and time.
My husband and I were chatting and saying, yeah, like this is just a crazy time and we know it will be better. And I think it’s something that a lot of couples tell each other. And I wonder, until what point you can still say that because eventually it turns into an excuse of not really changing.
Shana James, M.A. (10:05)
Well, and that’s an interesting question too. At what point do we have to step in and shift the dynamic, right? Because we want to honor that your body went through trauma, your chemistry has been taken over, every inch of you is being pulled at by another being, and some for dads, but less so. So I think it is slower for many, many moms.
Mariah (10:37)
Yeah. Especially if you’re breastfeeding. For example, I was breastfeeding my first one for two years, my second one for six months. So two and a half years just breastfeeding…
Shana James, M.A. (10:56)
I remember thinking, I do not want anyone to touch my body. I just want it back.
Mariah (11:22)
Yeah, of exactly. I was also losing quite some weight, fighting against that as well to have enough strength to do it all. And so much.
We decided after two and a half years to have another kid and then we had the whole thing again from the beginning. Obviously within those four years, there wasn’t much possible and, that’s okay. And I think saying yes to that low life in terms of sex or, low life in terms of desire and anticipation, that’s okay.
Shana James, M.A. (11:59)
Yes. Saying yes to the different phases and not making it mean that something’s wrong, or taking it personally.
Mariah (12:00)
Exactly. And then, I felt like the rescue came when we suddenly had two kids in childcare. I think that basically was for us a turning point of okay, both of them are now in childcare.
Lucky for us, we are working in the same company. We have basically more or less the same schedule. We are in a home office since the pandemic. So we basically have a sort of flexible schedule in some way.
Shana James, M.A. (12:40)
You have access to each other. Which lets acknowledge that many couples don’t have that, so even though the kids go back to childcare. There’s still a discrepancy there.
Mariah (12:49)
Yeah. We basically realized, hey, suddenly there’s time. Strangely, we were firstly starting to focus on, okay, then I go to the gym, or I can suddenly do stuff for myself. So it started with ourselves and I did some yoga, and my partner did tennis.
We split up a little bit, I’d say. I think this was actually a really good thing for us individually, being together all day long in the same office or home office. To have this separate space. We’re very equal in how we run our family.
Our business is together, our bank account is together and basically everything is. So there’s also a tendency to look after the kids together and not really give each other some free time. So we realized that one day when the kids were actually in childcare that there’s not necessarily a need to do everything together. And that started to create again, this slight anticipation to watch each other.
Shana James, M.A. (14:16)
As you took some more space from each other. Yeah. I think that’s a very common thing that sometimes I need to be away from my partner to want him to come back. When it’s together all the time, there is something that can dull.
Mariah (14:33)
Exactly. So I think a business trip here and there, or booking holidays with friends instead of your partner, can be a really great thing. Allowing each other more freedom in that sense brought us back to that original intimate space that we had before the kids.
And now we basically have morning dates, where we schedule time in the morning because we figured out that in the evenings we are exhausted after the kids go to sleep.
Shana James, M.A. (15:27)
You’re exhausted, yes.
Mariah (15:37)
The exhaustion and, and tiredness.
Shana James, M.A. (15:38)
Totally, and this is where I would call this a practice, right? One of the practices you’re taking on is practicing coming together to create intimate space.
And you’ve decided to do it in the mornings. Does it include emotional intimacy as well as sensual and sexual intimacy?
Mariah (15:56)
Yes. So it’s not necessarily always penis and vagina sex, not at all. It can be many, many things. But it’s basically a date where we have space for each other. Sometimes we also decide to go to the sauna together, and then that’s our date. Other times there could be more of a walk through the park or just cuddling up in the space, or of course also having sex if we feel like it. Sometimes having a shower together…
Shana James, M.A. (16:33)
I love what you’re saying. It’s not just sex, and in my book, Honest Sex, I talk about that. We’ve got to expand the definition of sex to include all of these kinds of intimacy. Otherwise, it feels like so much pressure.
Mariah (16:38)
Yeah, and we even had a survey recently on this question of how sex still valuable when there’s no penetrative sex, and actually a lot of people agree that it’s still meaningful for them.
We figured out that, especially the younger generation, so Gen Z, doesn’t practice as much penetrative sex as other generations. So it seems like there’s like a redefinition of the typical roles and playbook basically, which is quite interesting. And it’s something I think that other generations can definitely learn from younger generations. to step a little bit out of the typical, scenario sex playbook and, and see, what other practices are there beyond sex– massage or meditating…
Shana James, M.A. (17:51)
Yes, how do we feel connected and turned on and together? And it doesn’t have just that goal orientation, or the penis into the vagina orientation, the orgasm orientation.
Mariah (18:13)
Exactly. So this was a really, really important kickoff of rekindling our intimacy, while still being parents and while still figuring everything out. And this will probably continue over the years until they grow up.
Shana James, M.A. (18:41)
I’m sure. Not that you have to speak for all moms, or all women, but what are some of the things that help you feel close to your husband, or have you feel like you want to come closer to him?
Mariah (19:03)
To be honest, it’s not necessarily intimacy in the bedroom. We sometimes go to the mountains to be together in nature. This is usually where we have the most meaningful conversations because we’re moving.
Walking loosens up, I think, a lot of constraints and blocks that stand in the way, in the way of having conversations.
Shana James, M.A. (19:30)
Right, you cannot separate outside the bedroom or inside it.
That’s interesting. My partner and I are using an app, and we both answered a question recently “what is a surprising way that we feel more connected or more turned on by each other?” And we both chose that – meaningful conversations. So it’s amazing that you’re bringing that up too, that it’s not always what do we do in the bedroom that has me feel more connected? But how do we feel connected in our heart and soul.
Mariah (20:13)
Yeah, and again, this is something we’ve also surveyed with over almost 3000 people. When we asked them what was the most important aspect in their intimate life, they said that it was a really genuine connection with my partner. And there were a lot of juicy things they could check, but this was the most checked one. People are looking for this meaningful connection also through conversations. I mean, oral sex is great to have, and it’s powerful, but there’s a higher level to that. And it’s a method to basically get there,
Shana James, M.A. (20:54)
Exactly. I also talk about the difference between one dimensional sex and four dimensional sex in the book – One dimensional is the physical, it could be oral sex, and four dimensional is that you might be having oral sex, but you’re also connected energetically, emotionally, spiritually. So whatever physically is happening, if you’re missing those other dimensions, it’s not going to feel as meaningful.
Mariah (21:23)
Yeah. And for us, this is basically walking together and having meaningful conversations on life, on ideas, on business ideas, and going into a sort of a flow state together. That’s what we just love, and what makes us feel connected, and where we make the best decisions for our lives usually as well.
Shana James, M.A. (22:01)
So those moments carry you through.
Mariah (22:20)
It’s much easier in that flow state to pour it all out, and just say it without having a fear that your partner will react in a bad way.
Shana James, M.A. (22:35)
Yeah, that’s a great practice, moving your body so it’s not just sitting there and feeling awkward.
Mariah (22:45)
Exactly. You can get stuck with just being inside and having those walls around you. I think it helps a lot. I also have to say, we have always had this libido mismatch challenge since the beginning, so just noticing, and asking, when is your body at its best?
Knowing your rhythm and knowing, of course, your cycles. I still have my menstrual cycle. Not everyone has it when they have older, but at the moment I can still use that as a little guideline. There’s, for example, now I just had my period. So I’m now in the first week of the cycle where I have much more estrogen coming into my system and less progesterone, and estrogen is of course making my body much more energetic, more fluid and also having natural lubrication.
But I, for example, am also taking specific nutrition that helps me with that. So I’m, for example, using a lot of maca, which really, really helps me personally with lubrication. It also has natural hormonal balancing. So there’s also that side that helps me personally to feel at my best, whether that’s being a mother, being a CEO or just a partner.
Shana James, M.A. (24:43)
What I love that you’re also pointing to is that I have to pause and take enough time to know my own body, know my own cycles, right? As I’m older than you are, I started to get to this point where I realized that something was not right here, because I was feeling so depleted. And so now I am taking estrogen supplementation and finding this is another phase of coming back to myself, and understanding how my body works, and it’s different than it was before.
I think we can’t expect things to stay the same, or when we’re trying to get back to how it was, that can be more painful than if we are really trying to explore what it is like now, but can still feel amazing and even more intimate or more meaningful.
Mariah (25:14)
Yeah, moving forward…what can we do to go to a new point in time, which might not feel exactly how it was, but exactly…there’s this openness that I’m trying to cultivate with every phase that’s coming.
There will also be menopause and all the things coming in my life in the next 10, 20 years. And it’s another new opportunity to shift and change something up. And that’s what my kids remind me every day. I need to be flexible, at all times, because the plan will always change.
Setting up this call, I think we tried three to five times to make it happen because of kids, because of life.
Shana James, M.A. (26:26)
Five times! Well, let us be a testament for setting up a date, or being with a partner. We did not give up! We just decided we were going to make it happen.
And the attitude that you just spoke of, of seeing each phase as an opportunity, to me, that is so important. That’s why I talk about having the best love and sex of your life after 40, and in midlife, because it may be different, but it can be even better.
People of all genders don’t speak up for ourselves, or don’t ask for what we want, or we are afraid of being too high maintenance or being a burden or any of these things. And the older we get, I think the more we can start to see, if I really want to be intimate, I want to actually be known. And I want to risk showing these parts of me. I used to not want to be a prude, or be a slut, or be too this, or be too that. What if I actually show up with my partner as who I am?
Mariah (27:42)
I love that Shana. I think also reflecting back to my work at Beducated, that a lot of our users appreciate the diversity of our offer so much because it’s like a whole silver platter of chocolates, sweets and pralines. You can basically try them out and see if they work for you.
And if not, you can put them back, and depending on where you’re at in your life and what’s challenging right now, there’s always an opportunity there to take it and redefine it, and make it work for you. And especially with sex, there might be physical challenges that mean you don’t have penetrative sex, but you can give really great massages together or…
Shana James, M.A. (28:44)
Right. Or sex that’s not penetrative and that could still be, “sexual.”
Mariah (28:50)
Exactly. There’s so many amazing kink practices and role plays that you can explore, if you fancy them. So I think it’s having that openness to try out something new and see how it works for you.
Shana James, M.A. (29:08)
Which I just want to acknowledge also can be very vulnerable to try something new.
And even though you may be in a long-term relationship and feel safe with your partner, I’ve also heard people in partnerships say it’s even more scary because I really care what this person thinks of me.
And so that is why I tend to do a lot of the work around the communication. How do we talk about this? How do we open up and feel safe and create that safety together?
Mariah (29:12)
Yeah, super, super important. I feel like we should have been taught at school. Like, how do I talk with my parents about a bad grade and what that does to me emotionally? And then later on, how do I talk to my partner about a certain need that’s very intimate to me? Yeah, it often boils down to the same skill, right?
Shana James, M.A. (29:50)
Yes. It really does. How do I talk to my family?
Shana James, M.A. (30:09)
Amazing. Is there anything else you can say, either that’s helped you and your husband, or anything else that’s been important for you in this journey?
Mariah (30:22)
I think the most challenging times for us are definitely winter time in Germany. We are based in Germany and there’s the heating system. It’s dry inside the house, and the weather outside is super cold. So everyone is prone to have colds and coughs. So you basically are constantly sick with kids.
And that’s for months. and I think trying to respect each other’s mental health, and being able to not get burned out in this particular time, and boosting yourself as much as you can, giving each other as much time to go to sports, or when it’s super, super intense, I think that’s the time where you need to give each other the most space to do whatever that person needs. It’s also hard because you are also in need of that. So, yeah…
Shana James, M.A. (31:34)
Yes, that’s really generous. Because those are the moments where it can feel very scarce, and that what you want may never happen. And to watch those stories and to be generous, like you’re saying with your partner.
Mariah (31:44)
Yeah. So this is basically the third winter with two kids. We actually brought in an au pair to our home. So of course not everyone can afford this, but there might be ways of asking your family, or community for help in those crazy times.
And that’s a very vulnerable thing as well to do – asking for help and really gathering a tribe around yourself to get that support system. Because then you can really be mindful of your mental health and avoid burnout and all the things that come with it. And when you’re not taking care of yourself, the whole system falls apart. So you, you gotta do that.
Shana James, M.A. (32:39)
It really does.
Mariah (32:43)
So for us it’s life-saving having an au pair. She’s from Spain and she is learning German. So it’s a really lovely cultural exchange, and she’s studying and really a great person to be around. So it’s a new thing that we opened ourselves towards, that created more space and time to have a babysitter in the evenings. We have gone out to some concerts lately and are having cultural input.
Shana James, M.A. (33:15)
Beautiful. Yes, I remember in the pandemic, I was feeling less turned on and then realized, I’m not seeing shows. I’m not hearing music or seeing art. That impacts our senses.
Mariah (33:29)
Mm-hmm. It’s so important for our own inspiration and sex drive for sure. So I love that.
Shana James, M.A. (33:43)
Well, thank you so much. I think this is going to be incredibly helpful for moms to hear, as well as for people partnered with moms to really get a sense of not being the only one. I think I could safely say most of us struggle with this one. So thank you for helping people lead people back to thinking about this and having those conversations in their partnerships and really exploring, what do I need?
And is it time in this phase for me to make this a more conscious exploration versus just going along with what’s happening?
Because maybe we won’t find our way back to each other without any support.
Mariah (34:28)
Yeah, and definitely, for everyone who’s listening, do check out Beducated because it’s a great tool to sit together as a couple and explore our library. There’s over a hundred different courses that you can do from tantra sex to kinky sex, to role play to just communication.
And, yeah, just having opportunities in front of you, and seeing visually the diversity of what we could try out and explore can really inspire this conversation. It’s like sitting together and thinking, let’s see what’s up for dinner basically.
Shana James, M.A. (35:16)
What’s up for dinner? I love it. Yes, I highly recommend checking out Beducated.com and thank you so much for being here today and for talking about sex in long term relationships, and supporting sex education for adults.
Mariah (35:25)
Thanks for having me.
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